is it too late to heal?

*freedom's just another word for nothin left to lose*
janis joplin

still suspended in this WAY CRAPPY bad feeling thing. just before i was eating a cracker and mid bite i *totally* lost my appetite. i had to force myself to swallow it.

work was good tonight. it was me, derek, rebecca, bart, and david upstairs. there were a few other people, but they were easy to ignore. it was soooo busy! there were only eight servers on the floor upstairs, and i had two sections. so i made $157 in 6 hours. YAY. i was home by 115, and now im just chillin. chatting with michael on aim, as always. we're discussing my psychic bad feeling.

ok. so back to the feeling. it usually means something bad is going to happen to me emotionally. something unexpected. examples:

• in 1998, i  used to get this feeling when ian was online. he had me blocked, after our whole ithaca disaster, and i kept having this feeling, so i made a new screen name and i found he was blocking me.. and i didnt know why, it wasnt like i KNEW he was blocking me, i just thought he wasnt on. then i had a feeling and i found out he was avoiding me, and it hurt bad.
• senior year of high school i was seeing this kid chris, and i was walking down my street and all the sudden i got this feeling, and i was like "chris is breaking up with me" and i got home, and i checked my email, i had one from him, breaking oup with me, out of the blue.
• when nick showed up at my apartment in williamsburg, i had this feeling. i told stef that he was there to tell me that we werent getting back together, and he wanted to be with jan. she told me i was being ridiculous, but i went down and thats exactly what he told me. and before that i had not an inkling that they were like falling in love while i wasnt around. i thought she was my friend, and i thought he cared about me. it was a huge shock.

so. i mean, its usually something incredibly shocking, or unexpected. there is *nothing* that enigma could do, short of wanting to be with me, that would shock me. and besides, i wouldnt have a BAD feeling if that was gonn happen. i wouldnt be surprised if he said we couldnt be friends anymore. i think i am at the point where those words would only bring me relief. he would be letting me go. and in addition, i think that i wouldnt even believe him if he said it. i dont think he could walk out of my life. ive said it before, ill say it again. i think he lacks the self control necessary to refrain from being a part of my life. i would have to step in and make the change, i would have to be so mad at him again that there would be no more chances left (for some years, at least). he stopped paging me when i never called him back in the old days. i got cryptic pages from him, saying he missed me. im sure i would get those again, and they woud only stop if i never ever responded.

argggh!

im so frustrated. the inside of my left hand hurts. maybe im having a heart attack.