Sunday, September 16, 2007
it was the sweetness of yr skin, it was the hope of all we might have been, that filled me with the hope to wish impossible things.. to wish impossible things
the cure
i'm pretty sure i used that lyric already in like 2004, but what the hell. it's been like 3 years and there are a finite amount of lyrics i adore. so fuck it all.
the cure
i'm pretty sure i used that lyric already in like 2004, but what the hell. it's been like 3 years and there are a finite amount of lyrics i adore. so fuck it all.
this is my 495th post. it should be my 1000+ th post, but it isn't since i stopped blogging for so long. boo hiss. i'm getting back into the swing of it, i guess. i should get a tracker again. last night i spent hours reading old posts. feeling bad for how i felt back then. i still have some weird non-feelings for joe, but mostly i'm repulsed by the fact that i needed him so badly when all he was doing was playing with me. i knew it, too, but. and then i worry if i'm doing it again, if i'm making myself crazy over tom for an ultimate joe ending. probably. i'm a sucker for heartbreak. but what the fuck does it even matter? my heart is ALREADY broken. it's not like i'm waiting for tom to break it again. it's in pieces and therefore all of this is necessary.
additionally i read the entirety of paper journal volume VII (my current book) which also made me nauseas. i went to a psychic on oct 14 2004 and she said i would be MARRIED within three years. and here i am. not married. not even in a relationship that is going to end in marriage. NOT EVEN IN A RELATIONSHIP. period.
i haven't contacted tom. 19 days remain, as i said would yesterday. 19 more days and i hate him on this particular one. i don't know why, but for some reason the only feeling i have for him at this moment is loathing. a loving loathing, yes, but loathing nonetheless. probably because i've been dying to tell him how much i love him for the past 24 hours. no reason. just dying for it. every time i kiss kasha and tell her i love her, i wish it was him. i mean, i'd still tell her i love her constantly even if there was a man to love. a man named tom, of course. but still.
checked out my random dating sites and had nothing to look at. as usual. match.com was a waste of money. whenever i express interest in someone, they don't respond. whenever someone expresses interest in me, they are either fat, ugly, or WAY too into the gym for my taste. okcupid is lame and all the dudes on there (except tom) are idiots. looks like i'm going to die alone.
i had high hopes for doing a lot of things on this, the sixteenth day of september. i was going to go to barnes & noble because i didn't get the september issue of jane in the mail, but i failed. i was going to go to the bank, but i failed at that as well. i did go to 7-11 (imperative on sunday for the paper!), petco (lest kasha go hungry) and the grocery store (lest i go hungry). i wrote some lessons, but not nearly enough before i decided that work is for suckers and finished my letter to irene. i wanted to take a bath today but i didn't. mainly bc kasha puked in the tub and i don't want to be bathing in clorox clean-up. so basically i'm a failure. i'd like to get high and do a crossword puzzle but that, too, is impossible. if mike would do what i ask, then maybe i could be messed up right now. but no. and this is mostly the reason we will never be together. he doesn't put priority on the things i ask him to do. all i want is to get retarded, zone out, and become one with my couch. is that too much to ask? apparently.
it's 8:55pm on a sunday night. i slept until 2:45. i need to go to bed soon, but that ain't happening. i once again have nothing to show for a weekend spent mostly in solitude. i was better, really. i was social at dinner last night. i was even nice to jill, even though i have never liked her and she's pregnant. i'm sorry for this, but i just cannot be happy for her. I WANT TO BE PREGNANT. and she's a bitch. but SHE gets to have a baby and i get to be ALONE. and my dad told me she was pregnant 2 weeks ago... he said "we're going to have grandchildren!" as if it was HIS grandchild. sorry dad, no. step grandchildren is even a reach, since he and linda aren't married. do i sound bitter? well i am. i don't want him to be so excited for her child to come. i want him to be excited for MY child. i should get knocked up by some stranger. i'm going to be last at everything. last wedding. by the time i get married, no one is even going to care. last baby. no one will give a fuck since there will be a menagerie of children running around by then.
fuck my life.
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