Friday, August 06, 2004
*every now and then i get a little bit terrified, but then i see the look in yr eyes*
bonnie tyler
oh my fucking lord. i am so tired. so so so so so tired. the breakdown is that we left here on time, got to mike's in good time, like 35 or 40 mins.. it was a fun ride, we sang the hits of 1981 and 1983, including "maniac" and "true" and "do you really want to hurt me?" all of which were good times. we got to his house, and then we had MAJOR computer trouble. first the computer hooked to the printer wasnt working. then he loaded the printer on his lap top, but we discovered that he only has wordpad on there, and its IMPOSSIBLE to do anything on that program. so i started to panic and i was going to cry. but then he went into his sisters room cos she was in the shower, and we printed everything in there real quick. phew. he made a pb&j, then we were back on the road. the tired REALLY hit me there. i started feeling like a zombie. i said "what if i wastefully expended my last wind on 'maniac'?" and we laughed. we made really good time getting to the school also, which was yay. we got there like 30 mins early, and so he quizzed me on my lesson plan. then at 815 i went in. ......
those kids, man, they were bastards. they would not pay attention. they would not stop talking. they would not focus on the group work assignment. they said stupid things. on purpose. when i was circulating during their group work, one kid asked me: "why are these 4 people watching you, are you trying to get a raise?" and i was like "ha" and i walked away. i kept myself in good spirits, i joked with them a little, there were 6 kids in the "3" group, and i was like "yah.... there's only supposed to be 4 3's. so i *know* two of you are 2's." i dunno, i just talk to them like i would my friends, and it usually works, and i feel like it did today, but at the same time they were sooooo awful. i finished the lesson right at 855, and i talked to the chair guy again on the way out. he told me they had more demo lessons to see today, but that i would hear from them soon, and he wished me luck. and told me to get some sleep. i thanked him, and went out to the car. michael was asleep in the back seat. i got in and i was like "lets go." he was sort of out of it, but woke up and climbed over the seat into the driverseat. and i was like "can we please just go?" and then he was like "are you ok?" and i totally lost it, i started crying, i was like "they were fucking little bastards, i worked so hard on this stupid fucking lesson plan, i havent slept in 24 hours, all i want is a stupid fucking job, and they RUINED it!" and i was sobbing.. he reached over and unclicked my seatbelt and pulled me over and hugged me and rubbed the back of my neck and said a whole bunch of reassuring things. it was really sweet. sometimes i think its weird that we arent more than friends. i mean, we spend like *all* of our free time together, he sleeps over all the time, we take turns paying for meals a lot of the time, we share stuff, he goes into my liquor supply without asking. you know.. i always say its like having a boyfriend but not getting any. sometimes i wonder if the only reason i havent added a physical aspect to our already boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is because of the enigma boy. because i reallllly care about mike, hes one of my best friends, and if our relationship went anywhere, i wouldnt want to risk destroying our friendship by fucking things up. and i *know* the my attraction to the enigma is still sooo strong that if i hung out with him, there is a good chance that something would happen, even though i was in a relationship. but maybe things with mike are plain platonic. i really cant imagine myself being intimate with him. the idea sort of freaks me out, in fact. but lately we've been spatially closer. like the other day when he was at my moms with me watching tv, he was laying down on the bottom half of my bed with the cat, so when i came in from the bathroom, i just sat up on the pillows, and put my legs out, like with bent knees. after a while my knees were a little painful, so i laid my legs out in front of me and my foot was kinda on his belly, and he was stroking my calf for a while. then today when we were in bed after i got a call from the school (i have gone off on a tangent, will explain why they called momentarily) i was telling him what they said while laying in his arms with my head on his chest. and it was comfortable, but i didnt want to prolong the experience bc i dont wanna complicate things. but anyway. i dont know. hes just this weird aspect of my life.. but then, i do this all the time.. i mean, tom and i were like this freshman year, we were practically inseperable, we spent all of our time together and went into each others things without asking.. and this is how i was with my friend chris the summer after freshman year.. so i dont know. maybe its just one of those things where you have a super connection to someone but it isnt romantic.
ok so anyhow, i called my mom and vented, then my dad, and then i felt better. i realized that they would probably look at my lesson plan and see it was very good and organized and smart, and realize that these are bastard summer school 15 year olds. so i decided that at that point, i was pulling for one of the part-time positions, since after my lack of control and being flustered a few times, i didnt think i would be getting a full-time position there yet. sooooo. we got back here at like 1030, and immediately crashed. seriously, we went straight to my bed. i hugged michael and told him that he was the best for all he did for me these past few days. and then i was asleep.
i woke up at like 245 bc my phone was ringing.. and it was northport. so i tried to pull myself together and i answered the phone. it was the chair guy, and he said that he needed some more references bc they were calling them, and they were running into problems with reaching some peoples references since its summer blah blah blah, so i told him i would try to expand my list, and that i would get in touch with my current references to get better ways to reach them, although he hadnt called any of my references yet, anyway. had that conversation with mike, then i got up and emailed nancy, barbara, and jan, the woman who was my thesis director. all of them volunteered their home numbers and said they were excited for me, and that they would give me really positive reference! YAY! i knew they would. im on a first name basis with all of them, for the love of yr momma. all of my references, including bill, who i did not email bc he is married to nancy, are people who i worked closely with and know me personally. i know that bill, nancy, and jan will give me stellar recs, but im kinda worried about barbara. i mean, i know she will have good intentions, but shes very honest, and im afraid she'll mention my serious lack of confidence. but anyway.. i heard back from both jan and barbara before i even went to work, and then i heard from nancy when i got home. i compiled all the info and emailed it to candace so she can fax the info to the school for me in the morning.
ok, so yah, when he called, the chair told me that i was being considered for one of the part-time positions. which kinda bummed me out.. at first i was saying it would be ok, but then mike mentioned benefits, and i realized that part-time means no health care. fuck! the reason i want a real job is so that i can have health care and sick days and PAID VACATION!!!! all that good stuff that comes along with having a real job! i have been thinking about it all night, and i think its good experience, and of course they probably have stronger candidates who either have more experience or more confidence than i, and its probably best for me to start part-time, get my feet wet, and then either move to a full-time position in northport or try to get into another district, like sachem or something, so i can work closer to where i live. im hoping that the part-time salary is decent. my mom looked up the average starting salary in the school district and i think it was like $50,000.. which would make my part time salary probably half of that.. which i could do. if i was making $25,000 a year, i could supplement my income. i could wait tables on weekends or something.. or try to adjunct at briarcliff or somewhere. my mom is an adjunct there, and could possibly help me in.
work was ok. it was busy, i made $170. oh, i waited on some rap star. beanie seagal or something.. it was funny bc they were taking up like soo much space, there were 7 or 8 people sitting at a 5 person booth and it was annoying me. they were way gangsta, and i was like "greaaaat. i get to wait on gang members." i even said that aloud to lee in the side station. they were causing a ruckus, and beanie's crew was way obnoxious. this guy, his name was pedro zayas, i know bc he paid with his credit card, he kept calling me "ma" and he told me they needed some "sips." one of the girls they were with said "you should do that in the next video!" and i was thinking to myself they were probably like aspiring rappers or something.. then my manager, karen, told me that he was a performer, and i asked who, and she said it was beanie seagal. ok, so my rockafella records table decides to pay this other girl at the table beside them $200 (!!!!) to eat a jalapeno. that wasnt spicy enough so i got them habeneros. it was a scene. everyone was yelling, they were being loud and probably annoying all the other guests, but eh. i suppose celebritys can do however they please. they had to have known that i had NO IDEA who they were, especially bc i carded them for drinks. i think they thought that was funny, that i didnt know who they were.
after work lee and i went to the diner.
i tried to spark a convo with the enigma, but it failed. i talked to him briefly before i went to work, he told me he finished invisible monsters, and we talked about it for a few texts. he told me he'll move in with me on li, but he cant afford the rent. which was weird, cos i said that i was upset about the prospective job bc it was only part-time and i cant afford rent on that.. then i said that i need a roomie, and wished candace was moving with me. i did not say i wanted him to move in. even though i SOOOOOO do! oh and last night he told me that they heard back from a label yesterday, so we were both having good days. yay.
now im just fucking exhausted. i think i will skip the crossword and head straight to the comfort of my bed. it was really cold out tonight, and its windy in my room. i think i will not even need my fan. i dont hear candaces fan. she is home bc the living room light is on, and not the hall light, so perhaps we can save some electricity tonight.
its 441am. oh, bed, here i come....
bonnie tyler
oh my fucking lord. i am so tired. so so so so so tired. the breakdown is that we left here on time, got to mike's in good time, like 35 or 40 mins.. it was a fun ride, we sang the hits of 1981 and 1983, including "maniac" and "true" and "do you really want to hurt me?" all of which were good times. we got to his house, and then we had MAJOR computer trouble. first the computer hooked to the printer wasnt working. then he loaded the printer on his lap top, but we discovered that he only has wordpad on there, and its IMPOSSIBLE to do anything on that program. so i started to panic and i was going to cry. but then he went into his sisters room cos she was in the shower, and we printed everything in there real quick. phew. he made a pb&j, then we were back on the road. the tired REALLY hit me there. i started feeling like a zombie. i said "what if i wastefully expended my last wind on 'maniac'?" and we laughed. we made really good time getting to the school also, which was yay. we got there like 30 mins early, and so he quizzed me on my lesson plan. then at 815 i went in. ......
those kids, man, they were bastards. they would not pay attention. they would not stop talking. they would not focus on the group work assignment. they said stupid things. on purpose. when i was circulating during their group work, one kid asked me: "why are these 4 people watching you, are you trying to get a raise?" and i was like "ha" and i walked away. i kept myself in good spirits, i joked with them a little, there were 6 kids in the "3" group, and i was like "yah.... there's only supposed to be 4 3's. so i *know* two of you are 2's." i dunno, i just talk to them like i would my friends, and it usually works, and i feel like it did today, but at the same time they were sooooo awful. i finished the lesson right at 855, and i talked to the chair guy again on the way out. he told me they had more demo lessons to see today, but that i would hear from them soon, and he wished me luck. and told me to get some sleep. i thanked him, and went out to the car. michael was asleep in the back seat. i got in and i was like "lets go." he was sort of out of it, but woke up and climbed over the seat into the driverseat. and i was like "can we please just go?" and then he was like "are you ok?" and i totally lost it, i started crying, i was like "they were fucking little bastards, i worked so hard on this stupid fucking lesson plan, i havent slept in 24 hours, all i want is a stupid fucking job, and they RUINED it!" and i was sobbing.. he reached over and unclicked my seatbelt and pulled me over and hugged me and rubbed the back of my neck and said a whole bunch of reassuring things. it was really sweet. sometimes i think its weird that we arent more than friends. i mean, we spend like *all* of our free time together, he sleeps over all the time, we take turns paying for meals a lot of the time, we share stuff, he goes into my liquor supply without asking. you know.. i always say its like having a boyfriend but not getting any. sometimes i wonder if the only reason i havent added a physical aspect to our already boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is because of the enigma boy. because i reallllly care about mike, hes one of my best friends, and if our relationship went anywhere, i wouldnt want to risk destroying our friendship by fucking things up. and i *know* the my attraction to the enigma is still sooo strong that if i hung out with him, there is a good chance that something would happen, even though i was in a relationship. but maybe things with mike are plain platonic. i really cant imagine myself being intimate with him. the idea sort of freaks me out, in fact. but lately we've been spatially closer. like the other day when he was at my moms with me watching tv, he was laying down on the bottom half of my bed with the cat, so when i came in from the bathroom, i just sat up on the pillows, and put my legs out, like with bent knees. after a while my knees were a little painful, so i laid my legs out in front of me and my foot was kinda on his belly, and he was stroking my calf for a while. then today when we were in bed after i got a call from the school (i have gone off on a tangent, will explain why they called momentarily) i was telling him what they said while laying in his arms with my head on his chest. and it was comfortable, but i didnt want to prolong the experience bc i dont wanna complicate things. but anyway. i dont know. hes just this weird aspect of my life.. but then, i do this all the time.. i mean, tom and i were like this freshman year, we were practically inseperable, we spent all of our time together and went into each others things without asking.. and this is how i was with my friend chris the summer after freshman year.. so i dont know. maybe its just one of those things where you have a super connection to someone but it isnt romantic.
ok so anyhow, i called my mom and vented, then my dad, and then i felt better. i realized that they would probably look at my lesson plan and see it was very good and organized and smart, and realize that these are bastard summer school 15 year olds. so i decided that at that point, i was pulling for one of the part-time positions, since after my lack of control and being flustered a few times, i didnt think i would be getting a full-time position there yet. sooooo. we got back here at like 1030, and immediately crashed. seriously, we went straight to my bed. i hugged michael and told him that he was the best for all he did for me these past few days. and then i was asleep.
i woke up at like 245 bc my phone was ringing.. and it was northport. so i tried to pull myself together and i answered the phone. it was the chair guy, and he said that he needed some more references bc they were calling them, and they were running into problems with reaching some peoples references since its summer blah blah blah, so i told him i would try to expand my list, and that i would get in touch with my current references to get better ways to reach them, although he hadnt called any of my references yet, anyway. had that conversation with mike, then i got up and emailed nancy, barbara, and jan, the woman who was my thesis director. all of them volunteered their home numbers and said they were excited for me, and that they would give me really positive reference! YAY! i knew they would. im on a first name basis with all of them, for the love of yr momma. all of my references, including bill, who i did not email bc he is married to nancy, are people who i worked closely with and know me personally. i know that bill, nancy, and jan will give me stellar recs, but im kinda worried about barbara. i mean, i know she will have good intentions, but shes very honest, and im afraid she'll mention my serious lack of confidence. but anyway.. i heard back from both jan and barbara before i even went to work, and then i heard from nancy when i got home. i compiled all the info and emailed it to candace so she can fax the info to the school for me in the morning.
ok, so yah, when he called, the chair told me that i was being considered for one of the part-time positions. which kinda bummed me out.. at first i was saying it would be ok, but then mike mentioned benefits, and i realized that part-time means no health care. fuck! the reason i want a real job is so that i can have health care and sick days and PAID VACATION!!!! all that good stuff that comes along with having a real job! i have been thinking about it all night, and i think its good experience, and of course they probably have stronger candidates who either have more experience or more confidence than i, and its probably best for me to start part-time, get my feet wet, and then either move to a full-time position in northport or try to get into another district, like sachem or something, so i can work closer to where i live. im hoping that the part-time salary is decent. my mom looked up the average starting salary in the school district and i think it was like $50,000.. which would make my part time salary probably half of that.. which i could do. if i was making $25,000 a year, i could supplement my income. i could wait tables on weekends or something.. or try to adjunct at briarcliff or somewhere. my mom is an adjunct there, and could possibly help me in.
work was ok. it was busy, i made $170. oh, i waited on some rap star. beanie seagal or something.. it was funny bc they were taking up like soo much space, there were 7 or 8 people sitting at a 5 person booth and it was annoying me. they were way gangsta, and i was like "greaaaat. i get to wait on gang members." i even said that aloud to lee in the side station. they were causing a ruckus, and beanie's crew was way obnoxious. this guy, his name was pedro zayas, i know bc he paid with his credit card, he kept calling me "ma" and he told me they needed some "sips." one of the girls they were with said "you should do that in the next video!" and i was thinking to myself they were probably like aspiring rappers or something.. then my manager, karen, told me that he was a performer, and i asked who, and she said it was beanie seagal. ok, so my rockafella records table decides to pay this other girl at the table beside them $200 (!!!!) to eat a jalapeno. that wasnt spicy enough so i got them habeneros. it was a scene. everyone was yelling, they were being loud and probably annoying all the other guests, but eh. i suppose celebritys can do however they please. they had to have known that i had NO IDEA who they were, especially bc i carded them for drinks. i think they thought that was funny, that i didnt know who they were.
after work lee and i went to the diner.
i tried to spark a convo with the enigma, but it failed. i talked to him briefly before i went to work, he told me he finished invisible monsters, and we talked about it for a few texts. he told me he'll move in with me on li, but he cant afford the rent. which was weird, cos i said that i was upset about the prospective job bc it was only part-time and i cant afford rent on that.. then i said that i need a roomie, and wished candace was moving with me. i did not say i wanted him to move in. even though i SOOOOOO do! oh and last night he told me that they heard back from a label yesterday, so we were both having good days. yay.
now im just fucking exhausted. i think i will skip the crossword and head straight to the comfort of my bed. it was really cold out tonight, and its windy in my room. i think i will not even need my fan. i dont hear candaces fan. she is home bc the living room light is on, and not the hall light, so perhaps we can save some electricity tonight.
its 441am. oh, bed, here i come....
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