Saturday, September 29, 2007
are we talking? are we fighting? is it over? are we writing?
hey i miss you...
jawbreaker
hey i miss you...
jawbreaker
kasha is kneading her blanket. my stomach is exploding with anxiety. for the past 5 hours. every day this goes on. well the kneading multiple times a day, really. and she looks like.. the devil when she's doing it. she stares.. this stare that goes through you, as she kneads. my mom says belly does it too, when she kneads, so i guess it's a bizarre cat fixated stare thing. but the pressing problem here is the anxiety. i keep not calling therapists because i know i really can't afford a $20/week co-pay. grumble.
went to the mall today. i'm clearly an idiot because i went over-limit on my credit card. but i did get two nice shirts and a sweater for that $35 fee. helped ryan pick out some clothes. doing laundry now, since i'm a loser and apparently that's the best option i have for a saturday night at 10:36pm.
reading rant by chuck palahniuk. it's bizarre. i'm on chapter 14. have to finish it before saturday since i want to bring it to tom. why am i still thinking of things to do for him? why am i still thinking i'll make cupcakes? a peace offering? are we still fighting? are you thinking of me right now? did you think of me today? at all? i need to know these things, but never will.
10:39 now. time is melting, dripping, it's going so slow. should i go to bed after the laundry? what does a girl do in this situation? i can't email the match people who wrote me, since i can't reveal my loser saturday night. really don't even like the one guy i've been emailing with. i'm obviously an idiot.
joe canceled on thursday due to a protest in washington square park. am i repeating myself? i'm hoping wednesday is a go, the date he rescheduled the studio apartment tour. he was excited to watch bring it on again. if we watch a movie, the likelihood that something more happens is high. is this what i really want? of course not. but i'll settle for it.
10:42 now. 8 minutes until i have to go put the laundry in the dryer. my stomach is a disaster.
ryan says he caught at least 5 dudes checking me out in the food court alone today. i was oblivious to all of it. i'm in my own world all of the time.
potentially going to the city friday night. we have a work thing planned for after work (redundant, but don't know how to say it?) due to the 3-day weekend (thanks, christopher columbus, for slaying all those natives so i could have a day off of work!). i think we're doing dinner and drinks. heather said i could come to the city with her after and we could go look for cute boys. i can't afford any of this. i don't know how i'm going to pay for dinner and/or drinks, and then go to the city and then go to pinback the next day. i'm obviously going to have a $0 balance in my checking account by oct 15, which is my next payday and still 2 weeks away.
10:46. dripping time.
i wish my stomach would settle. it's all yr fault. why can't i just forget you? you stupid, helpless, overweight, greying, balding man? you know. i mean, come one. yr not even a catch. there is something wrong with me. i have a thing for boys who don't want to be with me/settle down. i think i'm attracted to their phermones. maybe it's my self-conscious way of always being in pain. maybe i couldn't live without the constant sadness that envelopes me on a day-to-day basis. then there's something definitely wrong with me.
10:48. 2 more minutes. i feel like i'm going to vomit. i'd kill for some marijuana right now, but that hasn't been an option in a long time and won't be an option in my foreseeable future. maybe i need to make some more seedy friends who do drugs. maybe i just need to learn to deal with my emotions on my own, without the help of recreational drugs.
would it be wrong for me to wish to have some terrible accident happen to me, to be hospitalized for a long period of time and not have to deal with my life or my problems? maybe i need to be checked into some in-patient facility.
all i know is that it's been 36 days since i last saw you and about 40 since i knew you were bailing on me, and i still feel like the same disaster i was that day. and, i'll admit, i cried a little, just a tiny bit, today when i missed you. this is all yr fault.
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