Wednesday, June 23, 2004
"i am as invisible as baby pigeons." thats from the notebook. its another coincidence. just the other day i was talking to chris and he told me the pigeon he had been seeing on his terrace has laid two eggs.. and he said "you never see baby pigeons. they are always big." and i really had never thought about it before, but he was right: i cannot ever recall seeing a baby pigeon. he was saying this bc hes concerned that baby birds will live on his terrace for a long time before they grow. but. yah. another coincidence. my life abounds with them these days. sometimes it freaks me out. sometimes it comforts me, bc coincidences mean you are on the right path.
well, i finished the book about 5 minutes ago. i sat here and read the last 140 pages in one fell swoop. i sobbed. all i want is for my life to be like that. all i want is everlasting love. i cant wait to see the movie. i thought i wouldnt, bc i dont want to ruin the book, but i do! i do! i want to see it the night it opens! and sob! ooooh i just saw a commercial for it.. and it opens friday! im so going saturday. i dont care. im going to be on LI, and i will go ALONE if need be.
so now i have to pick a new book. all of the books i got are under 300 pages, so i will probably get through them rather quickly and again be faced with the prospect of opening great expectations. not a happy prospect, in case you failed to notice how avidly i have been trying to avoid it. i think i will read the fuck-up next. its supposed to be funny, and i suppose i could use a light read after the amount of sobbing that was involved in reading the notebook.
im thinking about going to bed. its almost 4. im not that tired. i napped earlier, from like 6 till 930. i only slept like 4.5 hours last night, so it evened out. my eyes are tired from the tears. maybe ill start the next book....
i miss the enigma incredibly right now. i was aching for him before as i read the story.. i see so many parallels to us in it.. i swear we were meant to be together. i swear that i will never feel the way i feel about him for anyone else. i look for him in every man i meet, but no one ever comes close. and there is nothing spectacular about him. he's just a regular guy from long island who likes to play his own music and be a slacker, and tells me that jobs are for suckers. i wonder about our lives when i move home and hes back from tour. i wonder if it will stop being a plural concept and in turn become our life. our life... one life. sometimes when im laying in bed at night, i imagine how things would be.. i imagine him showing up all the time, i imagine knocks on my door in the middle of the night, or i imagine him quietly slipping into bed with me. i watch time progress, and i imagine what it would be like if he moved in, and we shared a home and a bed and things began to take the course i have waited for them to take since may 20, 1997. may 20, 1997.. i flashed back to that day, that moment, at the mall yesterday. it was weird. i was in fye, which is set up how ... and the vibration just went off: "hey. i totally thought of how awesome it could've been if you came upstate with me. oh well... ill be dreaming of you." talk about a coincidence. i am WRITING about how i imagine us sharing a bed and a life, and here you are, sending me text messages at 4 am, saying you wish i was there, and that you'll be dreaming of me. i swear you are my destiny. i swear we belong together. ... well. back to the story. so i was in fye.. and its set up the same way sam goody was set up, but it isnt in the same storefront.. it is in the space where record town was, back when we had three record stores in the mall.. so whatever, i pick up my moms outkast cd, and i go to the counter, pay for the cd, and i walk out.. and the whole time im thinking about that day in may, and the sparks that flew the moment we laid eyes on each other.. and maybe i do believe in love at first sight, and i definitely believe in fate.. and.. and i walk out of the store, and im lost. i was looking for the big sneaker store and i walked right thinking i had to go back through the center and down the corridor to get there, when in fact i had come from a sotre just feet away from the sneaker store. because for that moment i was back in sam goody, and i'd walked out of fye as if it were sam goody. because he is everywhere. i cant think of a moment that has passed in the past year and half where he didnt cross my mind for even a split second. sure id pushed him out of my mind for years.. because then it was easiest to forget. i had to forget, i'd been denied, and i knew that you wanted to be with someone else. it took me at least a year to cleanse myself of thoughts of you, and i guess i never stopped completely. but that day in august when brother told me of the note on my car, you werent the first person to come to mind when he said yr name. so i suppose i did well enough. now yr back, though, and you dominate my mind. im useless against thoughts of you, and im useless against the overwhelming drive to wake up next to you every morning for the rest of my life..
and just like that, i switch from talking about you to talking TO you. i wish you would respond to my text message, though i think you wont. im somehow feeling that you sent that earlier, and it just now reached me. you are never awake at 4am, and i cant imagine why you would be tonight. im trying to figure out if that message means you arent there with her. "how awesome it couldve been if you came upstate with me." me instead of her? or just me, cos yr not there with any girl? what are you DOING there? i thought maybe working, but wait. you are without job. last summer you built a house up there. you went to school upstate, maybe yr visiting friends? visiting yr grandparents?
oh but im vibrating again.. "ha. weird. i wish you were here now. im in bed all alone. all alone in this room. i want to cuddle and warm up." you always know when i need you, and you always know just what to say. you just answered the questions i was asking. you just knew.. and you are alone. in a bed. wishing i was there. wishing you could cuddle me. at this moment i know i will hear from you while you are away on tour. i will hear from you often, perhaps nightly you will message me, wishing i was cuddled up beside you. this i know. and i can only dream about the possibilities of the future.. the days that you send me these messages from smithtown, when im laying in a bed 15 minutes from you, and i can convince you to get out of yr bed and make it on over to mine. or the days when that wont be necessary, because yr bed will be the same bed as my own. and when you want to cuddle, you can just move on over to my side of the bed and wrap yr arms around me.. what have you to say this time? "i need you to come here and fill my bed. i need you to warm me with yr sexy cuddles hehe." so i said: "if i had a car, i would be halfway there already. i want to cuddle with you and make you so warm. hugs and you.. a perfect combo."
i think if we were together, it would be forever. i think we would be so amazed by each other.. i think we would be one of those couples that makes it to a golden anniversary.. raising a family that abounded in love and hugs and affection.. we would raise babies that would grow into warm and affectionate people who would have had a perfect model of true love to base their lives upon.. something ive never had. something i could learn from every day for the rest of my life. and i never believed it could be these way until i realized that you are what i have been living for.. which is scary. what if we arent meant to be together, and this is all a cruel joke that the fates are playing on me? i evaluate these fears and sometimes i think that its not possible, that there is no way that what i feel is a joke, or misinterpreted impulses that arent love and adoration.. but sometimes i get scared, and i think that this might be fleeting, and that i could push you back into the obscurity i relegated you to when i moved to the city. i left you on long island when i moved. you took off to oswego, and i took off to nyc. i thought i would never see you again. but four years later, there you were. there you were... and here you remain. a huge piece of my heart, and my soul, and i feel forever indebted to the way you have made me feel, even with the hardships and the sadness and the heartache you have caused me over the past seven years.. that all melts into nothing in the larger scheme of things. the sum of the parts becomes a whole that obscures the sad and the hurt, and all i can see is the way you make me feel when i look into yr eyes, or the way i feel when you wrap me in yr arms.. or the way i felt when you wrapped yr whole body around me, yr head resting on the curves on my neck.. i thought it would be uncomfortable with yr wieght on top of me, but rather it felt like pieces of a puzzle that would always fit together perfectly. perfectly..
all i want is for my phone to vibrate again. and again. and for it to never stop vibrating again. and then it did: "aw. yr sweet. i wish i was holding you right now. id hug you so hard and never let go. come and slip into bed with me." and i said.. "sometimes the things you say make me so happy i want to cry. all i want right now is to hug you like id never let go, and curl up with you. and wake up there." and right away, he said "aw. well i like hugging you. what can i say?" and i swear i am melting. hes sending messages so fast right now, and i know hes thinking of me and maybe he'll fall asleep with his phone in his arms, cuddling it like it was me..
im going to stop transcribing the messages.. i have a feeling they might get dirty soon, and those are only for me. i willingly share the tame ones, the ones that warm my heart.. but the ones that make me tingle, those are for me.. and i sometimes transcribe them into my paper journal, because no one gets to read that.
the sun will soon be on its way, and i feel like i should sleep with its arrival, as i always do. but i cant sleep right now, all i can think about is the prospect of you and i and forever. and if not forever, then for a day. a moment in time.. and during that moment time stands still for me. the world could be crumbling around us, and it undoubtedly always is, but i cease to notice, and i cease to care, bc that moment is always perfect and complete, and i could ask for nothing more in my life than to know what it feels like to be held and to know that the moment will live on forever, if only in my head. i have never felt as comfortable with anyone as i feel when im with you. the comfort level i had with chaz was very high, and i often think that that is how i knew i loved him.. and part of me still does love him, and the memories of us.. but the comfort i feel with you rivals that comfort. ive always been self conscious of my body, but when im with you, i can be naked and walk around the house, and its like who cares? i have nothing to hide from you. its incredible.
i cant type anymore, though i want to. i want to go on and on and on about you and how you make me feel.. but im starting to get tired, and i have to lay down. my back in starting to hurt a little, and im ready to curl up with my pillow and think about the possibilities for the future. for our future.. and even if im planning something that can never be, and is not really slated in the stars, it brings me comfort, and the images i conjure up bring me calm and peace..
and i think, in a way, i need those imaginations. the same way that i need you. and the same way you must need me, if what you type is true.. "i need gille. i want to hold you and cuddle you and..." the rest is for me.
goodnight.
well, i finished the book about 5 minutes ago. i sat here and read the last 140 pages in one fell swoop. i sobbed. all i want is for my life to be like that. all i want is everlasting love. i cant wait to see the movie. i thought i wouldnt, bc i dont want to ruin the book, but i do! i do! i want to see it the night it opens! and sob! ooooh i just saw a commercial for it.. and it opens friday! im so going saturday. i dont care. im going to be on LI, and i will go ALONE if need be.
so now i have to pick a new book. all of the books i got are under 300 pages, so i will probably get through them rather quickly and again be faced with the prospect of opening great expectations. not a happy prospect, in case you failed to notice how avidly i have been trying to avoid it. i think i will read the fuck-up next. its supposed to be funny, and i suppose i could use a light read after the amount of sobbing that was involved in reading the notebook.
im thinking about going to bed. its almost 4. im not that tired. i napped earlier, from like 6 till 930. i only slept like 4.5 hours last night, so it evened out. my eyes are tired from the tears. maybe ill start the next book....
i miss the enigma incredibly right now. i was aching for him before as i read the story.. i see so many parallels to us in it.. i swear we were meant to be together. i swear that i will never feel the way i feel about him for anyone else. i look for him in every man i meet, but no one ever comes close. and there is nothing spectacular about him. he's just a regular guy from long island who likes to play his own music and be a slacker, and tells me that jobs are for suckers. i wonder about our lives when i move home and hes back from tour. i wonder if it will stop being a plural concept and in turn become our life. our life... one life. sometimes when im laying in bed at night, i imagine how things would be.. i imagine him showing up all the time, i imagine knocks on my door in the middle of the night, or i imagine him quietly slipping into bed with me. i watch time progress, and i imagine what it would be like if he moved in, and we shared a home and a bed and things began to take the course i have waited for them to take since may 20, 1997. may 20, 1997.. i flashed back to that day, that moment, at the mall yesterday. it was weird. i was in fye, which is set up how ... and the vibration just went off: "hey. i totally thought of how awesome it could've been if you came upstate with me. oh well... ill be dreaming of you." talk about a coincidence. i am WRITING about how i imagine us sharing a bed and a life, and here you are, sending me text messages at 4 am, saying you wish i was there, and that you'll be dreaming of me. i swear you are my destiny. i swear we belong together. ... well. back to the story. so i was in fye.. and its set up the same way sam goody was set up, but it isnt in the same storefront.. it is in the space where record town was, back when we had three record stores in the mall.. so whatever, i pick up my moms outkast cd, and i go to the counter, pay for the cd, and i walk out.. and the whole time im thinking about that day in may, and the sparks that flew the moment we laid eyes on each other.. and maybe i do believe in love at first sight, and i definitely believe in fate.. and.. and i walk out of the store, and im lost. i was looking for the big sneaker store and i walked right thinking i had to go back through the center and down the corridor to get there, when in fact i had come from a sotre just feet away from the sneaker store. because for that moment i was back in sam goody, and i'd walked out of fye as if it were sam goody. because he is everywhere. i cant think of a moment that has passed in the past year and half where he didnt cross my mind for even a split second. sure id pushed him out of my mind for years.. because then it was easiest to forget. i had to forget, i'd been denied, and i knew that you wanted to be with someone else. it took me at least a year to cleanse myself of thoughts of you, and i guess i never stopped completely. but that day in august when brother told me of the note on my car, you werent the first person to come to mind when he said yr name. so i suppose i did well enough. now yr back, though, and you dominate my mind. im useless against thoughts of you, and im useless against the overwhelming drive to wake up next to you every morning for the rest of my life..
and just like that, i switch from talking about you to talking TO you. i wish you would respond to my text message, though i think you wont. im somehow feeling that you sent that earlier, and it just now reached me. you are never awake at 4am, and i cant imagine why you would be tonight. im trying to figure out if that message means you arent there with her. "how awesome it couldve been if you came upstate with me." me instead of her? or just me, cos yr not there with any girl? what are you DOING there? i thought maybe working, but wait. you are without job. last summer you built a house up there. you went to school upstate, maybe yr visiting friends? visiting yr grandparents?
oh but im vibrating again.. "ha. weird. i wish you were here now. im in bed all alone. all alone in this room. i want to cuddle and warm up." you always know when i need you, and you always know just what to say. you just answered the questions i was asking. you just knew.. and you are alone. in a bed. wishing i was there. wishing you could cuddle me. at this moment i know i will hear from you while you are away on tour. i will hear from you often, perhaps nightly you will message me, wishing i was cuddled up beside you. this i know. and i can only dream about the possibilities of the future.. the days that you send me these messages from smithtown, when im laying in a bed 15 minutes from you, and i can convince you to get out of yr bed and make it on over to mine. or the days when that wont be necessary, because yr bed will be the same bed as my own. and when you want to cuddle, you can just move on over to my side of the bed and wrap yr arms around me.. what have you to say this time? "i need you to come here and fill my bed. i need you to warm me with yr sexy cuddles hehe." so i said: "if i had a car, i would be halfway there already. i want to cuddle with you and make you so warm. hugs and you.. a perfect combo."
i think if we were together, it would be forever. i think we would be so amazed by each other.. i think we would be one of those couples that makes it to a golden anniversary.. raising a family that abounded in love and hugs and affection.. we would raise babies that would grow into warm and affectionate people who would have had a perfect model of true love to base their lives upon.. something ive never had. something i could learn from every day for the rest of my life. and i never believed it could be these way until i realized that you are what i have been living for.. which is scary. what if we arent meant to be together, and this is all a cruel joke that the fates are playing on me? i evaluate these fears and sometimes i think that its not possible, that there is no way that what i feel is a joke, or misinterpreted impulses that arent love and adoration.. but sometimes i get scared, and i think that this might be fleeting, and that i could push you back into the obscurity i relegated you to when i moved to the city. i left you on long island when i moved. you took off to oswego, and i took off to nyc. i thought i would never see you again. but four years later, there you were. there you were... and here you remain. a huge piece of my heart, and my soul, and i feel forever indebted to the way you have made me feel, even with the hardships and the sadness and the heartache you have caused me over the past seven years.. that all melts into nothing in the larger scheme of things. the sum of the parts becomes a whole that obscures the sad and the hurt, and all i can see is the way you make me feel when i look into yr eyes, or the way i feel when you wrap me in yr arms.. or the way i felt when you wrapped yr whole body around me, yr head resting on the curves on my neck.. i thought it would be uncomfortable with yr wieght on top of me, but rather it felt like pieces of a puzzle that would always fit together perfectly. perfectly..
all i want is for my phone to vibrate again. and again. and for it to never stop vibrating again. and then it did: "aw. yr sweet. i wish i was holding you right now. id hug you so hard and never let go. come and slip into bed with me." and i said.. "sometimes the things you say make me so happy i want to cry. all i want right now is to hug you like id never let go, and curl up with you. and wake up there." and right away, he said "aw. well i like hugging you. what can i say?" and i swear i am melting. hes sending messages so fast right now, and i know hes thinking of me and maybe he'll fall asleep with his phone in his arms, cuddling it like it was me..
im going to stop transcribing the messages.. i have a feeling they might get dirty soon, and those are only for me. i willingly share the tame ones, the ones that warm my heart.. but the ones that make me tingle, those are for me.. and i sometimes transcribe them into my paper journal, because no one gets to read that.
the sun will soon be on its way, and i feel like i should sleep with its arrival, as i always do. but i cant sleep right now, all i can think about is the prospect of you and i and forever. and if not forever, then for a day. a moment in time.. and during that moment time stands still for me. the world could be crumbling around us, and it undoubtedly always is, but i cease to notice, and i cease to care, bc that moment is always perfect and complete, and i could ask for nothing more in my life than to know what it feels like to be held and to know that the moment will live on forever, if only in my head. i have never felt as comfortable with anyone as i feel when im with you. the comfort level i had with chaz was very high, and i often think that that is how i knew i loved him.. and part of me still does love him, and the memories of us.. but the comfort i feel with you rivals that comfort. ive always been self conscious of my body, but when im with you, i can be naked and walk around the house, and its like who cares? i have nothing to hide from you. its incredible.
i cant type anymore, though i want to. i want to go on and on and on about you and how you make me feel.. but im starting to get tired, and i have to lay down. my back in starting to hurt a little, and im ready to curl up with my pillow and think about the possibilities for the future. for our future.. and even if im planning something that can never be, and is not really slated in the stars, it brings me comfort, and the images i conjure up bring me calm and peace..
and i think, in a way, i need those imaginations. the same way that i need you. and the same way you must need me, if what you type is true.. "i need gille. i want to hold you and cuddle you and..." the rest is for me.
goodnight.
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