Tuesday, May 25, 2004
*shouldve known better, than to fall in love with you.. now love is just a faded memory. shouldve known better, now im addicted to this pain.. and my heart still aches for you*
richard marx
that song was on at the diner last week. jesse goes "richard marx? not KARL marx?" and i go "yes. fucking KARL marx was a communist. RICHARD is the singer." i do not know if the lyrics i have typed are at all correct. i have no access to listening to it (like i would OWN a richard marx cd!) and i am way too impatient for searching the internet on my WAY OLD SKOOL dial up connection.
next time i go to vegas, i am so taking a taxi from across the street to another casino across the street. that is so rockstar. i cant wait. carson is in vegas. i wanna be in vegas. with derek. mmm.
so.. the date, not so good. i could tell he liked me, but he just wasnt my type. there were no sparks on my end. i felt like he was doting on me, and i was like.. please stop. i am human. and i would say something, and hed be like "wow. i never thought of it that way." like i was the key to the universe. so now i have to like, make this not heart-breaking. because i would love to be friends with him, he just isnt what i am looking for, and im just not willing to stop sleeping with the other boys for him. thats really what it comes down to. i am willing to stop sleeping with derek to be with the enigma, and i am also willing to do the reverse for derek. however, i kind of LIKE hooking up with both the enigma and derek, and i am not physically enthralled enough by this jay character to give it up. am i mean?
speaking of the enigma, i heard from him today. he sent me a text message at like 1030 or 11, and i read it, and ignored it. bc i was playing hard to get. i finally messaged him back at like 2 and i was short with him, and he was short back, so i told him i had a date tonight. he responded that he was going to try to hang out with me earlier, and that he thought about me a bunch over the weekend. i was like, 'great.. way to try and reel me back in cos you perhaps sense you are losing me.' (to myself, of course). anyway so he said he wanted to cuddle so bad this morning, that he was going to call me but didnt. blah blah. i bet he was lying. then i was like "i wish you were closer" (cos he partially succeeded in reeling me back in) and he was like "i wish i was closer, too. i wish i was behing you, spooning. i miss your skin." and i hated him at that moment. i thought about how much i miss rubbing his belly, and how much i miss his smell invading my room.. and my shirts and my everything. to breathe in that scent again...... but then i said i wished he wasnt going away all summer bc i wanna go back to vegas and i want him to come with me. however, he replied that he thinks he'll be in vegas in august, and how thats awesome bc it will be hot and the girls will be hating clothes. and that i should come. i was like "um, yah. you know how i likes me my girls." so back to square one. its useless to have feelings for him anymore. oh wait. its useless to have feelings AT ALL. ok?
click it or ticket.
and of course im still thinking about derek. two more days till i see him. thursday night... and we shall see what happens with that. i figure one time we will go out and get drunk enough that ill ask him if we're only doing this bc we are drunk or because we enjoy each other. im not ready to stop sleeping with him. i would be angry if he stopped going out with me after work and coming home with me. i realllllly wanna have him here and turn on the ugly organ and just totally get it on to that cd. i do not know why. its so sexy. and listening to it reminds me of derek, although im pretty sure he wouldnt like them. he doesnt like alkaline trio bc an ex girlfriend of his dated one of the members. he is from chicago. he is from the same suburb of chicago as them. or something. they are from aurora. his mailing address is in naperville, illinois. so maybe the towns are next to each other? he also knows mike patton from back in the day. which is weird, cos like if his friends were hanging out with patton, then it had to be post-fnm, since derek was only like 17 when they broke up. maybe he is lying to me. he has consistently told that story though, which is funny bc he remembers everything i say, but tells me the same stories over and over. ok twice. but still.
blaaaah. so that is that. i wish everything was different. i wish derek called me. i mean, i dont call him either. i totally thought about calling him tonight. i thought i could be like "hey im drinking in union square, just wanted to see what you were up to" but no. what i really want is for there to be a day where neither of us has to get up real early. for example, the day of the threesome, kim and i left his place at like 730 am. i do not know why. im pretty sure we were back at his place by like midnight, though, cos we started drinking at like 7pm. anyway. um, yah kim had to go, she couldnt sleep or something. then the first time we were alone, i had to get up at 1045 to go to therapy, and he had to leave. the second time he had to get up at 10 to go home and get ready for a meeting (i think he had to read a script, since he is an actor. which freaks me out, i have never been with an actor before. but he does theater. and he writes plays. i googled his name and read reviews of plays he had been in. anyway.). then last time i had to get up at his place at 8:45am. so yah, it would be nice for us to be able to lay there and cuddle late and maybe fool around in the morning. see, if i didnt think about these things, then perhaps i wouldnt really have to worry about catching feelings. im pretty sure i MAKE them come by thinking about next time all the time.
i wish i was playing roulette right now. must gamble soon. i have bills to pay, but fuck it. i wanna GAMBLE. i picked up an extra shift this week, sunday night upstairs in 2. i need to make some serious money. firstly bc i have to support this new alcoholic thing i have going on, and secondly to gamble. ill even go to atlantic city if i have to.
im tired. im totally going to bed in an hour. no one is online which is boo.
i cant believe i got drunk on a monday night. i was eating pizza with jay and he said "man. we're drunk on a monday night" and i was like "fuck, its MONDAY?"
jesus. leno is ALSO in vegas. the repeat, at least. i cannot escape. i MUST GO BACK. i dont even CARE who goes with me. jay said he would go. that might be weird, but if we are just being friends and he is cool about it, we could SO go. i NEEEEED it. like a drug. i need las vegas like a junkie needs heroin. i am going to save and put aside money all the time so as i can go back all the time. i have a new requirement in my future mate: he must love vegas as much as i do, so as to want to go there for sporadic weekend getaways as often as possible.
fuckin, i cant find my facial cleansing clothes. all i wanna do is take off the make up i wore tonight in anticipation of a wonderfully gorgeous boy. its only eyeliner, but its black and i would really rather it not be all over my pillows in the morning. i think i took them to LI. that means they could a) still be on LI, or b) be lost forever in the destruction that is my bedroom. i am sooooo messy. not dirty, but i havent put things away in sooo long. i think the last time i really cleaned my room was like november. ugh. maybe i will do it soon. i should, bc soon it will be too warm to do it, and then i will have to live in the utter chaos for another 2 months. and packing will be difficult. ugh. maybe ill do it friday.
im tired.
richard marx
that song was on at the diner last week. jesse goes "richard marx? not KARL marx?" and i go "yes. fucking KARL marx was a communist. RICHARD is the singer." i do not know if the lyrics i have typed are at all correct. i have no access to listening to it (like i would OWN a richard marx cd!) and i am way too impatient for searching the internet on my WAY OLD SKOOL dial up connection.
next time i go to vegas, i am so taking a taxi from across the street to another casino across the street. that is so rockstar. i cant wait. carson is in vegas. i wanna be in vegas. with derek. mmm.
so.. the date, not so good. i could tell he liked me, but he just wasnt my type. there were no sparks on my end. i felt like he was doting on me, and i was like.. please stop. i am human. and i would say something, and hed be like "wow. i never thought of it that way." like i was the key to the universe. so now i have to like, make this not heart-breaking. because i would love to be friends with him, he just isnt what i am looking for, and im just not willing to stop sleeping with the other boys for him. thats really what it comes down to. i am willing to stop sleeping with derek to be with the enigma, and i am also willing to do the reverse for derek. however, i kind of LIKE hooking up with both the enigma and derek, and i am not physically enthralled enough by this jay character to give it up. am i mean?
speaking of the enigma, i heard from him today. he sent me a text message at like 1030 or 11, and i read it, and ignored it. bc i was playing hard to get. i finally messaged him back at like 2 and i was short with him, and he was short back, so i told him i had a date tonight. he responded that he was going to try to hang out with me earlier, and that he thought about me a bunch over the weekend. i was like, 'great.. way to try and reel me back in cos you perhaps sense you are losing me.' (to myself, of course). anyway so he said he wanted to cuddle so bad this morning, that he was going to call me but didnt. blah blah. i bet he was lying. then i was like "i wish you were closer" (cos he partially succeeded in reeling me back in) and he was like "i wish i was closer, too. i wish i was behing you, spooning. i miss your skin." and i hated him at that moment. i thought about how much i miss rubbing his belly, and how much i miss his smell invading my room.. and my shirts and my everything. to breathe in that scent again...... but then i said i wished he wasnt going away all summer bc i wanna go back to vegas and i want him to come with me. however, he replied that he thinks he'll be in vegas in august, and how thats awesome bc it will be hot and the girls will be hating clothes. and that i should come. i was like "um, yah. you know how i likes me my girls." so back to square one. its useless to have feelings for him anymore. oh wait. its useless to have feelings AT ALL. ok?
click it or ticket.
and of course im still thinking about derek. two more days till i see him. thursday night... and we shall see what happens with that. i figure one time we will go out and get drunk enough that ill ask him if we're only doing this bc we are drunk or because we enjoy each other. im not ready to stop sleeping with him. i would be angry if he stopped going out with me after work and coming home with me. i realllllly wanna have him here and turn on the ugly organ and just totally get it on to that cd. i do not know why. its so sexy. and listening to it reminds me of derek, although im pretty sure he wouldnt like them. he doesnt like alkaline trio bc an ex girlfriend of his dated one of the members. he is from chicago. he is from the same suburb of chicago as them. or something. they are from aurora. his mailing address is in naperville, illinois. so maybe the towns are next to each other? he also knows mike patton from back in the day. which is weird, cos like if his friends were hanging out with patton, then it had to be post-fnm, since derek was only like 17 when they broke up. maybe he is lying to me. he has consistently told that story though, which is funny bc he remembers everything i say, but tells me the same stories over and over. ok twice. but still.
blaaaah. so that is that. i wish everything was different. i wish derek called me. i mean, i dont call him either. i totally thought about calling him tonight. i thought i could be like "hey im drinking in union square, just wanted to see what you were up to" but no. what i really want is for there to be a day where neither of us has to get up real early. for example, the day of the threesome, kim and i left his place at like 730 am. i do not know why. im pretty sure we were back at his place by like midnight, though, cos we started drinking at like 7pm. anyway. um, yah kim had to go, she couldnt sleep or something. then the first time we were alone, i had to get up at 1045 to go to therapy, and he had to leave. the second time he had to get up at 10 to go home and get ready for a meeting (i think he had to read a script, since he is an actor. which freaks me out, i have never been with an actor before. but he does theater. and he writes plays. i googled his name and read reviews of plays he had been in. anyway.). then last time i had to get up at his place at 8:45am. so yah, it would be nice for us to be able to lay there and cuddle late and maybe fool around in the morning. see, if i didnt think about these things, then perhaps i wouldnt really have to worry about catching feelings. im pretty sure i MAKE them come by thinking about next time all the time.
i wish i was playing roulette right now. must gamble soon. i have bills to pay, but fuck it. i wanna GAMBLE. i picked up an extra shift this week, sunday night upstairs in 2. i need to make some serious money. firstly bc i have to support this new alcoholic thing i have going on, and secondly to gamble. ill even go to atlantic city if i have to.
im tired. im totally going to bed in an hour. no one is online which is boo.
i cant believe i got drunk on a monday night. i was eating pizza with jay and he said "man. we're drunk on a monday night" and i was like "fuck, its MONDAY?"
jesus. leno is ALSO in vegas. the repeat, at least. i cannot escape. i MUST GO BACK. i dont even CARE who goes with me. jay said he would go. that might be weird, but if we are just being friends and he is cool about it, we could SO go. i NEEEEED it. like a drug. i need las vegas like a junkie needs heroin. i am going to save and put aside money all the time so as i can go back all the time. i have a new requirement in my future mate: he must love vegas as much as i do, so as to want to go there for sporadic weekend getaways as often as possible.
fuckin, i cant find my facial cleansing clothes. all i wanna do is take off the make up i wore tonight in anticipation of a wonderfully gorgeous boy. its only eyeliner, but its black and i would really rather it not be all over my pillows in the morning. i think i took them to LI. that means they could a) still be on LI, or b) be lost forever in the destruction that is my bedroom. i am sooooo messy. not dirty, but i havent put things away in sooo long. i think the last time i really cleaned my room was like november. ugh. maybe i will do it soon. i should, bc soon it will be too warm to do it, and then i will have to live in the utter chaos for another 2 months. and packing will be difficult. ugh. maybe ill do it friday.
im tired.
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