Tuesday, August 24, 2004
"a little drama never hurt anyone"
-shirt seen on a girl in times square
i have been leading a life of ups and downs, its been all over the spectrum the past few days.. saturday was good, i worked, and it was painless and goooooood money.. after work, i went to olive garden with jesse and lee, that was fun. we had some drinks while we waited for a table.. then we had dinner, and it like wreaked havoc on my system. i was very unhappy. jesse wanted to go see alien v preditor, but lee had to go read a script, and i had to go home to get to the train station because...
the enigma picked me up at the ronkonkoma station at 1138pm. actually, he picked me up in the van instead of his jeep, so i was looking for him for like 5 minutes before i called him and found out he was in the van and i was looking for the wrong vehicle. anyway. so we went to his house, and on the way he told me about how they cancelled the tour and stuff, we talked a little about the fact that i still hadnt heard from northport. we got to his house, and he gave me the red sparkly belt to give to kim, but i think i will keep it for a wee bit. he was going through all his mail and i noticed there was a picture of laura on his armoir. i asked to use the bathroom, and when i came back, he had turned it on its face. he took a shower, and while he was in there, i peeked at it. shes pretty. she looks athletic. it made me really uncomfortable. for a little while i felt pretty weird, and when he got out of the shower, we watched leaving las vegas.. it was sad. we cuddled, and had lots of hugs and belly rubbing. it was a good time. the awkwardness passed, and i felt comfortable with him and it was cool bc we actually made out a lot this time, which made me feel less like he was rushing to get in my pants. we watched south park, and it was hilarious, it was the one where cartman goes on maury povich as an out of control teen. jesse always quotes it, but i never knew it was a cartman quote. anyway, we were gonna just crash at his house, but he was worried his parents would come home, and they are kinda weird about that, and i needed to get my saline and stuff out of the van, so he decided we should go to my house. on the way we stopped and got pizza. i never knew we had a pizza place that was open at 3am, but we do. went back to my moms and we watched some tv and ate pizza. laughed, it was fun. we laid down for bed, and he watched tv while i cuddled with him. we went to sleep at like 430.. i woke up a lot throughout the night, but it was nice cos we were always cuddling (yay for the twin size bed hehe). we woke up at like 130. we talked a lot, and i ended up really sad bc we talked about how i had to move back into my parents house and that i havent heard from the school and i guess i just havent been talking about it out loud, plus i am 100% PMS girl right now, so tearful tearful me. you know. it felt like he didnt know what to do, and it made him uncomfortable, but he was hugging me and kissing my head and saying it would be ok. then we moved past that and talked about better things. at like 330 he like hopped out of bed, and said he had to get going so he could do laundry and be out of the house before his parents got home (they were upstate for the weekend) bc he thought they would give him shit for coming home early etc.. so anyway. we breifly talked about school for him, and then he left. before i walked him out, i showed him my brothers fish. emily met him. she said she still doesnt like him. boo. we talked for a minute at the car, and i said i would text him about the job if i heard from them today, and he said he would see me soon... he kissed me goodbye and that was that. then i missed him, boo...
after he left, i went down and talked to rich and em. i then went over to emilys moms house with them. my brother got picked up at like 6 to go see greyscale with his friend matt, and then em and i hung out with her mom. it was funny. we laughed a lot. i was in a really good mood from seeing the boy and im sure i was glowing due to, uh, releasing stress.. heh heh heh. we stayed there till ike 9ish, then emily and i went to the california diner. had some good dinner. went home to my moms.. i talked to my mom for a little, went online.. i watched my brother play video games, then i went outside to smoke a cig, and i started thinking that this whol enigma situation is ridiculous, that i could probably acheive this with someone else, and feel like they wanna be with me.. like i feel like a suitable amount of time has elapsed in our relationship where if he wanted to be with me, hed be with me already. you know? i had a momentary internal battle, and decided that it wasnt worth it to even think about.. itll be or it wont. im near the end of my rope with him. so i went upstairs and watched some music videos, some cops, it was bleh. but i saw the video for "screaming infidelities" which was yay. then i went to bed.
sooo northport finally called me back today! and still they dont know. basically the SS guy told me that he wanted to give me as much info as possible while still remaining professional, and what i gathered from the vagueness of the story is that im being considered for the part-time position, but someone for the full-time has a problem with their certification, and they are waiting to hear from the state on the certification, and if its not good, then i will get the full-time. sooooooo what this all boils down to is that i am def getting a job, but probably the p/t, which sucks sucks sucks, bc i dont wanna wait tables, i dont wanna work two jobs, i dont want to live at home for longer than a month. he said hopefully they would call me tomorrow. i am no longer holding my breath. at least i know i have something.
so. the morning went ok, i got up, had lunch with mom. i cleaned my room since im going to be living in it in 5 days.. then yoda came in and curled up next to me and i took that as a sign that i needed to take a nap. a cat nap, if you will. so i did. it was a glorious nap. i woke up when my dad called me. then everything went wrong. i called mike and we had a discussion that really upset me. basically just about the job and moving out and waiting tables, and im not gonna go into it, but he was saying i should think positively, and i said i was, but that im also trying to be careful and not take big risks, and everyone sees it as me being pessimistic, but i see it as being careful. anyway. there was yelling involved. we hung up, my brother got home and said he wouldnt be able to come here friday to help my dad get some of my boxes. so i called my dad. and i was still upset from the discussion with mike, and i was telling my dad, and my mom came in my room and assumed i was upset that my brother couldnt help, and she said i wasnt appreciative and i want everything done for me and all this crap that made me feel like a horrible child, and i started screaming that i should just kill myself. my dad hung up on me, my mom started screaming at me about how unappreciative i am, it was terrible, there was so much yelling involved, screaming, crying. i went outside, i smoked a cig and cried, my mom sat like two steps below me and cried, and i went in the house and packed. i was leaving and she hugged me and told me how worried she is, how shes afraid ill end up miserable like my grandmother bc i refuse to take steps to treat depression and all this stuff, and we cried and it was awful. i was all shaken up and panicy when i was driving home, i like totally couldnt handle the truck, i wasnt driving stead, and i had to pull off the expressway and into a parking lot for like 30 minutes. i was afraid id get pulled over for drunk driving or something. i talked to kim for like 20 mins, i told her everything and i just totally vented, then i sat there for a little while longer. i called mike. then i felt a little less crazy.. i mean i really felt crazy like totally at a loss for any sanity, it felt like i was fucked up but i wasnt on drugs. thats what i told kim, that it felt like i was on drugs, but i was sober. so.. once i calmed down a little, i could continue the drive. i got here, and found parking right away, which made me waaaay happy.
so tonight i packed with candace. she packed my book shelf for me, well like 3/4 of it. i consolidated boxes and threw stuff away (gasp!).. my room is now pretty much packed. the only things left are the boxes that make my night stand. and my clothes and shoes. ugh. the living room needs to be packed hardcore. also the bathroom and the kitchen, but i would rather tackle those during the day. and ill prob leave a lot of the stuff i have with candace, like im not gonna pack up the windex or anything. it was purchased for the household, and im not taking it with me. i think ill do the living room tomorrow, before and after work.
now im just sitting here. i have a slight headache. im a little bit cold right now, im pretty tired for all the crying and yelling i did today. im feeling very ambivalent, and sort of like im giving up on a lot of things that had kept me going for so long.. argh. i think i might go to bed. have therapy in the morning...
-shirt seen on a girl in times square
i have been leading a life of ups and downs, its been all over the spectrum the past few days.. saturday was good, i worked, and it was painless and goooooood money.. after work, i went to olive garden with jesse and lee, that was fun. we had some drinks while we waited for a table.. then we had dinner, and it like wreaked havoc on my system. i was very unhappy. jesse wanted to go see alien v preditor, but lee had to go read a script, and i had to go home to get to the train station because...
the enigma picked me up at the ronkonkoma station at 1138pm. actually, he picked me up in the van instead of his jeep, so i was looking for him for like 5 minutes before i called him and found out he was in the van and i was looking for the wrong vehicle. anyway. so we went to his house, and on the way he told me about how they cancelled the tour and stuff, we talked a little about the fact that i still hadnt heard from northport. we got to his house, and he gave me the red sparkly belt to give to kim, but i think i will keep it for a wee bit. he was going through all his mail and i noticed there was a picture of laura on his armoir. i asked to use the bathroom, and when i came back, he had turned it on its face. he took a shower, and while he was in there, i peeked at it. shes pretty. she looks athletic. it made me really uncomfortable. for a little while i felt pretty weird, and when he got out of the shower, we watched leaving las vegas.. it was sad. we cuddled, and had lots of hugs and belly rubbing. it was a good time. the awkwardness passed, and i felt comfortable with him and it was cool bc we actually made out a lot this time, which made me feel less like he was rushing to get in my pants. we watched south park, and it was hilarious, it was the one where cartman goes on maury povich as an out of control teen. jesse always quotes it, but i never knew it was a cartman quote. anyway, we were gonna just crash at his house, but he was worried his parents would come home, and they are kinda weird about that, and i needed to get my saline and stuff out of the van, so he decided we should go to my house. on the way we stopped and got pizza. i never knew we had a pizza place that was open at 3am, but we do. went back to my moms and we watched some tv and ate pizza. laughed, it was fun. we laid down for bed, and he watched tv while i cuddled with him. we went to sleep at like 430.. i woke up a lot throughout the night, but it was nice cos we were always cuddling (yay for the twin size bed hehe). we woke up at like 130. we talked a lot, and i ended up really sad bc we talked about how i had to move back into my parents house and that i havent heard from the school and i guess i just havent been talking about it out loud, plus i am 100% PMS girl right now, so tearful tearful me. you know. it felt like he didnt know what to do, and it made him uncomfortable, but he was hugging me and kissing my head and saying it would be ok. then we moved past that and talked about better things. at like 330 he like hopped out of bed, and said he had to get going so he could do laundry and be out of the house before his parents got home (they were upstate for the weekend) bc he thought they would give him shit for coming home early etc.. so anyway. we breifly talked about school for him, and then he left. before i walked him out, i showed him my brothers fish. emily met him. she said she still doesnt like him. boo. we talked for a minute at the car, and i said i would text him about the job if i heard from them today, and he said he would see me soon... he kissed me goodbye and that was that. then i missed him, boo...
after he left, i went down and talked to rich and em. i then went over to emilys moms house with them. my brother got picked up at like 6 to go see greyscale with his friend matt, and then em and i hung out with her mom. it was funny. we laughed a lot. i was in a really good mood from seeing the boy and im sure i was glowing due to, uh, releasing stress.. heh heh heh. we stayed there till ike 9ish, then emily and i went to the california diner. had some good dinner. went home to my moms.. i talked to my mom for a little, went online.. i watched my brother play video games, then i went outside to smoke a cig, and i started thinking that this whol enigma situation is ridiculous, that i could probably acheive this with someone else, and feel like they wanna be with me.. like i feel like a suitable amount of time has elapsed in our relationship where if he wanted to be with me, hed be with me already. you know? i had a momentary internal battle, and decided that it wasnt worth it to even think about.. itll be or it wont. im near the end of my rope with him. so i went upstairs and watched some music videos, some cops, it was bleh. but i saw the video for "screaming infidelities" which was yay. then i went to bed.
sooo northport finally called me back today! and still they dont know. basically the SS guy told me that he wanted to give me as much info as possible while still remaining professional, and what i gathered from the vagueness of the story is that im being considered for the part-time position, but someone for the full-time has a problem with their certification, and they are waiting to hear from the state on the certification, and if its not good, then i will get the full-time. sooooooo what this all boils down to is that i am def getting a job, but probably the p/t, which sucks sucks sucks, bc i dont wanna wait tables, i dont wanna work two jobs, i dont want to live at home for longer than a month. he said hopefully they would call me tomorrow. i am no longer holding my breath. at least i know i have something.
so. the morning went ok, i got up, had lunch with mom. i cleaned my room since im going to be living in it in 5 days.. then yoda came in and curled up next to me and i took that as a sign that i needed to take a nap. a cat nap, if you will. so i did. it was a glorious nap. i woke up when my dad called me. then everything went wrong. i called mike and we had a discussion that really upset me. basically just about the job and moving out and waiting tables, and im not gonna go into it, but he was saying i should think positively, and i said i was, but that im also trying to be careful and not take big risks, and everyone sees it as me being pessimistic, but i see it as being careful. anyway. there was yelling involved. we hung up, my brother got home and said he wouldnt be able to come here friday to help my dad get some of my boxes. so i called my dad. and i was still upset from the discussion with mike, and i was telling my dad, and my mom came in my room and assumed i was upset that my brother couldnt help, and she said i wasnt appreciative and i want everything done for me and all this crap that made me feel like a horrible child, and i started screaming that i should just kill myself. my dad hung up on me, my mom started screaming at me about how unappreciative i am, it was terrible, there was so much yelling involved, screaming, crying. i went outside, i smoked a cig and cried, my mom sat like two steps below me and cried, and i went in the house and packed. i was leaving and she hugged me and told me how worried she is, how shes afraid ill end up miserable like my grandmother bc i refuse to take steps to treat depression and all this stuff, and we cried and it was awful. i was all shaken up and panicy when i was driving home, i like totally couldnt handle the truck, i wasnt driving stead, and i had to pull off the expressway and into a parking lot for like 30 minutes. i was afraid id get pulled over for drunk driving or something. i talked to kim for like 20 mins, i told her everything and i just totally vented, then i sat there for a little while longer. i called mike. then i felt a little less crazy.. i mean i really felt crazy like totally at a loss for any sanity, it felt like i was fucked up but i wasnt on drugs. thats what i told kim, that it felt like i was on drugs, but i was sober. so.. once i calmed down a little, i could continue the drive. i got here, and found parking right away, which made me waaaay happy.
so tonight i packed with candace. she packed my book shelf for me, well like 3/4 of it. i consolidated boxes and threw stuff away (gasp!).. my room is now pretty much packed. the only things left are the boxes that make my night stand. and my clothes and shoes. ugh. the living room needs to be packed hardcore. also the bathroom and the kitchen, but i would rather tackle those during the day. and ill prob leave a lot of the stuff i have with candace, like im not gonna pack up the windex or anything. it was purchased for the household, and im not taking it with me. i think ill do the living room tomorrow, before and after work.
now im just sitting here. i have a slight headache. im a little bit cold right now, im pretty tired for all the crying and yelling i did today. im feeling very ambivalent, and sort of like im giving up on a lot of things that had kept me going for so long.. argh. i think i might go to bed. have therapy in the morning...
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