Friday, July 30, 2004
*but did you wanna listen.. you took the world with you.. so what is left, so what is left for me? i try so hard to figure out why no explanation keeps me waiting lets try because i know you won't forget i know even if the story is over, i know, its over, i know its over, its over.. but did you wanna listen.. you took the world with you.. so what is left for me.. what is left for me, what's left for me?*
finch
im listening to finch (obviously). i dont know why. all the songs sound the same. like all-american rejects. one song is good, but if you listen to the whole cd, you forget there are different songs and it gets annoying. they all bleed together. bleh. plus the lyrics just arent *that* good.. i mean. some are, like the ones up there, but they are kind of mediocre. i like the way they are sung much better than the way they appear written. the italics is yelling. good times.
no one is online. im bored.
well.. lets see. i finished survivor last night, it was really good, but the end was very open. it was way intense, i couldnt stop reading it, and by the end i would look at the page number i was on and be shocked id just read 30 pages without even noticing that any time at all had passed. the fact that i have taken the subway both to and from work all three days so far this week has added to my ability to better read books. all three days i had 25 minutes at least on the stationary G train in court square.
oooh so two nights ago, i was waiting on the E platform, and an A comes.. and the engineer tells me that the E is running on the N/R line and i have to walk over to times square. i didnt *ask* he just leans out his window and says this to me. so i was all boo, and i started walking over there, and an E comes. and runs on the E line. i was on the above level, and i had to like RUN down the handicap ramp to make the train, since it goes in spiral and takes forfuckingever to get down there. i was like "motherfucker." he almost made me walk underground miles to the other side.. i mean, id have walked from 44th and 8th over to 42nd and broadway in the stuffy tunnels. i would have gotten there, and found no E trains, and i would have been very upset.
anyway. so i finished survivor, but i wasnt sleepy, so i started reading my agatha christie, and then there were none. i think i have like 100 pages left, and seeing as michael has abandoned talking to me on AIM at night, i think ill finish tonight. then i can start journal of the dead, which im psyched for.
i talked to the enigma on AIM yesterday. it was lame. we talked about books, i said id finished invisible monsters, and that i was about to finish survivor, and he said he was just starting invisible monsters bc of all the van drama.. and he told me to tell him about journal of the dead when i finish it. the conversation was dull, as usual. nothing risque, nothing dirty. so i said i was going to bed, and i was like "have good dreams *wink*" and he was like "ha, you too" so i said "haha, i guess yr not into dirty dreams anymore" and he said thats what he was hinting at, like i was. so i said i wasnt used to him being so subtle, and he fired back something dirty, but it felt insincere, like he felt he had to since his attraction to me was in question. or being questioned. in some roundabout way. so im just letting go for now. i cant say im letting go for good, cos every time i say that i digress and fall in love all over again. im just not gonna message him. he can say something when he misses me. or when he sees a girl that looks like me at a show. every day it gets easier to not message. im starting not to care. im kind of tired of everything. i have no more energy. i cant fight for him, its a losing battle. he was worth the fight for a long time, but now it seems like its a lost battle, and there is nothing left for me to do. he's made up his mind, even if he isnt sure yet. im sure he's sure. i think that the timing excuse is just that.. an excuse. i think its convenient for him to say if we had better timing we could be together. but if he really cared about me, he would find a way. which he hasnt. ive given him TWO YEARS to fall in love with me. he hasnt. its time to go, gille. its time to pack away the feelings, and move on with yr life. forget moving back to long island, thats not going to change anything. it will just make you a more convenient lay. if i can break the cycle before i get there, the convenience will be lost. he hasnt proven himself to me. he hasnt proven that he isnt going to break my heart like he did in 97. in fact, he has proven that he will break it again and again until i get smart enough to move on and forget that he makes me feel like he does.
you know. i was watching who wants to marry my dad a few weeks ago, like last monday or something i forget. anyway. and now its down to two women, and the daughters have to choose one. and from what i gather, he has feelings for both women, but stronger feelings for the brunette. but the both women have feelings for the dad.. so someone is getting their heart broken monday. i think it will be the blonde. i will feel bad for her. i will know how she feels when the daughters select the other woman, and how let down she will feel, especially seeing as she must know in her heart that the dad would rather be with the brunette.
but you know, when they say things, they dont mean them. they being men. cos, i mean, the enigma, he said all this crap about how he thinks he would be happier with me, and how he wakes up wishing she were me and blah blah blah, but it means nothing and its all lies.
my away message today and yesterday was "the truth would hurt less than the thousands of lies that keep me here.." but i dont know if he saw.
ooooh so dashboards supposed to be on the leno repeat tomorrow. woo. too bad its friday. i will try my best to be home by 230. i will probably cab it.
and i have cure tickets for saturday! saturday! and the rain forecast has gone! now it says mostly cloudy! cloudy i can do! YAY! YAY!
ugh i have to do laundry tomorrow. i woke up this morning (afternoon) at 1, and i was like "ok, laundry" and then seconds later i was like "ok sleep." and i slept. till 330. then i had to get up and dressed for work. i think thats why i was so despondant at work, i was sleepy and bored, and i wanted to be in bed still. so hopefully getting up at 1 tomorrow will help me. i will go wash clothes, and then come home, shower, and get ready for work. but ill be up watching tv, and therefore i will be more alert once i get to the workplace. maybe ill even leave a little early so as i can eat a meal when i get there. i had a chewy sundae tonight. mm. i only ate like 1/3 of it, though, and then i let lee and christine eat the rest. i was full.
ooook. im saying nothing of importance. i will turn to agatha to assuage the painfulness of the loneliness im feeling right now.
finch
im listening to finch (obviously). i dont know why. all the songs sound the same. like all-american rejects. one song is good, but if you listen to the whole cd, you forget there are different songs and it gets annoying. they all bleed together. bleh. plus the lyrics just arent *that* good.. i mean. some are, like the ones up there, but they are kind of mediocre. i like the way they are sung much better than the way they appear written. the italics is yelling. good times.
no one is online. im bored.
well.. lets see. i finished survivor last night, it was really good, but the end was very open. it was way intense, i couldnt stop reading it, and by the end i would look at the page number i was on and be shocked id just read 30 pages without even noticing that any time at all had passed. the fact that i have taken the subway both to and from work all three days so far this week has added to my ability to better read books. all three days i had 25 minutes at least on the stationary G train in court square.
oooh so two nights ago, i was waiting on the E platform, and an A comes.. and the engineer tells me that the E is running on the N/R line and i have to walk over to times square. i didnt *ask* he just leans out his window and says this to me. so i was all boo, and i started walking over there, and an E comes. and runs on the E line. i was on the above level, and i had to like RUN down the handicap ramp to make the train, since it goes in spiral and takes forfuckingever to get down there. i was like "motherfucker." he almost made me walk underground miles to the other side.. i mean, id have walked from 44th and 8th over to 42nd and broadway in the stuffy tunnels. i would have gotten there, and found no E trains, and i would have been very upset.
anyway. so i finished survivor, but i wasnt sleepy, so i started reading my agatha christie, and then there were none. i think i have like 100 pages left, and seeing as michael has abandoned talking to me on AIM at night, i think ill finish tonight. then i can start journal of the dead, which im psyched for.
i talked to the enigma on AIM yesterday. it was lame. we talked about books, i said id finished invisible monsters, and that i was about to finish survivor, and he said he was just starting invisible monsters bc of all the van drama.. and he told me to tell him about journal of the dead when i finish it. the conversation was dull, as usual. nothing risque, nothing dirty. so i said i was going to bed, and i was like "have good dreams *wink*" and he was like "ha, you too" so i said "haha, i guess yr not into dirty dreams anymore" and he said thats what he was hinting at, like i was. so i said i wasnt used to him being so subtle, and he fired back something dirty, but it felt insincere, like he felt he had to since his attraction to me was in question. or being questioned. in some roundabout way. so im just letting go for now. i cant say im letting go for good, cos every time i say that i digress and fall in love all over again. im just not gonna message him. he can say something when he misses me. or when he sees a girl that looks like me at a show. every day it gets easier to not message. im starting not to care. im kind of tired of everything. i have no more energy. i cant fight for him, its a losing battle. he was worth the fight for a long time, but now it seems like its a lost battle, and there is nothing left for me to do. he's made up his mind, even if he isnt sure yet. im sure he's sure. i think that the timing excuse is just that.. an excuse. i think its convenient for him to say if we had better timing we could be together. but if he really cared about me, he would find a way. which he hasnt. ive given him TWO YEARS to fall in love with me. he hasnt. its time to go, gille. its time to pack away the feelings, and move on with yr life. forget moving back to long island, thats not going to change anything. it will just make you a more convenient lay. if i can break the cycle before i get there, the convenience will be lost. he hasnt proven himself to me. he hasnt proven that he isnt going to break my heart like he did in 97. in fact, he has proven that he will break it again and again until i get smart enough to move on and forget that he makes me feel like he does.
you know. i was watching who wants to marry my dad a few weeks ago, like last monday or something i forget. anyway. and now its down to two women, and the daughters have to choose one. and from what i gather, he has feelings for both women, but stronger feelings for the brunette. but the both women have feelings for the dad.. so someone is getting their heart broken monday. i think it will be the blonde. i will feel bad for her. i will know how she feels when the daughters select the other woman, and how let down she will feel, especially seeing as she must know in her heart that the dad would rather be with the brunette.
but you know, when they say things, they dont mean them. they being men. cos, i mean, the enigma, he said all this crap about how he thinks he would be happier with me, and how he wakes up wishing she were me and blah blah blah, but it means nothing and its all lies.
my away message today and yesterday was "the truth would hurt less than the thousands of lies that keep me here.." but i dont know if he saw.
ooooh so dashboards supposed to be on the leno repeat tomorrow. woo. too bad its friday. i will try my best to be home by 230. i will probably cab it.
and i have cure tickets for saturday! saturday! and the rain forecast has gone! now it says mostly cloudy! cloudy i can do! YAY! YAY!
ugh i have to do laundry tomorrow. i woke up this morning (afternoon) at 1, and i was like "ok, laundry" and then seconds later i was like "ok sleep." and i slept. till 330. then i had to get up and dressed for work. i think thats why i was so despondant at work, i was sleepy and bored, and i wanted to be in bed still. so hopefully getting up at 1 tomorrow will help me. i will go wash clothes, and then come home, shower, and get ready for work. but ill be up watching tv, and therefore i will be more alert once i get to the workplace. maybe ill even leave a little early so as i can eat a meal when i get there. i had a chewy sundae tonight. mm. i only ate like 1/3 of it, though, and then i let lee and christine eat the rest. i was full.
ooook. im saying nothing of importance. i will turn to agatha to assuage the painfulness of the loneliness im feeling right now.
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