Monday, June 28, 2004
*i guess i'll always stop and see you, and we'll run into each other's lives. yeah, i guess. although it tears me up inside. everytime it burns my eyes with tears. but i know you're worth the pain. i've so much more to gain by waiting for you. you're going away, but you're not going far.*
alkaline trio
im bored. i cant seem to smoke enough to stay fucked up for as long as i'd like to be. its easier to fade out than to think about the implications of saturdays conversation. i told you i need time.. and that i'd get in touch when im ready, maybe a few weeks.. and that is hard. cos to message before at least two weeks passed would make me look weak. i wonder if he will cave first or respect the distance i have placed between us. part of me wants to get an "i miss you," just so i could be like "dont you dare. dont say things you dont mean to me, no more lies." but im sure i would be like "awww i miss YOU" and burst into tears. and like all the times before, i will get him through his tour with dirty messages and sappy "i wish you were here"s.. i wonder if she sustains him with such text messages. i wonder if she knows about me. in a way, i feel bad for her. she probably has no idea that her boyfriend is slutting around behind her back. spending the day naked in bed with another girl.. telling someone else that he wishes she were there.. she probably has no idea that he wakes up wishing she were someone else. or maybe he didnt mean her by that. maybe he meant the *other* girls he's cheating on her with.. he wishes i were them, but hes happiest with the girl. i cant believe he fucking told me he was trying to see her instead of me. "im gonna try to see the girl." fuck you! fuck her, and fuck you and arrrr.. you fuck. why couldnt you lie to me about THAT? you lie to me about everything else, why cant you lie to me about yr plans? its not fair! she doesnt know about me, why do i have to know about her? you can do this to me, but not to her.. it fucking sucks. i wish i could bring *her* this pain, like find out who she is and ruin her life. and his. mainly i would want to ruin his life. but i caaaaaaant. i fucking cant be that girl.
argh. um.. well i havent posted on her in a while.. bc i was away. i went to LI saturday morning.. went to jill's graduation party.. that was the scene of the terrible text message proclaiming we would not be seeing each other before he left for tour... so i was sad. i went back to my mothers house, laid in my bed and cried. i got up, i was gonna go see the notebook with emily, but we went shopping instead. i bought two pais of new balances (they were on sale, 2 for $89) and a bunch of tank tops and t-shirts and some summer sweaters at h&m.. it didnt really make me feel better, though i wanted it to. after that i came home, talked to mike.. he said he was coming over, so i took a nap. he got to my house at like 930.. we went to the diner and ate some eggs, chatted.. came back to my house and drank apple martinis with my brother and emily and two of their friends.. then we drove around my area, went to the water at stony brook, port jeff, setauket, etc.. then we went to the lake and rolled a joint.. drove around the neighborhood behind my house and smoked.. then we sat in his car for like an hour listening to the doobie brothers and talking about weather patterns, hurricanes, nor'easters, etc. it was fun. we went to bed at like 530, and emily woke me up at 1130 to go to the beach. so mike left and i went to smith's point with rich and em.. we found sand dollars.. got suntans.. we had tickets for the 415 showing of the notebook, but we left the beach too late, which upset me bc im the one who charged the stupid fucking tickets and grrrr.. so whatever, we got back to my house and i went back to sleep. my brother woke me up at like 630 to go to my dads, but i was mopey and tired, and i said i wasnt going. continued to sleep until my mom was screeching at me that it was 9 o'clock and did i know what time the train was.. so i went and checked the schedule. there was one at 943, but i wanted my brother to drive me so i could smoke on the way, so i waited for the 1043. i went to mcdonalds for my mom, ate some non-meat cheeseburgers.. my brother took me to the train. mike called me while i was on the platform and i said i was at the train station, so he suggested i go to his place instead of home. so i got a new ticket for mineola and i met him there. went to his house, rolled a joint.. went to the diner and ate some eggs (again). then we smoked outside his house. came in, watched vh-1 classic (it rocks!!!) all night, and went to bed at like 5. we woke up around 130 today, watched court tv shows, then we went to this mexican place for breakfast/lunch/dinner. i had some tacos, he had a burrito. after that i smoked some, and we drove around fancypants sea cliff and glen cove, looked at huge waterfront homes.. then he drove me back to brooklyn. since i got here, i have been smoking and watching tv. i watched family fear factor, i watched for love or money, and i watched who wants to marry my dad?, which was weird. i had never watched the latter two, and i dont particularly like the former. but they were entertainment. i keep thinking about picking up my guitar, but that would require energy.. of which i have none. all i would do is play "the places you have come to fear the most" over and over again, and then put it back down. cos thats what i do.
tomorrow is kind of promising, but also not exciting at the same time. its tuesday, so i have therapy. im sort of not excited for that, since i will undoubtedly talk about the enigma. there is the potential for tears, and she gets mad at me when im upset about him.. and i really think im going crazy, cos i mean, isnt the definition of insanity someone who repeatedly does the same thing, expecting different results? and isnt that what i do all the time? i repeatedly fall for him, expecting him to fall for me, when all he wants is my body. but i digress... after therapy i have to go get my schedule from chevy's.. perhaps ill call chris to see if he wants to go to westway whilst i wait for twon. i have plans to see twon in the afternoon.. he asked his woman the big question last week, so im excited for him. he said he would get up early to see me. i dont know though, the last two times we had plans he bailed. no fun.. anyway yah, so twon from like 230 on.. then at like 9 im going to go to babylon to see mike playing his techno music at some coffee house.. they are playing from like 8-11, and i dont wanna be there for the whole time, since i will be bored and lonely. i thought if i leave nyc around 830 i will get there around 930 and only have to stay for an hour and a half.. im hoping candace will accompany me. i emailed her. so... babylon till like 11, then mike will drive me home. because he has boyfriend duties with no boyfriend benefits.
tom hanks is on leno. hes pretty funny.
im fucking sober, this is a problem. a PROBLEM, you hear? i think i will pee, play my song a few times, and then smoke some more. im thinking about listening to godammit, bc its one of my favorite alkaline cds and has been a major part of my rotation lately.. hence two posts in a row with lyrics from that record..
goodbye for now..
alkaline trio
im bored. i cant seem to smoke enough to stay fucked up for as long as i'd like to be. its easier to fade out than to think about the implications of saturdays conversation. i told you i need time.. and that i'd get in touch when im ready, maybe a few weeks.. and that is hard. cos to message before at least two weeks passed would make me look weak. i wonder if he will cave first or respect the distance i have placed between us. part of me wants to get an "i miss you," just so i could be like "dont you dare. dont say things you dont mean to me, no more lies." but im sure i would be like "awww i miss YOU" and burst into tears. and like all the times before, i will get him through his tour with dirty messages and sappy "i wish you were here"s.. i wonder if she sustains him with such text messages. i wonder if she knows about me. in a way, i feel bad for her. she probably has no idea that her boyfriend is slutting around behind her back. spending the day naked in bed with another girl.. telling someone else that he wishes she were there.. she probably has no idea that he wakes up wishing she were someone else. or maybe he didnt mean her by that. maybe he meant the *other* girls he's cheating on her with.. he wishes i were them, but hes happiest with the girl. i cant believe he fucking told me he was trying to see her instead of me. "im gonna try to see the girl." fuck you! fuck her, and fuck you and arrrr.. you fuck. why couldnt you lie to me about THAT? you lie to me about everything else, why cant you lie to me about yr plans? its not fair! she doesnt know about me, why do i have to know about her? you can do this to me, but not to her.. it fucking sucks. i wish i could bring *her* this pain, like find out who she is and ruin her life. and his. mainly i would want to ruin his life. but i caaaaaaant. i fucking cant be that girl.
argh. um.. well i havent posted on her in a while.. bc i was away. i went to LI saturday morning.. went to jill's graduation party.. that was the scene of the terrible text message proclaiming we would not be seeing each other before he left for tour... so i was sad. i went back to my mothers house, laid in my bed and cried. i got up, i was gonna go see the notebook with emily, but we went shopping instead. i bought two pais of new balances (they were on sale, 2 for $89) and a bunch of tank tops and t-shirts and some summer sweaters at h&m.. it didnt really make me feel better, though i wanted it to. after that i came home, talked to mike.. he said he was coming over, so i took a nap. he got to my house at like 930.. we went to the diner and ate some eggs, chatted.. came back to my house and drank apple martinis with my brother and emily and two of their friends.. then we drove around my area, went to the water at stony brook, port jeff, setauket, etc.. then we went to the lake and rolled a joint.. drove around the neighborhood behind my house and smoked.. then we sat in his car for like an hour listening to the doobie brothers and talking about weather patterns, hurricanes, nor'easters, etc. it was fun. we went to bed at like 530, and emily woke me up at 1130 to go to the beach. so mike left and i went to smith's point with rich and em.. we found sand dollars.. got suntans.. we had tickets for the 415 showing of the notebook, but we left the beach too late, which upset me bc im the one who charged the stupid fucking tickets and grrrr.. so whatever, we got back to my house and i went back to sleep. my brother woke me up at like 630 to go to my dads, but i was mopey and tired, and i said i wasnt going. continued to sleep until my mom was screeching at me that it was 9 o'clock and did i know what time the train was.. so i went and checked the schedule. there was one at 943, but i wanted my brother to drive me so i could smoke on the way, so i waited for the 1043. i went to mcdonalds for my mom, ate some non-meat cheeseburgers.. my brother took me to the train. mike called me while i was on the platform and i said i was at the train station, so he suggested i go to his place instead of home. so i got a new ticket for mineola and i met him there. went to his house, rolled a joint.. went to the diner and ate some eggs (again). then we smoked outside his house. came in, watched vh-1 classic (it rocks!!!) all night, and went to bed at like 5. we woke up around 130 today, watched court tv shows, then we went to this mexican place for breakfast/lunch/dinner. i had some tacos, he had a burrito. after that i smoked some, and we drove around fancypants sea cliff and glen cove, looked at huge waterfront homes.. then he drove me back to brooklyn. since i got here, i have been smoking and watching tv. i watched family fear factor, i watched for love or money, and i watched who wants to marry my dad?, which was weird. i had never watched the latter two, and i dont particularly like the former. but they were entertainment. i keep thinking about picking up my guitar, but that would require energy.. of which i have none. all i would do is play "the places you have come to fear the most" over and over again, and then put it back down. cos thats what i do.
tomorrow is kind of promising, but also not exciting at the same time. its tuesday, so i have therapy. im sort of not excited for that, since i will undoubtedly talk about the enigma. there is the potential for tears, and she gets mad at me when im upset about him.. and i really think im going crazy, cos i mean, isnt the definition of insanity someone who repeatedly does the same thing, expecting different results? and isnt that what i do all the time? i repeatedly fall for him, expecting him to fall for me, when all he wants is my body. but i digress... after therapy i have to go get my schedule from chevy's.. perhaps ill call chris to see if he wants to go to westway whilst i wait for twon. i have plans to see twon in the afternoon.. he asked his woman the big question last week, so im excited for him. he said he would get up early to see me. i dont know though, the last two times we had plans he bailed. no fun.. anyway yah, so twon from like 230 on.. then at like 9 im going to go to babylon to see mike playing his techno music at some coffee house.. they are playing from like 8-11, and i dont wanna be there for the whole time, since i will be bored and lonely. i thought if i leave nyc around 830 i will get there around 930 and only have to stay for an hour and a half.. im hoping candace will accompany me. i emailed her. so... babylon till like 11, then mike will drive me home. because he has boyfriend duties with no boyfriend benefits.
tom hanks is on leno. hes pretty funny.
im fucking sober, this is a problem. a PROBLEM, you hear? i think i will pee, play my song a few times, and then smoke some more. im thinking about listening to godammit, bc its one of my favorite alkaline cds and has been a major part of my rotation lately.. hence two posts in a row with lyrics from that record..
goodbye for now..
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