is it too late to heal?

well. its 310ish.. and i am alone. he stopped messaging me at like 1230 or something. maybe he fell asleep. or maybe he has some other girl taking care of him right now, maybe he's sleeping beside someone else. and in the morning, he will wake up wishing it were me. blah blah blah. maybe it's just talk. its like sometimes i have this great leap of faith in him, and i believe everything he says, but other times i dont believe any of it.. ("and you'll fall for every empty word i say..") yah. so now im sitting here, thinking about all the places he could be, all the girls who could be in bed with him.. and doubting that his car wouldnt start. its times like these when i wonder if i could ever trust him enough to make him my forever.. i think i stopped trusting him a long time ago. sometimes i renew my faith in him, but usually it falls flat. why the fuck do you send me messages at 4am, wishing i was there, and then bail on me? you were going to sleep over! do you understand that we havent woken up together since june 4, 2003?? thats like one year and 20 days ago! thats 385 days! thats 385 mornings you woke up alone or with someone else! when you tell me all the time you wake up wishing i was there! what the fuck?! do you mean what you say? no, certainly not. its all empty and meaningless. and i will wake up without you for the 386th time tomorrow. alone and bitter.

i guess im just frustrated. i have every right to be. i cant be mad at him bc his car isnt starting. but i feel like it doesnt have to be the truth. if he has gotten away with cheating on laura this long, he must be pretty good at lying. maybe he is with her.. maybe she missed him, and she is closer than brooklyn.. so he didnt need me. he didnt need to wake up next to me. but he wishes it was me when its someone else. or maybe thats crap too. maybe its part of the endless line of lies that drop out of his mouth.. that drop from his fingertips.. just another way to keep me strung along.

man i need to sleep with someone else. that usually makes me feel better for a little while. it makes me feel like im showing him that i can still get some, even when its not with him. even though i dont tell him. my own secret revenge.. why cant i move on, and really show him? that would be it, cos he knows its his fault if i start seeing someone else.. bc i have waited SEVEN years for him, and its starting to get old and be routine.. seven years.. do you even know? i fucking told him that *this* stands between me and moving on. the prospect of him laying in my bed overrules any feelings that begin to stir in me for another man. you squash the possibilities that arise for me.

SQUASH! SQUASH!

because you cant string me along if i cut the cord...