is it too late to heal?

*youve been asking me to bleed. it seems these kinds of questions, they come to easy to you now, and yr lack of shame comes naturally, i should not be surprised, i should have seen it sooner.*

*the frightening facts we've been facing our backs to for so long now are begging for lies to bear witness to lies and indifference. now we're saying aloud the things we've declared in our silence. that new coats of paint will not reaquaint broken hearts to broken homes.. broken homes.*
 
*dont you see what this takes of me?*
dashboard confessional
 
so. here i am. did you miss me, at&t bell laboratories? or any of you other random IP addresses i find in my blog register. im listening to the swiss army romance. i have been all day. i finally gave up on brand new. i think i listened to deja entendu for like 3 weeks straight. on the lirr saturday i switced to cusrive's storms of early summer. i listened to it for a day, and i put it in the regular cd player when i got home yesterday, but today i opted to go for dashboard. i have been neglecting my true love for a while.

well yah, so i was MIA for three days, eh? or two. well i think the last post i had was friday night/saturday morning. its now monday night. saturday i worked. it was lame, if i recall, not very busy, not very much money. i said i needed to make $100, and i made $90, which just isnt good enough. i came home, packed, and went to the lirr. got to li.. hung out with mom. she did puzzle books while i read invisible monsters. and yoda laid on my legs which was comfy. gille hearts kitties! especially yoda the baby kitty! YAY. um, yah, so then jay came over and i got up and went to my room, where i continued readong for a while. then sleeeeep. i went to bed early, at like 1am. got up at noonish, showered, and continued reading. i finished the book, and i highly recommend you read it. ok? it was fucking good, and it was a page turner, i read all 297 pages in like 3 days. i could not put it down unless i had to work or i knew i should be sleeping. seriously, every page had a new surprise, and everyone should have that experience. so whatever, then everyone was showered and dressed, and we went to my aunt's graduation party. ate food, mingled with my dad. played with the baby. he is walking now, and he like ran across the floor it was hilarious. then he fell, and what he does is, he gets into crawl position and he wiggles his butt for a minute. then i put my hands down and he used them to stand back up and i picked him up and carried him over to my cousin, his mother.

after the party yesterday i went home and changed, then i went over to my dads house. he showed me around his new camper, and he was so adorable, showing me how the a/c worked, and the stereo and all the storage and you would just have to know my dad to understand how silly he is. we looked at my stocks bc we wanted to see how little money i have in my account in case i need it if i dont get a job. its only like one months rent, though, which is not going to help. at all. after that we looked through his cassettes and had some ice cream. then i left, went back to my moms and printed out some cover letters for resumes. my brother took me to the 1043 train, which i took to mineola. michael picked me up there, and we went to his diner around the train station. and they didnt have cheddar cheese! WHATEVER. so i got an english muffin. then we came here. it took forever to find parking, and we finally parked on the alternate side side, so we had to move the car at 830. ok, so we come in the apartment and we decide we are going to watch A&E biography's 100 most influencial people of the past 100 years thing i have on video and stay up till its time to move the car. we also picked our top 25. we both had 14 on the list. woo. 11 wrong each haha. but 1000 years is a long time, and the world is big, so it wasnt as easy as you would think. anyway so it was 8 then, so we went to move the car. we decided to go to the bagel store in williamsburg first. ate bagels, then it took us AN HOUR to find a spot we could park while the street sweeper rules were in effect. finally went to bed at like 10am. grr.

today i got up at 4. i got dressed and talked to twon, who i met in union square at 620. we had dinner at the gramercy cafe (cafe = diner lol), then we went to union square park for a while and talked. after that we went to toys r us, i got crayons and two coloring books. then to barnes & noble. i got six books, and they are:

•  crime and punishment by fyodor dostoyevsky
• the mothman prophecies by john a. keel
• ghostly encounters: true stories of america's inns and hotels by frances kermeen
• and then there were none by agatha christie
• fear and loathing in las vegas by hunter s. thompson
• journel of the dead by jason kersten

i figured i should read crime and punishment, seeing as its like a super classic. its 536 pages, though, which by default moves it to the bottom of the order on which i will read them. mothman is like 271 pages or something, and i thin it will be easy, but i will probably be even more scared of west viriginia after reading it. im not sure where it fits in to the order just yet. ghostly encounters sounds like a good time, but its technically non-fiction, which is a little harder for me to get into, and therefore will probably get read right before crime and punishment.  um, i have wanted to read fear and loathing for a long time now, but it is not a proriety. also up in the air for the order it will be placed. now, the ones im really psyched for: the christie and the kersten. i think i might have read and then there were none when i was younger. for some reason it is ringing a bell. however, i think i am wrong, and am thinking of something else. journel of the dead is a true crime book. its about these kids that went to drive cross country in 1999, and they went to camp overnight in the desert, but they got lost and one of them killed the other. they were supposedly best friends, and so its like figuring out why he killed the kid. twon picked it out and told me to read the back, so i did and i think i will read that after i finish what i am reading now (survivor by chuck palahniuk). twon got some books too, one of them was the necronomicon, the book of the dead or something. its interesting. i want to read it. he also got a history of the devil. hopefully i will read those both before i move, bc i would like to, but eh. perhaps i will just buy them. not like i should be reading a text like the necronomicon on the subway, you know?

so after that, we went to virgin bc twon wanted to get a video game. he also bought requium for a dream, the book, whilst we were there. then he went to work and i came home. i talked to candace for a little, and ive been on aol since.. at like 12. eh. 4 hours. boring. i did two crosswords.

sooooooo.. the enigma. still havent been getting usual messages from him at all. he has a myspace profile now, and i looked at it. its practically empty, but he updated it two days ago, and it says "single" in his status. whatever. so um, yah. i was texting with him yesterday, and i asked how was his weekend and he didnt respond. so like 4 hours later i was like "well hope you get the van fixed" and he said it was broke down and they werent gonna make it to ct. booohoooo. yah, so i was like "what is wrong?" and no response. havent heard from him since. last night when mike and i got back here at like 1am he was online. till like 430. he did not im me at all. whatever. i talked to twon about this for a while before, and i was saying that i need for him to walk out of my life. him like the enigma, not him like twon. because the thing is, i would LOVE to make an ultimatum, for him to have to choose all or nothing, bc seriously, we are past the point of friends. we held back from temptation for 4 months in 97, and then for 7 more when we became friends again.. but once that was breeched, its like we KNOW how good the lovin is, and niether of us can control ourselves. we have both said SO many times that we should be just friends, but we cant hang out without hooking up. therefore, we cant be just friends. and if he cant give himself to me in more than just a physical way, i need to walk away and i need to move on. but the thing is, if he chose nothing (which i think there is at least a 50% chance he would) i am not sure, in fact, im pretty sure i couldnt, uphold the threat. i think i would be sad or mad or whatever and then he would message me and i would cave and i would be right back where i am now, seeing as i told him i needed time once before and the amount of time he could live without texting me was but eight days. so i dont know. im just going to unhinge myself from it a little. you know. im not texting him. they played brooklyn tonight according to the webpage. thats like my neighborhood. thanks, asshole. he always does this, he always acts like he misses me, he cant wait to see me, he says all these things about how amazing i am, and how bad he wants me, and how much fun i am and blah blah blah blah blah, and then he sees me and he detaches for a week or two or three. so fine. detach. ill be here, you fuck, you KNOW that, and exploit it. but maybe i wont.

maybe ill be gone.