is it too late to heal?

today was one of the days that i love being a teacher. like LOVE love. so i may be only a sub, but since im the social studies sub, i get to meet a lot of kids. last week, one kid made me a mix cd of songs he thought i would like (we have the same taste in music), and i LOVED it. aaaand the same day, another kid brought me his band's cd, since the day before i had mentioned i liked bane cos he was wearing a bane hoodie. he was like "since you like bane, you might like this." which rocked. that day was awesome.but today was better. at the beginning of the year, i was leave replacement for this lady cheryl for a month and a half, so i know her kids really well. yesterday and today i subbed her classes for the millionth time (she's always out), and she left this really boring crossword puzzle for them to do. so instead we were being silly most of the day. first period was fun, with grace singing "karma chameleon" and jim drawing charicatures of students on the board. second period was awesome. they are in 9th grade, and they are the coolest 14 and 15 year old's you will ever meet in yr entire life. all the girls listen to the same music as i do lol. soo kelly took my cell phone and she was going through my names asking me who the people were. then she found the ring tones, and we listened to "hands down" (my regular ring), "milkshake" (candace's ring), something corporate, new found glory.. they were dancing to "milkshake," it was very funny. then angie and i talked about this providence and brand new and other assorted bands. i didnt feel like wearing my watch, so they saw my tattoo, and they hadnt ever seen it before.. kelly was like "DIZ!! you are soooo emo!!!" and she called over meredith, angie, and jess to come look. she's like "its a heart with a crack!" which was awesome in itself, since most people look at it and say its a broken heart. i think of it as a cracked heart. so she took my pen, and above my tattoo, she wrote "emo."fifth period pretty much refused to do their work, which was fine with me. the class only has 10 kids in it, and so max and i were talking about music the whooole time. that made me super happy, since max hated me for a little while. one time i subbed a class he was in, and a bunch of his friends were in there, and they were acting up and i left a note for their teacher.. so he didn't talk to me for like 2 months cos he got detention for it. however, today he decided to be cool again, and we spent the period talking about shows, and glassjaw, the movielife, taking back sunday.. and it was cool, i mean, this kid is FIFTEEN, and he's telling me about how he heard those bands used to play at peoples houses and stuff, and i was like "yah, i was there!" and we talked about hardcore and metal and even emo, though his image is definitely more.. i dont know.. deftones, to me. thats probably a poor example. but thats the only way my head can describe it. also, max, liz, and i talked about how bad drugs are. like the holes you get in yr brain from ecstasy, and how bad meth is. it stemmed from talking about donnie darko and stud. but anyway, it was awesome that those kids were against drugs. npt kids loooove drugs, no joke. and then there is 8th period. when i was their teacher, they were hell. i loved them, i thought they were awesome kids, but they just could not stop talking and being crazy. however, now they hate their regular teacher, and i feel like a divorced parent. every time i see chrissy, shes like "i swear ill be good if you come back!" awwwww. so they are on their best behavior when i come now. but today, we could be chatty and silly, because we only had busy work to do. andy and scott are in this band called alien soup, and they asked if i would buy their cd when they record it. i was like "yr not giving me one for free??" and they agreed that they would give it to me for a hug instead of $5. haha. so scott plays guitar, and he broke his G string, so all period he kept commenting on his "G string".. "my G string broke" or "my G string is fraying." all dirty like. and millions of other assorted things. verrrry silly. brittani demanded that i download mae and lux courageous. pam made me listen to armor for sleep on her ipod. and i loved all of it. i told them i'd download them tonight. the best part of the day, though, came that same period, but from a really troubled kid. about a month ago, someone found a suicide note in the hall at school. it was being passed around the departments, to try and figure out who the kid was from the handwriting (it was not signed), and it turned out to be one of the kids from cheryl's 8th period. when i was his teacher, i didnt think he liked me, but now i see that he is very depressed. however, i have made a big effort to reach out to him very subtley, without letting him know that i know about his note. the last few times ive been in there, ive tried to smile when i talk to him, and we have talked about music a little. a few times ago, he played my chemical romance on his ipod for me, and we started talking about it, since i hadnt really heard them before. so yesterday we had a review session for their upcoming test, and i made sure to call on him when he raised his hand. at the end of the period, we were all talking, and i noticed he had cuts on the inside of his arm. it looked like a scrape, but it was wayyy too big. i came home really concerned about him yesterday, but i wasnt sure what to do. i mean, he's obviously already been singled out, he is probably getting school counseling, and i was afraid to say something to him. i needed time to think about what to do. and then today, he trusted me. i was making the rounds, talking to andy and scott, and this other kid (i know im posting this blog as only for friends to see, but i still feel a need to protect his confidentiality) moved his desk over and talked to me about how tuesday was self injury awareness day (the tues that just passed).. and then he told me he was a former cutter, and he showed me his arm. i told him that those cuts looked fresh, and he said his mom had found his razor, and now he is getting better. he said it's really hard to stop when you cut yrself. so i said maybe we should do a program about self injury awareness, and he told me that he and a friend were trying to start a group to raise awareness. i was really happy that he told me all this, and i told him that if he wants any help from faculty, that he should definitely let me know, because i would do anything i could to help them. i feel like he trusts me, and that hopefully i can help him in some small way to overcome it and help other kids to understand self hatred and cutting and self esteem things. it just really made me feel good to know he was telling me this stuff. teachers are so important. i mean, not to toot the horn of my profession, but seriously, kids need teachers. yah, they need family and friends, but they also need somewhat objective adults who technically dont owe them anything to help them and to guide them. this is why i love working with teenagers. i get them, i was a teenager not too long ago, and i was pretty depressed. i know what its like to feel like you dont fit in (and/or to not necessarily want to), i know what it feels like to feel worthless and inadequate (thanks to many boys who refused to appreciate me and also a few girls who i thought were my friends), and i know how it is to feel terribly alone. but i have, for the most part, overcome that, and now i can help others in some way. and i know that ive touched a lot of these kids' lives. i wish i had had a teacher i could relate to in high school, maybe i wouldnt have felt lost then, or for the years that followed. maybe i wouldnt have felt alone. if i could positively impact just one kid a year, i would feel so good about myself. and this year, i already have, and i feel like i have bonded with so many more. i fucking love being a teacher.