is it too late to heal?

tonight.. so bizarre. i dont really know what to make of it. i mean. he got here, and i was really excited to see him.. we went to blockbuster and rented wrong turn bc bring it on again was sold out (!!!!!!!!!). we played guitar which was fun then we put on the movie. and we actually watched it. we cuddled and watched the movie. i was way drawn into it. it was totally a rip off of an episode of x-files, without the x-filesy stuff, like no FBI involvement. then whatever happened and i guess i just fell flat. like things were awesome, making out was really good. i think i guess ive finally given up on us. and that kinda hurts.. because i want to hold onto this dream that someday we'll be together, but its less and less tangible. and tonight was really hard, because we did have a good time the whole time, and i would really love for that to be the us.. but it isnt. the us is what takes place afterward. i dont know. we talked for a little while, and i was like "i think you should just play until yr through playing." he said that he wanted to be a teacher if he had to have a real job.. and i was like "you could totally do that whenever yr ready" but i dont know, he made excuses. then we sort of argued over bands that sell out. cos he likes against me!'s latest cd, and i dont. he was like "they used to be like an acoustic band" and i was like "yah, they used to be anarchopunk." he defended them, and said that they felt like writing something different. and he was like "is it cos they signed to fat?" and i was like no. i dont know. it was just weird, we actually argued about something. then he said that the only way theyd keep playing when theyre old is if they were like blink 182.. and i was like "really?!" and he said "yah, if we want to make money, its not gonna be in hardcare. it only makes it if its poppy. everything has a hook." i guess i just didnt expect that from him. we usually share a lot of the same opinions. i felt miles away from him tonight after that. because that conversation turned into good charlotte, and then i was telling him about how kim and i went to urban outfitters and mocked people, and it just felt weird. but he did tell me that he wouldnt like me anymore if i turned hipster, so we still have something in common.. but he wasnt especially cuddly, which was weird, he said it was because he was thinking about leaving and he didnt wanna be too cozy cos he'd fall asleep (which is probably true).. so he got up, and i walked him to the car, where he gave me the worst hug ever. and i called him on it. i was like "that might actually have been the weakest hug you have ever given me." he said he was just in a weird mood.. and i was like "what did i do wrong?" and he said nothing, that it was just a weird mood.. i dunno though. he hugged me again, this time it was a really good hug, then i kissed him.. and he kissed me a bunch of times. he just sent me a message that he was home, and he said thanks for everything, and that he had a really good time.. but i dont know. im in this weird mood now, im really bummed. i wish that things were how they were when it was fresh and new and .. i dont know. when i still had hope for a future. when i still had the delusion that he had feelings for me. he hasnt spent the night in forever. we havent woken up together since the first week of june. i asked him about that slumber party he promised me last month, and he said he didnt think he would be able to have a sleepover for a while, bc of his moms broken ankle. i think he just doesnt feel like he has to anymore.. because the illusion os over. maybe this is just temporary. maybe tomorrow ill wake up and ill still be in love.. i guess ive felt like this before, and ive recovered from it with feelings as strong as before. i just dont understand how this happened.. my last post was crazy happy and excited to see him, and he seemed way excited to see me.. and now im just flat and alone.

*..[your] smell, it lingers in my sheets and in my shirts. it teases my memory, from time to time..* grade