is it too late to heal?

im sort of freaking out. im feeling vaguely UTIish again. this has never happened with him before. is there something wrong with me? im feeling feverish, and a little discomfort. i dont know how it could have happened. im hoping that its just discomfort related to the fact that im supposed to get my period any minute now, or maybe related to the fact that i hadnt hooked up in a while.. but if i have to go back to the ryan center, i will cry. especially because i cannot wait till monday if i have a uti. its friday. im not going tomorrow bc this happened once before, where i had weird discomfort one day, but the next day i was totally fine and i went to the health care unit at pace and they said i was fine and it was a waste of $35. i dont know what to do. i suppose if i am at home, my mom can tell me what to do, but she is going to atlanta sunday morning, and i dont want to bother her. i cant afford to go to the emergency room, and i really cant afford a perscription right now, unless its at the ryan center, since perscriptions are only $5. seriously, i have no idea whats going on with my body. sometimes im fine. like walking home from the diner and at the diner i was totally ok. i got home and i was fine, i peed and it was normal and then i just went again, and it was the normal amount, but there was a slight burning and now im feeling like i kinda have to pee, but its not urgent like a uti. its just bothersome. part of me wants to go ahead and take a uristat so im sure to not feel like i have to pee during the night, but the other, bigger, part of me is like.. no way, dont take it till you know there is something up.. cos im afriad ill take it, and it will mask the symptoms so i wont know if something is wrong or not. now that i know people read this crap i feel more hesitant to write about this, but fuck it, this is for me, and if you are grossed out, then you can stop reading. or scroll down some. but anyway. its just really upsetting me mentally, more than the fact that i have to go back to the doctor.. there has got to be something wrong with me if i have another infection. i thought it was just chris, but.. i mean, the problem never happened with *anyone* i was ever with except ONE guy, and then chris. and its not like this time was a new partner, its someone ive been regularly hooking up with for a year and a half. i have been doing nothing different, i dont see how i would siddenly be dirty these past two months, and besides, if it were that i was unclean, i think i would be coming down with uti's when i wasnt getting any as well as when i was. clearly, not the case. i was careful, i peed after like im supposed to.. but there have been sooo many times in my life when i didnt even bother to pee after and i was fine! what the fuck is wrong with me? why is this happening? is this some stupid way of making me stay away from sexual relationships with men? and then sometimes there is a random shooting pain. like just a second ago. and its still kind of reverberating. but then it will subside.. i dont know what to do. my mom will tell me to drink cranberry extract, but i dont think thats a real cure. i think i need to get antibiotics. my body is going to go into cipro shock. i really want to talk to someone about this right now. part of me wants to stay up till candace wakes up and talk to her. but thats unrealistic. its 420 in the morning. i would have to commit to at least 3 more hours of this nonsense if i did that. i could try kim, but i dont think that would do much. she is probably asleep. i could call my mom, but that would be stupid, since what if im fine? i dont need to be waking up my mom and making her tired when shes already worn out and stressed from her job and the tests she has to take for the new drugs she has to represent and all this.. i cant call antonia, bc that would be weird, i havent spoken to her in a month, and to call her at 430 in the morning would be rude. i could call mike, im sure he would talk to me, but i dont know.. i feel like this is all so senseless, and that i should just take a cranberry pill or like 4 and hope for the best. hmm.. a cranberry pill... ok, well the bottle said to take 2-6 daily with meals. i ate oh, 3 hours ago. 3.5 maybe. oops. and i took 4. it says it helps block the attachment of bacteria to the bladder walls. so. let us see. maybe im only feeling slightly uncomfortable bc there is baceria *near* there, and these pills will knock those fuckers right out. that would be soo nice. seriously, all i want to do right now is cry. i dont want to look this over for typos, i dont want to go to bed, i dont want to start reading invisible monsters. i want to go to therapy, and i want to cry. i want to go to see jenn, and tell her that there must be something wrong with me, both mentally and physically, and that i keep getting sick and there must be something wrong, and what if i have some weird disease, and i cant have babies? or what if there is something wrong with me, so that i will have to worry about uti's all the time for the rest of my fucking life? and isnt there something wrong with my head? because im so fucking attached to this boy that i cant let go or move on or think about anything else for more than 5 seconds? there has to be something wrong with me. im a failure, im a fuck-up, my body is rejecting sex and its rejecting me, and it wants me to die, die, die. and my head wants me to hurt. can you overdose on cranberry pills? what if i took like 4 more? would that be ok? i looked on webmd last time i had a uti, and it said the only way to cure them is antibiotics. and i think i said, right in this very blog, that i thought that was silly, since what did people do before cipro? did people DIE of urinary tract infections? i dont think so. did they live in CONSTANT pain, feeling like they had to pee all the time? and fuck, people were WAY dirtier then than they are now. im pretty sure that sex didnt only take place after bathing. maybe its fucking summertime. cos you know, it was warm out when i got this shit from chris, and it was VERY warm in my room the other night.. and also, the two times i got uti's in college, i think it was summer.. the second time, the reallllllly bad one, was during summer session. i remember bc i was staying in nicks room, and i couldnt sleep cos i was hot then i was cold and i was freezing and sweating and i couldnt lay down for more than like 5 seconds without feeling like i had to pee.. and i was crying bc i felt so bad and nick wouldnt take me to the hospital, i had to go alone. because he was the meanest boy in the entire world. but anyway. that was summer. and im pretty sure my first one came right around that time,  maybe a month before. see, i think way too much. but the good thing is that i just noticed i wasnt feeling at all uncomfortable. and then i started thinking about it and im starting to feel weird, but then it might just be psychological. i swear i do a lot of things to myself, mentally. did i SAY how badly i cannot wait for therapy? it feels like forever away, im so anxious.. friday, saturday, sunday, monday.. i have to get through four more days and one night. tuesday at noon.. why the hell do psychologists have to go on vacation? shes in martha's vineyard, and i am here, and i NEED her. i fucking need her, what the hell. what am i goint o do without her? how am i going to do this moving thing? i have a relationship with her! i have been seeing this woman weekly for two years. TWO YEARS! she is the only stable thing in my life, everything else is a whirl of crap, kind of like in carrie pilby. jenn is like the only person i talk to about everything all the time. i mean, candace is stable too, but.. its different. there are some things i cant say to candace, and i mean, there are also a lot of things i can say to candace that i cant say to jenn.. but its equal, in a way, and i need them both, and im leaving them both. its different with candace, cos we have a pact to see each other *at least* every other weekend, and we will call each other and email and all that jazz, of this i am sure. but.. when i go, my relationhsip with jenn ends. you dont just casually call yr ex-therapist to talk.. you have to get a new one and forget the old one. you have to forge a whole new relationship, you have to re-explain yr past and yr present, and you have to be re-evaluated. i tried to convince her to let me come in on saturdays, but she said no. fucker. i need this. i needed it this week, i needed it today. i need to talk about the boy and the damage he has done on my mind, and this feeling, this unending feeling that he is gone! but he isnt. not yet. not yet, not yet, not yet only means n-o-t-y-e-t. it doesnt mean not ever. its going to shatter me. this is way longer than the 3.5 months he had me mesmorized in 1997. this is a year and a half, this is march 27, 2003 to present. and this is so much deeper, this is somewhat meaningful, and its physical, and its exhausting. in 97, it wasnt exhausting. it was doomed, yes, but i somehow pulled through it. and i was so sad for a few days, but i got over it, and i kept meeting new guys. and i had more strength, and when he paged me that he missed me, i laughed. i didnt call back. i didnt care, i was hurt, and i wasnt looking back. i dont think he could do it again, i dont. i dont think he could. is it because i keep telling myself that? i try to rationalize, and i think back to the text messages of two weeks ago, or three weeks, or whenever it was that he made me cry at work and i hated myself so much i wanted to die.. he seemed so upset when he was messaging me, he seemed genuinely unhappy that i was miserable, and he said that he still thought about me all the time, even when i hated him.. and i think he walked out bc he thought i hated him, not because he wanted to.. and not because suzanne wanted him to. i think he was scared. and i think thats why im so afraid to stand up to him again, im so afraid to lose him from my life, because for those brief moments we are together, im fine. and im better than fine, in reality, when he's here. im alive, and im happy, and i want nothing but to feel him near me. when he came up here tuesday night, i gave him a huge hug and we came in to my apartment, and we were looking at movies and he was running his nose on my neck and it gave me shivers, it made me feel so good and he lightly scratched my back.. and we sat down to watch the movie and he put his arm around me, and it was so nice and so right, and it would have stayed like that all night. ALL NIGHT! i wish it had. but things move so quickly. i wish i could just cuddle up to him and watch a movie and laugh or be scared or whatever the movie makes me do.. and waking up with him was amazing, but i was a little let down when he didnt smile as much as i thought he would to be waking up with me. maybe he was wishing i was laura. oh my god, what if he was? lets not think about that, ok. he would smile and giggle when i gave him all those tiny kisses, and i liked that. and i loved how when i changed positions in bed, he still cuddled me.. and why cant this be more often? why cant this be all the time? last week he was talking about how we should live together, and he was talking about how we could be in vegas getting married, and i know he was joking around with me, but every joke has a kernel of truth, and thats all i need. you fucking give me an inch and i take a mile. dont you know that about me? he should fucking know that this erratic behavior freaks me the fuck out. i hate when he doesnt see me for a few weeks and he gets all cute and misses me and says all the things i wanna hear, but then when he leaves, he gets distant, and he doesnt stay in touch as well, and he is less responsive. i feel like the roles switch, that he chases me when he needs me, and i chase him after he has had me. i keep starting to cry as i type this. my chest will heave for a second, and my face will scrunch up, you know, and then its gone, like i have no more tears to cry, and im sure thats crap, bc i could cry forever.

the post date for this shit is 401am. it is now 506 on my computer clock. which is fast. its really.. 502am. kind of intense. i have just self loathed for an hour. i have just eaten away an hour of my life. 60 minutes of my stupid, meaningless life has passed, gone forever, and this SHIT is all i have to show for it. i wonder how many minutes of my life i have wasted writing in here. i wonder how many minutes of my life i have wasted being asleep, or feeling sorry for myself, or BEING IN LOVE WITH A BOY WHO IS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME.

but all the minutes are wasted. its stupid and pointless, and when im dead ill be dead, and i wont affect anything or anyone and i will just be dead, and all this struggling, it will amount to nothing but the past of someone who mattered not to anyone or anything. i will not impact the world. i will never make a difference in anyone's life, i am no ones soulmate. i simply am. and i will simply cease to be when my alloted time wasting has come to an end. its not fair. like why the fuck did humans have to evolve so far if they die anyway? whats it to be dead? was there a heaven when there were neanderthals? did they go to heaven or hell? you know, i just feel like this question is unanswerable, and i think therefore, its fucked up and crazy. how can you prove that some mythical place exists when there is not proof, and when is history doesnt go back further than 2000 years? especially since, you know, evolution pretty much rules out adam and eve and the garden of eden. you understand. are there presently neanderthals in heaven? candace thinks that this life is purgatory. i can see her point. but still. some people have it so easy. are they better souls than me? am i fucked up? does my soul deserve to twist in anguish for the rest of my stupid life? and then, i guess i will go to hell when i die if it exists. since i have not lived a very good christian life, seeing as i cannot understand how one could live their life according to these bizarre principles without the gaurentee of something better in death. like calvinists. and the fact that they dont wear yellow. um, just cos you didnt wear loud colors and you didnt drink and you didnt dance doesnt guarentee that you get to go to heaven for being good. so what if there is no heaven? then you went through yr stupid meaningless existence, and you didnt even have fun while doing it. fuck that. not that im having fun, but hey. im fucking lazy as all hell (sloth), i do not know when to say when (gluttony), fury raises within me when i think of this girl i have never met who makes the boy i want to be with want to be with her (envy).. must i go on? and i curse all the time, i take the lords name in vain more often that i should, i dont go to church, i drink intoxicating liquors from time to time, and i engage in the art of smoking daily. lots. i cant see why i wouldnt be headed straight for hell, oh, except that im a good fucking person with a really kind heart and i am totally selfless, so much that i destroy myself to uphold silly games and the pleasures of others. (its only 48 degrees in slt-ste-marie or whatever that place in nothern michigan or minnesota or wherever is. i wish i was there.) so yah. i think that my goodness, and my honesty should be the only things that matter.

ugh. its supposed to rain every day for the whole rest of the five day forecast on nbc. what the hell? that sucks. its going to be in the mid 70s with showers and thunderstorms EVERY SINGLE DAY. i cant handle that. really. i cant. i am anti-umbrella. i am anti-rain. i am also *very* anti-humidity, which goes right along with rain. and i feel like it was just last week when candace and i were discussing how mild it has been, and how it hasnt been too humid.. and last night, kim and i were talking about how it hasnt gotten killer hot yet.. i just took two more cranberry pills. im actually feeling fine right now. im afriad to pee before bed, im scared that it will undo all the good i have done to my bladder by sitting here, swallowing cranberry pills and not having to pee. its been an hour and a half. i think i could go to bed without peeing first, but then again, i dont know, because its so routine, and i am so OCD that i think i would lay in my bed feeling like i forgot to do something until i got up and peed to put my mind at rest. but then i would risk having the pain again. so its lose-lose. just like the possible outcomes of most things in my life.

it is now (acurately) 525 am. thats 23 more minutes wasted. woo. lou is online. i could im him. he is on tour with midtown. as always. hes like their roadie or something i guess.

i kind of want to take some robitussin and go to bed. what if it interacts badly with the cranberry already being ingested in excess by me? seeing as ive taken 6 in an hour. and im pretty sure the "2-6" directive means 2 if you only take them at dinner, 6 is you take them with all yr meals. seriously though, i think if it was dangerous, a) the bottle would be labelled as such; b) there would be directions on what to do in case of accidental cranberry overdose; c) it would be like having it be possible to overdose on cranberry juice; and d) no one has ever fucking died of cranberry overdose, to my knowledge. why am i so fucking nuerotic?

i might actually be tired right now. im gonna make an effort at sleepy night night...