Friday, August 13, 2004
i suppose i owe an entry here. nothing has been happening, my life has been wierd and annoying and confusing. as if that were anything new. but... work has been very sucky and difficult, people have been horrible, both guests and employees. its just not the same anymore. no good people are ever there. its lonely and frustrating, and fucking new people dont do sidework. i was there 2 hours after we closed tonight cleaning bc motherfuckers left with no signatures.
anyway. i cant believe governor mcgreevey has resigned due to his gayness. additionally, i cannot believe this qualifies as breaking news.
things with the enigma have been more confusing than ever before. i started chatting with him on AIM the other day after i posted.. we talked about nothing in particular, in fact i really cant remember what we talked about at first. but then we talked about getting him back to school, we determined where he wants to go (somewhere on li, optimally the cheapest one), and what he wants to study. so i will look into it for him soon. he's going to be busy on tour with tbp till sept 20ish, then with tih from oct 2 till late november, so i have plenty of time. i think i need to take care of my business before i take care of his, so once i find out when im moving and where im moving and if i get this job i will settle myself a bit and do some boy research. then we started talking about me moving home, and i said i didnt want to move, that i want to make it a stopping point bc i need to start over somewhere else.. which turned into him asking what im trying to leave behind, and i said issues and crap ive been through.. he said i should just think differently.. this followed:
me: bc its like issues, you know. i cant automatically start trusting people, and thinking that they arent just going to hurt me in the end anyway
him: yeah. I have problems getting close to girls
me: why do you have problems getting close to girls?
him: cause I can't trust them... I always get hurt when I convince myself to trust that they won't hurt me
me: well i mean maybe its just that you havent been with the right girls.
him: probably right
me: for me, its like anytime anyone is ever interested in me, i feel like they are insincere, and that its just a game to get me to go to bed with them. i want someone to prove me wrong, i think thats what it would take for me to move past it, someone would have to prove to me that i could trust them.
him: I'm in similar shoes I guess. I need someone to just love me for who i am and actually be there for me... not be selfish.. just to prove every bad thought that I have wrong
me: well...i mean.. there is pretty much someone in yr life who kinda fits that description
him: yeah?
me: yah..
him: i have a prob. trusting that though
me: i dont understand how. because i mean.. for 7 years i have been here, and ive cared about you for who you are, ive never asked you to be anything you couldnt be and i feel like i have always been supportive even if it hurts me in the end.. i dont know what else you would need...
him: i know.
me: i mean im not trying to make a lobby for myself or anything im just saying.. i think it should be blatently apparent that i like you for you and i always have..
him: yeah.. I'm just afraid I guess
me: of what
him: just relationships
me: well i mean its not my style to push anything, im very whatever will be will be, and like i said im sure that my life will work out the way its supposed to in the end, but i think you should know that i really do like you for you, and being with you makes me happy. and really, i want you to be happy.
him: I think I know that.
me: heh, like i said last month, all i want is for you to look forward to hanging out with me when you are coming home :)
him: and I will.. I'm sure
me: see that makes me happy.
him: I'm sleepy so I'm gonna go to bed.
me: alright.
him: I'll talk to you tomorrow.. everything ok?
me: yah everything is good.
him: good. you rule.. and I like you a lot.. you should know that
me: i think i do.
him: good.. goodnight pretty
yah. so make sense of that, please. kim said she thinks its like.. he obviously cares about me and has feelings and stuff, but that hes not likely to act on it now or soon. which i said is fine bc i dont wanna be jumping into the exgirls shoes.. but i dunno. its way ambiguous. its almost like hes saying yah i know you fit the description but its not enough. sometimes i think that i could love him with every ounce of my being and i still wouldnt be enough for him. maybe he will never be content. maybe its not important. i am sticking to my conviction that its going to have to be all or nothing within a reasonable period of time after he comes back from tour and i am living on li.. i cant do this forever, i cant be held back. if i have to say goodbye, i have to say goodbye. it will hurt, but ive done it before. i have to be ready first, i dont want to make a threat i wont be good on.. but i think if i said goodbye he wouldnt be able to walk away. i tried.. in june. remember, 8 days? yah.. so i dont know.
he didnt text me 'tomorrow' (yesterday) but i texted him at like 1030 bc i as having a bad night at work and i wanted to hear from him. soo we exchanged a few texts and then he stopped. then today when i was walking home from therapy i got a vibrate, and he had texted me that he though he lost the book i lent him (the perks of being a wallflower) and he was upset cos he was really into it. so i said i would mail him my other copy if he had an address where he would be staying next week, but then he found it when he looked through the van while they were getting gas. and he stopped texting me. so whatever, i didnt text him again, but then i did at like 2 when i got home bc i had a bad night and i wanted a hug.. he said 'aww id love to help you out. what happened?' so i told him and then he told me about his night, and he said he was tired so i said i wouldnt keep him and i hoped he had sweet dreams, and he said 'goodnight gorgeous.' aww. so im kinda still confused bc we had this weird convo sunday night, and hes still being semi-sweet, which is uncharacteristic of him. he usually kinda draws away after one of our discussions about the lack of an 'us'. arggggh. i dont care.
im goin to bed. im tired.
anyway. i cant believe governor mcgreevey has resigned due to his gayness. additionally, i cannot believe this qualifies as breaking news.
things with the enigma have been more confusing than ever before. i started chatting with him on AIM the other day after i posted.. we talked about nothing in particular, in fact i really cant remember what we talked about at first. but then we talked about getting him back to school, we determined where he wants to go (somewhere on li, optimally the cheapest one), and what he wants to study. so i will look into it for him soon. he's going to be busy on tour with tbp till sept 20ish, then with tih from oct 2 till late november, so i have plenty of time. i think i need to take care of my business before i take care of his, so once i find out when im moving and where im moving and if i get this job i will settle myself a bit and do some boy research. then we started talking about me moving home, and i said i didnt want to move, that i want to make it a stopping point bc i need to start over somewhere else.. which turned into him asking what im trying to leave behind, and i said issues and crap ive been through.. he said i should just think differently.. this followed:
me: bc its like issues, you know. i cant automatically start trusting people, and thinking that they arent just going to hurt me in the end anyway
him: yeah. I have problems getting close to girls
me: why do you have problems getting close to girls?
him: cause I can't trust them... I always get hurt when I convince myself to trust that they won't hurt me
me: well i mean maybe its just that you havent been with the right girls.
him: probably right
me: for me, its like anytime anyone is ever interested in me, i feel like they are insincere, and that its just a game to get me to go to bed with them. i want someone to prove me wrong, i think thats what it would take for me to move past it, someone would have to prove to me that i could trust them.
him: I'm in similar shoes I guess. I need someone to just love me for who i am and actually be there for me... not be selfish.. just to prove every bad thought that I have wrong
me: well...i mean.. there is pretty much someone in yr life who kinda fits that description
him: yeah?
me: yah..
him: i have a prob. trusting that though
me: i dont understand how. because i mean.. for 7 years i have been here, and ive cared about you for who you are, ive never asked you to be anything you couldnt be and i feel like i have always been supportive even if it hurts me in the end.. i dont know what else you would need...
him: i know.
me: i mean im not trying to make a lobby for myself or anything im just saying.. i think it should be blatently apparent that i like you for you and i always have..
him: yeah.. I'm just afraid I guess
me: of what
him: just relationships
me: well i mean its not my style to push anything, im very whatever will be will be, and like i said im sure that my life will work out the way its supposed to in the end, but i think you should know that i really do like you for you, and being with you makes me happy. and really, i want you to be happy.
him: I think I know that.
me: heh, like i said last month, all i want is for you to look forward to hanging out with me when you are coming home :)
him: and I will.. I'm sure
me: see that makes me happy.
him: I'm sleepy so I'm gonna go to bed.
me: alright.
him: I'll talk to you tomorrow.. everything ok?
me: yah everything is good.
him: good. you rule.. and I like you a lot.. you should know that
me: i think i do.
him: good.. goodnight pretty
yah. so make sense of that, please. kim said she thinks its like.. he obviously cares about me and has feelings and stuff, but that hes not likely to act on it now or soon. which i said is fine bc i dont wanna be jumping into the exgirls shoes.. but i dunno. its way ambiguous. its almost like hes saying yah i know you fit the description but its not enough. sometimes i think that i could love him with every ounce of my being and i still wouldnt be enough for him. maybe he will never be content. maybe its not important. i am sticking to my conviction that its going to have to be all or nothing within a reasonable period of time after he comes back from tour and i am living on li.. i cant do this forever, i cant be held back. if i have to say goodbye, i have to say goodbye. it will hurt, but ive done it before. i have to be ready first, i dont want to make a threat i wont be good on.. but i think if i said goodbye he wouldnt be able to walk away. i tried.. in june. remember, 8 days? yah.. so i dont know.
he didnt text me 'tomorrow' (yesterday) but i texted him at like 1030 bc i as having a bad night at work and i wanted to hear from him. soo we exchanged a few texts and then he stopped. then today when i was walking home from therapy i got a vibrate, and he had texted me that he though he lost the book i lent him (the perks of being a wallflower) and he was upset cos he was really into it. so i said i would mail him my other copy if he had an address where he would be staying next week, but then he found it when he looked through the van while they were getting gas. and he stopped texting me. so whatever, i didnt text him again, but then i did at like 2 when i got home bc i had a bad night and i wanted a hug.. he said 'aww id love to help you out. what happened?' so i told him and then he told me about his night, and he said he was tired so i said i wouldnt keep him and i hoped he had sweet dreams, and he said 'goodnight gorgeous.' aww. so im kinda still confused bc we had this weird convo sunday night, and hes still being semi-sweet, which is uncharacteristic of him. he usually kinda draws away after one of our discussions about the lack of an 'us'. arggggh. i dont care.
im goin to bed. im tired.
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