Wednesday, May 12, 2004
*ill wait another day as years and hope both slip away to a place thats cracked with smiles that was never meant to be and i know that ive been mislead but four words run around my head: come back to me!*
plow united.
that was in my journal (vol. II). probably on june 29,1997, bc its in the same hand and the same pen as the entry i wrote below it. and my handwriting used to change daily. one month and nine days after i met the enigma. the entry directly preceding it said (in capital letters): "please let me be allowed to go to rhode island. please. i rilly need to go & be happy cos im sort of miserable. ive got to talk to 563 [the enigma, formerly known as 563 in the old paper journals] monday so my momma can speaketh with his momma & mis padres can make a decision. please. he asked me if id share the bed with him. of course! ill molest him. :) im so in love w/ this boy. i rilly want to go on this trip. rilly rilly bad.. sigh. please? yikers. :( blah. good night! june 27 1997 1:37 am!" that was when i was (obviously) supposed to go to ri with the enigma to visit a friend of his. his friend ended up coming home instead, so we didnt go. the entry directly after that is a bunch of numbers that spell out: "its 3 oclock love you" which was what the enigma had paged me that night. with a bunch of smiley faces around it. fucker. he was such a good liar even back then. anyway it then goes on to say: "1ts 12:18 am. in less than 12 hours ill be chillin' at TRAMPS awaiting weston (heart). i want to be up front again! i want to go to rhode island. i should go to sleep bc ive got to get up at 7:17 & shower, plus kurts gonna beep me at like 2 or 3! blah. 563. thats all. bad dreams where he kept leaving me that antonia doesnt know what they mean. im exhausted. i told jamie i would be at her house at 9:30ish. picking up chris at 8:45. ugh. 12:22 am JUNE 29 1997" ah, what it was like to be 17 again. weston shows. i think that plow united played at that, too. and the lunachicks.. and i think that was the first time i saw silent majority. i bought their record that day. i didnt get the cd for like a year or two after that. i interviewed weston for my zine that day. i kept yelling for plow to play this song i loved. only i cant remember what its called now. i think it might be called martin. i havent seen the track list to my plow cd in YEARS. all of my jewel cases are on LI in boxes. i also asked for lighters. they told me they would play niether. jerks. lol. i also saw them at sound beach one day, and ifarm. ok lets flash back to 2004, this is getting intense.
or not....
the point of that whole thing was that i feel the same way about the enigma now as i did then. i guess its not so evidenced in the above, but.. i have better examples, like..
7/1/97: "no 563. he said we'd do something and then he never fucking showed up."
7/5/97: "gille says: '563 sucks & he makes me cry becos i feel unloved.' i hate 563 forever."
7/16/97: "563 last night. *sigh* sitting with him on his front steps for 2 1/2 hours talking about us. US. the incredible attraction. our feelings. suzanne. i hate her. IVE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH THE PAIN, IVE LEARNED TO BLEED WITH MY EMPTY HEART - INSIDE but then theres 563 again. sleeping with his shirt cos it smells like him. listening to his tape cos it sounds like him. smoking his cigar because it tastes like him. maybe one day i will have him. why do i put up with this? go throw rocks at his window at 3. LOVE YOU AT 3 O'CLOCK? no, love you forever. its so pathetic. he means so much to me."
8/5/97: "563 beeped me today. i was at work though. maybe we'll hang out this week? i totally miss him. suzanne said she hates when he hangs out with me. fuck her though."
8/8/97: "i can quite possibly say that august eight was one of the worst days of my seventeen years. id always looked forward to 563 and suzanne breaking up & now they have and he hates me. someone told her that he slept with me (?!) and she always hated me anyway.. he cried on the phone with me. he said he needs time away from me. my life is falling apart. what if i never talk to him again? i dont know what to do, ill probably write him a letter tomorrow, even if i dont mail it. i said 'i understand that i dont mean anything to anyone' and he said 'obviously you mean something to me if...' but i didnt hear the last part cos the payphone i was on sucked. im nothing."
8/18/97: "i want to kiss 563, just to see what its like."
8/24/97: "im thinking about 563. i really want to have some kind of relationship w/ him. i totally think that its possible that we'll fool around when i see him again. maybe. but i wont initiate anything. maybe we'll start hanging out more since he'll be two minutes away at suffolk."
9/2/97: "I HATE 563. I CANT BELIEVE I EVER CARED ABOUT THAT JERK."
seven days later, my journal continues. that last entry was at 1:24 am, so i did not write again till 9/8/97 at 8:54am. it picks up on the 8th, talking about jon, who immediately followed the enigma/scrot/brian from the summer (cos i was hooking up with other boys while being in love with the enigma). therefore, i did not record the whole "fuck you, i never want to see you again" that had been uttered by me on 9/1 at sometime after school. im not sure i remember what prompted it, but im pretty sure i called him on choosing suzanne over me, and he said he would, that he loved her, and i lost it. bc for the past three months he'd been telling me he loved me like daily, and then it meant nothing. i met him may 20, 1997. the entries in may and june are scared and crush like, i babble about how adorable he is, and how i hope he doesnt have a girlfriend, and how much fun we have and he wrote a page in there.. and i write about how im just gonna get hurt. it was june 6 1997 that he admitted he had a girlfriend. thats a solid three weeks of omitting that he was involved with a girl for like 2 years. from that point on i kind of waver, i say i hope he'll break up with her and be with me, but i always say that i wont hook up or make out with him. and i felt the way i do now. sad, lonely. feeling like i feel something that he feels but refuses to acknowledge. its sad. you would think i would read these pages and see how it ended that time, too. but the thing is, after that 9/2 entry he falls from the pages. i know he paged me "i miss you" sometime thereafter, cos i wrote about it in my zine. i also know i called him back when he paged me sometime during my senior year of high school. i think it might have been spring. and my heart jumped when my pager vibated with his number, and i told my bio teacher my mom paged me 911, and i called him back from the pay phones in the octagon. it was awkward. he said he missed me. we said we'd try to be friends. he was back with suzanne. it didnt happen. in the fall i went to pace, he went to oneonta. i saw him at inside in july 99 and he says i was mean to him. i didnt write about that either. sometimes i wish i wrote about telling him to fuck off. maybe i could recapture the anger of the moment and redirect it to stand up for myself and let him know how much he hurts me by playing these games. and its weird bc i see the things he said, and im like.. well. even back then, when we were living like 17 mins from each other, he never came through. why would it be any different when im home? bc things are sexual now, and he has more incentive to stop by? greeeat. sigh. someday ill have it all figured out.
now i am going to bed, bc my good friend twon is mia.
xoxo
plow united.
that was in my journal (vol. II). probably on june 29,1997, bc its in the same hand and the same pen as the entry i wrote below it. and my handwriting used to change daily. one month and nine days after i met the enigma. the entry directly preceding it said (in capital letters): "please let me be allowed to go to rhode island. please. i rilly need to go & be happy cos im sort of miserable. ive got to talk to 563 [the enigma, formerly known as 563 in the old paper journals] monday so my momma can speaketh with his momma & mis padres can make a decision. please. he asked me if id share the bed with him. of course! ill molest him. :) im so in love w/ this boy. i rilly want to go on this trip. rilly rilly bad.. sigh. please? yikers. :( blah. good night! june 27 1997 1:37 am!" that was when i was (obviously) supposed to go to ri with the enigma to visit a friend of his. his friend ended up coming home instead, so we didnt go. the entry directly after that is a bunch of numbers that spell out: "its 3 oclock love you" which was what the enigma had paged me that night. with a bunch of smiley faces around it. fucker. he was such a good liar even back then. anyway it then goes on to say: "1ts 12:18 am. in less than 12 hours ill be chillin' at TRAMPS awaiting weston (heart). i want to be up front again! i want to go to rhode island. i should go to sleep bc ive got to get up at 7:17 & shower, plus kurts gonna beep me at like 2 or 3! blah. 563. thats all. bad dreams where he kept leaving me that antonia doesnt know what they mean. im exhausted. i told jamie i would be at her house at 9:30ish. picking up chris at 8:45. ugh. 12:22 am JUNE 29 1997" ah, what it was like to be 17 again. weston shows. i think that plow united played at that, too. and the lunachicks.. and i think that was the first time i saw silent majority. i bought their record that day. i didnt get the cd for like a year or two after that. i interviewed weston for my zine that day. i kept yelling for plow to play this song i loved. only i cant remember what its called now. i think it might be called martin. i havent seen the track list to my plow cd in YEARS. all of my jewel cases are on LI in boxes. i also asked for lighters. they told me they would play niether. jerks. lol. i also saw them at sound beach one day, and ifarm. ok lets flash back to 2004, this is getting intense.
or not....
the point of that whole thing was that i feel the same way about the enigma now as i did then. i guess its not so evidenced in the above, but.. i have better examples, like..
7/1/97: "no 563. he said we'd do something and then he never fucking showed up."
7/5/97: "gille says: '563 sucks & he makes me cry becos i feel unloved.' i hate 563 forever."
7/16/97: "563 last night. *sigh* sitting with him on his front steps for 2 1/2 hours talking about us. US. the incredible attraction. our feelings. suzanne. i hate her. IVE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH THE PAIN, IVE LEARNED TO BLEED WITH MY EMPTY HEART - INSIDE but then theres 563 again. sleeping with his shirt cos it smells like him. listening to his tape cos it sounds like him. smoking his cigar because it tastes like him. maybe one day i will have him. why do i put up with this? go throw rocks at his window at 3. LOVE YOU AT 3 O'CLOCK? no, love you forever. its so pathetic. he means so much to me."
8/5/97: "563 beeped me today. i was at work though. maybe we'll hang out this week? i totally miss him. suzanne said she hates when he hangs out with me. fuck her though."
8/8/97: "i can quite possibly say that august eight was one of the worst days of my seventeen years. id always looked forward to 563 and suzanne breaking up & now they have and he hates me. someone told her that he slept with me (?!) and she always hated me anyway.. he cried on the phone with me. he said he needs time away from me. my life is falling apart. what if i never talk to him again? i dont know what to do, ill probably write him a letter tomorrow, even if i dont mail it. i said 'i understand that i dont mean anything to anyone' and he said 'obviously you mean something to me if...' but i didnt hear the last part cos the payphone i was on sucked. im nothing."
8/18/97: "i want to kiss 563, just to see what its like."
8/24/97: "im thinking about 563. i really want to have some kind of relationship w/ him. i totally think that its possible that we'll fool around when i see him again. maybe. but i wont initiate anything. maybe we'll start hanging out more since he'll be two minutes away at suffolk."
9/2/97: "I HATE 563. I CANT BELIEVE I EVER CARED ABOUT THAT JERK."
seven days later, my journal continues. that last entry was at 1:24 am, so i did not write again till 9/8/97 at 8:54am. it picks up on the 8th, talking about jon, who immediately followed the enigma/scrot/brian from the summer (cos i was hooking up with other boys while being in love with the enigma). therefore, i did not record the whole "fuck you, i never want to see you again" that had been uttered by me on 9/1 at sometime after school. im not sure i remember what prompted it, but im pretty sure i called him on choosing suzanne over me, and he said he would, that he loved her, and i lost it. bc for the past three months he'd been telling me he loved me like daily, and then it meant nothing. i met him may 20, 1997. the entries in may and june are scared and crush like, i babble about how adorable he is, and how i hope he doesnt have a girlfriend, and how much fun we have and he wrote a page in there.. and i write about how im just gonna get hurt. it was june 6 1997 that he admitted he had a girlfriend. thats a solid three weeks of omitting that he was involved with a girl for like 2 years. from that point on i kind of waver, i say i hope he'll break up with her and be with me, but i always say that i wont hook up or make out with him. and i felt the way i do now. sad, lonely. feeling like i feel something that he feels but refuses to acknowledge. its sad. you would think i would read these pages and see how it ended that time, too. but the thing is, after that 9/2 entry he falls from the pages. i know he paged me "i miss you" sometime thereafter, cos i wrote about it in my zine. i also know i called him back when he paged me sometime during my senior year of high school. i think it might have been spring. and my heart jumped when my pager vibated with his number, and i told my bio teacher my mom paged me 911, and i called him back from the pay phones in the octagon. it was awkward. he said he missed me. we said we'd try to be friends. he was back with suzanne. it didnt happen. in the fall i went to pace, he went to oneonta. i saw him at inside in july 99 and he says i was mean to him. i didnt write about that either. sometimes i wish i wrote about telling him to fuck off. maybe i could recapture the anger of the moment and redirect it to stand up for myself and let him know how much he hurts me by playing these games. and its weird bc i see the things he said, and im like.. well. even back then, when we were living like 17 mins from each other, he never came through. why would it be any different when im home? bc things are sexual now, and he has more incentive to stop by? greeeat. sigh. someday ill have it all figured out.
now i am going to bed, bc my good friend twon is mia.
xoxo
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