Sunday, March 13, 2005
*you touch her skin and then you think that she is beautiful but she dont mean a thing to me*
death cab for cutie
i have become a terrible blogger. i hate it. i wish i was still posting all the time. im letting bits of my life disappear, pass unrecorded.
so there was dave. he was a nice guy, i thought. we had dinner together at the california diner one night, and we had a good time and i thought he was cute. so then we went on a pie date, went out to briomere farms, got a pie, hung out at a north shore beach out past mattituck.. had dinner, went to best buy, ended up going to his place to watch movies, and i spent the night because we fell asleep on the couch. for real. i respected him because he didnt try to sleep with me, even though we shared a bed. we had breakfast on sunday, and he brought me home. then a few days later we went out to ikea and had dinner, went to his apartment to assemble the lamps he purchased, and i ended up spending the night again. then saturday we had plans but he started to get a little shady on me. friday night he was supposed to call me and he didnt. then saturday he picked me up and we had lunch and he was like "i dont feel good" and he wanted to go home. so i asked if he wanted me to come with him, we could watch a movie.. he said hed like that, so we went to best buy for him to pick up his computer, and when we got to his place, he spent 3.5 hours putting it together and setting it up. i got annoyed. we watched saved and had dinner, things werent awesome. so he tells me hes taking me home that night, which was really weird. whatever. so we made out for a while and then he said it was time to go, and i was like alright, but it wasnt cool cos all day i was getting weird vibes, like that he didnt want to hang out. so i called him on it, and we argued a little. he said he appreciated my honesty and he hadnt realized it had been so long on the computer blah blah. so he drops me off, and says he'll call me. he doesnt. its tuesday, and the snow sucks, so i call him. no answer. wednesday i sent him a quick email, just like "hey, was wondering how yr feeling. give me a call" no response. wed night i ended up calling him again bc i was going to a wake on thurs and he had said he wanted to hang out thurs when he was taking me home sat night.. so no answer again. im like whatever, but then thursday i get this feeling that something isnt right, and i sign on with another screen name, and viola! he is signed onto AIM.. and he has BLOCKED me. like, how high school is this? you decide its not working, you dont want to see me anymore, and rather than be a man and say so, you HIDE? 26 going on 15? is that what this was? i swear, joe is 26, also, and they are both like teenage boys.
not to change the subject, but joe hasnt even tried to get in touch or to make me stay. he has let me go. it hurts and i hate it. and he has all these comments on myspace now from 17 & 18 year old girls. so i guess what it was, was that im too old for him. nikole was 19 (actually she was 1 the whole time she was seeing him), arizona/oregon is 21. so i guess thats the problem. 17!! jesus christ, you are almost 27! thats like me hanging out with my students!! but i miss him, and i miss him incredibly, at that. i wish we could talk about it. that he would have tried to change my mind. that he would have somehow right then knew he needed me......
im so stupid!
anyway. that wake.. it was intense. it was toms mom. tom is my favorite student. i feel so bad for him. i wish i could change it. he is going to have to grow up real fast from his little 15 year old world. it isnt fair, he is too sweet for this. i went to the wake with claire and theresa, we gave our condolences and then we left because it was weird. i didnt go to the casket, but i could see her, and i didnt like it. i cried a bit. i couldnt think of anything to say to tom. i just squeezed his hand. i cannot deal with death.
last night michael called me at 230am. he was in brooklyn at trash bar, and he was pissed. apparently michelle made him go to this party with her, and he hates the city, so he was mad because he had to drive so he couldnt drink, and she was trashed and being the drunk girlfriend, and he hated her and didnt want her anywhere near him. he bitched about it for like 20 minutes. he didnt call me today like he was supposed to, but he texted me at like 1045, and it was like "sorry i didnt call, not a good time to talk" so maybe he finally broke up with her. which would be good, because i dont like her even though i havent met her. i feel justified in my not liking her, though, because mike doesnt think we would like each other. so there.
twon came to visit today. we had lunch and then we went to montauk. we found snail shells and took pretty pictures of sunset and rocks and all kinds of things. if i wasnt the laziest girl ever, i would photobucket some pics from today but eh. maybe tomorrow. i doubt it though. im pretty tired though, so its not my fault.
i have like a hundred thousand bills to pay right now. its really making me unhappy. i owe my car payment, my car insurance, my computer payment, and two student loans. i already paid my cell phone and the credit card. but i only have like 550 in the bank. the car payment is 264, leaving me like 240.. 100 for the computer, and then i dont have enough left over for car insurance anddddd the loans. i filed my taxes on feb 23 i think, so my money should get direct deposited into my account this week, but i need it nooooow. its only 800, but it will obviously help. oh and i owe my mom 700. YAY. im never going to be financially stable. i hate money i hate it i hate it. its almost summer though, and i better make a shit ton of money waiting tables. i need to pay some crap down, like pay off mom and the computer. the loans are going to take years. i hate money.
i dont know if i ever talked about shawn. he gave me a cookie for valentines day, he is a PE teacher. he asked me for my number when i saw him at the basketball game i went to, and i have it to him, but he never called. so i saw him in the cafeteria on tuesday, and he called me over to him, and he was like "oh hey i meant to call you but when i got home i didnt have yr number anymore" and it wassss really windy that day, so i let it go. and i gave it to him again. so i pointed him out to claire at the conference thing friday and she was like "oh hes sooo cute" so i was gushing, but he fucking still hasnt called me. i mean, i know its not going to be love because um, i am like the antiathletic.. but. maybe we could get along. i dunno, i mean i get nervous when he talks to me. which is more than i could have said for dave. i felt like i was in control of that up until he pulled a cute 15 year old thing. i want him to call me, but he hasnt. i figure he should have by now. its SATURDAY. and its 130. so not today. argh.
im so over guys, anyway. it doesnt matter. at all!
my eyes hurt. im watching court tv. i watched discovery before, two shows on volcanoes. because i fucking love volcanoes, especially whilst they are erupting. right now i am watching body of evidence or something. dayle hinman. i want to go to hawaii so bad. i like, NEED to see a volcano, especially kilauea, which has been erupting continuously since 1983!!!!!! i neeeeeeed to gooooo therereereeee.
blah blah blah blah blah. i miss joe and i wish he was here with his belly against mine. i had to say it. its true. it makes me mad. i wish he would go to europe and not come back. i think im going to be alone forever now that hes gone. i dont think i could ever relate to someone else on a day-to-day basis. im tired of men, im tired of the meanness. my mom and emily both are convinced that i will marry michael one day. i dont know though. i mean, i dont think we could do it, i think we would fight a lot. we disagree on practically everything. i dont think he could deal with me. he has me totally figured out, he is aware of the fact that i have rules and methods preplanned for absolutely any situation that could arise, and he thinks i am rigid (i am).. but most boys dont notice crap like that. its a piece of personality they miss and therefore dont have to deal with it. michael knows all my rules and he constantly wonders how i leave the house each day because he thinks that i make everything exremely complicated. i disagree, because i think that having thought out rules and processes, i dont have to think. i just do, i follow the patterns that i need, i drive the same route to work every day, i know exactly where i should light each of the 4 cigarettes i smoke on the way to work, i like things that smell like peaches, but i prefer my car to smell like coconut. my covers have to be a certain way on my bed, and i yell at him for messing them up and not getting into the bed more carefully. i save everything. im a control freak, i dont like my processes to be interupted and i hate when people try to get me to change my rules.
maybe thats what i need. maybe i need someone who would challenge me to live, rather than going through rote methods like i do every day. someone to help me to let go of the rigidity and my uptight personality. or maybe what i need is joe, who makes me laugh and is stupid and silly and tells corny jokes. to other girls. who notice that about him, too. fuck.
nothing he ever did with me was orginal. i was one of many girls he strins along real good. i wonder if hes fucking the 18 year old, too. well, he isnt fucking me. so too wouldnt really count. he has to be. ew. thats so ... i dont know, dirty. he is too old for her. ugh. i need to stop thinking about it. i was nothing that meant anything. i meant nothing to him. he used the same lines. he probably did the "like camping" thing to like every other girl hes ever tried to get with. actually, its probably his line. fuck. i cant believe i fell for all this bullshit.
actually, i can.
my ass hurts. from driving all day. from sitting here on the floor. i wish i could smoke inside. i am so over going outside. its like 140am. i dont WANNA put my coat on. its march 13. that means my bday is in 3 weeks. my job ends in 2.5 months. aaand 5.5 months till i can hopefully be out of here and back in my own place where i can smoke wherever the fuck i want, whenever i want. ha. i think i can do it. i have passed the halfway point, as long as i adhere to the out in september timetable i have mentally set up for myself.
i am impressed with my ability to type without looking, and the speed with which i type. i always look at the keyboard, mainly because i am insecure, but i am doing this without looking. i do make mistakes, but not nearly as many as i thought i would. i feel like my hands are thinking on their own. i am not making them move. i am just thinking the words and my fingers are using their independent brains to make the words i think appear on the screen in front of me. because honestly, i dont think if you asked me where the k was on the keyboard, if i even know. my fingers know, i dont. weeeird. someone explain this to me, how it works. why my fingers know the keyboard map, but my mind cant picture it.
enough!
i am going to smoke a cigarette, and then i am going to sit back down and think about all the places i would rather be then here, how no schools have called me back STILL, how no one will ever love me except for mike, who i dont know if i even want to love me forever. how there is about to be nothing on tv. my eyes, they still burn.
death cab for cutie
i have become a terrible blogger. i hate it. i wish i was still posting all the time. im letting bits of my life disappear, pass unrecorded.
so there was dave. he was a nice guy, i thought. we had dinner together at the california diner one night, and we had a good time and i thought he was cute. so then we went on a pie date, went out to briomere farms, got a pie, hung out at a north shore beach out past mattituck.. had dinner, went to best buy, ended up going to his place to watch movies, and i spent the night because we fell asleep on the couch. for real. i respected him because he didnt try to sleep with me, even though we shared a bed. we had breakfast on sunday, and he brought me home. then a few days later we went out to ikea and had dinner, went to his apartment to assemble the lamps he purchased, and i ended up spending the night again. then saturday we had plans but he started to get a little shady on me. friday night he was supposed to call me and he didnt. then saturday he picked me up and we had lunch and he was like "i dont feel good" and he wanted to go home. so i asked if he wanted me to come with him, we could watch a movie.. he said hed like that, so we went to best buy for him to pick up his computer, and when we got to his place, he spent 3.5 hours putting it together and setting it up. i got annoyed. we watched saved and had dinner, things werent awesome. so he tells me hes taking me home that night, which was really weird. whatever. so we made out for a while and then he said it was time to go, and i was like alright, but it wasnt cool cos all day i was getting weird vibes, like that he didnt want to hang out. so i called him on it, and we argued a little. he said he appreciated my honesty and he hadnt realized it had been so long on the computer blah blah. so he drops me off, and says he'll call me. he doesnt. its tuesday, and the snow sucks, so i call him. no answer. wednesday i sent him a quick email, just like "hey, was wondering how yr feeling. give me a call" no response. wed night i ended up calling him again bc i was going to a wake on thurs and he had said he wanted to hang out thurs when he was taking me home sat night.. so no answer again. im like whatever, but then thursday i get this feeling that something isnt right, and i sign on with another screen name, and viola! he is signed onto AIM.. and he has BLOCKED me. like, how high school is this? you decide its not working, you dont want to see me anymore, and rather than be a man and say so, you HIDE? 26 going on 15? is that what this was? i swear, joe is 26, also, and they are both like teenage boys.
not to change the subject, but joe hasnt even tried to get in touch or to make me stay. he has let me go. it hurts and i hate it. and he has all these comments on myspace now from 17 & 18 year old girls. so i guess what it was, was that im too old for him. nikole was 19 (actually she was 1 the whole time she was seeing him), arizona/oregon is 21. so i guess thats the problem. 17!! jesus christ, you are almost 27! thats like me hanging out with my students!! but i miss him, and i miss him incredibly, at that. i wish we could talk about it. that he would have tried to change my mind. that he would have somehow right then knew he needed me......
im so stupid!
anyway. that wake.. it was intense. it was toms mom. tom is my favorite student. i feel so bad for him. i wish i could change it. he is going to have to grow up real fast from his little 15 year old world. it isnt fair, he is too sweet for this. i went to the wake with claire and theresa, we gave our condolences and then we left because it was weird. i didnt go to the casket, but i could see her, and i didnt like it. i cried a bit. i couldnt think of anything to say to tom. i just squeezed his hand. i cannot deal with death.
last night michael called me at 230am. he was in brooklyn at trash bar, and he was pissed. apparently michelle made him go to this party with her, and he hates the city, so he was mad because he had to drive so he couldnt drink, and she was trashed and being the drunk girlfriend, and he hated her and didnt want her anywhere near him. he bitched about it for like 20 minutes. he didnt call me today like he was supposed to, but he texted me at like 1045, and it was like "sorry i didnt call, not a good time to talk" so maybe he finally broke up with her. which would be good, because i dont like her even though i havent met her. i feel justified in my not liking her, though, because mike doesnt think we would like each other. so there.
twon came to visit today. we had lunch and then we went to montauk. we found snail shells and took pretty pictures of sunset and rocks and all kinds of things. if i wasnt the laziest girl ever, i would photobucket some pics from today but eh. maybe tomorrow. i doubt it though. im pretty tired though, so its not my fault.
i have like a hundred thousand bills to pay right now. its really making me unhappy. i owe my car payment, my car insurance, my computer payment, and two student loans. i already paid my cell phone and the credit card. but i only have like 550 in the bank. the car payment is 264, leaving me like 240.. 100 for the computer, and then i dont have enough left over for car insurance anddddd the loans. i filed my taxes on feb 23 i think, so my money should get direct deposited into my account this week, but i need it nooooow. its only 800, but it will obviously help. oh and i owe my mom 700. YAY. im never going to be financially stable. i hate money i hate it i hate it. its almost summer though, and i better make a shit ton of money waiting tables. i need to pay some crap down, like pay off mom and the computer. the loans are going to take years. i hate money.
i dont know if i ever talked about shawn. he gave me a cookie for valentines day, he is a PE teacher. he asked me for my number when i saw him at the basketball game i went to, and i have it to him, but he never called. so i saw him in the cafeteria on tuesday, and he called me over to him, and he was like "oh hey i meant to call you but when i got home i didnt have yr number anymore" and it wassss really windy that day, so i let it go. and i gave it to him again. so i pointed him out to claire at the conference thing friday and she was like "oh hes sooo cute" so i was gushing, but he fucking still hasnt called me. i mean, i know its not going to be love because um, i am like the antiathletic.. but. maybe we could get along. i dunno, i mean i get nervous when he talks to me. which is more than i could have said for dave. i felt like i was in control of that up until he pulled a cute 15 year old thing. i want him to call me, but he hasnt. i figure he should have by now. its SATURDAY. and its 130. so not today. argh.
im so over guys, anyway. it doesnt matter. at all!
my eyes hurt. im watching court tv. i watched discovery before, two shows on volcanoes. because i fucking love volcanoes, especially whilst they are erupting. right now i am watching body of evidence or something. dayle hinman. i want to go to hawaii so bad. i like, NEED to see a volcano, especially kilauea, which has been erupting continuously since 1983!!!!!! i neeeeeeed to gooooo therereereeee.
blah blah blah blah blah. i miss joe and i wish he was here with his belly against mine. i had to say it. its true. it makes me mad. i wish he would go to europe and not come back. i think im going to be alone forever now that hes gone. i dont think i could ever relate to someone else on a day-to-day basis. im tired of men, im tired of the meanness. my mom and emily both are convinced that i will marry michael one day. i dont know though. i mean, i dont think we could do it, i think we would fight a lot. we disagree on practically everything. i dont think he could deal with me. he has me totally figured out, he is aware of the fact that i have rules and methods preplanned for absolutely any situation that could arise, and he thinks i am rigid (i am).. but most boys dont notice crap like that. its a piece of personality they miss and therefore dont have to deal with it. michael knows all my rules and he constantly wonders how i leave the house each day because he thinks that i make everything exremely complicated. i disagree, because i think that having thought out rules and processes, i dont have to think. i just do, i follow the patterns that i need, i drive the same route to work every day, i know exactly where i should light each of the 4 cigarettes i smoke on the way to work, i like things that smell like peaches, but i prefer my car to smell like coconut. my covers have to be a certain way on my bed, and i yell at him for messing them up and not getting into the bed more carefully. i save everything. im a control freak, i dont like my processes to be interupted and i hate when people try to get me to change my rules.
maybe thats what i need. maybe i need someone who would challenge me to live, rather than going through rote methods like i do every day. someone to help me to let go of the rigidity and my uptight personality. or maybe what i need is joe, who makes me laugh and is stupid and silly and tells corny jokes. to other girls. who notice that about him, too. fuck.
nothing he ever did with me was orginal. i was one of many girls he strins along real good. i wonder if hes fucking the 18 year old, too. well, he isnt fucking me. so too wouldnt really count. he has to be. ew. thats so ... i dont know, dirty. he is too old for her. ugh. i need to stop thinking about it. i was nothing that meant anything. i meant nothing to him. he used the same lines. he probably did the "like camping" thing to like every other girl hes ever tried to get with. actually, its probably his line. fuck. i cant believe i fell for all this bullshit.
actually, i can.
my ass hurts. from driving all day. from sitting here on the floor. i wish i could smoke inside. i am so over going outside. its like 140am. i dont WANNA put my coat on. its march 13. that means my bday is in 3 weeks. my job ends in 2.5 months. aaand 5.5 months till i can hopefully be out of here and back in my own place where i can smoke wherever the fuck i want, whenever i want. ha. i think i can do it. i have passed the halfway point, as long as i adhere to the out in september timetable i have mentally set up for myself.
i am impressed with my ability to type without looking, and the speed with which i type. i always look at the keyboard, mainly because i am insecure, but i am doing this without looking. i do make mistakes, but not nearly as many as i thought i would. i feel like my hands are thinking on their own. i am not making them move. i am just thinking the words and my fingers are using their independent brains to make the words i think appear on the screen in front of me. because honestly, i dont think if you asked me where the k was on the keyboard, if i even know. my fingers know, i dont. weeeird. someone explain this to me, how it works. why my fingers know the keyboard map, but my mind cant picture it.
enough!
i am going to smoke a cigarette, and then i am going to sit back down and think about all the places i would rather be then here, how no schools have called me back STILL, how no one will ever love me except for mike, who i dont know if i even want to love me forever. how there is about to be nothing on tv. my eyes, they still burn.
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