Saturday, September 29, 2007
dear tom,
you know i still hate you. but more than i hate you, i love you. and more than that, i miss you. i'm so confused about everything. still haven't heard from you and don't suppose i will until i text you friday about pinback. i don't know what to do. after pinback, do i just go home? or do i sleep there, even if it's only on the couch? and what about the future after pinback? do i let go of you, and risk falling away from each other, never seeing you again, and really dismissing any chance of anything in the future? do i really even believe we have potential for the future? you know, every dude who has ever said that hasn't meant it. maybe chaz did, but i don't even know. it was easy for him to SAY he wanted me back when i'd moved on.. but. nick didn't mean it (which is good since he was a cock), and joe certainly didn't mean it.. you obviously still had feelings for me two weeks ago when you received my cd. did i kill them with my announcement that any chance of a future was over on wednesday? i'm going to see you in seven days. i've been waiting for that day for 35 days now, and at this point i'm terrified. you won't try to hug me, or cuddle me, or touch my hand in that way you used to. it'll be a friendly day at the pinback show. it will be gut-wrenching for me. my heart will be pulled out and stomped on. and if i was too tired to drive home, would you still encourage me to go, stating that it would be best for me to go home? this is all a disaster. i loved you with all my heart, and i still do. you are the one i want to grow old with. i need you to anchor me, to make me grounded, while i take care of you. i need to explore our dreams together and do stupid things.. but you would rather be single than be with me, so what can i do about it? nothing. you tell me you are torn in two ways.. and obviously the being alone part is the big winner. you say this is in order to be fair to me, but how is it fair, when you acknowledge that yr reasons are stupid and that you are an idiot????
so listen. i'm hoping beyond hope that you will not be able to resist me on saturday, though i'm relatively positive that i destroyed any possibility with my anger on wednesday. please know that i still love you more than i could ever love another human being. please know that you are still my waking thought each morning and the last thing i think about before i fall asleep at night. please know that i die inside a little every time i see nj license plates and i'm reminded of you at least 15 times an hour, that whenever i get a text message i hope it's you....
the thing is, i will love you forever. but i can't do this. yet i still can't walk away for fear that without my presence you'll forget the feelings you have for me. so just stop, and love me, and i can then breathe again and remember what it feels like to wake up happy and get through a day without a massive anxiety attack, usually beginning around 430pm and continuing until it feels like stopping.
so that's that. i truly love you with every single ounce of my being, every little atom of my entire makeup. so isn't that enough?
you know i still hate you. but more than i hate you, i love you. and more than that, i miss you. i'm so confused about everything. still haven't heard from you and don't suppose i will until i text you friday about pinback. i don't know what to do. after pinback, do i just go home? or do i sleep there, even if it's only on the couch? and what about the future after pinback? do i let go of you, and risk falling away from each other, never seeing you again, and really dismissing any chance of anything in the future? do i really even believe we have potential for the future? you know, every dude who has ever said that hasn't meant it. maybe chaz did, but i don't even know. it was easy for him to SAY he wanted me back when i'd moved on.. but. nick didn't mean it (which is good since he was a cock), and joe certainly didn't mean it.. you obviously still had feelings for me two weeks ago when you received my cd. did i kill them with my announcement that any chance of a future was over on wednesday? i'm going to see you in seven days. i've been waiting for that day for 35 days now, and at this point i'm terrified. you won't try to hug me, or cuddle me, or touch my hand in that way you used to. it'll be a friendly day at the pinback show. it will be gut-wrenching for me. my heart will be pulled out and stomped on. and if i was too tired to drive home, would you still encourage me to go, stating that it would be best for me to go home? this is all a disaster. i loved you with all my heart, and i still do. you are the one i want to grow old with. i need you to anchor me, to make me grounded, while i take care of you. i need to explore our dreams together and do stupid things.. but you would rather be single than be with me, so what can i do about it? nothing. you tell me you are torn in two ways.. and obviously the being alone part is the big winner. you say this is in order to be fair to me, but how is it fair, when you acknowledge that yr reasons are stupid and that you are an idiot????
so listen. i'm hoping beyond hope that you will not be able to resist me on saturday, though i'm relatively positive that i destroyed any possibility with my anger on wednesday. please know that i still love you more than i could ever love another human being. please know that you are still my waking thought each morning and the last thing i think about before i fall asleep at night. please know that i die inside a little every time i see nj license plates and i'm reminded of you at least 15 times an hour, that whenever i get a text message i hope it's you....
the thing is, i will love you forever. but i can't do this. yet i still can't walk away for fear that without my presence you'll forget the feelings you have for me. so just stop, and love me, and i can then breathe again and remember what it feels like to wake up happy and get through a day without a massive anxiety attack, usually beginning around 430pm and continuing until it feels like stopping.
so that's that. i truly love you with every single ounce of my being, every little atom of my entire makeup. so isn't that enough?
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