Monday, June 14, 2004
*i will lie awake. lie for fun and fake the way i hold you. then you'll fall for every empty word i say.*
brand new
i just got off the phone with kim. we told our respective boy dramas. for some reason i wasnt really feeling like talking, though, which made it crappy. i listened to her talk for like half hour.. and i had nothing to say back.. cos im sleepy. i dont know why. i think part of me really wants to sleep away the time left before i see the enigma.. *if* i see the enigma.. i dont think he will fail me, but who knows with him.
i called chris when i got off the phone with kim, but his message said he was on the phone. so i said to call me back. i am waiting till he calls me to smoke.. cos i know i will be incoherent if i do, and i have to be believable. well. kind of i dont. because the thing is, he never called me tonight, and its midnight. soooo its not like we could have hung out. i only want to talk to him tonight bc i'd like to gauge our plans for tomorrow, like where we are staying, and what we can do. mean girls is playing at the 42nd St AMC, but i think he said he wants to watched the mothman prophecies on video.. we could watch here, but its dvd, so it will go in and out. which sucks. im kinda tired of his place though. i have a bigger bed. but.. if i have the other boy here during the day, then.. i mean, what if chris smells another man on my sheets? is that even possible? perhaps we should do his place. it would be ok, cos i have therapy in the morning. i could even walk. well, no its supposed to rain.. i could take the S to the 6, though. we shall see. i suppose i will sort these things out when he calls me back. if he calls me back. its already 12:15 though.. well, 12:10. and i only called him 10 minutes ago. im soooo impatient.
blah blah. today was like the anti-exciting. i woke up at 5.. came out here, sat on the couch. i went to rite aid and bought a shit load of candy bc it was on sale. i got a mixed minis bag, i got twix, i got peanut m+m's.. and i got riesen. i also got cranberry pills to promote a healthy urinary tract and some smokes. oh and i got small smaples of this shampoo i liked. cool. then i went to key food and i got some salad and some yogurt and cheese, and bagels and peanut butter and jelly.. cookies.. nothing healthy of course. i came home and made a salad with lettuce and cukes.. put oil and vinegar on it and some salt. the vinegar burned my mouth. i should perhaps eat less. im also trying to eat a lot of yogurt to restore the helpful bacteria to my stuff, since the antibiotic for UTI's kills *all* bacteria. anyway, i ate my salad and some yogurt and some cookies, watched law and order.. ate more salad (its so weird, i feel full but only for a little while, then i want junk food). watched crossing jordan. talked to myspace mike on aim for a while (which im still doing).. called kim back.. and the rest has already been said up there.
the lyrics i picked for today were chosen about the enigma.. i think thats how HE feels, not me. empty words.. i think "bike scene" by taking back sunday applies to my side.. "so honestly, how could you say those things.. when you know they dont mean anything, and you know very well, that i cant keep my hands to myself, hands to myseeeelf." yah. tomorrow.. a) will he even come here and b) will we keep our hands to ourselves? i have this picture of us.. the way i see things happening is.. ok, assuming he gets here at 8.. i see myself going downstairs in pajamas, and having him come upstairs. figure we will either sit out here and be like.. yah.. or just go straight to my bed and commence cuddles. i would like it to be the latter, though i am not sure that will happen. my problem is that i would like to shower. i thought i could shower tonight, but i really wanna be super soft and fresh smelling. which means i should get up at like 745 and shower. but what if he doesnt show up on time? and what if he only texts me when he gets here? then what? do i be like "hey, play guitar for a little, im going to rinse off"? nooo. so i have to be clean before he gets here. sigh. i was going to learn hands down on guitar, but i got lazy. perhaps i still will..
anyway. enough for now. probably more later ....
brand new
i just got off the phone with kim. we told our respective boy dramas. for some reason i wasnt really feeling like talking, though, which made it crappy. i listened to her talk for like half hour.. and i had nothing to say back.. cos im sleepy. i dont know why. i think part of me really wants to sleep away the time left before i see the enigma.. *if* i see the enigma.. i dont think he will fail me, but who knows with him.
i called chris when i got off the phone with kim, but his message said he was on the phone. so i said to call me back. i am waiting till he calls me to smoke.. cos i know i will be incoherent if i do, and i have to be believable. well. kind of i dont. because the thing is, he never called me tonight, and its midnight. soooo its not like we could have hung out. i only want to talk to him tonight bc i'd like to gauge our plans for tomorrow, like where we are staying, and what we can do. mean girls is playing at the 42nd St AMC, but i think he said he wants to watched the mothman prophecies on video.. we could watch here, but its dvd, so it will go in and out. which sucks. im kinda tired of his place though. i have a bigger bed. but.. if i have the other boy here during the day, then.. i mean, what if chris smells another man on my sheets? is that even possible? perhaps we should do his place. it would be ok, cos i have therapy in the morning. i could even walk. well, no its supposed to rain.. i could take the S to the 6, though. we shall see. i suppose i will sort these things out when he calls me back. if he calls me back. its already 12:15 though.. well, 12:10. and i only called him 10 minutes ago. im soooo impatient.
blah blah. today was like the anti-exciting. i woke up at 5.. came out here, sat on the couch. i went to rite aid and bought a shit load of candy bc it was on sale. i got a mixed minis bag, i got twix, i got peanut m+m's.. and i got riesen. i also got cranberry pills to promote a healthy urinary tract and some smokes. oh and i got small smaples of this shampoo i liked. cool. then i went to key food and i got some salad and some yogurt and cheese, and bagels and peanut butter and jelly.. cookies.. nothing healthy of course. i came home and made a salad with lettuce and cukes.. put oil and vinegar on it and some salt. the vinegar burned my mouth. i should perhaps eat less. im also trying to eat a lot of yogurt to restore the helpful bacteria to my stuff, since the antibiotic for UTI's kills *all* bacteria. anyway, i ate my salad and some yogurt and some cookies, watched law and order.. ate more salad (its so weird, i feel full but only for a little while, then i want junk food). watched crossing jordan. talked to myspace mike on aim for a while (which im still doing).. called kim back.. and the rest has already been said up there.
the lyrics i picked for today were chosen about the enigma.. i think thats how HE feels, not me. empty words.. i think "bike scene" by taking back sunday applies to my side.. "so honestly, how could you say those things.. when you know they dont mean anything, and you know very well, that i cant keep my hands to myself, hands to myseeeelf." yah. tomorrow.. a) will he even come here and b) will we keep our hands to ourselves? i have this picture of us.. the way i see things happening is.. ok, assuming he gets here at 8.. i see myself going downstairs in pajamas, and having him come upstairs. figure we will either sit out here and be like.. yah.. or just go straight to my bed and commence cuddles. i would like it to be the latter, though i am not sure that will happen. my problem is that i would like to shower. i thought i could shower tonight, but i really wanna be super soft and fresh smelling. which means i should get up at like 745 and shower. but what if he doesnt show up on time? and what if he only texts me when he gets here? then what? do i be like "hey, play guitar for a little, im going to rinse off"? nooo. so i have to be clean before he gets here. sigh. i was going to learn hands down on guitar, but i got lazy. perhaps i still will..
anyway. enough for now. probably more later ....
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