is it too late to heal?

*so this is odd, the painful realization that all is gone wrong and nobody cares at all.. and nobody cares at all. so you buried all yr lovers clothes and burned the letters lover wrote, but it doesnt make it any better, does it make it any better? and the plaster dented from yr fist in the hall where you had yr first kiss reminds you that the memories will fade.. so this is strange, our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance where nody leads at all, where nobody leads at all.. and the picture frames are facing down and the ringing from this empty sound is deafening and keeping you from sleep.. and breathing is a foreign task and thinking's just too much to ask and yr measuring yr minutes by a clock that blinking eights. this is incredible, starving, insatiable, yes this is love for the first time. well youd like to think that you are invincible yah well werent we all once before we felt loss for the first time. well this is the last time. this is the last time. this is the last time.*
dashboard confessional

i just got home from work like 25 minutes ago. at 3 am! i was so mad. there was an "incident" holding up my E train, and then i just missed a G, so i had to wait 25 minutes for another one. im full of snot right now, i want to purge myself of it, but no. my head feels stuffy, and my ears keep popping. it almost feels like when yr at a higher altitude. and it sucks i hate it. im cold and tired and i feel like hell. and i have to get up at 1030 tmorrow to go to work for stupid valentines day. stupid stupid valentines day. i was depressed all night because no one loves me. not *depressed* but you know. so shasta said "i love you!" and she made me this cute little card that said "gille and her future husband" and she drew me (with bangs.. i was like "are you saying i should get bangs?" hehe) and a boy (with spikey hair) saying "gee i love gille!" on the front. on the inside she wrote "just wait.. in time it will come!! :) yaay!! <3 shasta" and she even colored the hearts in and the picture on the front with crayons from the host desk. i guess valentines day just makes me jealous. i was talking to justin and i asked him if they (meaning he and shasta) had anything exciting planned for tomorrow, and he said "well, if you mean not being here as exciting, then yes. were going to do laundry." and i was like "at least you have someone to do laundry with..." *sigh* i think im tired of being single. its been a year and a half, and ive discovered myself and i love myself and im ready to love someone else. i mean.. i dont know. there are some things i dont think i really wanna give up yet, like taking up the whole bed. but at the same time, itd be nice to cuddle maybe a few nights a week. i could compromise on taking up the whole bed a couple of times a week.. plus i guess i like that i can flirt with whomever i want, whenever i want. because im sorta good at flirting, and it would be a pity if i had to stop on account of a significant other.

i think that my problem is in the fact that im too old for boys, but i dont like men. the guys i go for are boyish and immature in a lot of ways. they wanna remain as they were in high school or college, they want to keep a lifestyle of always moving around and playing shows and hanging out with their boys. i dont like grown ups. i dont want to be a grown up, and i cant see myself with a suit. i mean.. i dont know what i mean, really, i just dont think i would be happy with some wall street dude who is only concerned with making money to buy material things and therefore buy happiness. i dont care about those things. i want to be happy with my life and the people in it, i dont need mountains of goods and services, or vacations, or country clubs, or yachts. i want a home and some kids and some cats. i dont care if we cant afford the finer things. ive chosen to become a teacher because i want to be a teacher. its obviously not a job that makes the big bucks (although it should! teachers educate.. and it fuckin blows my mind that entertainers make millions while teachers make like $40,000 tops, but thats a whole nother story....). i think that even if i won the lottery or something, i would still be a teacher. im not dollar driven, and i cant see myself with anyone who is. which is hard, bc ive realized that even people who say they are doing what theyre doing bc it makes them happy usually still secretly hope theyll make it big somehow. like the boys in bands.. (ie 99% of the boys ive dated).. they are always so true to the hardcore scene and say they play bc they love it and blah blah, but seriously, if some record company came along and said "hey, play this song and we'll sign you" most of them would be like "ok, peace hardcore.. hello produced pop punk!" maybe im too idealistic, and i have expectations that are too high. but why should i settle? im not going to, i know that. i might settle a little, but i think that i will end up with some artist or musician or intellectual, someone not working a job they hate to make ends meet. or being something they think they love because it provides them with things. im a simple girl. i need a simple boy.

i need to cut my nails again. they are interfering with my guitar playing abilities. i also need to go to sleep. *sigh* i took the nyquil, so at least it shouldnt be too hard tonight....