Saturday, February 21, 2004
*poinsetta poison rain, trading true love for insult and injury, we washed it down the drain with one silver bullet and two vicodin*
alkaline trio
hi. its like 415 in the morning. i worked tonight, it was way shitty, but work is work. anyway. i made no money i had the worst people *ever* in my station. i got $4 on $65, $3 on 55, and $4 on $41 all in like the same 8 minute period. i was like UGH one table after another of brits or ghetto. seriously, british people need to read that fucking tour book they have on the table, the part where it says we tip in america. i mean, how fucking hard would it be to read the book and realize that our customs arent the same, and that waiters dont make living wage in the us. UGH. i swear im not giving europeans directions to places anymore unless theyve already tipped me, and if it was a bad tip, then im giving them wrong directions.
but whatever. after work kim and i went on our date to the diner for valentines day. we had a lot of food. she got a tossed salad and a grilled cheddar cheese. i got two eggs over easy with white bread toast and melted american cheese, and a grilled cheddar with mashed potatoes. we shared the potatoes. she thinks i should eat more, you know, since i weigh 124 lbs right now which is unsane. i think its fine. ill waste away to nothing. who cares? anyway i got home just after 3:45. did the crossword puzzle, which i only got one letter wrong!!! now im here.
fought with the enigma yesterday, and thats really been on my mind. it was silly, i guess. i dont know. like.. ok. well last week i told him i was gonna be on LI monday and tuesday, and that we should get together. he agreed. monday he sent me a message saying that he had to work late, and was in a crappy mood and just wanted to go home. so i was like ok. tuesday we were texting all day, and then at like 430 i asked him if he was gonna be able to hang out that night, and he was like "possibly, i have to see if i have practice." so whatever, a bit later hes like "doh, i have practice, but are you free thursday?" so i said i'd be in brooklyn, but that i was free. fast forward to thursday. i sent him a message seeing if he was still coming, and hes like "heres the thing.. im in manhattan and i have to fix a ton of lights in this building, and i wanna go home and wash before i see you." so i figured he was still coming. but later he said "to be honest with you, i dont think im gonna make it today. im already exhausted. what do you think?" so i was like "im bummed. it sucks but.. whatever. some other time i guess." and basically i was just disappointed but i guess the words i used made it sound like i was having an attitude, and he was like "you dont understand?" and i was like "no i understand. just cos im upset doesnt mean i dont understand. its my fault, i know better than to get my hopes up." and he was like "you dont have to add yr smart remarks on the end of every text. you want me to feel bad bc i dont feel like driving another hour and to see you for two?" and i was like "im sorry that yr getting the wrong impression, i am not trying to make you feel bad. i completely understand, and i dont blame you. i promise." then a few minutes later i was like "i might be on LI sun and mon, so we can try for then, ok?" but he didnt respond so after like an hour i was like "are you mad? i didnt mean to upset you." and still no response. so he signs onto AIM and im like "hey are you mad?" and he was like "ahhhh.. no. not mad. disappointed i guess." so i said "disappointed about what?" and he was like "i dont wanna have to feel bad if i cant see you." .. so i dont know i was like trying to explain that i didnt mean anything and that i understand that hes busy and that i guess i used a poor word choice in my responses.. and he was like "yah but the 'whatever.. some other time' part sucked the most" and i tried to explain that "whatever" was meant like ill get over it not like "whatever" you suck, but i dont know. i told him that i think maybe he just expects me to be mad, and he was like "i guess i shouldnt let you know that im trying to see you" and i was like "no its not that, why would you do that?" and he said bc letting me know always ends up hurting my feelings, and i was like "dude, you havent hurt my feelings. im just disappointed." he was like "its not like i dont want to see you, you dont think i want to see you? i just dont want to get back into the car after driving an hour and half to drive another hour and get there and have to leave at 12." so like i was trying to explain to him that the things that used to upset me, like how infrequently he hangs out, doesnt really upset me anymore bc i dont have any expectations and i know him well enough to know that he is really busy. and he was just like "yah, i dont want to think about it. water under the bridge." then he was like "im gonna get some dinner" so i said "ok, well have a good night and if im gonna be on LI, i'll get in touch" and he was just like "bye." so i dont know if hes still mad at me.
but part of me *is* mad. i mean.. like when i think about it.. i think back to a few saturdays ago, when he fucking had that dream about me, and had to see me immediately, and drove into brooklyn just to drive me to work. and that day, they were playing upstate and he had to leave at 2. so i dont know, i mean, he had to travel here and back just to travel back past here again to go upstate.. and that was ok, bc *he* wanted to see *me*. but when its like lets hang out and im suggesting it, hes like "eh." plus i get soo confused, bc like when i told him last week that id be home monday and tuesday, he was like "aaah im so frustrated." and i asked why and he said "you know, its like it was gone for a while and now i got a taste of it and i want it all the time sorta thing." so. i dont know. he contradicts himself. just to spend two hours with me? well. thats two hours that we could watch a movie and make out.. and yr talking about wanting it all the time.. but when you have a chance, its like nah. so what the hell do you want? this is why yr my fucking enigma. bc yr a puzzle, i cant figure you out, it doesnt make sense. every time i think yr making a clear statement, you somehow manage to contradict it before my mind can process the first thought. what am i supposed to think, how i am supposed to feel, do you care, do you want to see me, is it just the sex? well. im not sure. bc a lot of the time, its all you talk about but sometimes its like.. 2 hours isnt enough quality time for you to want to drive back out and spend that time with me? then what is it? are you unhappy that you wont be able to spend hours with me? YOU NEVER SPEND HOURS WITH ME. the last time we spent a serious amount of time together was new years day, and you slept a good three hours of the only six you were with me. in august it was 3 hours. in september it was three hours. i didnt see you at all in october. in november it was three hours. even the other times.. i ran into you at the show and we talked for 15 minutes. you came out for an hour to drive me to work. then you came over that week again, and you got here at 850, and you left at 1230. 3.5 hours. so dont tell me this crap. there has got to be another girl in the picture. because seriously, if there isnt, he hasnt gotten any in two weeks, and he passed up THREE opportunities, TWO of which i was a 15 minute drive from him, not an hour.
all i want is a clear sign, even if it hurts. even if you tell me that there is someone else, and that you dont think it should be this way, even if its to tell me that things are over. or if you decide that we should just be friends without the intimacy, like you did in may, you should fucking stick to it. because when you told me that it would probably be best for us, or for me, if we cut out the making out, you didnt last ONE time. not once. i cant remember the chronology, but i know we had the talk the week before the alkaline trio show. and i saw you at the show and it was awkward, but then i guess maybe you came out, and whatever happened, bc i know that you were in connecticut, and you wanted me to come and keep you company.. so something must have happened, and you confuse me. WHAT DO YOU WANT? if you cant make up yr mind, then FUCKING SET ME FREE. im not strong enough to let go without you pushing me away. i have this fucking complex.. and im ever the optomist, and im so hopeful that things will change, and that if i walk away, itll be my fault for turning my back on love. thats why i stayed with nick so long, bc im always too scared to leave something that once meant so much to me. our relationship was dead for so long before we actually broke up, it was dead for a good year.. but we kept pretending, and i kept making lists of the reasons that i should go, and then folding them neatly away into my journal and thinking of the reasons that i should stay.. which were always something like "bc you used to be so good to me" or "bc you used to make me smile." never because you still.., always because you used to.. and with you. its like, "i should stick around bc im so happy when yr here" but im not happy when yr not, or when you bail, or when yr saying one thing while doing another. BUT I WALKED AWAY FROM YOU ONCE BEFORE. why cant i do it again? is it bc i have so much guilt im carrying around from the whole drama with pushing chaz away? bc i turned my back on love then, and now i regret it? nfshtiuehtugysudfsjdkfnaksfhuestgsnfk.
i almost just had a heart attack. it seems that blogger is running all weird and my keys dont always make letters come up on it, so i typed this whole thing into an email on AOL and went to copy and paste it.. but when i hit crtl, i didnt hit c at the same time, and the WHOLE thing disappeared and only a "c" remained. but good old AOL has an undo button and all my words came back. yay.
im going to bed.
alkaline trio
hi. its like 415 in the morning. i worked tonight, it was way shitty, but work is work. anyway. i made no money i had the worst people *ever* in my station. i got $4 on $65, $3 on 55, and $4 on $41 all in like the same 8 minute period. i was like UGH one table after another of brits or ghetto. seriously, british people need to read that fucking tour book they have on the table, the part where it says we tip in america. i mean, how fucking hard would it be to read the book and realize that our customs arent the same, and that waiters dont make living wage in the us. UGH. i swear im not giving europeans directions to places anymore unless theyve already tipped me, and if it was a bad tip, then im giving them wrong directions.
but whatever. after work kim and i went on our date to the diner for valentines day. we had a lot of food. she got a tossed salad and a grilled cheddar cheese. i got two eggs over easy with white bread toast and melted american cheese, and a grilled cheddar with mashed potatoes. we shared the potatoes. she thinks i should eat more, you know, since i weigh 124 lbs right now which is unsane. i think its fine. ill waste away to nothing. who cares? anyway i got home just after 3:45. did the crossword puzzle, which i only got one letter wrong!!! now im here.
fought with the enigma yesterday, and thats really been on my mind. it was silly, i guess. i dont know. like.. ok. well last week i told him i was gonna be on LI monday and tuesday, and that we should get together. he agreed. monday he sent me a message saying that he had to work late, and was in a crappy mood and just wanted to go home. so i was like ok. tuesday we were texting all day, and then at like 430 i asked him if he was gonna be able to hang out that night, and he was like "possibly, i have to see if i have practice." so whatever, a bit later hes like "doh, i have practice, but are you free thursday?" so i said i'd be in brooklyn, but that i was free. fast forward to thursday. i sent him a message seeing if he was still coming, and hes like "heres the thing.. im in manhattan and i have to fix a ton of lights in this building, and i wanna go home and wash before i see you." so i figured he was still coming. but later he said "to be honest with you, i dont think im gonna make it today. im already exhausted. what do you think?" so i was like "im bummed. it sucks but.. whatever. some other time i guess." and basically i was just disappointed but i guess the words i used made it sound like i was having an attitude, and he was like "you dont understand?" and i was like "no i understand. just cos im upset doesnt mean i dont understand. its my fault, i know better than to get my hopes up." and he was like "you dont have to add yr smart remarks on the end of every text. you want me to feel bad bc i dont feel like driving another hour and to see you for two?" and i was like "im sorry that yr getting the wrong impression, i am not trying to make you feel bad. i completely understand, and i dont blame you. i promise." then a few minutes later i was like "i might be on LI sun and mon, so we can try for then, ok?" but he didnt respond so after like an hour i was like "are you mad? i didnt mean to upset you." and still no response. so he signs onto AIM and im like "hey are you mad?" and he was like "ahhhh.. no. not mad. disappointed i guess." so i said "disappointed about what?" and he was like "i dont wanna have to feel bad if i cant see you." .. so i dont know i was like trying to explain that i didnt mean anything and that i understand that hes busy and that i guess i used a poor word choice in my responses.. and he was like "yah but the 'whatever.. some other time' part sucked the most" and i tried to explain that "whatever" was meant like ill get over it not like "whatever" you suck, but i dont know. i told him that i think maybe he just expects me to be mad, and he was like "i guess i shouldnt let you know that im trying to see you" and i was like "no its not that, why would you do that?" and he said bc letting me know always ends up hurting my feelings, and i was like "dude, you havent hurt my feelings. im just disappointed." he was like "its not like i dont want to see you, you dont think i want to see you? i just dont want to get back into the car after driving an hour and half to drive another hour and get there and have to leave at 12." so like i was trying to explain to him that the things that used to upset me, like how infrequently he hangs out, doesnt really upset me anymore bc i dont have any expectations and i know him well enough to know that he is really busy. and he was just like "yah, i dont want to think about it. water under the bridge." then he was like "im gonna get some dinner" so i said "ok, well have a good night and if im gonna be on LI, i'll get in touch" and he was just like "bye." so i dont know if hes still mad at me.
but part of me *is* mad. i mean.. like when i think about it.. i think back to a few saturdays ago, when he fucking had that dream about me, and had to see me immediately, and drove into brooklyn just to drive me to work. and that day, they were playing upstate and he had to leave at 2. so i dont know, i mean, he had to travel here and back just to travel back past here again to go upstate.. and that was ok, bc *he* wanted to see *me*. but when its like lets hang out and im suggesting it, hes like "eh." plus i get soo confused, bc like when i told him last week that id be home monday and tuesday, he was like "aaah im so frustrated." and i asked why and he said "you know, its like it was gone for a while and now i got a taste of it and i want it all the time sorta thing." so. i dont know. he contradicts himself. just to spend two hours with me? well. thats two hours that we could watch a movie and make out.. and yr talking about wanting it all the time.. but when you have a chance, its like nah. so what the hell do you want? this is why yr my fucking enigma. bc yr a puzzle, i cant figure you out, it doesnt make sense. every time i think yr making a clear statement, you somehow manage to contradict it before my mind can process the first thought. what am i supposed to think, how i am supposed to feel, do you care, do you want to see me, is it just the sex? well. im not sure. bc a lot of the time, its all you talk about but sometimes its like.. 2 hours isnt enough quality time for you to want to drive back out and spend that time with me? then what is it? are you unhappy that you wont be able to spend hours with me? YOU NEVER SPEND HOURS WITH ME. the last time we spent a serious amount of time together was new years day, and you slept a good three hours of the only six you were with me. in august it was 3 hours. in september it was three hours. i didnt see you at all in october. in november it was three hours. even the other times.. i ran into you at the show and we talked for 15 minutes. you came out for an hour to drive me to work. then you came over that week again, and you got here at 850, and you left at 1230. 3.5 hours. so dont tell me this crap. there has got to be another girl in the picture. because seriously, if there isnt, he hasnt gotten any in two weeks, and he passed up THREE opportunities, TWO of which i was a 15 minute drive from him, not an hour.
all i want is a clear sign, even if it hurts. even if you tell me that there is someone else, and that you dont think it should be this way, even if its to tell me that things are over. or if you decide that we should just be friends without the intimacy, like you did in may, you should fucking stick to it. because when you told me that it would probably be best for us, or for me, if we cut out the making out, you didnt last ONE time. not once. i cant remember the chronology, but i know we had the talk the week before the alkaline trio show. and i saw you at the show and it was awkward, but then i guess maybe you came out, and whatever happened, bc i know that you were in connecticut, and you wanted me to come and keep you company.. so something must have happened, and you confuse me. WHAT DO YOU WANT? if you cant make up yr mind, then FUCKING SET ME FREE. im not strong enough to let go without you pushing me away. i have this fucking complex.. and im ever the optomist, and im so hopeful that things will change, and that if i walk away, itll be my fault for turning my back on love. thats why i stayed with nick so long, bc im always too scared to leave something that once meant so much to me. our relationship was dead for so long before we actually broke up, it was dead for a good year.. but we kept pretending, and i kept making lists of the reasons that i should go, and then folding them neatly away into my journal and thinking of the reasons that i should stay.. which were always something like "bc you used to be so good to me" or "bc you used to make me smile." never because you still.., always because you used to.. and with you. its like, "i should stick around bc im so happy when yr here" but im not happy when yr not, or when you bail, or when yr saying one thing while doing another. BUT I WALKED AWAY FROM YOU ONCE BEFORE. why cant i do it again? is it bc i have so much guilt im carrying around from the whole drama with pushing chaz away? bc i turned my back on love then, and now i regret it? nfshtiuehtugysudfsjdkfnaksfhuestgsnfk.
i almost just had a heart attack. it seems that blogger is running all weird and my keys dont always make letters come up on it, so i typed this whole thing into an email on AOL and went to copy and paste it.. but when i hit crtl, i didnt hit c at the same time, and the WHOLE thing disappeared and only a "c" remained. but good old AOL has an undo button and all my words came back. yay.
im going to bed.
Subscribe to Comments [Atom]