Friday, June 11, 2004
*hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption winding in and winding out the shine of which has caught my eye
and roped me in so mesmerizing, so hypnotizing i am captivated*
dashboard confessional
im itchy. i think its cos its kinda hot in here. it was cooler today, but the air in here stays so.. i dont know. stagnant. thick.
im kinda tired, but i am not sleepy. im excited about tomorrow. i know i have to work like 9 hours, but afterward im going to see chris. we'll probably go to westway, though he joked that we had to go somewhere else when i talked to him before. we are then going to watch the mothman prophecies, which he says is scary. he promised to protect me if mothman comes. haha. im psyched to get to cuddle and make out and mmmmm.. im very excited, i do not know why, but im reallllllly looking forward to it. the boy makes me tingle, what can i say?
sooooo yah. i worked tonight and it was lame. i had two parties. i made $44 on one party, and $23 on the other. im not complaining, $67 in 3.5 hours is nothing to shake ones head at.. and i certainly made more than if i had been in station 11. and i still have three shifts this week, so its not that bad. tomorrow i should make at least $100, same with saturday.. and sunday ill be happy with $50. i have like $150 right now, or just under that.. and i have a bunch of checks to deposit bc i didnt go to the bank this week.. im going to make my deposit on tuesday as usual.
candace is leaving for tey-has (ok, texas) saturday morning. she is going to meet her nephew, gus. he was born a few weeks ago. hes a baby! you would have to know us to get that one. she will be gone until the 19th.. and when she arrives she is coming out to LI for my graduation party. that means i have no roommate for a whole week. im not that excited, i dont like being home alone. and i think chris is going to be working, which means he wont be able to keep me company. boo! what if someone comes in and takes me? what if i die in my sleep? no one would come check on me till she got home from texas. ok, stop being morose, gille. you will be fine.
eeep eeeep eeep!! im so excited! im so excited!
conversely, i am a little sad that i have not heard from the enigma. i sent him a text today, but he didnt respond. *how did we get this far apart, we used to be so close together* thats the cure. mmmm. i think i used that lyric when i got my tattoo. it is really saddening, though, and i miss him. its no where NEAR as intense as it used to be, and my eagerness to see him is now coupled by dread bc im afraid we will hook up, and what if there is something exclusive going on with chris at that point? i want to see him before he goes on tour, and i think tomorrow is his last day of work.. i dont know what to do. part of me is aching to see him, part of me is terrified and wonders what i've gotten myself into. it sucks. i cant even talk to mike about it, bc its his fucking cousin.. and i cant be like telling him i wanna see the enigma, cos he might tell chris and i dont want that..
ok back to chris. im pretty confused-ish. i mean, i am but im not.. and i know i babbled about this yesterday, so im not going to repeat myself.. candace thinks that i should talk to him and ask him if this is like gonna be friends with benefits or if it has the potential to grow into something big.. but i mean, that seems awkward. and it also seems SOON.. i mean we met 5 days ago. i cant expect to know anything yet. but at the same time, we've already spent a night together.. i cant believe i went home with him on the first night. im not supposed to do that, im supposed to hold myself back from moving too quickly with boys i actually like so as not to get involved in a sexual relationship before there is any emotional or mental thing going on between us. ugh ugh ugh. my stupid hormones get in the way allll the time. i need ass. im like a fucking GUY. and we totally didnt have to do anything saturday, he said it wasnt going to be that night, and then it was bc we got carried away.. seriously the *only* guy who could control himself was dave. and kurt, i guess, but kurt more bc he was afraid to have sex with me.. but dave, we would be making out and he would stop himself bc he didnt want to go to far.. bc he knew i didnt want to have sex with him right away.. and we never did bc he was too afraid he would hurt me bc he wasnt ready to settle down. sometimes i wonder about him. i figure he meant it, or else he would have tried to hit it. i think he really did care about me a lot, and he really didnt want to hurt me. being with him was thrilling. he wasnt hot or anything, but he made me laugh a lot with corny jokes and he made me feel really good. we were going to 7-11 once and i was driving.. and he told me to trust him and to close my eyes for a sec, and when i did, he leaned over and kissed me. while i was driving. it was exciting. and i trusted him. we got high and sat in my downstairs watching tv. he would come over after my mom had gone to work and climb into bed with me. i saw him on halloween in 2000. it was different though, i wasnt attracted to him at all anymore, and it was awkward. i think he wanted another chance. but i met nick that night. and the rest is history. i feel like ive told this story before..
but yah. the point is that im upset with myself for moving quickly, but i know that i wont be able to stop myself tomorrow bc i just plan *need* instant gratification.
in other news, i saw derek tonight. he was working downstairs, though. i was unintentionally a little stiff with him.. i noticed i was doing it, but i couldnt stop. part of me loathes him for making me his fill in girl while katie was mad at him. and i sort of cant believe they are talking again after the whole ordeal that he went through with her last month. but such is life. i am not pressing him to hang out, or even suggesting we do that. it was easy for him to fall out of my life. its a good thing i *didnt* open up to him, that i didnt call him in the middle of the night bc i needed someone. cos i would feel even shittier. he doesnt care. he didnt care. it was all lip service, and i was stupid enough to even believe it for a second. when i was leaving i went and i gave him a crappy hug and a kiss on the cheek that really landed in the air. he asked if i was working tomorrow, and i said yes in NT4.. so he was like "im in 1, so ill see you" and i was like "right on." he asked how my night was, and i was like "it was ok.. later!" and i went outside to smoke a cig with monty. derek came out like a minute later and he talked to me, and i think i was stillbeing distant and awkward and laughing nervously. i wonder if hes onto me. i hope he doesnt ask.
anyway. i am going to vamoose. sweet dreams are made of these.
and roped me in so mesmerizing, so hypnotizing i am captivated*
dashboard confessional
im itchy. i think its cos its kinda hot in here. it was cooler today, but the air in here stays so.. i dont know. stagnant. thick.
im kinda tired, but i am not sleepy. im excited about tomorrow. i know i have to work like 9 hours, but afterward im going to see chris. we'll probably go to westway, though he joked that we had to go somewhere else when i talked to him before. we are then going to watch the mothman prophecies, which he says is scary. he promised to protect me if mothman comes. haha. im psyched to get to cuddle and make out and mmmmm.. im very excited, i do not know why, but im reallllllly looking forward to it. the boy makes me tingle, what can i say?
sooooo yah. i worked tonight and it was lame. i had two parties. i made $44 on one party, and $23 on the other. im not complaining, $67 in 3.5 hours is nothing to shake ones head at.. and i certainly made more than if i had been in station 11. and i still have three shifts this week, so its not that bad. tomorrow i should make at least $100, same with saturday.. and sunday ill be happy with $50. i have like $150 right now, or just under that.. and i have a bunch of checks to deposit bc i didnt go to the bank this week.. im going to make my deposit on tuesday as usual.
candace is leaving for tey-has (ok, texas) saturday morning. she is going to meet her nephew, gus. he was born a few weeks ago. hes a baby! you would have to know us to get that one. she will be gone until the 19th.. and when she arrives she is coming out to LI for my graduation party. that means i have no roommate for a whole week. im not that excited, i dont like being home alone. and i think chris is going to be working, which means he wont be able to keep me company. boo! what if someone comes in and takes me? what if i die in my sleep? no one would come check on me till she got home from texas. ok, stop being morose, gille. you will be fine.
eeep eeeep eeep!! im so excited! im so excited!
conversely, i am a little sad that i have not heard from the enigma. i sent him a text today, but he didnt respond. *how did we get this far apart, we used to be so close together* thats the cure. mmmm. i think i used that lyric when i got my tattoo. it is really saddening, though, and i miss him. its no where NEAR as intense as it used to be, and my eagerness to see him is now coupled by dread bc im afraid we will hook up, and what if there is something exclusive going on with chris at that point? i want to see him before he goes on tour, and i think tomorrow is his last day of work.. i dont know what to do. part of me is aching to see him, part of me is terrified and wonders what i've gotten myself into. it sucks. i cant even talk to mike about it, bc its his fucking cousin.. and i cant be like telling him i wanna see the enigma, cos he might tell chris and i dont want that..
ok back to chris. im pretty confused-ish. i mean, i am but im not.. and i know i babbled about this yesterday, so im not going to repeat myself.. candace thinks that i should talk to him and ask him if this is like gonna be friends with benefits or if it has the potential to grow into something big.. but i mean, that seems awkward. and it also seems SOON.. i mean we met 5 days ago. i cant expect to know anything yet. but at the same time, we've already spent a night together.. i cant believe i went home with him on the first night. im not supposed to do that, im supposed to hold myself back from moving too quickly with boys i actually like so as not to get involved in a sexual relationship before there is any emotional or mental thing going on between us. ugh ugh ugh. my stupid hormones get in the way allll the time. i need ass. im like a fucking GUY. and we totally didnt have to do anything saturday, he said it wasnt going to be that night, and then it was bc we got carried away.. seriously the *only* guy who could control himself was dave. and kurt, i guess, but kurt more bc he was afraid to have sex with me.. but dave, we would be making out and he would stop himself bc he didnt want to go to far.. bc he knew i didnt want to have sex with him right away.. and we never did bc he was too afraid he would hurt me bc he wasnt ready to settle down. sometimes i wonder about him. i figure he meant it, or else he would have tried to hit it. i think he really did care about me a lot, and he really didnt want to hurt me. being with him was thrilling. he wasnt hot or anything, but he made me laugh a lot with corny jokes and he made me feel really good. we were going to 7-11 once and i was driving.. and he told me to trust him and to close my eyes for a sec, and when i did, he leaned over and kissed me. while i was driving. it was exciting. and i trusted him. we got high and sat in my downstairs watching tv. he would come over after my mom had gone to work and climb into bed with me. i saw him on halloween in 2000. it was different though, i wasnt attracted to him at all anymore, and it was awkward. i think he wanted another chance. but i met nick that night. and the rest is history. i feel like ive told this story before..
but yah. the point is that im upset with myself for moving quickly, but i know that i wont be able to stop myself tomorrow bc i just plan *need* instant gratification.
in other news, i saw derek tonight. he was working downstairs, though. i was unintentionally a little stiff with him.. i noticed i was doing it, but i couldnt stop. part of me loathes him for making me his fill in girl while katie was mad at him. and i sort of cant believe they are talking again after the whole ordeal that he went through with her last month. but such is life. i am not pressing him to hang out, or even suggesting we do that. it was easy for him to fall out of my life. its a good thing i *didnt* open up to him, that i didnt call him in the middle of the night bc i needed someone. cos i would feel even shittier. he doesnt care. he didnt care. it was all lip service, and i was stupid enough to even believe it for a second. when i was leaving i went and i gave him a crappy hug and a kiss on the cheek that really landed in the air. he asked if i was working tomorrow, and i said yes in NT4.. so he was like "im in 1, so ill see you" and i was like "right on." he asked how my night was, and i was like "it was ok.. later!" and i went outside to smoke a cig with monty. derek came out like a minute later and he talked to me, and i think i was stillbeing distant and awkward and laughing nervously. i wonder if hes onto me. i hope he doesnt ask.
anyway. i am going to vamoose. sweet dreams are made of these.
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