is it too late to heal?

aah!! hes on his way!!! i messaged him at 730, and he responded at like 745 that he is!! so i hopped in the shower and washed up, and when i got out i got another message saying he was only in huntington.. arrrrgh. that means he will be hitting traffic. he'll probably get here at like 915 or something. but still! that means there are probably like 35 minutes left at most!!! if he was at 49 at 810.. it is now 835.. so hes probably at like 33 or so now.. has to get to 16.. but the traffic on greenpoint ave in the morning is intense, and i would imagine that the LIE is backed up by now.. with all those commuters.. im trying to not smoke too many cigs, i dont wanna smell icky when i just showered so id smell pretty and be super soft and YAY!! im watching the traffic right now, and the little things that mean cars look like they are moving alright.

so im listening to cursive right now, being super psyched. my belly is still mushy and im still like aaaaaaah with excitement. i will run downstairs when he messages that he is here, i will run SO FAST ill look like a flash of lightning. run down there, wrap my arms around him in a great big hug! lead him up here and go straight into my bed. i only went to bed at 530. i think i fell asleep right away. my alarm clock went off at 732. so i got approximately 2 hours sleep. which is fine by me bc sleeping beside him will be sooo much better than sleeping alone last night. i put my contacts in, which will probably upset my eyes later, but who cares? no makeup, no nothing. just fresh clean gille. for fresh clean cuddles!!!

i cant see past the cuddles in time. i know im supposed to see chris later, but who cares. he called me last night at like 230 or so, and he said he had just woken up from a nap. and i said i would call him when i was in the city. he said i didnt sound excited. i dont know what he wants from me. he isnt the enigma, he doesnt get cheers and super excitement. i mean, im happy to hang out with him, and im going to suggest we go see mean girls. perhaps have some dinner.. im assuming i will spend the night there. i have to remember saline and stuff. plus im irritated at him for assuming we would hang out in the city. he was like "call me when yr in the city, it doesnt make sense for you to go to brooklyn and then come back here." um, why cant i just go to brooklyn and you can meet me out here??? fucker. it upsets me that he gets to show off all the time (and i know he loves to show off.. he is kind of arrogant), and i dont have the opportunity to be like "this is my stuff, these are my books, these are my cds.." you know? its all chris, all the time. mike says its bc he was a spoiled kid and always got what he wanted, and it made him arrogant in his adult life. whatever. the pretension kind of annoys me though. when i hear his voice sometimes it embarasses me.. i cant explain it well, only that its very.. snooty at times. and you can tell he had a well-to-do upbringing. and here i am, lower middle class gille, who grew up on pb&j and spaghetti, and had two pairs of pants. i did not grow up that way, and spoiled people upset me. mike also says that chris is ultra conservative. i mean, i know he is a republican, but he isnt *that* conservative.

anyway. i dont want to think about chris. i will not feel guilty when the enigma is here, though i will feel guilty later when i am with chris. kim said i would get over it. shes the queen of juggling. she also said that she was disappointed in me, and that i should "lose that conscience." im working in it, girl. trust me.

ok. im going to read more of the love machine, im almost done. im up to like page 430 out of 510. i have to go book shopping, i need more books! anyway. i shall read and bubble with excitement while listening to the ugly organ and.. aaaah!! 850!!! soon gille, soon. dont die of excitement before the cuddles can begin...

*yr in my web now, ive come to wrap you up tight till its time to bite down* ooh i am soooo in yr web!! and i LOVE it.