Friday, September 14, 2007
i'm totally screwed. i just sat down to my budget and i basically can't save anything. i'm going to have to save the usual amount, if i'm lucky.. everything is totally impossible right now. i've really fucked up. i need to make some extra money somehow, but i don't know how to do it. i need to get like a weekend job. that's the only thing i can really do in order to save myself from the mess of debt i have incurred. i have like $650 a month to pay down $15,000 in credit card debt. with NO INTEREST that's going to take me 24 months. TWO YEARS. i don't know what to do. i'm cleaning my mom's house on saturday for $100 and i'm going to take that to my dad and give it to him because i still owe him like $400 from last summer. i owe her $960. i'm making more money salary-wise, but it doesn't matter since they won't withhold summer pay, my checks are bigger and i'm taxed more heavily. so i have to live on LESS money than i did previously. i feel like my only option is to move home and pay down the debt. save $1200 a month. but i can't do that. i cannot live at home, i'll go crazy. i can't be commuting 4 hours in the car every single fucking day. i don't know how to fix this mess i'm in. i could not save so much and have to get a summer job next year.. but i won't make enough like that, either. the new plan is to basically axe my food budget. i will only eat lunch every day, and i will purchase my lunches at the grocery store. cheese sandwiches and yogurt. and that can really be my only meal of the day. i think i can handle that. i won't shop at all. the mall will be my nemesis. no more shopping. this will be the hardest commitment i ever make. roosevelt field is now off limits. i can't go to see any bands play. i just won't eat, and won't shop. i'm not giving up cigarettes. i already don't drink. this is what has to happen. if i stop shopping, that's an extra $200 a month toward my debt and i won't be incurring any more debt. i'll be out of style and i'll have ratty clothing. i've made it this long on a budget i wasn't following.. i have a few credit cards with not much debt on them, and i'll have them paid off in a few months.. then i can concentrate on the bigger debts. i'm going to atlantic city in december to see brand new, and i'll make sure to have the money for that. i have to pay for a hotel and i cannot be in a casino and not gamble. plus drinking. but if i don't shop between now and then i should have no problem. i already use coupons at the grocery store. i can't buy snacks though. cheese sticks are too expensive. i'll be hungry, but i'll be saving money. plus i end up throwing so much food out, so i should just stop buying it. the other option is to only buy dinner foods and make enough for the following days lunch. that could be reasonable. if i eat mostly rice. but eating rice is tricky since they i'll have problems with my stomach and being "bound up", as they say. so it can't be rice. pasta? i have to go to the mall tomorrow to get presents for jan and for eric. i wish i had stuff to sell on ebay. my cable bill will go up in december. this is not exciting. maybe i should just save $8000 for next summer. get a summer job. i think we're going to north carolina next summer, though. maybe i should skip my tropical vacation. maybe i'll win some money in AC this time around (ha. i've left there a very poor girl both times!). i have to stop playing the scratch offs. that's a given right now. how can i make some money? what can i do that doesn't take much time but pays something? i can wait tables on weekends, but then i have to say goodbye to my free time. working retail on weekends would just be a waste of time. at $7/hour, if i worked 16 hours a week.. i'd be making.. what the fuck is 7 x 16? like a hundred dollars a week. $400 per month.. that doesn't help and would only make me miserable. besides, i couldn't work at the mall. the last thing i need is to see my kids there. that would be terrible. then they would think i was poor. i'm not poor, i just manage my money terribly. right now i need tom. he would talk to me rationally about this and make me feel better. mike was here before, and we talked about it, and he made me feel WORSE. because he patronizes me. he doesn't mean to, he has good intentions, but he made the suggestion that i go into some sort of therapy, like shopaholics anonymous. what the fuck? i do need regular therapy, which i had forgotten about. that's another $80 a month. jesus fucking christ. ok, so no shopping, no eating. just fruit water and maybe salad. salad is cheap. i'd have to buy it frequently, but it's cheap. ok, salad it is. i'm going to eat only salad and drink only fruit water and no shopping. i have october birthdays to deal with, but really only linda's because nick is in antarctica and, well, i don't have to get him anything. i'll send him a nice card. leave him a myspace comment. i still owe antonia a birthday gift, but i haven't got the money. november is my dad's birthday, but he always says not to spend a lot and i always do anyway. this year i won't. christmas... i'll buy on the cheap. i'll sit in the dark to save money on my electric bill. start going to bed at 9:30pm so i don't have the tv on. maybe i should just move home and deal with it. i can live at my dad's house, take the ocean parkway and miss a lot of the traffic on the LIE. but then i have to deal with the meadowbrook. and if things work out with tom, i'll be forfuckingever away from him. but they won't so i guess i don't have to worry about that. i can't move home. i can't deal with that. i really can't. i'm insane to even be thinking about it. i need a roommate. i need a lover to move in with. i need to make some huge changes. maybe i can start running in great neck. there are some parks. maybe i can get a personal loan from the bank at a decent interest rate. maybe i'll look into that tomorrow. i wonder what the rates are like. anything below 17% would be good. i'll go to bethpage tomorrow and sit with a loan officer. i wonder what my credit rating looks like. i have a lot of debt. but the loan would be helping me to pay off that debt. i could then have it all in one place instead of owing on like 8 different credit cards. my budget would be so much more secure. i'm supposed to be paying $500 a month on my mom's credit card. if i had a personal loan, there would be parameters and probably payments each month i couldn't afford. it's still worth looking into. i'll go tomorrow.
it's almost 1am. 12:48. i need to bring my rental car back to the place tomorrow at noon in order to switch it for a new one. apparently they sold the car i have right now. the new one will probably be some shitty small car, like a ford focus. vomit.
the good news about tomorrow is that it's the halfway point. 3 weeks without tom and 3 more to go. i can somewhat handle that. downhill is always easier, right? it's been tough, though. it's getting easier. i don't think about him so much right now. i've been anxiety free for a good 24 hours right now. that's a huge bonus. i'm definitely still in love with him, though. still the first thing i think about when i open my eyes in the morning. i can't help it. he's my soulmate, i'm sure of it. but i'll have to end up settling for some other schmuck. whatever. i can live. i'm pretty numb right now. i don't even get tearful at the sad parts or happy parts of tv shows, like i usually do. i watched lost with michael tonight and rose and bernard reunited. any other time of my life i would have been sobbing to see them together for the first time in the course of the show (we're up to the 9th episode of season 2).. but i didn't. i got a little welling in my eyes, but tears didn't form. i know i'm still in love with tom because when i listen to "heart" by stars, when the girl sings "i'm still in love with you" i feel it and i ache for him. i will love him forever. this isn't fleeting, and it's not psychological. i'm not convinced i'm in love with him because i can't have him. i truly and deeply love him. am in love with him. and i'd give the world to have him here. he texted me randomly tonight that he threw his keys in the dumpster last night and had to go through the garbage to get them out. no need to tell me this at like 8pm the day after, he just did. i know he's still thinking about me. maybe he's in love with me, too.
i need to watch some tv and veg, and then i need to go to bed. i have been up for 12 hours. if i go to bed in like 2 hours, i'll lay there for one and then sleep. so i guess that's a good plan.
22 days. i can't wait to see you. i can't wait to breathe you in. even though the drive to asbury park is going to be long and sad because i won't be holding your hand, what matters is that you'll be beside me. just to feel you there.. just to know you are there.. stopping at white diamond on the way back. show is at 8. it takes one hour and 9 minutes to get from nutley to asbury park according to mapquest. ok so say the show lasts til like 11.. stopping for burgers.. we might not be back in nutley until like 12:30 or 1. then i'll be too tired to drive home. even if i'm not i will be. i'll ask to crash on yr couch. will you even let me? will you offer to sleep in the couch, and i can take yr bed? or will you tell me to come sleep with you? will you preemptively ask me to stay? that's what i'm hoping for.. i really want YOU to ask ME to stay.. i know it will hurt more, but it will make me so happy in the moment that the future pain will be meaningless. of course when the future comes and the pain surges in i will be miserable, but i'm willing to take that chance. even though there is really no chance involved.
i love you so much it's killing me.
it's almost 1am. 12:48. i need to bring my rental car back to the place tomorrow at noon in order to switch it for a new one. apparently they sold the car i have right now. the new one will probably be some shitty small car, like a ford focus. vomit.
the good news about tomorrow is that it's the halfway point. 3 weeks without tom and 3 more to go. i can somewhat handle that. downhill is always easier, right? it's been tough, though. it's getting easier. i don't think about him so much right now. i've been anxiety free for a good 24 hours right now. that's a huge bonus. i'm definitely still in love with him, though. still the first thing i think about when i open my eyes in the morning. i can't help it. he's my soulmate, i'm sure of it. but i'll have to end up settling for some other schmuck. whatever. i can live. i'm pretty numb right now. i don't even get tearful at the sad parts or happy parts of tv shows, like i usually do. i watched lost with michael tonight and rose and bernard reunited. any other time of my life i would have been sobbing to see them together for the first time in the course of the show (we're up to the 9th episode of season 2).. but i didn't. i got a little welling in my eyes, but tears didn't form. i know i'm still in love with tom because when i listen to "heart" by stars, when the girl sings "i'm still in love with you" i feel it and i ache for him. i will love him forever. this isn't fleeting, and it's not psychological. i'm not convinced i'm in love with him because i can't have him. i truly and deeply love him. am in love with him. and i'd give the world to have him here. he texted me randomly tonight that he threw his keys in the dumpster last night and had to go through the garbage to get them out. no need to tell me this at like 8pm the day after, he just did. i know he's still thinking about me. maybe he's in love with me, too.
i need to watch some tv and veg, and then i need to go to bed. i have been up for 12 hours. if i go to bed in like 2 hours, i'll lay there for one and then sleep. so i guess that's a good plan.
22 days. i can't wait to see you. i can't wait to breathe you in. even though the drive to asbury park is going to be long and sad because i won't be holding your hand, what matters is that you'll be beside me. just to feel you there.. just to know you are there.. stopping at white diamond on the way back. show is at 8. it takes one hour and 9 minutes to get from nutley to asbury park according to mapquest. ok so say the show lasts til like 11.. stopping for burgers.. we might not be back in nutley until like 12:30 or 1. then i'll be too tired to drive home. even if i'm not i will be. i'll ask to crash on yr couch. will you even let me? will you offer to sleep in the couch, and i can take yr bed? or will you tell me to come sleep with you? will you preemptively ask me to stay? that's what i'm hoping for.. i really want YOU to ask ME to stay.. i know it will hurt more, but it will make me so happy in the moment that the future pain will be meaningless. of course when the future comes and the pain surges in i will be miserable, but i'm willing to take that chance. even though there is really no chance involved.
i love you so much it's killing me.
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