Wednesday, May 26, 2004
*can i come your way*
st azimuth
blah. BLAH. its 3pm. this is boring. i just got up. i hate getting up. i was dreaming about derek. in the dream we were working, and we left. we were walking through NYC (but of course it looked like the strip in vegas) and all the sudden he was gone. and i kept trying to call him but his phone was going straight to voice mail, talking about being on the boat. which was weird. so i was alone and it was dark, and i finally found him at this restaurant. and we left, and we got into a cab, and then we got out of the cab to get on the subway (wierd!). and he was being all sweet and tender and i was happy and then i woke up. wide awake. all i wanted to do was go back to sleep and be happy again. but no. the reality is that i had to get up and make myself look alright and soon i will have to go to work. this is not cool. i know what its going to look like when i get there: 10 former ESPN zone employees and me. and i will be bored. i will feel like the new girl in a place ive worked for three years. i will socialize with busboys in half spanish and half english. i will wish things were different, that a good manager was on, or that i had some people to flirt with. i will wish derek was there to come into the side station and rub my back. i will wish bart was there so i could lean on him and get a bunch of good bart hugs. i will come home and get wrecked. i will sit here and talk to twon. i will wish i had a different life, or at least some boy to cuddle with all night. and i will go to bed alone.
i talked to the enigma last night. he seemed cold. he isnt coming to my graduation party because they will be in massachusetts. he said he wished he could celebrate with me. i bet he was saying that bc he felt like he had to. he was being short on AIM so i said i would leave him be. i asked him if he was playing friday, and if not he should call me if he wants. he didnt respond. he was like "have a good night" so i said "goodbye." i meant it. goodbye, goodbye. i cant anymore. i cant handle this or you or the games. perhaps he was upset with my away message, and "i can hardly get myself out of his bed." well you fucking missed yr chance. a chance that you never even wanted anyway. and when you tell me you were thinking of me, it only means you were lonely and you wished you could fuck me. because thats all it means to you anyway.
will i ever be ok?
st azimuth
blah. BLAH. its 3pm. this is boring. i just got up. i hate getting up. i was dreaming about derek. in the dream we were working, and we left. we were walking through NYC (but of course it looked like the strip in vegas) and all the sudden he was gone. and i kept trying to call him but his phone was going straight to voice mail, talking about being on the boat. which was weird. so i was alone and it was dark, and i finally found him at this restaurant. and we left, and we got into a cab, and then we got out of the cab to get on the subway (wierd!). and he was being all sweet and tender and i was happy and then i woke up. wide awake. all i wanted to do was go back to sleep and be happy again. but no. the reality is that i had to get up and make myself look alright and soon i will have to go to work. this is not cool. i know what its going to look like when i get there: 10 former ESPN zone employees and me. and i will be bored. i will feel like the new girl in a place ive worked for three years. i will socialize with busboys in half spanish and half english. i will wish things were different, that a good manager was on, or that i had some people to flirt with. i will wish derek was there to come into the side station and rub my back. i will wish bart was there so i could lean on him and get a bunch of good bart hugs. i will come home and get wrecked. i will sit here and talk to twon. i will wish i had a different life, or at least some boy to cuddle with all night. and i will go to bed alone.
i talked to the enigma last night. he seemed cold. he isnt coming to my graduation party because they will be in massachusetts. he said he wished he could celebrate with me. i bet he was saying that bc he felt like he had to. he was being short on AIM so i said i would leave him be. i asked him if he was playing friday, and if not he should call me if he wants. he didnt respond. he was like "have a good night" so i said "goodbye." i meant it. goodbye, goodbye. i cant anymore. i cant handle this or you or the games. perhaps he was upset with my away message, and "i can hardly get myself out of his bed." well you fucking missed yr chance. a chance that you never even wanted anyway. and when you tell me you were thinking of me, it only means you were lonely and you wished you could fuck me. because thats all it means to you anyway.
will i ever be ok?
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