Wednesday, August 04, 2004
*watch me break and watch me burn, no one is listenin, my friends.. i made my bed ill lay in it, i made my bed ill die in it, i made my bed ill lay in it, i made my bed i'll die in it.*
hole.
i decided to listen to hole today. i havent done that in months. i have not heard back frm northport school district. i am not a candidate of choice, apparently. im kinda bummed about that..
i had therapy. i told her about my dreams.. i told her about the nightmare from yesterday and i told her about that awful subway dream i had a while back.. that got us into talking about dying, bc i was saying how i dont have trouble sleeping or falling back asleep when i wake up, but i hate falling asleep bc i lay there worried im going to die for like 2 hours before i can sleep. i told her the pattern: i lay down, i feel really sleepy, but then all the sudden ill start thinking about how people die in their sleep.. im like "i could die of a stroke. i could be a vegetable. wait, i think everyone who is important to me knows i dont wanna stay on life support.. but wait again, bc if they took me off life support i would die.." and this line of thought continues for a while. then i start thinking about dying itself, and the afterlife and that crap. and i think "well, if there is reincarnation, then that sucks bc i dont think anymore.. my soul would come back, i guess, but the rest of me would be different, and this life i lived would still have been a waste" which leads to "i wonder if there is a God" which leads to "well, if there is, he better not take me tonight bc this has been too painful to have been for nothing" which makes me kinda pissed and worried at the same time. and its bothersome. she said we'll have to talk more about this, bc my session was up.
michael is still here. well, right now he is out, getting himself food. im starving, but i dont have any money and he only had $7, so i said i wasnt hungry. i gave him $1.60 in dimes and nickels, so i guess he has $8.60 and whatever change he had on him. plus i gave him $1.50 to get me a bottle of water while he was out. i have more change, so i suppose i could have given him a bunch more to get me something, too, but then i would have to accompany him on the walk, and i dont want to. i have work at 4, so i have to leave in 40 minutes anyway. which means i have to get ready now.. xoxo
hole.
i decided to listen to hole today. i havent done that in months. i have not heard back frm northport school district. i am not a candidate of choice, apparently. im kinda bummed about that..
i had therapy. i told her about my dreams.. i told her about the nightmare from yesterday and i told her about that awful subway dream i had a while back.. that got us into talking about dying, bc i was saying how i dont have trouble sleeping or falling back asleep when i wake up, but i hate falling asleep bc i lay there worried im going to die for like 2 hours before i can sleep. i told her the pattern: i lay down, i feel really sleepy, but then all the sudden ill start thinking about how people die in their sleep.. im like "i could die of a stroke. i could be a vegetable. wait, i think everyone who is important to me knows i dont wanna stay on life support.. but wait again, bc if they took me off life support i would die.." and this line of thought continues for a while. then i start thinking about dying itself, and the afterlife and that crap. and i think "well, if there is reincarnation, then that sucks bc i dont think anymore.. my soul would come back, i guess, but the rest of me would be different, and this life i lived would still have been a waste" which leads to "i wonder if there is a God" which leads to "well, if there is, he better not take me tonight bc this has been too painful to have been for nothing" which makes me kinda pissed and worried at the same time. and its bothersome. she said we'll have to talk more about this, bc my session was up.
michael is still here. well, right now he is out, getting himself food. im starving, but i dont have any money and he only had $7, so i said i wasnt hungry. i gave him $1.60 in dimes and nickels, so i guess he has $8.60 and whatever change he had on him. plus i gave him $1.50 to get me a bottle of water while he was out. i have more change, so i suppose i could have given him a bunch more to get me something, too, but then i would have to accompany him on the walk, and i dont want to. i have work at 4, so i have to leave in 40 minutes anyway. which means i have to get ready now.. xoxo
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