Tuesday, August 10, 2004
*my heart is yrs to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer*
dashboard
so i had my lyrics picked out. i was gonna go with "harden my heart" bc i was feeling particularly free on sunday, i was feeling like letting go a little in the car on the way to the beach, and then bam! everything changes. oh, suspense! you shall read and find out...
so what was the last thing i posted? perhaps i should peruse the blog.. im not sure where i left off.. ... ah, ok. friday. soooo saturday was intense i think i was tired and it wasnt busy. i made $41. greaaaat. came home, talked to candace, and made arrangements for us to head out to sea cliff later. we took the 938 train, met up with mike and went to olive garden. mmm salad and bread sticks.. i had three of these frozen peach wonderful things, they were belinis i think, but they were the anti-intoxicating, as i did not even feel a slight buzz off of my three. we went to mikes, smoked, watched tv. played crazy eights. bed.
sunday.. went to the beach with mike and candace. it was overcast and cold for a little while, and i got a little more golden and freshly tan looking, which is nice. i hadnt been to the beach in a few weeks, since i had family stuff, and it rained one sunday. plus the interviews and all that jazz. i cannot believe the summer is almost over i mean, i wished for it to end, but it feels like its drawing to a close.. i know its only august 10, but. it just feels final. so anyway. i forgot my discman (boo). candace and i had a coloring contest, which she proclaimed a tie, but definitely she won. we came back to brooklyn later, and we drove into one of the most beautiful sunsets i have ever seen in my entire life. the three of us walked to bedford pizza. ate, walked home. we took a bunch of pictures all day, at the beach, of the sunset, of graffiti i like and will miss.. came home, and watched the mothman prophecies, which was like the anti-scary and i am glad i did not see it with a boy i would wanna cuddle with. it was nothing like the book, so you know. after the movie i was IMing with the enigma boy, and he told me that he and the girl broke up, and that he thinks its for good, and that its for the best. he admitted he hadnt been happy in two years, and we talked about it a little. i did not ask what this meant for us. i figure i will wait a little while, and let him get over her all the way. i dont want to have drama again, i dont want to feel rejected (although im sure i will if we dont end up together anyway)..we talked about how we're gonna hang out all the time when i move to li.. i felt good. i def do not have my hopes up, which is muy bueno, but i can feel them getting there..
soooo monday. ok. i wake up, watch tv with mike, talk to kim for a while.. mike and i take a nap, then we head out to li, where he drops me off at mineola and i get on the 854 ronkonkoma train. so im sitting there and i text the boy: "i wish you were still on li. im home for the night, and i could use good cuddles." he responded like an hour later that he was coming home right then, so i was like "come cuddle!" and he said he would stop by in like 6 hours (it was 1030)... so i went upstairs and finished the mothman prophecies the book, and i watched some tv, but i got bored, and at 245 i decided to set my phone alarm for 415, so i could wake up then and text him to see where he was.. so im sleeping and my phone vibrates, and its him. its 411, and he is on his way! i was soo excited i jumped out of bed, and i went and watched for him at the window. considering the time, he made it over in like 10 minutes. he was really tired so i said we could nap. we came in, and he brushed his teeth, then we crawled into my twin size bed, which is always fun. here i have a fullsize, so you dont *have to* cuddle.. but in the twin, we have no choice hehe. and i felt really comfortable, the laura thing wasnt over my head and i felt like it wasnt at all awkward. we laid there and i cuddled with him and rubbed his belly while he watched mtv with his arms around me. we talked about the videos (taking back sunday came on and we talked about that), then we talked about how i have to be an adult if i get this job.. i said i wouldnt, that i would infiltrate grown up society as a kid, still and he was happy. we talked about him going back to school, and i was really encouraging him. he has been saying this to me for TWO years, he wants to get his MA and be a teacher. he wants to teach film/tv. so i found out that his undergrad degree is in communications/broadcasting, and i told him he would probably have to a MA in teaching with specialization in broadcasting. or maybe even english. i told him he could do it in 2 years, and he sounded discouraged and said "yah, full time" but i told him i went half time and did in two.. he would have to take three classes per week, or two and summer classes.. and he could do it in three years only taking two with no summer school.. so i told him he should look into it. he kinda sounded discouraged again, so i decided to take charge here after two years and i said "do you want ME to investigate?" and he was like "would you?" and i said i would, since i know he has lots of computers in the van and we laughed.. then i dont know what happened, i think i decided to full body cuddle him and i was laying across him, and we were cuddling all nice and talking and then we were kissing... it was way yay, and again felt really good without the laura thing over my head.. we watched some more tv, and he was concerned that my mom would be mad he was staying over.. so i told him she cant say anything since my brothers girlfriend lives in the house with my brother, and im 24 years old. then he fell asleep. he cuddled me all night, i was so cozy i fell right asleep after a few minutes of trying to get comfortable around his sleeping self.. cos he passed out the second his head hit the pillow. i turned the tv off at like 630, thats the last i remember. woke up at 915. got up, went to the bathroom to get dressed. i covered him up and closed my door. i talked to my mom, and as i was printing something out to bring to the school with me, she went in my room! i was like "MOM!!" because i mean, there was a naked boy who she doesnt approve of in my bed.. i was trying to be stealth, then i told her he was in there, and she was like "WHAT?!" and i repeated myself. she asked what he was doing in my room, and i replied "sleeping." there it ended. i went back in and he had put his boxers on but went back to sleep. i cuddled with him all dressed up, and he asked if i got in trouble. i said no, and apologized that she had come in. he fell back asleep and i got up again, put on some make up, came in and was giving him little kisses and he was smiling and hugging me, and it was yay. so my mom left, and he got up and we left. i was in a hurry so i quick kissed him and hugged him and he said "ill see you" which is his classic sign off. i kissed him again and he was like "let me know how it goes" and i smiled and we both drove off. and i sat there in my car, thinking how awesome it would be if i woke up like this every single morning..... la la land.. got to my interview, talked to the principal, she was really nice and she said that there are 4 positions and there were 4 interviews, so im in, but they will offer me a position this week or early next week. i reallllly dont want the part-time one, its only 2 classes, and the pay cannot be more than 10 or 15 thousand. which means i would have to make an additional 15 to 20 thousand at another part-time job, that i would have to work nights and weekends at so i could be at school for 2 hours of the day. so im wayyy stressing. perhaps prematurely, bc it looks like everything is in order and i hope to get one of the leave replacement positions, cos at least that is full time. it may not be tenure track, but it will do.
after that i went to the other school to fill out a paper application, and to submit a writing sample. i bullshit my way through an essay. woo. it took me like half hour. then i called kim, and i met up with her for some lunch in huntington village. we had diner. it was ok, not good, but ok. then we got ices, and then we went to this huge drug store and acted like children. she said i looked like a hooker in my interview suit. the lady working at the drug store told me i was beautiful, and i blushed and thanked her. then i said "HA!" to kim, bc obviously i *didnt* look like a hooker. she kept laughing and saying i was reminding her of vegas. i then headed home so i could not hit too much traffic. got home, talked to mom for a little. she again asked me why the boy was here.. i told her we fell asleep watching tv, and it was great, we talked about a lot of things and i was happy, so she said ok, but with that skeptical mom tone. i went to lay down, and i fell asleep for a while. i got up for a minute, put my laundry in, and went back to sleep. my mom put it in the dryer for me (shes the best). i woke up at 810, and i packed up my stuff. i apologized for not being fun today and went on my way. took the 845 train to jamaica.
i texted the enigma on the train, i asked "how do you feel about haunted places?" and he replied right away: "good. talk to me. im listening." so i sent a few texts with some stuff about them, and he was like "im down." so im kinda psyched. i just texted him that i wished i was on li so we could hang out again tonight, and he said he wished i was there also and that made me really happy. see, hopes rising. fairly dangerous. i think i will belay them a bit by trying to not overtext with him too much. i think perhaps i will either wait to hear from him or wait till i have something to say, like about my job or moving or something. he looked so hot last night, and he was so cozy and i had so much fun and the conversation was so good, and we just clicked and connected and i want him to come home and want to be with me so bad.. but i know that is like to wish impossible things.. i wanna see what happens though. hope is my strongest suit.
soo. that is that. now you can see how my hopes might be getting into the danger zone. perhaps i should just kill myself.
*sigh*
dashboard
so i had my lyrics picked out. i was gonna go with "harden my heart" bc i was feeling particularly free on sunday, i was feeling like letting go a little in the car on the way to the beach, and then bam! everything changes. oh, suspense! you shall read and find out...
so what was the last thing i posted? perhaps i should peruse the blog.. im not sure where i left off.. ... ah, ok. friday. soooo saturday was intense i think i was tired and it wasnt busy. i made $41. greaaaat. came home, talked to candace, and made arrangements for us to head out to sea cliff later. we took the 938 train, met up with mike and went to olive garden. mmm salad and bread sticks.. i had three of these frozen peach wonderful things, they were belinis i think, but they were the anti-intoxicating, as i did not even feel a slight buzz off of my three. we went to mikes, smoked, watched tv. played crazy eights. bed.
sunday.. went to the beach with mike and candace. it was overcast and cold for a little while, and i got a little more golden and freshly tan looking, which is nice. i hadnt been to the beach in a few weeks, since i had family stuff, and it rained one sunday. plus the interviews and all that jazz. i cannot believe the summer is almost over i mean, i wished for it to end, but it feels like its drawing to a close.. i know its only august 10, but. it just feels final. so anyway. i forgot my discman (boo). candace and i had a coloring contest, which she proclaimed a tie, but definitely she won. we came back to brooklyn later, and we drove into one of the most beautiful sunsets i have ever seen in my entire life. the three of us walked to bedford pizza. ate, walked home. we took a bunch of pictures all day, at the beach, of the sunset, of graffiti i like and will miss.. came home, and watched the mothman prophecies, which was like the anti-scary and i am glad i did not see it with a boy i would wanna cuddle with. it was nothing like the book, so you know. after the movie i was IMing with the enigma boy, and he told me that he and the girl broke up, and that he thinks its for good, and that its for the best. he admitted he hadnt been happy in two years, and we talked about it a little. i did not ask what this meant for us. i figure i will wait a little while, and let him get over her all the way. i dont want to have drama again, i dont want to feel rejected (although im sure i will if we dont end up together anyway)..we talked about how we're gonna hang out all the time when i move to li.. i felt good. i def do not have my hopes up, which is muy bueno, but i can feel them getting there..
soooo monday. ok. i wake up, watch tv with mike, talk to kim for a while.. mike and i take a nap, then we head out to li, where he drops me off at mineola and i get on the 854 ronkonkoma train. so im sitting there and i text the boy: "i wish you were still on li. im home for the night, and i could use good cuddles." he responded like an hour later that he was coming home right then, so i was like "come cuddle!" and he said he would stop by in like 6 hours (it was 1030)... so i went upstairs and finished the mothman prophecies the book, and i watched some tv, but i got bored, and at 245 i decided to set my phone alarm for 415, so i could wake up then and text him to see where he was.. so im sleeping and my phone vibrates, and its him. its 411, and he is on his way! i was soo excited i jumped out of bed, and i went and watched for him at the window. considering the time, he made it over in like 10 minutes. he was really tired so i said we could nap. we came in, and he brushed his teeth, then we crawled into my twin size bed, which is always fun. here i have a fullsize, so you dont *have to* cuddle.. but in the twin, we have no choice hehe. and i felt really comfortable, the laura thing wasnt over my head and i felt like it wasnt at all awkward. we laid there and i cuddled with him and rubbed his belly while he watched mtv with his arms around me. we talked about the videos (taking back sunday came on and we talked about that), then we talked about how i have to be an adult if i get this job.. i said i wouldnt, that i would infiltrate grown up society as a kid, still and he was happy. we talked about him going back to school, and i was really encouraging him. he has been saying this to me for TWO years, he wants to get his MA and be a teacher. he wants to teach film/tv. so i found out that his undergrad degree is in communications/broadcasting, and i told him he would probably have to a MA in teaching with specialization in broadcasting. or maybe even english. i told him he could do it in 2 years, and he sounded discouraged and said "yah, full time" but i told him i went half time and did in two.. he would have to take three classes per week, or two and summer classes.. and he could do it in three years only taking two with no summer school.. so i told him he should look into it. he kinda sounded discouraged again, so i decided to take charge here after two years and i said "do you want ME to investigate?" and he was like "would you?" and i said i would, since i know he has lots of computers in the van and we laughed.. then i dont know what happened, i think i decided to full body cuddle him and i was laying across him, and we were cuddling all nice and talking and then we were kissing... it was way yay, and again felt really good without the laura thing over my head.. we watched some more tv, and he was concerned that my mom would be mad he was staying over.. so i told him she cant say anything since my brothers girlfriend lives in the house with my brother, and im 24 years old. then he fell asleep. he cuddled me all night, i was so cozy i fell right asleep after a few minutes of trying to get comfortable around his sleeping self.. cos he passed out the second his head hit the pillow. i turned the tv off at like 630, thats the last i remember. woke up at 915. got up, went to the bathroom to get dressed. i covered him up and closed my door. i talked to my mom, and as i was printing something out to bring to the school with me, she went in my room! i was like "MOM!!" because i mean, there was a naked boy who she doesnt approve of in my bed.. i was trying to be stealth, then i told her he was in there, and she was like "WHAT?!" and i repeated myself. she asked what he was doing in my room, and i replied "sleeping." there it ended. i went back in and he had put his boxers on but went back to sleep. i cuddled with him all dressed up, and he asked if i got in trouble. i said no, and apologized that she had come in. he fell back asleep and i got up again, put on some make up, came in and was giving him little kisses and he was smiling and hugging me, and it was yay. so my mom left, and he got up and we left. i was in a hurry so i quick kissed him and hugged him and he said "ill see you" which is his classic sign off. i kissed him again and he was like "let me know how it goes" and i smiled and we both drove off. and i sat there in my car, thinking how awesome it would be if i woke up like this every single morning..... la la land.. got to my interview, talked to the principal, she was really nice and she said that there are 4 positions and there were 4 interviews, so im in, but they will offer me a position this week or early next week. i reallllly dont want the part-time one, its only 2 classes, and the pay cannot be more than 10 or 15 thousand. which means i would have to make an additional 15 to 20 thousand at another part-time job, that i would have to work nights and weekends at so i could be at school for 2 hours of the day. so im wayyy stressing. perhaps prematurely, bc it looks like everything is in order and i hope to get one of the leave replacement positions, cos at least that is full time. it may not be tenure track, but it will do.
after that i went to the other school to fill out a paper application, and to submit a writing sample. i bullshit my way through an essay. woo. it took me like half hour. then i called kim, and i met up with her for some lunch in huntington village. we had diner. it was ok, not good, but ok. then we got ices, and then we went to this huge drug store and acted like children. she said i looked like a hooker in my interview suit. the lady working at the drug store told me i was beautiful, and i blushed and thanked her. then i said "HA!" to kim, bc obviously i *didnt* look like a hooker. she kept laughing and saying i was reminding her of vegas. i then headed home so i could not hit too much traffic. got home, talked to mom for a little. she again asked me why the boy was here.. i told her we fell asleep watching tv, and it was great, we talked about a lot of things and i was happy, so she said ok, but with that skeptical mom tone. i went to lay down, and i fell asleep for a while. i got up for a minute, put my laundry in, and went back to sleep. my mom put it in the dryer for me (shes the best). i woke up at 810, and i packed up my stuff. i apologized for not being fun today and went on my way. took the 845 train to jamaica.
i texted the enigma on the train, i asked "how do you feel about haunted places?" and he replied right away: "good. talk to me. im listening." so i sent a few texts with some stuff about them, and he was like "im down." so im kinda psyched. i just texted him that i wished i was on li so we could hang out again tonight, and he said he wished i was there also and that made me really happy. see, hopes rising. fairly dangerous. i think i will belay them a bit by trying to not overtext with him too much. i think perhaps i will either wait to hear from him or wait till i have something to say, like about my job or moving or something. he looked so hot last night, and he was so cozy and i had so much fun and the conversation was so good, and we just clicked and connected and i want him to come home and want to be with me so bad.. but i know that is like to wish impossible things.. i wanna see what happens though. hope is my strongest suit.
soo. that is that. now you can see how my hopes might be getting into the danger zone. perhaps i should just kill myself.
*sigh*
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