Tuesday, June 15, 2004
*its only you, beautiful, or i dont want anyone. if i can choose, its only you*
brand new
recycling again, i know. but you know. they fit.
yesterday with the enigma was perfect and gorgeous and everything i ever imagined it could have been. he got here at 920, he sent me a message saying "you gonna come open the door?" and i was like WHEEEE and i ran down. gave him a huge hug. we came up here, and i hugged him a bunch more and kissed him on the cheek. and i was like "wanna go to bed?" and he was like "sure!" so we went into my room and he took off his shoes and climbed into my bed and held the covers up for me. and i got in and we cuddled and cuddled and like maybe 10 or 20 minutes into it his face got real close to mine.. and i could feel his breath and his lips brushing lightly against mine and it was just like the first time all over again. and then we were making out and it was soooooo good and i was soo happy.. and whatever happened and everything was perfect and fabulous. so then we were cuddling and we were gonna go to sleep, but he wasnt sleepy and he kept talking to me.. he read 30 pages of my thesis and we looked at the vegas pictures. then we made out again and more stuff happened and we were just both really happy and yay.... by then it was like 1230, we cuddled a bunch more.. then he said something about "the other boy" and i was like "what, are you jealous?" and he was like "no hehe" and i was like "yah, well you have a girl thats a little more serious..." and we were both kinda quiet for a minute.. then he told me i was hot. which i thought was funny, esp cos we were tlaking about the girlfriend for a sec. anyway, i got quiet and he was like "yr not talking to me" and i asked what he meant.. and he was like "i dont know.. yr not talking to me like you usually do." and so i basically just said that he was confusing me.. bringing up the other guy, and saying i should be with other guys.. and he said it again, that he doesnt *want* me to be with other guys, but he wants me to be happy.. and he understands that if i meet someone else then he knows its his fault for not knowing what he wants. and i said "i dont really understand this, i mean.. you tell me you think you would be happier with me, but then you want me to be with others guys.. you say you think of me all the time, but you dont wanna be with me. i know you dont know what you want, but i cant figure you out." and he was like "i do want to be with you, i do think i would be happier with you. but brooklyn is far. and now that yr finally moving back, im going on tour for a while. i wish there had been a better time, its always been complicated. i just dont know if it could work." and i was like "seriously, if we've felt this way about each other for 7 years, what do we have to lose?" then he said something about he wished it could be the right time.. sigh. so he said he would stop sending me the nice text messages if it made things easier for me. i told him that was crazy, and he should send me whatever he's thinking.. i told him that really, all i want is to be one of the things he looks forward to coming home for. and he said "oh, well i think i have an opening for that. hehe" and it made me happy. so we snuggled more andfell asleep for like half an hour. then he said he was gonna leave at 230. so at like 215 i gave him lots of kisses and he ended up staying till 3! YAY! and i walked him out, and i immediately missed him. ....
so that was that. it felt good to talk about things, and to hear him say out loud that he thinks he would be happy with me. i just know how i feel about him, and i feel like we just need the right time and place.... myabe when he gets done with tour.. i will not wait for him, but i just have a feeling thats how it will work out. i think if i ended up with anyone else, it would not be right, and it would probably not last forever....
on a darker note.. i saw chris last night. and pretty much cemented that our personalities are not going to be at all compatible in the long run. which sucks i guess, but i was like the anti-affectionate with him last night, and i feel like hes a little condescending and arrogant.. so. i need to tell him that this isnt gonna work.. we are wayyy too different, he irritates me when hes telling me what to do and how to do and that im lazy.. not in so many words, but still.. and i just dont want things to go too far bc i am moving to LI and i dont wanna invest in something here.. so yah... i figure maybe tomorrow or thursday i will try to see him after work.. ill tell him he is still welcome to come to my graduation party, and that i wanna be friends.
anyway. im kinda bummed and anxious right now bc of the drama. the enigma is online right now, and i wanna say hi.. but. eh. sometimes its not him. i think i might nap. mike is coming over in a bit. so yah, im out....
brand new
recycling again, i know. but you know. they fit.
yesterday with the enigma was perfect and gorgeous and everything i ever imagined it could have been. he got here at 920, he sent me a message saying "you gonna come open the door?" and i was like WHEEEE and i ran down. gave him a huge hug. we came up here, and i hugged him a bunch more and kissed him on the cheek. and i was like "wanna go to bed?" and he was like "sure!" so we went into my room and he took off his shoes and climbed into my bed and held the covers up for me. and i got in and we cuddled and cuddled and like maybe 10 or 20 minutes into it his face got real close to mine.. and i could feel his breath and his lips brushing lightly against mine and it was just like the first time all over again. and then we were making out and it was soooooo good and i was soo happy.. and whatever happened and everything was perfect and fabulous. so then we were cuddling and we were gonna go to sleep, but he wasnt sleepy and he kept talking to me.. he read 30 pages of my thesis and we looked at the vegas pictures. then we made out again and more stuff happened and we were just both really happy and yay.... by then it was like 1230, we cuddled a bunch more.. then he said something about "the other boy" and i was like "what, are you jealous?" and he was like "no hehe" and i was like "yah, well you have a girl thats a little more serious..." and we were both kinda quiet for a minute.. then he told me i was hot. which i thought was funny, esp cos we were tlaking about the girlfriend for a sec. anyway, i got quiet and he was like "yr not talking to me" and i asked what he meant.. and he was like "i dont know.. yr not talking to me like you usually do." and so i basically just said that he was confusing me.. bringing up the other guy, and saying i should be with other guys.. and he said it again, that he doesnt *want* me to be with other guys, but he wants me to be happy.. and he understands that if i meet someone else then he knows its his fault for not knowing what he wants. and i said "i dont really understand this, i mean.. you tell me you think you would be happier with me, but then you want me to be with others guys.. you say you think of me all the time, but you dont wanna be with me. i know you dont know what you want, but i cant figure you out." and he was like "i do want to be with you, i do think i would be happier with you. but brooklyn is far. and now that yr finally moving back, im going on tour for a while. i wish there had been a better time, its always been complicated. i just dont know if it could work." and i was like "seriously, if we've felt this way about each other for 7 years, what do we have to lose?" then he said something about he wished it could be the right time.. sigh. so he said he would stop sending me the nice text messages if it made things easier for me. i told him that was crazy, and he should send me whatever he's thinking.. i told him that really, all i want is to be one of the things he looks forward to coming home for. and he said "oh, well i think i have an opening for that. hehe" and it made me happy. so we snuggled more andfell asleep for like half an hour. then he said he was gonna leave at 230. so at like 215 i gave him lots of kisses and he ended up staying till 3! YAY! and i walked him out, and i immediately missed him. ....
so that was that. it felt good to talk about things, and to hear him say out loud that he thinks he would be happy with me. i just know how i feel about him, and i feel like we just need the right time and place.... myabe when he gets done with tour.. i will not wait for him, but i just have a feeling thats how it will work out. i think if i ended up with anyone else, it would not be right, and it would probably not last forever....
on a darker note.. i saw chris last night. and pretty much cemented that our personalities are not going to be at all compatible in the long run. which sucks i guess, but i was like the anti-affectionate with him last night, and i feel like hes a little condescending and arrogant.. so. i need to tell him that this isnt gonna work.. we are wayyy too different, he irritates me when hes telling me what to do and how to do and that im lazy.. not in so many words, but still.. and i just dont want things to go too far bc i am moving to LI and i dont wanna invest in something here.. so yah... i figure maybe tomorrow or thursday i will try to see him after work.. ill tell him he is still welcome to come to my graduation party, and that i wanna be friends.
anyway. im kinda bummed and anxious right now bc of the drama. the enigma is online right now, and i wanna say hi.. but. eh. sometimes its not him. i think i might nap. mike is coming over in a bit. so yah, im out....
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