Thursday, September 20, 2007
i'm having an amazing anxiety night. as if this were unusual. i'm very unhappy that i have been plagued with this affliction EVERY DAY for the past month. it started when i was in GA and hasn't stopped. i get through the day ok most days, but as soon as i get in the car hell breaks loose on my insides. and it persists throughout the evening. i'm not loving it.
15 days. today there were two separate strains of texts started by... YOU. first was around 12:30, a text that simply stated "cheesecake". i asked if you were eating it, and you said "nooooo i wish" and i said, oh is that what prompted the single word cheesecake being texted to me? to which you replied "most likely." uh??? then i said you were cryptic and you didn't respond. fast forward to 7:32pm and you text me "what movie should i watch??" this is reminiscent of the old days. i said what are your options, and you respond "nothin"... uh?? AGAIN. you text me, then you get bizarre, like you didn't mean to and want to end that convo. you annoy me sometimes. today is a hate day. mostly because i'm positive that you are causing my anxiety in some way. so i asked how yr show was, and you said it was ok. now yr on okc and apparently too busy with that to reply to my last text. whatever. i'm not texting you anymore. i haven't initiated a conversation, with the exception of asking about yr show, in a few days. but you keep texting me. we agreed that either of us would text when we had something to say, but you text me with nonsense. on a sometimes daily, but mostly bi-daily basis. every fucking other day you are sending me nonsense. maybe i should stop responding at all. you don't need me in yr life, and i certainly don't need this. maybe if i just exed you out of my life i would not feel like i can't breathe anymore.
15 days means 2 weeks. i wonder if my anxiety level will be higher the morning of the 6th. i'm sure i'll be insane in my head. it's 11:30 right now, i should be asleep. i should have gone to bed about 45 minutes ago. it's going to be a rough morning.
i just want my stomach to go back to normal. that's all. i want to be able to eat without feeling like it's mush on my insides. i want to sleep through the night. would having you back do anything to change the situation? i don't even know. maybe i need meds. are meds worth it? the percent chance that the adverse effects suck worse is high. i'd rather be anxious than get fat or have sleepless nights. i mean, right now i don't sleep through the night, but i always fall asleep fast and don't stay awake when i do wake up....
i need my bed. like now.
i miss you like crazy. oh, and i still love you. i wish my stupid heart would just catch fire already.
15 days. today there were two separate strains of texts started by... YOU. first was around 12:30, a text that simply stated "cheesecake". i asked if you were eating it, and you said "nooooo i wish" and i said, oh is that what prompted the single word cheesecake being texted to me? to which you replied "most likely." uh??? then i said you were cryptic and you didn't respond. fast forward to 7:32pm and you text me "what movie should i watch??" this is reminiscent of the old days. i said what are your options, and you respond "nothin"... uh?? AGAIN. you text me, then you get bizarre, like you didn't mean to and want to end that convo. you annoy me sometimes. today is a hate day. mostly because i'm positive that you are causing my anxiety in some way. so i asked how yr show was, and you said it was ok. now yr on okc and apparently too busy with that to reply to my last text. whatever. i'm not texting you anymore. i haven't initiated a conversation, with the exception of asking about yr show, in a few days. but you keep texting me. we agreed that either of us would text when we had something to say, but you text me with nonsense. on a sometimes daily, but mostly bi-daily basis. every fucking other day you are sending me nonsense. maybe i should stop responding at all. you don't need me in yr life, and i certainly don't need this. maybe if i just exed you out of my life i would not feel like i can't breathe anymore.
15 days means 2 weeks. i wonder if my anxiety level will be higher the morning of the 6th. i'm sure i'll be insane in my head. it's 11:30 right now, i should be asleep. i should have gone to bed about 45 minutes ago. it's going to be a rough morning.
i just want my stomach to go back to normal. that's all. i want to be able to eat without feeling like it's mush on my insides. i want to sleep through the night. would having you back do anything to change the situation? i don't even know. maybe i need meds. are meds worth it? the percent chance that the adverse effects suck worse is high. i'd rather be anxious than get fat or have sleepless nights. i mean, right now i don't sleep through the night, but i always fall asleep fast and don't stay awake when i do wake up....
i need my bed. like now.
i miss you like crazy. oh, and i still love you. i wish my stupid heart would just catch fire already.
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