Friday, September 21, 2007
you see, yr just like everyone..when the shit falls all you want to do is run away and hide all by yourself when yr far from me.. there's nothing else
when your mind's made up.. when your mind's made up
there's no point trying to change it
glen hansford & marketa irglova
when your mind's made up.. when your mind's made up
there's no point trying to change it
glen hansford & marketa irglova
i'm watching the mexican...
i hate you still. you texted me ALL day today. from 10:34am till like 4pm. nonstop textage. why? because you have no idea what yr doing to me, obviously. i got infuriated at some point, mostly because you caught on to my trying to make you jealous, so i called you on yr daily texts, though YOU are the one who said we shouldn't talk every day anymore. you said yr trying not to confuse, so you would try to cut back. i told you that i don't buy any of yr crap anymore, that you are just trying to spare my feelings. you said "believe what you want but i think its a real possibility at some point. not 98 percent, but not 2 percent either." well. i'm pretty sure yr full of crap, and when i'm drinking myself into a coma tomorrow night and talking to whatever boys i can, i WON'T be thinking of you. but you will know that i'm out there, drinking, looking for cute boys.. and i hope it plagues you all night.. that yr totally unable to function imagining me with hot dudes. i hope it tears you apart. you stupid fuck.
14 days. exactly two weeks from tomorrow. i am less and less sure of what to expect from you. taking a step back, seeing each other less frequently.. does that mean you won't try to cuddle me, that you won't try to get me to stay the night? i already know you won't. that if that's to be the scenario, it will have to be initiated by me. i already know that i have zero intentions of driving home that night. doors at 7:30 means show starts at 8:30. openers, pinback. over an hour drive with a very potential stop at white diamond (where i haven't been since approximately 1999), and it's like 1 or 2am. you can't expect me to want to drive home at that hour. but i'll take the stupid fucking couch, since yr goal is to not confuse, i'm sure you won't share yr bed with me.
the plan for tomorrow: eyebrows (finally! i'm a fucking beast right now!) at 1:30. quick manicure. come home, get dolled up. meet antonia on the train during the 8pm hour. eat at chevy's to visit the jester who i haven't seen in about 2 years. meet up with lee to catch up. ditch lee to continue on to a random bar where there will be cute indie boys to make eyes at. call heather and hope she comes to meet us. even though she called me lindsay today, which was weird. meeting at least one boy is imperative, so when you ask me if i met anyone, which i have a feeling you will, i can say "maybe" and play coy, while all the time knowing i did. kissing this random boy would be an added bonus. getting him to ask for my number... maybe i should have decided on a night out in williamsburg! that's where all the hipster boys are. i don't know how i feel about them anyway. do i want fancy boys or cuties? maybe heather will know where to go. antonia was supposed to do research though. i really can't go home with some random dude because it would be mean of me to make antonia ride the LIRR home alone. she's MARRIED though. i mean, technically bryan could come and like, watch from across the bar. take her home. but not the plan. no boys allowed especially if they aren't fuckable. the goal is to potentially score NEXT weekend. not that it matters since i don't want a relationship. i just want to have some fun. meet someone to go out with on weekends, go home with, and then dump when/if tom comes around. which isn't going to happen, so i guess someone with relationship potential is ok.
i just want to be married. i want to look for a house, plan a family, open a joint checking account. i want to plan a wedding. i want to be a beautiful bride. i have the details already: i want to get married on a beach in the sand, no shoes. i want to have a really classy party. i want this to be soon, as i'm not getting any younger and i want to be gorgeous on my wedding day. i know what i want my first dance as a married person to be (that's a secret!). i know i want a cake with an amazing filling and a chocolate fountain. i know who i want in my wedding party (jan, katie, antonia, emily). i guess i could expand it if i marry a particularly popular man. and i would have to expand it if he has any sisters. i guess technically i should ask my cousin anne-marie, but she's gonna be 40 by the time i get married and i just want my girls. the maid/matron of honor situation will be sticky since i have three best friends. i suppose i'm closest to jan.. and antonia skipped having me as her maid of honor to get married in city hall. so i feel like that obligation has been dropped. i'm relatively positive that she'd hate me, especially if i went with jan because we didn't talk for 4 years. WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS?!?! i'm not getting married any time soon. the man i want to spend my life with is UNSURE about us!
fucking life. i know i've said this before and i'm saying it again: there better be some fucking AMAZING prize when i die, cos if i've dealt with all this shit for nothing i'm going to be one awesomely angry dead person.
back to the mexican.
i hate you still. you texted me ALL day today. from 10:34am till like 4pm. nonstop textage. why? because you have no idea what yr doing to me, obviously. i got infuriated at some point, mostly because you caught on to my trying to make you jealous, so i called you on yr daily texts, though YOU are the one who said we shouldn't talk every day anymore. you said yr trying not to confuse, so you would try to cut back. i told you that i don't buy any of yr crap anymore, that you are just trying to spare my feelings. you said "believe what you want but i think its a real possibility at some point. not 98 percent, but not 2 percent either." well. i'm pretty sure yr full of crap, and when i'm drinking myself into a coma tomorrow night and talking to whatever boys i can, i WON'T be thinking of you. but you will know that i'm out there, drinking, looking for cute boys.. and i hope it plagues you all night.. that yr totally unable to function imagining me with hot dudes. i hope it tears you apart. you stupid fuck.
14 days. exactly two weeks from tomorrow. i am less and less sure of what to expect from you. taking a step back, seeing each other less frequently.. does that mean you won't try to cuddle me, that you won't try to get me to stay the night? i already know you won't. that if that's to be the scenario, it will have to be initiated by me. i already know that i have zero intentions of driving home that night. doors at 7:30 means show starts at 8:30. openers, pinback. over an hour drive with a very potential stop at white diamond (where i haven't been since approximately 1999), and it's like 1 or 2am. you can't expect me to want to drive home at that hour. but i'll take the stupid fucking couch, since yr goal is to not confuse, i'm sure you won't share yr bed with me.
the plan for tomorrow: eyebrows (finally! i'm a fucking beast right now!) at 1:30. quick manicure. come home, get dolled up. meet antonia on the train during the 8pm hour. eat at chevy's to visit the jester who i haven't seen in about 2 years. meet up with lee to catch up. ditch lee to continue on to a random bar where there will be cute indie boys to make eyes at. call heather and hope she comes to meet us. even though she called me lindsay today, which was weird. meeting at least one boy is imperative, so when you ask me if i met anyone, which i have a feeling you will, i can say "maybe" and play coy, while all the time knowing i did. kissing this random boy would be an added bonus. getting him to ask for my number... maybe i should have decided on a night out in williamsburg! that's where all the hipster boys are. i don't know how i feel about them anyway. do i want fancy boys or cuties? maybe heather will know where to go. antonia was supposed to do research though. i really can't go home with some random dude because it would be mean of me to make antonia ride the LIRR home alone. she's MARRIED though. i mean, technically bryan could come and like, watch from across the bar. take her home. but not the plan. no boys allowed especially if they aren't fuckable. the goal is to potentially score NEXT weekend. not that it matters since i don't want a relationship. i just want to have some fun. meet someone to go out with on weekends, go home with, and then dump when/if tom comes around. which isn't going to happen, so i guess someone with relationship potential is ok.
i just want to be married. i want to look for a house, plan a family, open a joint checking account. i want to plan a wedding. i want to be a beautiful bride. i have the details already: i want to get married on a beach in the sand, no shoes. i want to have a really classy party. i want this to be soon, as i'm not getting any younger and i want to be gorgeous on my wedding day. i know what i want my first dance as a married person to be (that's a secret!). i know i want a cake with an amazing filling and a chocolate fountain. i know who i want in my wedding party (jan, katie, antonia, emily). i guess i could expand it if i marry a particularly popular man. and i would have to expand it if he has any sisters. i guess technically i should ask my cousin anne-marie, but she's gonna be 40 by the time i get married and i just want my girls. the maid/matron of honor situation will be sticky since i have three best friends. i suppose i'm closest to jan.. and antonia skipped having me as her maid of honor to get married in city hall. so i feel like that obligation has been dropped. i'm relatively positive that she'd hate me, especially if i went with jan because we didn't talk for 4 years. WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS?!?! i'm not getting married any time soon. the man i want to spend my life with is UNSURE about us!
fucking life. i know i've said this before and i'm saying it again: there better be some fucking AMAZING prize when i die, cos if i've dealt with all this shit for nothing i'm going to be one awesomely angry dead person.
back to the mexican.
Subscribe to Comments [Atom]