Tuesday, August 31, 2004
*im gonna harden my heart.. im gonna swallow my tears.. im gonna turn and leave you here..*
dude, all i wanna do right now is post to my stupid fucking blog, and blogger is all "no". so i am writing this in a blank email, with hopes of posting later or tomorrow. it is presently august 31, 12:29am.
i have nothing of note to report, i guess i just wanna write. vent. i dont know. once again its been a while since i posted anything of worth, so.. here goes the summary....
friday.. yo, friday was fucking intense. i woke up at 1pm, my dad was at my apartment, so i had to get up and let him in. he and michael brought some boxes downstairs while i showered, then i did some more miscellaneous packing, more boxes, more moving, then my dad left. i had to go to work, so mike went home. work was sad and fun. they got me two ice cream cakes from ben and jerry's, and a huge bouquet of beautiful flowers. i almost cried, but i didnt. kim came into chevys and i did a half-assed version of tables and sidework, i did not do any rollups, and we were off. we went over to smiths.. we were joined by bart, lee, jesse, rebecca, shaena, lana, errol, derek, david, ricardo.. this kid matt and his friend stopped by, this new server clinton came by and bought me a drink.. i was disappointed that baxter didnt show up, but he was pretty much the only one. actually, twon and my friend mike from myspace didnt show up either, but oh well. we had some drinks, i drank too fast and ended up puking. kim held my hair. i took like 3 rolls of pics, i got two developed today and i got all nostalgic. aww. anyway so i was all sick and sad, and i called candace bc lee put "look away" on the jukebox and i cried.. derek was hugging me over the booth back, it was really sweet of him.. hes like "give daddy num-nums" and im like "what??" so he explained that thats what he says to p'scuse me (his cat, her name is p'scuse me jones), and she knows to give him kisses. so i gave him kisses. it was like our last kissing or something. i dont know. i cried a little, he hugged me a lot. i puked. i felt really sick, and by then the crowd was thinning, so we left.. it was just kim and lee and i by then, and i was asking her to come to greenpoint with me bc i felt like shit and didnt wanna be alone (candace went to boston) and she said she wouldnt bc she wanted to go to gonzos. so i hailed a cab, and i yelled "fuck you" to her a few times, got in the cab... i texted her that it was way fucked up that her nonrelationship meant more than our friendship.. so lee called me, and hes like "yah, shes going to meet him, she says yr just drunk, you'll get over it." so i texted her again, something like "fuck you, i WONT get over it. dont call me again. goodbye." then i kinda felt bad, but eh. i figure thats it for us, shes too proud to call me, im too proud to call her, and besides, thats so fucked up of her. i wanted to call her so bad oday cos i saw some hot high school boys (inside joke) at the mall, and that made me kinda sad for a second. anyway so i got home, and mike called me, and i couldnt stop vomiting long enough to form a sentance, so he was worried and he drove half-drunk to greenpoint from sea cliff at 5am to come make sure i was gonna be ok. so he came and i was passed out, it took him 20 mins to wake me up so i could come let him in my apartment. he took care of me, and we slept for like 3 hours. then at 9 my parents came and moved me the rest of the way out. it was sad.
so saturday was moving day, we were done by 11.. mike and i hung out, cleaned up real quick, then i came here and napped on my bedroom floor for a couple hours. it was mike's bday, and he came out, we went to my baby cousins 1st bday party, then we went to target.. i took him to have dinner at the california.. it was pretty boring for a bday, but he wasnt really interested in celebrating. he stayed over here, and we just watched tv and chilled.
sunday.. hmm that was yesterday. well.. i cant remember doing anything of note. mike was still here, we got up in the morning (afternoon) and im not sure we did anything. we went to the diner, the lake rock, and the food and service sucked. it has gone severely downhill since i was in high school and katie and i went there for lunch every other day. after that, i put pictures in photo albums. later we went out for a drive.. looked at big expensive houses in beltair and old field. came back here after driving for like 2 hours, went to bed.
today was also pretty lame. mike left in the morning, which was good cos i needed some alone time. i went to the post office for a change of address, came home, did laundry.. went to bath and body works with mom, got bagels for lunch.. i came home, she went to the chiropracter. i dont think i did anything of note. i looked at my pictures a few times.. perhaps i will scan some of them and post them to my bloooog. i updated my myspace profile.. texted the enigma to see if he wanted to go to the mall with me, but he said he was in the city. how convenient. feel like he's avoiding me again, as he looooooves to do after he has seen me once. fuck it though, im slowly detaching myself.. it feels weird, like instead of being sad about him, i get angry. a large part of me cant wait for him to go back on tour in october, maybe while he is away for two months, i can move on. that would be super.
so i went to the mall alone, i got something to wear tomorrow at h&m, since i have to go to human resources at the school for my job offer. woo. i have to be there at 8! which means i have to wake up in 5 hours. ugh. im about to take some nyquil and pass out. perhaps. im hoping i can..
and i guess thats that. im really just angry today. i hate the boy, i dont want him to get in touch with me.. bc i know if and when he does, it will be for sex, and i wanted to go out with him today in public and just hang out and not have any of that crap involved. i was looking at his myspace profile today, and this girl left him a comment that says "bikini briefs make the world go round" and it made me feel jealous and mad, bc he got bikini briefs as a gag gift 2 bdays ago and he wore them to hang out with me once to be silly.. and we sometimes joke about them.. i think he even bought new ones when he was on tour and wore them when we hung out a few weeks ago for fun.. and now that i know this other girl is in on it, it makes me sad. now im wondering if he is hooking up with her. maybe he is. shes all about their tour dates on her myspace. whatever though. i just cant stand him right now, but the sentimental part of me wants him to text me tomorrow. that same part of me wants me to hold out before i 100% hate him to see if things change, but the sensible part of me knows they wont, and i have the whole thing planned, like what ill say to him when i want him to know why im saying goodbye, and all the delusions will be popped.. cos you know what, the "timing" excuse doesnt work anymore. he is single, i am here, he does nothing. i need to accept that he will never love me, and i need to move on. aarrrrrgh.
ok im taking my nyquil now. nite...
dude, all i wanna do right now is post to my stupid fucking blog, and blogger is all "no". so i am writing this in a blank email, with hopes of posting later or tomorrow. it is presently august 31, 12:29am.
i have nothing of note to report, i guess i just wanna write. vent. i dont know. once again its been a while since i posted anything of worth, so.. here goes the summary....
friday.. yo, friday was fucking intense. i woke up at 1pm, my dad was at my apartment, so i had to get up and let him in. he and michael brought some boxes downstairs while i showered, then i did some more miscellaneous packing, more boxes, more moving, then my dad left. i had to go to work, so mike went home. work was sad and fun. they got me two ice cream cakes from ben and jerry's, and a huge bouquet of beautiful flowers. i almost cried, but i didnt. kim came into chevys and i did a half-assed version of tables and sidework, i did not do any rollups, and we were off. we went over to smiths.. we were joined by bart, lee, jesse, rebecca, shaena, lana, errol, derek, david, ricardo.. this kid matt and his friend stopped by, this new server clinton came by and bought me a drink.. i was disappointed that baxter didnt show up, but he was pretty much the only one. actually, twon and my friend mike from myspace didnt show up either, but oh well. we had some drinks, i drank too fast and ended up puking. kim held my hair. i took like 3 rolls of pics, i got two developed today and i got all nostalgic. aww. anyway so i was all sick and sad, and i called candace bc lee put "look away" on the jukebox and i cried.. derek was hugging me over the booth back, it was really sweet of him.. hes like "give daddy num-nums" and im like "what??" so he explained that thats what he says to p'scuse me (his cat, her name is p'scuse me jones), and she knows to give him kisses. so i gave him kisses. it was like our last kissing or something. i dont know. i cried a little, he hugged me a lot. i puked. i felt really sick, and by then the crowd was thinning, so we left.. it was just kim and lee and i by then, and i was asking her to come to greenpoint with me bc i felt like shit and didnt wanna be alone (candace went to boston) and she said she wouldnt bc she wanted to go to gonzos. so i hailed a cab, and i yelled "fuck you" to her a few times, got in the cab... i texted her that it was way fucked up that her nonrelationship meant more than our friendship.. so lee called me, and hes like "yah, shes going to meet him, she says yr just drunk, you'll get over it." so i texted her again, something like "fuck you, i WONT get over it. dont call me again. goodbye." then i kinda felt bad, but eh. i figure thats it for us, shes too proud to call me, im too proud to call her, and besides, thats so fucked up of her. i wanted to call her so bad oday cos i saw some hot high school boys (inside joke) at the mall, and that made me kinda sad for a second. anyway so i got home, and mike called me, and i couldnt stop vomiting long enough to form a sentance, so he was worried and he drove half-drunk to greenpoint from sea cliff at 5am to come make sure i was gonna be ok. so he came and i was passed out, it took him 20 mins to wake me up so i could come let him in my apartment. he took care of me, and we slept for like 3 hours. then at 9 my parents came and moved me the rest of the way out. it was sad.
so saturday was moving day, we were done by 11.. mike and i hung out, cleaned up real quick, then i came here and napped on my bedroom floor for a couple hours. it was mike's bday, and he came out, we went to my baby cousins 1st bday party, then we went to target.. i took him to have dinner at the california.. it was pretty boring for a bday, but he wasnt really interested in celebrating. he stayed over here, and we just watched tv and chilled.
sunday.. hmm that was yesterday. well.. i cant remember doing anything of note. mike was still here, we got up in the morning (afternoon) and im not sure we did anything. we went to the diner, the lake rock, and the food and service sucked. it has gone severely downhill since i was in high school and katie and i went there for lunch every other day. after that, i put pictures in photo albums. later we went out for a drive.. looked at big expensive houses in beltair and old field. came back here after driving for like 2 hours, went to bed.
today was also pretty lame. mike left in the morning, which was good cos i needed some alone time. i went to the post office for a change of address, came home, did laundry.. went to bath and body works with mom, got bagels for lunch.. i came home, she went to the chiropracter. i dont think i did anything of note. i looked at my pictures a few times.. perhaps i will scan some of them and post them to my bloooog. i updated my myspace profile.. texted the enigma to see if he wanted to go to the mall with me, but he said he was in the city. how convenient. feel like he's avoiding me again, as he looooooves to do after he has seen me once. fuck it though, im slowly detaching myself.. it feels weird, like instead of being sad about him, i get angry. a large part of me cant wait for him to go back on tour in october, maybe while he is away for two months, i can move on. that would be super.
so i went to the mall alone, i got something to wear tomorrow at h&m, since i have to go to human resources at the school for my job offer. woo. i have to be there at 8! which means i have to wake up in 5 hours. ugh. im about to take some nyquil and pass out. perhaps. im hoping i can..
and i guess thats that. im really just angry today. i hate the boy, i dont want him to get in touch with me.. bc i know if and when he does, it will be for sex, and i wanted to go out with him today in public and just hang out and not have any of that crap involved. i was looking at his myspace profile today, and this girl left him a comment that says "bikini briefs make the world go round" and it made me feel jealous and mad, bc he got bikini briefs as a gag gift 2 bdays ago and he wore them to hang out with me once to be silly.. and we sometimes joke about them.. i think he even bought new ones when he was on tour and wore them when we hung out a few weeks ago for fun.. and now that i know this other girl is in on it, it makes me sad. now im wondering if he is hooking up with her. maybe he is. shes all about their tour dates on her myspace. whatever though. i just cant stand him right now, but the sentimental part of me wants him to text me tomorrow. that same part of me wants me to hold out before i 100% hate him to see if things change, but the sensible part of me knows they wont, and i have the whole thing planned, like what ill say to him when i want him to know why im saying goodbye, and all the delusions will be popped.. cos you know what, the "timing" excuse doesnt work anymore. he is single, i am here, he does nothing. i need to accept that he will never love me, and i need to move on. aarrrrrgh.
ok im taking my nyquil now. nite...
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