Tuesday, February 22, 2005
ive said goodbye. i sent this. i feel strangely at ease....
I’m going to regret sending this the second I do it. I won’t regret the content, I’ll just regret having opened my mouth. Probably because for so long I’ve been so afraid to walk away from you because I know that I’ll miss you, and I know I will feel like there is some stupid void in my life without you in it. But I’m tired, Joe. I’m tired of playing this game we play, I’m just tired. We ceased to be friends a long time ago. You really don’t know shit about me. I don’t think you really care about me. If I needed you, if I needed a friend, I don’t think you would even be there for me. What we have now is this stupid relationship, where I have become this girl you fuck when it’s convenient for you. But you know what? I’m a real person, with depth, and feelings, and all kinds of human traits. I’m more than a vagina that you enjoy being inside. I’m so involved in yr life, I know about yr band and yr problems and I support you wholeheartedly all the time. You don’t know anything about my life, because you have chosen to not be involved in it. If anyone else comes along, if anything else comes up, you bail on ME. You have comments from everyone else about what a good friend you are, how yr always there and all this shit. So I guess it’s just me, it’s just me because you know that no matter what you do, I’m not going anywhere. Because you know that I have loved you unconditionally for so long, and you know that you can push me really far and I’ll stick around. It’s so easy to bail on me, it’s so easy for you to not fit me in. I’m yr stupid secret friend, I’m not a part of yr life. You know what? I gave up everything for you. I moved out here because you said you wanted to be with me. I left my life to be a part of yrs, and you walked out on me. I should have known better since you always had an excuse (my favorite was when you said you didn’t trust I wouldn’t hurt you.. I mean, come on. It’s been 8 years and I haven’t hurt you once!) I got over the fact that you didn’t want to be with me, I guess, though I still believed you wanted to be my friend. But I don’t anymore, and I can’t keep pretending that it doesn’t hurt when you do this all the time. My life sucks, Joe. It sucks and I hate it, and I have no one out here. I spend most of my time alone, and every time I try to hang out with you, something better came along, or I “didn’t get the text.” I am coping with the fact that my life is just a long string of disappointments and bad decisions. And I am sure that I will add sending this to the list of bad decisions, but I can’t keep it all inside anymore. For some reason, you have meant so much to me for so long. I fell in love with you the minute I met you, and I haven’t been able to let go. But it’s time, you don’t need me, and you will never feel the same way about me as I have felt about you. And as long as I think yr gonna hang out with me, I’m going to be disappointed. I have always thought that somehow things would work out, because I thought that since I walked away once and you still thought about me four years later, that there was some bond or something. But they aren’t going to, and I don’t think you will ever be able to appreciate me, as a friend or as anything else. I want you to understand that I care about you an incredible amount. I would give anything to be able to be some small part of yr life, but you won’t let me. I feel nauseas writing this. I hate this, I hate doing this, and I think I’m going to be a huge mess after I hit send. I already am. And I miss you already… If you ever need me, I'll be here. I promise.
I’m going to regret sending this the second I do it. I won’t regret the content, I’ll just regret having opened my mouth. Probably because for so long I’ve been so afraid to walk away from you because I know that I’ll miss you, and I know I will feel like there is some stupid void in my life without you in it. But I’m tired, Joe. I’m tired of playing this game we play, I’m just tired. We ceased to be friends a long time ago. You really don’t know shit about me. I don’t think you really care about me. If I needed you, if I needed a friend, I don’t think you would even be there for me. What we have now is this stupid relationship, where I have become this girl you fuck when it’s convenient for you. But you know what? I’m a real person, with depth, and feelings, and all kinds of human traits. I’m more than a vagina that you enjoy being inside. I’m so involved in yr life, I know about yr band and yr problems and I support you wholeheartedly all the time. You don’t know anything about my life, because you have chosen to not be involved in it. If anyone else comes along, if anything else comes up, you bail on ME. You have comments from everyone else about what a good friend you are, how yr always there and all this shit. So I guess it’s just me, it’s just me because you know that no matter what you do, I’m not going anywhere. Because you know that I have loved you unconditionally for so long, and you know that you can push me really far and I’ll stick around. It’s so easy to bail on me, it’s so easy for you to not fit me in. I’m yr stupid secret friend, I’m not a part of yr life. You know what? I gave up everything for you. I moved out here because you said you wanted to be with me. I left my life to be a part of yrs, and you walked out on me. I should have known better since you always had an excuse (my favorite was when you said you didn’t trust I wouldn’t hurt you.. I mean, come on. It’s been 8 years and I haven’t hurt you once!) I got over the fact that you didn’t want to be with me, I guess, though I still believed you wanted to be my friend. But I don’t anymore, and I can’t keep pretending that it doesn’t hurt when you do this all the time. My life sucks, Joe. It sucks and I hate it, and I have no one out here. I spend most of my time alone, and every time I try to hang out with you, something better came along, or I “didn’t get the text.” I am coping with the fact that my life is just a long string of disappointments and bad decisions. And I am sure that I will add sending this to the list of bad decisions, but I can’t keep it all inside anymore. For some reason, you have meant so much to me for so long. I fell in love with you the minute I met you, and I haven’t been able to let go. But it’s time, you don’t need me, and you will never feel the same way about me as I have felt about you. And as long as I think yr gonna hang out with me, I’m going to be disappointed. I have always thought that somehow things would work out, because I thought that since I walked away once and you still thought about me four years later, that there was some bond or something. But they aren’t going to, and I don’t think you will ever be able to appreciate me, as a friend or as anything else. I want you to understand that I care about you an incredible amount. I would give anything to be able to be some small part of yr life, but you won’t let me. I feel nauseas writing this. I hate this, I hate doing this, and I think I’m going to be a huge mess after I hit send. I already am. And I miss you already… If you ever need me, I'll be here. I promise.
Subscribe to Comments [Atom]