Tuesday, July 20, 2004
*breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep, this air is blessed, you share with me, this night is wild, so calm and dull, these hearts they race, from self control, yr legs are smooth, as they graze mine, we're doin fine, we're doin nothing at all.. my hopes are so high that yr kiss might kill me, so wont you kill me, so i die happy? my heart is yrs to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer*
dashboard confessional.
oooh my favorite song ever ever ever. ooooh. ok, well "black" is really my favorite song of all time, and its probably tied with "disintergration," but "hands down" gets closer and closer to making it a three-way-tie all the time. it applies to me right now bc all i can think about is the enigma, and how badly i wanna see him, and how excited i am to be able to hug him tomorrow! he was talking about it tonight! YAY! so i feel more secure. lets see, he said.. "well i cant wait till tomorrow" and "i wish it was tomorrow already. i was thinking of stopping by tonight but i didnt hear from you so i went home" and "i cant wait to be with you." so i feel like he will not fail me this time. i talked to twon via email, and he said that they play at 830, and will probably play till 10. that is bad, bc i have to be here for the boyyyyy!! but i cant tell twon im ducking out to go see the enigma. no one approves of our love. hahaha. our love. imagine? anyway. he said they might play till 1030, and i said in that case i might have to leave a little early. i told the boy that i would be home around 930. i suppose if i leave at 10 and i take a taxi i can be home by like.. 1015? i dunno i think i will tell him to text me when he is leaving his place. that way i can plan leaving accordingly. he has a history of not getting here till 11 or 12 on nights he plans to spend the night, however, so it is entirely possible that he wont get here till late anyway, and i will be fine to get home in time for the boy. i can just shower when he gets here *evil grin*
eeep!! eeep!!! im so excited for tomorrow! i cant wait, im gonna give him a GREAT BIG HUG and a kiss on the cheek and i am gonna grab his hands and lead him up the stairs and get into my pj shorts and come lay on the couch and watch whatever movie he is bringing (i think its jeepers creepers, which i have no idea what its about) and try to hold out. the last movie we got through was wrong turn, starring eliza dushku. the last movie we rented together was school of rock. i took nothing away from that movie. nor did i take anything away from the movie we rented before that, which was 28 days later.
i really love how my 20oz coke bottle says "NO REFILL" on the side. did they have *that* much of a problem with people coming to coke factories, demanding a refill since the bottle didnt state it was non-refillabl? also, today i have been refilling my 20oz bottle with the contents of a 1 liter bottle of coke. the reason for this is that they were out of cokes at the bodega, and i refuse to pay more than $1 for my habit, so i got the liter bottles and im pouring it into the smaller bottle. that way it stays colder longer. since it takes me forfuckingever to drink anything. so, is that, like illegal? am i breakin the law? i hope so.
getting back to the boy.. oh my oh my oh my. i cannot wait. i know things are going to move really fast, but, in a way, they have to. there is going to be soooo much sexual tension when he gets here that conversation will be awkward. this is what always happens. he fidgets a lot, and makes noises and giggles and looks away from me a lot and smiles silly like a little kid. and i giggle, and i bury my face in his chest, or i whisper things to him and we both want each other so bad that we have to hook up and get it out of the way before we can relax and catch up, and he can tell me about tour.. cos i never talk. he talks a lot. which is funny bc he is really shy and generally not a people person, but he talks and talks, and tells me silly stories about the band and the road and blah blah. and i cuddle him while he talks. sometimes i talk about school, or moving home, or the workplace. last time i had to a lot to tell him and pictures to show him, etc. im kinda intent on getting through a little of the movie tomorrow. i kind of want him to court me, like he did the first night.. when we sat on the couch with some space between us, and he gradually moved over, and his hand found mine.... and his fingers and my fingers danced around before finally settling into the grooves of each others knuckles and holding hands for the first time.. that was so intense, almost as intense as our first kiss. if we settle into laying together mode we wont get passed 20 minutes. last time he was here, we immediately went to my bed bc we were supposed to nap, and we laid facing each other for like 15-20 mins tops before his lips were brushing against mine, and my heart was skipping. i always feel like im going to burst the first time we kiss, bc its always so apprehensive and nervous and insecure. its so cute. part of me is seriously hoping that tomorrow and wednesday will be the time he finally falls for me, irrevocably, and wants to leave laura forever. its not going to happen. as much as i wish it, i know that it will be another time that we have a passionate bunch of hours filled with good conversation and good cuddling, but i still wont be enough. wednesday and thursday will pass with me all smiles, but friday will come, and i will feel hurt and used and broken. see, the thing is, that i realize this, as i do EVERY SINGLE TIME im about to see him, but i cant stop it, i cant say no, i cant decline to see him, bc for those hours we are together i will feel happy, euphoric, elated.. i keep thinking that our sleepover will show him what it would be like if we lived together and make him see that im the one he wants. he keeps saying that hes going to be over all the time when i move home, bc he wont lose 2 hours driving to see me. i dont know though. that cannot cannot cannot keep happening if hes trying to work things out with laura. i mean, i realize that right now i am playing the role of fill-in girl, the role i play so well. "hi, my name is gille, and i ease loneliness. nice to meet you." grr. but hey, im bringing it on myself, i know im not his priority but right now i feel so wanted and so needed that there is no way i could handle not seeing him. he better not cancel.
ugh. my belly is still feeling a little fucked, which i am firmly against. i wish i could be painfree for a day. its almost 4 am, and im really tired, but im waiting to see if i hear back from twon before i go. i think ill take the robitussin now, that way i can go to sleep peacefull by like 5. i have to do laundry tomorrow bc before, mike came over with his friend shane and we went to kellogg's, and i dropped a forkful of sour cream on my shorts. they are what i am wearing tomorrow, so i have to wash them. i also want to wash my jeans. and my uniform. and i guess it would be beneficial to have clean socks. if i get up at 2, i can be at the laundromat by 230. wash takes till ike 310, dry till 4. i figure i can shower after, and be ready to leave here at like 6. i think ill go to chevys first, get my schedule, and then head down to the knitting factory. that way, i can just take the G to the E to 42nd St, then walk over to 7th for the N/R to Canal. and i should be there by like 7 or 715 in that case. so yay for me. hehe like my color coded subway references? hehehe. if the boy isnt getting here till like 11, i can prob take the subway home. i dunno though, cos waiting for the G at like 1030 could take up to 25 minutes, and that would set me back mucho. and id be underground and unable to make communications that i was running late. which is *never* good. i could see there being bad things, like him turning around and going home, if he was texting me that he was here and not getting any response. he would eventually call me bc sometimes he texts and i dont get them. but he would just get my voicemail. bad. i could also wait for the bus, or walk from Bedford Ave. or make him come get me if hes already here. hm. not in the city, of course, but on Bedford. but then i would prob have to explain why i dont have my work materials on me.. which would be bad, since im lying to everyone about tomorrow.
woo. im sooo bored. bored bored bored bored. im prety much out of my robitussin pm. i dont plan on taking it tomorrow, bc i dont wanna be cranky or groggy when i wake up. so ill have to get more if im still coughing/stuffy this week.. i got regular daytime formula robitussin (which tastes *way* worse than the nighttime!) today, and it helped a little. i think my symptoms are going away on their own. its been like a week now that ive been sick. i started feeling like crap last sunday, my lungs felt all gross ("like ive been abusing them" was the post), and it developed into this awfulness like monday/tuesday. it was intense tues-fri, and began to ebb on saturday. now im trying to ride out the final waves back to my usual healthy self.
blah blah blah gille. im going to bed. im going to listen to the old, acoustic "hands down" first and feel the intensity of everything that is about to come! gooooodnight!!
dashboard confessional.
oooh my favorite song ever ever ever. ooooh. ok, well "black" is really my favorite song of all time, and its probably tied with "disintergration," but "hands down" gets closer and closer to making it a three-way-tie all the time. it applies to me right now bc all i can think about is the enigma, and how badly i wanna see him, and how excited i am to be able to hug him tomorrow! he was talking about it tonight! YAY! so i feel more secure. lets see, he said.. "well i cant wait till tomorrow" and "i wish it was tomorrow already. i was thinking of stopping by tonight but i didnt hear from you so i went home" and "i cant wait to be with you." so i feel like he will not fail me this time. i talked to twon via email, and he said that they play at 830, and will probably play till 10. that is bad, bc i have to be here for the boyyyyy!! but i cant tell twon im ducking out to go see the enigma. no one approves of our love. hahaha. our love. imagine? anyway. he said they might play till 1030, and i said in that case i might have to leave a little early. i told the boy that i would be home around 930. i suppose if i leave at 10 and i take a taxi i can be home by like.. 1015? i dunno i think i will tell him to text me when he is leaving his place. that way i can plan leaving accordingly. he has a history of not getting here till 11 or 12 on nights he plans to spend the night, however, so it is entirely possible that he wont get here till late anyway, and i will be fine to get home in time for the boy. i can just shower when he gets here *evil grin*
eeep!! eeep!!! im so excited for tomorrow! i cant wait, im gonna give him a GREAT BIG HUG and a kiss on the cheek and i am gonna grab his hands and lead him up the stairs and get into my pj shorts and come lay on the couch and watch whatever movie he is bringing (i think its jeepers creepers, which i have no idea what its about) and try to hold out. the last movie we got through was wrong turn, starring eliza dushku. the last movie we rented together was school of rock. i took nothing away from that movie. nor did i take anything away from the movie we rented before that, which was 28 days later.
i really love how my 20oz coke bottle says "NO REFILL" on the side. did they have *that* much of a problem with people coming to coke factories, demanding a refill since the bottle didnt state it was non-refillabl? also, today i have been refilling my 20oz bottle with the contents of a 1 liter bottle of coke. the reason for this is that they were out of cokes at the bodega, and i refuse to pay more than $1 for my habit, so i got the liter bottles and im pouring it into the smaller bottle. that way it stays colder longer. since it takes me forfuckingever to drink anything. so, is that, like illegal? am i breakin the law? i hope so.
getting back to the boy.. oh my oh my oh my. i cannot wait. i know things are going to move really fast, but, in a way, they have to. there is going to be soooo much sexual tension when he gets here that conversation will be awkward. this is what always happens. he fidgets a lot, and makes noises and giggles and looks away from me a lot and smiles silly like a little kid. and i giggle, and i bury my face in his chest, or i whisper things to him and we both want each other so bad that we have to hook up and get it out of the way before we can relax and catch up, and he can tell me about tour.. cos i never talk. he talks a lot. which is funny bc he is really shy and generally not a people person, but he talks and talks, and tells me silly stories about the band and the road and blah blah. and i cuddle him while he talks. sometimes i talk about school, or moving home, or the workplace. last time i had to a lot to tell him and pictures to show him, etc. im kinda intent on getting through a little of the movie tomorrow. i kind of want him to court me, like he did the first night.. when we sat on the couch with some space between us, and he gradually moved over, and his hand found mine.... and his fingers and my fingers danced around before finally settling into the grooves of each others knuckles and holding hands for the first time.. that was so intense, almost as intense as our first kiss. if we settle into laying together mode we wont get passed 20 minutes. last time he was here, we immediately went to my bed bc we were supposed to nap, and we laid facing each other for like 15-20 mins tops before his lips were brushing against mine, and my heart was skipping. i always feel like im going to burst the first time we kiss, bc its always so apprehensive and nervous and insecure. its so cute. part of me is seriously hoping that tomorrow and wednesday will be the time he finally falls for me, irrevocably, and wants to leave laura forever. its not going to happen. as much as i wish it, i know that it will be another time that we have a passionate bunch of hours filled with good conversation and good cuddling, but i still wont be enough. wednesday and thursday will pass with me all smiles, but friday will come, and i will feel hurt and used and broken. see, the thing is, that i realize this, as i do EVERY SINGLE TIME im about to see him, but i cant stop it, i cant say no, i cant decline to see him, bc for those hours we are together i will feel happy, euphoric, elated.. i keep thinking that our sleepover will show him what it would be like if we lived together and make him see that im the one he wants. he keeps saying that hes going to be over all the time when i move home, bc he wont lose 2 hours driving to see me. i dont know though. that cannot cannot cannot keep happening if hes trying to work things out with laura. i mean, i realize that right now i am playing the role of fill-in girl, the role i play so well. "hi, my name is gille, and i ease loneliness. nice to meet you." grr. but hey, im bringing it on myself, i know im not his priority but right now i feel so wanted and so needed that there is no way i could handle not seeing him. he better not cancel.
ugh. my belly is still feeling a little fucked, which i am firmly against. i wish i could be painfree for a day. its almost 4 am, and im really tired, but im waiting to see if i hear back from twon before i go. i think ill take the robitussin now, that way i can go to sleep peacefull by like 5. i have to do laundry tomorrow bc before, mike came over with his friend shane and we went to kellogg's, and i dropped a forkful of sour cream on my shorts. they are what i am wearing tomorrow, so i have to wash them. i also want to wash my jeans. and my uniform. and i guess it would be beneficial to have clean socks. if i get up at 2, i can be at the laundromat by 230. wash takes till ike 310, dry till 4. i figure i can shower after, and be ready to leave here at like 6. i think ill go to chevys first, get my schedule, and then head down to the knitting factory. that way, i can just take the G to the E to 42nd St, then walk over to 7th for the N/R to Canal. and i should be there by like 7 or 715 in that case. so yay for me. hehe like my color coded subway references? hehehe. if the boy isnt getting here till like 11, i can prob take the subway home. i dunno though, cos waiting for the G at like 1030 could take up to 25 minutes, and that would set me back mucho. and id be underground and unable to make communications that i was running late. which is *never* good. i could see there being bad things, like him turning around and going home, if he was texting me that he was here and not getting any response. he would eventually call me bc sometimes he texts and i dont get them. but he would just get my voicemail. bad. i could also wait for the bus, or walk from Bedford Ave. or make him come get me if hes already here. hm. not in the city, of course, but on Bedford. but then i would prob have to explain why i dont have my work materials on me.. which would be bad, since im lying to everyone about tomorrow.
woo. im sooo bored. bored bored bored bored. im prety much out of my robitussin pm. i dont plan on taking it tomorrow, bc i dont wanna be cranky or groggy when i wake up. so ill have to get more if im still coughing/stuffy this week.. i got regular daytime formula robitussin (which tastes *way* worse than the nighttime!) today, and it helped a little. i think my symptoms are going away on their own. its been like a week now that ive been sick. i started feeling like crap last sunday, my lungs felt all gross ("like ive been abusing them" was the post), and it developed into this awfulness like monday/tuesday. it was intense tues-fri, and began to ebb on saturday. now im trying to ride out the final waves back to my usual healthy self.
blah blah blah gille. im going to bed. im going to listen to the old, acoustic "hands down" first and feel the intensity of everything that is about to come! gooooodnight!!
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