Saturday, May 22, 2004
*and i can hardly get myself out of his bed for fear of never lying in this bed again. oh christ, im not that desperate.. oh no, oh god, i am.
how'd i end up here to begin with? i dont know. why do i start what i cant finish? oh please, dont barrage me with the questions to all those ugly answers. my ego's like my stomach-it keeps shitting what i feed it. but maybe i dont want to finish anything anymore.. maybe i can wait in bed til he comes home. and whispers, "you're in my web now.. ive come to wrap you up tight til its time to bite down."*
cursive.
the problem with the fact that 99% of the music i listen to is written and sung by men becomes a little rough when i wanna use lyrics, but cant without modifying them. i mean, i guess i could just go with it and you'd get the picture, but.. you know. i must change pronouns. anyway. also, the lyrics say "ugly answers" but i swear he SAYS "lovely answers" so hmmmm..
i have a few things to say.. im not in the mood to sit here and type forever, though i think thats what will happen. lets see.. i have not written anything since wednesday.
alright so thursday. thursday was ok. i got up and candaces parents were here, we chatted, it was swell. they are good people. then i went to work. work kind of sucked. i kept asking derek to get a drink with me after, but he kept saying that he needed to "lay low" because he apparently lost $500 more in atlantic city sunday. but i convinced him that i would buy him a beer, and that it would be ok. so i helped him wash the tables at the end of the night, and we went over to this bar on 10th ave and like 39th st or something, it was like a tavern, in a wooden houselike place. there were weirdos there. but it was cool. we had a corona and a shot of jager each (which is customary) and it only cost me $16. woo. um, so then he bought a round of coronas, and we went over and played billiards. i did really good, i havent played pool in like 4 years, but i used to be good, and my skillz (yes, skillz with a z) are still in tact. however, derek is way better than me, making shots behind his back and shit, so he won. i finished my beer, and i said i was going to get another, and he said he was hurting, so i only got one for me. we kissed a bit, and we finished our beers (he was only halfway through his second when i got my third) and he said he had to go home. so i was kinda tipsy since i hadnt eaten all day and i was like "where are we going" just cos i really didnt know where i was going, and he was like "well, i need my bed. so im going home." and so i asked if he wanted me to go with him, or if i should go to my home, and he said "you wanna come with?" and i said if he wanted me to i would. so he asked if i would split a cab, and we did. we got in a cab on the 9th ave side of port authority, and i cuddled up to him and he told me i was really soft and that my hair felt really good, and it made me happy bc he was totally sober and being soo cute and.. i dont know. cos like, kim told me last week that he was saying he didnt know how to hook up sober anymore, and he was sober. but yah so like, it was nice we were just really snuggly, we werent making out like we usually do in the cabs. but anyway. we got to his place and went up to his apartment, and i went to the bathroom and when i came out, he was all cuddling his kitty which melted my heart. she is a huge fat cat and her name is p'scuse me jones. thats a whole nother story, but yah. thats her name. so he was laying on the floor and cuddling her and putting his head on her belly and then he was like "wanna go to bed?" and i was like "yah." so we went to his room and he asked me if i wanted pajamas or anything. so i was like.. um? cos.. pajamas? for what? then i was a little confused bc there was a lack of making out in the taxi, and then he offered me pajamas. but then we got under the covers and in literally zero seconds it was on. so i was happy. i couldnt sleep that night, i kept watching him and thinking about the mess i was laying in. lying in? i dont know. and how i really like him. and looking at that tattoo on his chest thats kinda covered by his chest patch, or how hot he looks in jeans and white tshirt.. and. ugh. we were at the bank and he was making a deposit and i could see the bottoms of the letters on his left arm (the letters that he wont say what they mean, he says "i never tell") and.. i dont know. what have i gotten myself into? i can never finish what ive started. hence the lyrical choice above. yah. so i think i slept like two hours total, and then candace called me at 8:21 cos i had to graduate and shit, and i was like "im up" and i totally went back to sleep for 20 minutes. got up. derek told me how to get to the subway, he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek (ugh, it means nothing to him, i swear) and i was on my way. it took me 38 minutes to get home, and i had to take a 4 minute shower. candaces mom ironed my skirt for me and i got ready. my parents were wayyyy late bc they got caught in traffic on greenpoint ave. so we got to graduation late but it was ok cos it didnt start till 130 and we got there at like 1215. i hung out with this girl teresa for a while, then finally steve got there, looking hottttttt with new sideburns. he gave me an awesome hug and i was like "awww i missed you!" and he was like "its good to see you" and we hung out for a while, we talked and caught up a little and it was nice. then he mentioned beatrice and i was like boooo in my head cos hes soooo hot and smart and sexy and you know. sigh. he was telling me i should move to "dirty jerz" and i wanted to be like "only if youll marry me" but no. the ceremony was WAY LAME and WAY GHETTO. i shall skip discussing it. i did wear my ribbon from undergrad, for adam, seeing as it was the 2 year mark of our loss.. it was sad. but so afterward i introduced steve to my mom, so as she could see how hot he was and she was like "you win, hes pretty good looking" YAY. so we went back to the city and went to alfredo, which is the same restaurant we went to when i graduated from undergrad. i had these yummy spice apple martinis, they were made with like apple juice instead of pucker and had cinnamon sprinkled on them. mmmm.. yah. so we came back here, and my parents hung out for a little, and we talked with candaces parents, it was very cute. my parents left at like 8. i then hung out for a little, watched half of in america with the holloways and then at 10 i went out. i went to chevys for peach margaritas. i sat in dereks section, and gabe pured like 5 shots of herradura silver in my HUGE ASS margarita. im sitting there, and im like "dude, i never realized how big these were till one was put in front of me." i chatted with lee and derek and rodrigo and all them. then i went to smoke a cigarette with derek, where i confided to him that it was the worst day of my life bc i have no idea how to be anything but a student and im petrified about real life and what i have to do with it. we went back in and there was a GNAT in my drink. which was halfway gone. so gabe made me another one with MORE tequila this time. i drank the whole thing. i paid with my debit card and fuckin derek crossed out the tip line, and wrote $7.87 (which is all i paid for all of this alcohol) on the total line. so i wrote in a tip anyway and initialed it, and i was like "you fuck, im tipping you" and he was like "oh, it looks like i lost that slip" and, without turning it over, he crumples it up and throws it away. bastard. then i went to the bathroom and rebecca comes in and shes like "derek was like 'i cant believe she left without saying goodbye!'" and so i went out there and hugged him from behind on the squirrel and i was like "of course im gonna say goodbye!" and it was funny. ok. then i went to siberia to see st azimuth. i got there and chris ray used a free drink ticket to get my a bud light. i watched them play (actually, jesse and i sat on the floor because we were both trashed).. then they were like "we're going back to the rehearsal space" so i said goodbye and told baxter id call him in a wee bit. went back to chevys to tell lee i was bailing on westway bc i was trashed and couldnt go to the diner, and had a nervous breakdown i started crying and i was like "lee, im caught up in feelings that i didnt think i would have when i started this whole charade, and now its this crap and HE DOESNT CARE." and i sat there and i cried and i said i had to go.. and i stumbled out of chevys. then i went over to the rehearsal space and smoked a blunt with the boys. i was totally fucked. i was sitting on the floor and i was like "duuhhhhh." thats it. i went over and sat on he amp with bart and i cuddled with him and i was like "i dont know how im even not dead right now" and i kept saying i was going to kill myself bc thats the only thing for me to do right now. then they decided that it was time to go home and out of the FIVE boys that were there NONE would take me home. so i walked over to 6th ave with baxter and we were almost to the subway when this siler minivan came careening onto the sidewalk hitting a big metal garbage can, sending it flying into this girls leg.. and it was like seriously 20 feet away from us. and i kept thinking that if we had waited for the "walk" sign on broadway it would have been us. it was way weird and surreal. fuckin baxter didnt even wait for me to get in a cab, he went down to the subway. thanks guy. so i wandered around at 4 am looking for a cab, being wasted and shook up from almost dying. and i decided that may 21 was the worst day EVER. first adam, then this whole graduating debacle. im over may 21, and im staying in bed the whole day from this day forth. so there. i got into a cab, called twon. got home, passed out. woke up this morning, went to work. i made $151 today, on $788 sales. i walked with almost 20%. bc i am the shit. i was way chatty and friendly today. im quite happy with myself. but now im here and im sad again. i saw derek at work, but he was upstairs and i was down. we barely interacted bc it was kinda busy. we smoked a cigarette together. he said goodbye when he was leaving, he gave me a hug and told me to take care of myself. i was like ok. yah so. its apparent. this whole thing means nothing to him. and im stupid bc i hoped it would. plus joey quit yesterday, so now dereks gonna quit and i asked him if he would still be my friend, he said yes but.. you know. i dont know. my life sucks.
alright. so now its 8:47. i think i started this at like 7. i have been chatting with candace and watching the price is right. plus i ate some of my leftover fettucine alfredo and stuff. i think i am going to go to bed early tonight. bc i hate my life. and there is no reason for me to stay up, seeing as i hate my life. ok. bye now.
how'd i end up here to begin with? i dont know. why do i start what i cant finish? oh please, dont barrage me with the questions to all those ugly answers. my ego's like my stomach-it keeps shitting what i feed it. but maybe i dont want to finish anything anymore.. maybe i can wait in bed til he comes home. and whispers, "you're in my web now.. ive come to wrap you up tight til its time to bite down."*
cursive.
the problem with the fact that 99% of the music i listen to is written and sung by men becomes a little rough when i wanna use lyrics, but cant without modifying them. i mean, i guess i could just go with it and you'd get the picture, but.. you know. i must change pronouns. anyway. also, the lyrics say "ugly answers" but i swear he SAYS "lovely answers" so hmmmm..
i have a few things to say.. im not in the mood to sit here and type forever, though i think thats what will happen. lets see.. i have not written anything since wednesday.
alright so thursday. thursday was ok. i got up and candaces parents were here, we chatted, it was swell. they are good people. then i went to work. work kind of sucked. i kept asking derek to get a drink with me after, but he kept saying that he needed to "lay low" because he apparently lost $500 more in atlantic city sunday. but i convinced him that i would buy him a beer, and that it would be ok. so i helped him wash the tables at the end of the night, and we went over to this bar on 10th ave and like 39th st or something, it was like a tavern, in a wooden houselike place. there were weirdos there. but it was cool. we had a corona and a shot of jager each (which is customary) and it only cost me $16. woo. um, so then he bought a round of coronas, and we went over and played billiards. i did really good, i havent played pool in like 4 years, but i used to be good, and my skillz (yes, skillz with a z) are still in tact. however, derek is way better than me, making shots behind his back and shit, so he won. i finished my beer, and i said i was going to get another, and he said he was hurting, so i only got one for me. we kissed a bit, and we finished our beers (he was only halfway through his second when i got my third) and he said he had to go home. so i was kinda tipsy since i hadnt eaten all day and i was like "where are we going" just cos i really didnt know where i was going, and he was like "well, i need my bed. so im going home." and so i asked if he wanted me to go with him, or if i should go to my home, and he said "you wanna come with?" and i said if he wanted me to i would. so he asked if i would split a cab, and we did. we got in a cab on the 9th ave side of port authority, and i cuddled up to him and he told me i was really soft and that my hair felt really good, and it made me happy bc he was totally sober and being soo cute and.. i dont know. cos like, kim told me last week that he was saying he didnt know how to hook up sober anymore, and he was sober. but yah so like, it was nice we were just really snuggly, we werent making out like we usually do in the cabs. but anyway. we got to his place and went up to his apartment, and i went to the bathroom and when i came out, he was all cuddling his kitty which melted my heart. she is a huge fat cat and her name is p'scuse me jones. thats a whole nother story, but yah. thats her name. so he was laying on the floor and cuddling her and putting his head on her belly and then he was like "wanna go to bed?" and i was like "yah." so we went to his room and he asked me if i wanted pajamas or anything. so i was like.. um? cos.. pajamas? for what? then i was a little confused bc there was a lack of making out in the taxi, and then he offered me pajamas. but then we got under the covers and in literally zero seconds it was on. so i was happy. i couldnt sleep that night, i kept watching him and thinking about the mess i was laying in. lying in? i dont know. and how i really like him. and looking at that tattoo on his chest thats kinda covered by his chest patch, or how hot he looks in jeans and white tshirt.. and. ugh. we were at the bank and he was making a deposit and i could see the bottoms of the letters on his left arm (the letters that he wont say what they mean, he says "i never tell") and.. i dont know. what have i gotten myself into? i can never finish what ive started. hence the lyrical choice above. yah. so i think i slept like two hours total, and then candace called me at 8:21 cos i had to graduate and shit, and i was like "im up" and i totally went back to sleep for 20 minutes. got up. derek told me how to get to the subway, he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek (ugh, it means nothing to him, i swear) and i was on my way. it took me 38 minutes to get home, and i had to take a 4 minute shower. candaces mom ironed my skirt for me and i got ready. my parents were wayyyy late bc they got caught in traffic on greenpoint ave. so we got to graduation late but it was ok cos it didnt start till 130 and we got there at like 1215. i hung out with this girl teresa for a while, then finally steve got there, looking hottttttt with new sideburns. he gave me an awesome hug and i was like "awww i missed you!" and he was like "its good to see you" and we hung out for a while, we talked and caught up a little and it was nice. then he mentioned beatrice and i was like boooo in my head cos hes soooo hot and smart and sexy and you know. sigh. he was telling me i should move to "dirty jerz" and i wanted to be like "only if youll marry me" but no. the ceremony was WAY LAME and WAY GHETTO. i shall skip discussing it. i did wear my ribbon from undergrad, for adam, seeing as it was the 2 year mark of our loss.. it was sad. but so afterward i introduced steve to my mom, so as she could see how hot he was and she was like "you win, hes pretty good looking" YAY. so we went back to the city and went to alfredo, which is the same restaurant we went to when i graduated from undergrad. i had these yummy spice apple martinis, they were made with like apple juice instead of pucker and had cinnamon sprinkled on them. mmmm.. yah. so we came back here, and my parents hung out for a little, and we talked with candaces parents, it was very cute. my parents left at like 8. i then hung out for a little, watched half of in america with the holloways and then at 10 i went out. i went to chevys for peach margaritas. i sat in dereks section, and gabe pured like 5 shots of herradura silver in my HUGE ASS margarita. im sitting there, and im like "dude, i never realized how big these were till one was put in front of me." i chatted with lee and derek and rodrigo and all them. then i went to smoke a cigarette with derek, where i confided to him that it was the worst day of my life bc i have no idea how to be anything but a student and im petrified about real life and what i have to do with it. we went back in and there was a GNAT in my drink. which was halfway gone. so gabe made me another one with MORE tequila this time. i drank the whole thing. i paid with my debit card and fuckin derek crossed out the tip line, and wrote $7.87 (which is all i paid for all of this alcohol) on the total line. so i wrote in a tip anyway and initialed it, and i was like "you fuck, im tipping you" and he was like "oh, it looks like i lost that slip" and, without turning it over, he crumples it up and throws it away. bastard. then i went to the bathroom and rebecca comes in and shes like "derek was like 'i cant believe she left without saying goodbye!'" and so i went out there and hugged him from behind on the squirrel and i was like "of course im gonna say goodbye!" and it was funny. ok. then i went to siberia to see st azimuth. i got there and chris ray used a free drink ticket to get my a bud light. i watched them play (actually, jesse and i sat on the floor because we were both trashed).. then they were like "we're going back to the rehearsal space" so i said goodbye and told baxter id call him in a wee bit. went back to chevys to tell lee i was bailing on westway bc i was trashed and couldnt go to the diner, and had a nervous breakdown i started crying and i was like "lee, im caught up in feelings that i didnt think i would have when i started this whole charade, and now its this crap and HE DOESNT CARE." and i sat there and i cried and i said i had to go.. and i stumbled out of chevys. then i went over to the rehearsal space and smoked a blunt with the boys. i was totally fucked. i was sitting on the floor and i was like "duuhhhhh." thats it. i went over and sat on he amp with bart and i cuddled with him and i was like "i dont know how im even not dead right now" and i kept saying i was going to kill myself bc thats the only thing for me to do right now. then they decided that it was time to go home and out of the FIVE boys that were there NONE would take me home. so i walked over to 6th ave with baxter and we were almost to the subway when this siler minivan came careening onto the sidewalk hitting a big metal garbage can, sending it flying into this girls leg.. and it was like seriously 20 feet away from us. and i kept thinking that if we had waited for the "walk" sign on broadway it would have been us. it was way weird and surreal. fuckin baxter didnt even wait for me to get in a cab, he went down to the subway. thanks guy. so i wandered around at 4 am looking for a cab, being wasted and shook up from almost dying. and i decided that may 21 was the worst day EVER. first adam, then this whole graduating debacle. im over may 21, and im staying in bed the whole day from this day forth. so there. i got into a cab, called twon. got home, passed out. woke up this morning, went to work. i made $151 today, on $788 sales. i walked with almost 20%. bc i am the shit. i was way chatty and friendly today. im quite happy with myself. but now im here and im sad again. i saw derek at work, but he was upstairs and i was down. we barely interacted bc it was kinda busy. we smoked a cigarette together. he said goodbye when he was leaving, he gave me a hug and told me to take care of myself. i was like ok. yah so. its apparent. this whole thing means nothing to him. and im stupid bc i hoped it would. plus joey quit yesterday, so now dereks gonna quit and i asked him if he would still be my friend, he said yes but.. you know. i dont know. my life sucks.
alright. so now its 8:47. i think i started this at like 7. i have been chatting with candace and watching the price is right. plus i ate some of my leftover fettucine alfredo and stuff. i think i am going to go to bed early tonight. bc i hate my life. and there is no reason for me to stay up, seeing as i hate my life. ok. bye now.
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