Sunday, June 13, 2004
*breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep, this air is blessed, you share with me, this night is wild, so calm and dull, these hearts they race, from self control, yr legs are smooth, as they graze mine, we're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all.. my hopes are so high that yr kiss might kill me, so wont you kill me, so i die happy? my heart is yrs to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer. hands down this is the best day, i can ever remember, ill always remember the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights, the scent of yr hair, that you twirled in yr fingers, and the time on the clock, when we realized its so late, and this walk that we share, together.*
dashboard confessional
i know ive used these lyrics time and time again, and always in reference to the enigma. its our song. it makes me feel soo good, remembering our first night together and having that song so many of the emotions i felt that day. yesterday we texted from like 1030am till 1am. yahhh. it was real intense. some exerpts, you say? sure. why not..
443pm : i think we worked real well together. seriously you were perfect. the talking to the actions... perfect.
455pm : i always want you. i dont know how you do it. and i always want you 10x more than i ever wanted anyone.
.. i ask him if he ever thinks of me when hes hooking up with other girls ..
919pm : i dont know. maybe. i know i've woken up thinking of you, wishing you were there instead of the person i was with. i definitely think of you a lot.. a lot.
1032pm : i seriously think of you all the time. i always want to be with you. i always feel like i'd be happier with you. im always attracted to you too.
1201am : i want to see you monday. i wanna make you smile so good. ill come early. we can cuddle and sleep together. then wake and cuddle some more. i cant wait to feel you.
1244am : im gonna get some sleep now. i wish i was getting some.. from you of course. im gonna dream about feeling yr skin close. wishing you were here.
.. i ask him if he thinks we'll ever stop feeling this way about each other ..
1256am : dont know. i guess we've felt this way for years now huh? i guess we'll have to find out. have a good night and think of me. ill be thinking of you.
*sigh* the whole thing felt so surreal. sometimes i couldnt believe he was typing those words.. "i always think i would be happier with you." it made me giddy, i got butterflies, and i constantly had to restrain myself from writing "i love you." because its the only thing that kept running through my head. over and over.
and then it was weird. cos, you know, i was staying with chris that night. at first i felt awkward.. and i didnt know what to say. i felt nervous and guilty. but he made me laugh and he was all cute and i kinda stopped thinking about the enigma for long enough to enjoy my evening with chris. but he was in a bad mood, all grumpy, and i pinched him and he kinda snapped at me. which made me a little irritated, cos i didnt even pinch him hard. so whatever, that was on the walk home from a bar, where we had a beer after going to westway. so we get back to his place, and it was late so we got ready for bed.. and we made out, whatever, and he got all frustrated with me bc he couldnt read my body language (??) and he felt like he wasnt being effectual with me. but he was totally overreacting, and he got pouty, and he didnt wanna do *anything* he just wanted to lay there and go to sleep. so we kinda argued cos hey, i thought i was gonna get some. but besides that, it was really stupid for him to get all pissy bc i wasnt being fulfilled. grr. well he finally fell asleep at like 6, and i probably fell asleep around 630 or 7.. the alarm was set for 830 (i told him to set it for 910, but noooo) and so it goes off, he gets out of bed, turns it off, comes back and cuddles with me. we fall back asleep. i wake up at the clock says 935. im like "fuck" and i jump out of bed. i had to race to get ready for work, and i clocked in 22 minutes late. that kind of irritated me.
work was ok. i made $200, it was sooooooooo busy!! i was sooo happy! it was painless, i walked with 18%, i was sooo cheerful from the enigma discussion from yesterday. it cancelled out the drama with chris. and i gave away my sunday morning shift. cos i knew i would be up at 2 am writing in my ejournal instead of sleeping and i just need some rest! now i have three days off! woooo!!
after work i met up with twon and we went to the hollywood diner (14th and 6th) for dinner. it was good. he had roasted duck (ewww) and i had fettucine alfredo with mozz sticks as an app. after that we wondered around and ended up at madison square park. we talked for a while and watched these bright green lightening bugs. then we went over to where his gf works and hung out there till she closed the place. once closed, we walked to 14th & 8th.. i got on the E and they got on the L. i should have gotten on the L too, but i wasnt thinking. i was soo tired, all i wanted to do was come sleep. mike wanted me to go to a party with him tonight, but i was wayyy too tired. i meant to be asleep by now. i still plan to go to bed fairly soon.
so chris called me at like 11:45. he was with his cousins, and he asked if i wanted to play tomorrow night.. and i was kinda high and i had to think of a reason why i couldnt see him sunday night (as that would *certainly* impede the early morning arrival of the enigma!!), and i just was like "i feel like i have stuff to do monday morning, i have to check my planner" to buy myself some time. and he suggested monday night, and i said i was totally free, so we should do that. which would be weird, you know, sloppy seconds with chris. oops. but hanging out with him after the enigma is way easier than before, since the enigma would be leaving here by like 4, anyway. i could see chris for dinner at like 6. and no one would ever know except me and you. why am i being so nefarious? ive never been sneaky before. i mean, im not *cheating* on chris, we have never discussed exclusivity, and he didnt ask if i was hooking up with anyone when we met. part of me feels like im cheating on the enigma bc hes the one i have serious feelings for that will never diminish (obviously). i mean, i reallllly like chris, i think he is great, but the way i feel about him doesnt compare to the enigma, i cant imagine it ever becoming that way, either.. i live and breathe for the enigma, i have for seven years. i need him, and he needs me, in some weird warped way. and the more i fight it, the more intense it becomes when it worms its way back into the forefront of my mind. we belong together.
but. i like chris, too. and the enigma cannot give me what i need at this point in my life.. he is going out on tour from july to september, and then again in october if the summer tour goes well. i know ive always said i would wait for him and simply be the girl he comes home to.. but if anything is going to really HAPPEN between us, it wont happen for like another six months or a year. so why should i give up other men in the meantime? even if things do go exclusive with chris, it wont be hard for me to be faithful, seeing as the enigma wont be in the state or even in this region of the country for most of the time.
i think really, im just cheating on myself.
so whatever like 20 minutes later chris calls me back and hes like "yah i just wanted to call you back so i could talk to you away from my cousins for a few minutes.. how was yr day?" and i told him. and he was like "im really sorry about you being late to work, that was dick of me to fail at making sure you got up." and he kept apologizing for being grumpy last night and he said he was sorry if he bummed me out, but that he was really glad i came over last night.. and i said i was too, but im not sure i meant it the same way he did, and i dont think it would have been sincere if i'd said anything more than "me too." but. yes. i thought it was weird that he called me back, bc i mean, we didnt cover new ground whilst out of the earshot of his cousins.. we had the same conversation we had had 20 minutes before. it made little sense. and he said he would call me tomorrow, and that we should do something monday. i said ok.
what have i gotten myself into?
i will sleep now. im burning out from being awake 17 hours, and working 9 of those hours, on at most 2.5 hours sleep. zzzz night night..
dashboard confessional
i know ive used these lyrics time and time again, and always in reference to the enigma. its our song. it makes me feel soo good, remembering our first night together and having that song so many of the emotions i felt that day. yesterday we texted from like 1030am till 1am. yahhh. it was real intense. some exerpts, you say? sure. why not..
443pm : i think we worked real well together. seriously you were perfect. the talking to the actions... perfect.
455pm : i always want you. i dont know how you do it. and i always want you 10x more than i ever wanted anyone.
.. i ask him if he ever thinks of me when hes hooking up with other girls ..
919pm : i dont know. maybe. i know i've woken up thinking of you, wishing you were there instead of the person i was with. i definitely think of you a lot.. a lot.
1032pm : i seriously think of you all the time. i always want to be with you. i always feel like i'd be happier with you. im always attracted to you too.
1201am : i want to see you monday. i wanna make you smile so good. ill come early. we can cuddle and sleep together. then wake and cuddle some more. i cant wait to feel you.
1244am : im gonna get some sleep now. i wish i was getting some.. from you of course. im gonna dream about feeling yr skin close. wishing you were here.
.. i ask him if he thinks we'll ever stop feeling this way about each other ..
1256am : dont know. i guess we've felt this way for years now huh? i guess we'll have to find out. have a good night and think of me. ill be thinking of you.
*sigh* the whole thing felt so surreal. sometimes i couldnt believe he was typing those words.. "i always think i would be happier with you." it made me giddy, i got butterflies, and i constantly had to restrain myself from writing "i love you." because its the only thing that kept running through my head. over and over.
and then it was weird. cos, you know, i was staying with chris that night. at first i felt awkward.. and i didnt know what to say. i felt nervous and guilty. but he made me laugh and he was all cute and i kinda stopped thinking about the enigma for long enough to enjoy my evening with chris. but he was in a bad mood, all grumpy, and i pinched him and he kinda snapped at me. which made me a little irritated, cos i didnt even pinch him hard. so whatever, that was on the walk home from a bar, where we had a beer after going to westway. so we get back to his place, and it was late so we got ready for bed.. and we made out, whatever, and he got all frustrated with me bc he couldnt read my body language (??) and he felt like he wasnt being effectual with me. but he was totally overreacting, and he got pouty, and he didnt wanna do *anything* he just wanted to lay there and go to sleep. so we kinda argued cos hey, i thought i was gonna get some. but besides that, it was really stupid for him to get all pissy bc i wasnt being fulfilled. grr. well he finally fell asleep at like 6, and i probably fell asleep around 630 or 7.. the alarm was set for 830 (i told him to set it for 910, but noooo) and so it goes off, he gets out of bed, turns it off, comes back and cuddles with me. we fall back asleep. i wake up at the clock says 935. im like "fuck" and i jump out of bed. i had to race to get ready for work, and i clocked in 22 minutes late. that kind of irritated me.
work was ok. i made $200, it was sooooooooo busy!! i was sooo happy! it was painless, i walked with 18%, i was sooo cheerful from the enigma discussion from yesterday. it cancelled out the drama with chris. and i gave away my sunday morning shift. cos i knew i would be up at 2 am writing in my ejournal instead of sleeping and i just need some rest! now i have three days off! woooo!!
after work i met up with twon and we went to the hollywood diner (14th and 6th) for dinner. it was good. he had roasted duck (ewww) and i had fettucine alfredo with mozz sticks as an app. after that we wondered around and ended up at madison square park. we talked for a while and watched these bright green lightening bugs. then we went over to where his gf works and hung out there till she closed the place. once closed, we walked to 14th & 8th.. i got on the E and they got on the L. i should have gotten on the L too, but i wasnt thinking. i was soo tired, all i wanted to do was come sleep. mike wanted me to go to a party with him tonight, but i was wayyy too tired. i meant to be asleep by now. i still plan to go to bed fairly soon.
so chris called me at like 11:45. he was with his cousins, and he asked if i wanted to play tomorrow night.. and i was kinda high and i had to think of a reason why i couldnt see him sunday night (as that would *certainly* impede the early morning arrival of the enigma!!), and i just was like "i feel like i have stuff to do monday morning, i have to check my planner" to buy myself some time. and he suggested monday night, and i said i was totally free, so we should do that. which would be weird, you know, sloppy seconds with chris. oops. but hanging out with him after the enigma is way easier than before, since the enigma would be leaving here by like 4, anyway. i could see chris for dinner at like 6. and no one would ever know except me and you. why am i being so nefarious? ive never been sneaky before. i mean, im not *cheating* on chris, we have never discussed exclusivity, and he didnt ask if i was hooking up with anyone when we met. part of me feels like im cheating on the enigma bc hes the one i have serious feelings for that will never diminish (obviously). i mean, i reallllly like chris, i think he is great, but the way i feel about him doesnt compare to the enigma, i cant imagine it ever becoming that way, either.. i live and breathe for the enigma, i have for seven years. i need him, and he needs me, in some weird warped way. and the more i fight it, the more intense it becomes when it worms its way back into the forefront of my mind. we belong together.
but. i like chris, too. and the enigma cannot give me what i need at this point in my life.. he is going out on tour from july to september, and then again in october if the summer tour goes well. i know ive always said i would wait for him and simply be the girl he comes home to.. but if anything is going to really HAPPEN between us, it wont happen for like another six months or a year. so why should i give up other men in the meantime? even if things do go exclusive with chris, it wont be hard for me to be faithful, seeing as the enigma wont be in the state or even in this region of the country for most of the time.
i think really, im just cheating on myself.
so whatever like 20 minutes later chris calls me back and hes like "yah i just wanted to call you back so i could talk to you away from my cousins for a few minutes.. how was yr day?" and i told him. and he was like "im really sorry about you being late to work, that was dick of me to fail at making sure you got up." and he kept apologizing for being grumpy last night and he said he was sorry if he bummed me out, but that he was really glad i came over last night.. and i said i was too, but im not sure i meant it the same way he did, and i dont think it would have been sincere if i'd said anything more than "me too." but. yes. i thought it was weird that he called me back, bc i mean, we didnt cover new ground whilst out of the earshot of his cousins.. we had the same conversation we had had 20 minutes before. it made little sense. and he said he would call me tomorrow, and that we should do something monday. i said ok.
what have i gotten myself into?
i will sleep now. im burning out from being awake 17 hours, and working 9 of those hours, on at most 2.5 hours sleep. zzzz night night..
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