Wednesday, July 21, 2004
*sigh*
he left at 315. that was like 14 hours of together. we went to bed at like 430. woke up around noon. it was fun and it went too fast. we watched some of halloween, made out. sooooo awesome. i looooove making out with that boy. you see, generally i am anti-kissing. it feels too intimate for me, and i usually avoid it. i enjoyed kissing derek, and i enjoy kissing the enigma. woo. so, anyway. that was fun. after we were in bed, we were talking about books.. it was weird. good, but weird. he reads! i didnt know he read. i really didnt peg his as a book boy. but he does, in the van. he just got invisible monsters, which is by the same guy that wrote fight club. and he ordered survivor (also by chuck pa..whatever) on the internet. so i told him about fight club, and how it got robbed from me. i told him about the books id read recently, and he told me about his. he just finished something, but i forget what. i think it might have been say you love satan. i lent him the perks of being a wallflower. he said he heard it was good, and i also said it was good, and he wanted to break up the authors, since all the books he was reading are the fight club guys books. he said i should read say you love satan. perhaps i will go see about getting it. i am almost done with a seperate peace. i havent been reading lately. the thing is, i only have like 20 pages left, and when i finish it, i am left with great expectations or a reattempt to read this side of paradise. anyway, then he was really sleepy, so he fell asleep, and i actually fell asleep pretty quick. i woke up a lot, once at like 9, and then a couple more times i didnt look at the clock. we were cuddling all night long, it was kinda hot in there. i kept waking up and giving him litle kisses and he would smile and giggle. it was adorable. so we woke up and we talked more about tour, and how he thinks he doesnt wanna play anymore, bc he is broke. and he told me how he got offered his job back. he didnt tell them he was leaving to play with the band, he told them he got a new job.. and they offered him a raise and stuff. guess hes a good worker.. we didnt really talk about what he was gonna do, but he did say that this tour wasnt over till like oct 1. soooo.. im assuming perhaps he will try to get it back when he returns? he was telling me he wants to go back to school to get a MA and be a teacher.. he said he wants to go in southern california. i said that he should probably get his degree in the state he wants to work in, and he said yah, he thought about that. i dont know. it was good conversation, but im pretty sure that he wants to be with laura, and he wants me on the side. i do not know how this will work when he gets back and she is living in the city. i mean, i asked him a while ago, in like june, when he first told me she was moving, if he was going to move to the city with her, and he said no. but.. i mean, he also said today that he doesnt really wanna play in a band anymore. then again, when he said that, he mentioned that he'd been thinking about it for like six months. i dont know. i really have a feeling that its all wrong, and that all of my delusions of he and i being destiny are really just crap, and exactly what i called them: delusions. i have a feeling that he would go to lengths for her, even if they have serious problems. he checked his email when he was here, and i saw there was one from her from yesterday. the subject title was "no excuses." that could mean any number of things. it could have been no excuses from him.. it could have been an email saying she had no excuses for not going to the show at cbgb sunday night.. i wanted him to read it so bad, but he didnt. maybe if *she* was strong enough to leave him and move on, then we could be together. but i dont know the situation. i wish i did. but.. i cant really bring it up. im not meant to know. maybe he will tell me one day.
anyway. he left at 315, after we cuddled and showered and cuddled. we got dressed and came out to the living room and he showed me how to play "radio" by alkaline trio. it was cute, we were talking about it, and he like practically threw me out of bed so he could come show me, and teach me something. he always play chords and goes "thats a backup plan song" or he plays "all apologies" and he gets real adorable. i was telling him how i was destined to suck at guitar, and he was like "rome wasnt built in a day." and i was like "no, it was" then one of us brought up caeser, i think it was me.. and he was like "it was raoul who built rome!" and i was like "raoul sounds spanish to me" and he made something ridiculous up. we laughed. i love how he is full of cliches and corny jokes. later, when we were playing guitar, i was like "thats intense." and he goes "like camping." and i sat there confused for a second.. i was like "camping...?" and he goes "what do you go camping in...." and i started laughing hysterically, and i was like "TENTS! and you used that on me once before, and i didnt get it then, either!" and we both laughed.
my eyes are burning me a little. i cant remember if we went to bed at 4 or 5. i know the last time i looked at the clock is was ??:58. i wanna say it was 458, but it might have been 358 and i rounded up to 4 in my head, and thus it sticks with me? i dont know. i figure he got here at 110, we prob moved to my room at like 215, and we didnt talk *that* much about books, so it was probably around 4 or 430 when i fell asleep. so i guess i probably slept 7 hours -ish, but it was fitfully, i woke up and my neck was all in pain cos i was on his arm and shoulder. my neck hurts today. i turned over and he wrapped me in his arms, but that was really warm after a while. it was realllly hot, but it was like neither of us didnt wanna be cuddling. i suppose being tired today will be the price i paid for a night of cuddles. im going to get sad soon. im not sad yet cos i can still smell him on my pillows and i can still kinda taste him, and smell him on me if i think about it, so it doesnt feel final yet. when i was saying goodbye to him at his car, i had the feeling i wouldnt see him again. i dont know though. i mean, he borrowed my book.. but then, when i got this feeling in 97, i didnt have any idea that suzanne would shortly present him with an ultimatum, and he would choose to stay with her and stop hanging out with me. i dont know. i dont want to think about it. i wanna remain in my happy bubble for a little while longer.
um. oooh i got a check from rutgers today for $370.50! i have NO idea what its for. i thought my checks were done. but it has my name on it, and it shall be deposited into my bank account. i am feeling extremely financially secure right now, things seem to be going right, and its kinda freaking me out. i have like 2 weeks left til my interview in northport, and i am feeling good about it. i am going to long island this weekend, and i plan on typing up ome of my lesson plans to bring in, and i suppose i should bring extra copies of my resume. ok. im going to get ready for kimberly and i's outing with weirdos.
xoxo
he left at 315. that was like 14 hours of together. we went to bed at like 430. woke up around noon. it was fun and it went too fast. we watched some of halloween, made out. sooooo awesome. i looooove making out with that boy. you see, generally i am anti-kissing. it feels too intimate for me, and i usually avoid it. i enjoyed kissing derek, and i enjoy kissing the enigma. woo. so, anyway. that was fun. after we were in bed, we were talking about books.. it was weird. good, but weird. he reads! i didnt know he read. i really didnt peg his as a book boy. but he does, in the van. he just got invisible monsters, which is by the same guy that wrote fight club. and he ordered survivor (also by chuck pa..whatever) on the internet. so i told him about fight club, and how it got robbed from me. i told him about the books id read recently, and he told me about his. he just finished something, but i forget what. i think it might have been say you love satan. i lent him the perks of being a wallflower. he said he heard it was good, and i also said it was good, and he wanted to break up the authors, since all the books he was reading are the fight club guys books. he said i should read say you love satan. perhaps i will go see about getting it. i am almost done with a seperate peace. i havent been reading lately. the thing is, i only have like 20 pages left, and when i finish it, i am left with great expectations or a reattempt to read this side of paradise. anyway, then he was really sleepy, so he fell asleep, and i actually fell asleep pretty quick. i woke up a lot, once at like 9, and then a couple more times i didnt look at the clock. we were cuddling all night long, it was kinda hot in there. i kept waking up and giving him litle kisses and he would smile and giggle. it was adorable. so we woke up and we talked more about tour, and how he thinks he doesnt wanna play anymore, bc he is broke. and he told me how he got offered his job back. he didnt tell them he was leaving to play with the band, he told them he got a new job.. and they offered him a raise and stuff. guess hes a good worker.. we didnt really talk about what he was gonna do, but he did say that this tour wasnt over till like oct 1. soooo.. im assuming perhaps he will try to get it back when he returns? he was telling me he wants to go back to school to get a MA and be a teacher.. he said he wants to go in southern california. i said that he should probably get his degree in the state he wants to work in, and he said yah, he thought about that. i dont know. it was good conversation, but im pretty sure that he wants to be with laura, and he wants me on the side. i do not know how this will work when he gets back and she is living in the city. i mean, i asked him a while ago, in like june, when he first told me she was moving, if he was going to move to the city with her, and he said no. but.. i mean, he also said today that he doesnt really wanna play in a band anymore. then again, when he said that, he mentioned that he'd been thinking about it for like six months. i dont know. i really have a feeling that its all wrong, and that all of my delusions of he and i being destiny are really just crap, and exactly what i called them: delusions. i have a feeling that he would go to lengths for her, even if they have serious problems. he checked his email when he was here, and i saw there was one from her from yesterday. the subject title was "no excuses." that could mean any number of things. it could have been no excuses from him.. it could have been an email saying she had no excuses for not going to the show at cbgb sunday night.. i wanted him to read it so bad, but he didnt. maybe if *she* was strong enough to leave him and move on, then we could be together. but i dont know the situation. i wish i did. but.. i cant really bring it up. im not meant to know. maybe he will tell me one day.
anyway. he left at 315, after we cuddled and showered and cuddled. we got dressed and came out to the living room and he showed me how to play "radio" by alkaline trio. it was cute, we were talking about it, and he like practically threw me out of bed so he could come show me, and teach me something. he always play chords and goes "thats a backup plan song" or he plays "all apologies" and he gets real adorable. i was telling him how i was destined to suck at guitar, and he was like "rome wasnt built in a day." and i was like "no, it was" then one of us brought up caeser, i think it was me.. and he was like "it was raoul who built rome!" and i was like "raoul sounds spanish to me" and he made something ridiculous up. we laughed. i love how he is full of cliches and corny jokes. later, when we were playing guitar, i was like "thats intense." and he goes "like camping." and i sat there confused for a second.. i was like "camping...?" and he goes "what do you go camping in...." and i started laughing hysterically, and i was like "TENTS! and you used that on me once before, and i didnt get it then, either!" and we both laughed.
my eyes are burning me a little. i cant remember if we went to bed at 4 or 5. i know the last time i looked at the clock is was ??:58. i wanna say it was 458, but it might have been 358 and i rounded up to 4 in my head, and thus it sticks with me? i dont know. i figure he got here at 110, we prob moved to my room at like 215, and we didnt talk *that* much about books, so it was probably around 4 or 430 when i fell asleep. so i guess i probably slept 7 hours -ish, but it was fitfully, i woke up and my neck was all in pain cos i was on his arm and shoulder. my neck hurts today. i turned over and he wrapped me in his arms, but that was really warm after a while. it was realllly hot, but it was like neither of us didnt wanna be cuddling. i suppose being tired today will be the price i paid for a night of cuddles. im going to get sad soon. im not sad yet cos i can still smell him on my pillows and i can still kinda taste him, and smell him on me if i think about it, so it doesnt feel final yet. when i was saying goodbye to him at his car, i had the feeling i wouldnt see him again. i dont know though. i mean, he borrowed my book.. but then, when i got this feeling in 97, i didnt have any idea that suzanne would shortly present him with an ultimatum, and he would choose to stay with her and stop hanging out with me. i dont know. i dont want to think about it. i wanna remain in my happy bubble for a little while longer.
um. oooh i got a check from rutgers today for $370.50! i have NO idea what its for. i thought my checks were done. but it has my name on it, and it shall be deposited into my bank account. i am feeling extremely financially secure right now, things seem to be going right, and its kinda freaking me out. i have like 2 weeks left til my interview in northport, and i am feeling good about it. i am going to long island this weekend, and i plan on typing up ome of my lesson plans to bring in, and i suppose i should bring extra copies of my resume. ok. im going to get ready for kimberly and i's outing with weirdos.
xoxo
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