Thursday, January 29, 2004
kimberly asked me to be her valentine last night. we were getting ready to leave. i said of course we could be valentines.. but she has a real valentine. she told me that if he gets a job and takes her out, then he can be a co-valentine, but we will be valentines, and get special valentine grilled cheeses at the diner after work. maybe she'll get me roses again this year, and we can be scandalous. last year, she got me a half dozen roses. i put them in the glass in the side station, and israel stole one and gave it to jolynn. i was so mad. i still have the remaining five, though. i got her a little stuffed frog.
i'd kind of forgotten that valentines day was on the horizon. as a general rule, i hate valentines day. but i secretly love it, and want to go out and be adored. ive only had one really good valentines day. lets see. ive been participating in the holiday since i was 15. (although im always my dads valentine, bc im his little girl). so.. ok, 1995 was mark. he didnt get me anything, and we didnt do anything. 1996 i was single. 1997 i was in 11th grade.. i dont think i had a boy, i think that was when kurt and i were officially over (as of late january), and i was probably moping. 1998 i went to see inside and error type:11 play acoustic at this center in port washington. i went with jenn and ryan and alex and davin. afterward we went to this diner, and some musclehead ass guy waited on us, and we stiffed him. 1999, i was going out with steve. he had bronchitis, and he had gone home from college bc of it. he didn't even call. we broke up when he got back, bc i was just a rebound. 2000. the only realllly good valentines day. chaz took me to this resturant called pelligrino's in little italy. we got dressed up and i had lemongrass ravioli. i think we might have gone to the movies afterward. he got me a beautiful bracelet and a basket of perfume related items. *sigh* 2001 was my first valentines day with nick, which was also pretty good. i was in the vagina monologues, and then he recreated our first date. we went to the pizza place on st. marks, then we went to yaffa cafe for banana cheesecake, and then to the movie theatre we went to on our first date. and he made me a heart shaped chocolate chip cookie. i dont remember what we did in 2002. oh. i was in the vagina monologues again. my dad came all the way from LI to see me, and he brought me roses, and i was so happy. then i think nick and i went out to dinner, though i cant remember where or what we did. then finally we have 2003. i was kims valentine. everyone talked about that. we were secret lesbians. i worked a double, and i made like $60, which was something like 8% of my sales.. cos really, think about it. what kind of guy takes his girl to CHEVY'S for valentines day? riiiight. this year will probably be the same. i'll work, and i'll be valentines with kim. and no one will get dressed up with me, or take me out, or tell me they love me. though i might get flowers from my girlfriend lol.
so anyway, now im kinda bummed. because its not like i *need* someone for valentines day, or i'll be upset bc i dont have someone. but i hate to see all those people in love, like flaunting it in front of me.. and me being like, well yah. i was in love once, and i destroyed it. or, yah i think i love you, but what the hell is this situation, what do you want from me, why don't you make time, i dont think you love me anymore. are you a distraction? is yr purpose to keep me from falling for someone here? because im leaving, and i know i dont want to get involved with anyone here to prevent dealing with breaking it off, or making something work long distance. but i dont know. i know when yr here, i feel warm and happy, and the warm fuzzies erupt in my belly.. and there are sparks when you hug me, and i cannot describe the insurmountable tension between us.. and im in love with the image of our first kiss.. laying on the couch.. it plays in slow motion in my head. i remember taking swigs of tequila from the bottle, watching 8 mile. i remember sitting right beside you, as our hands touched and i felt sparks. you rubbed my hand, you tangled yr fingers in mine. i cuddled up next to you. i went to the bathroom, and when i came back, you were laying on the couch. so i just layed on top of you. i slid off, and buried my head in yr chest. "my hopes are so high that yr kiss might kill me." so many things were running through my head.. do i want this, do i want you, do you want me, you have a girlfriend.. the movie ended, and we laid there together. you kept burying yr face in me, breathing the words "yr so tempting.." it was my face and yr face, you telling me how soft i am, yr face and my face.. and then it stops playing in slow motion and its happening. so playful and breezy and all i ever expected it to be. i kept thinking about 1997, and what i wrote back then.. how i'd hoped to go to RI with you, so i could curl up next to you and fall asleep. and all the times i'd written "i want to kiss you, just to know what it feels like." and i was finally knowing.. as you said "why didnt we do this five years ago?" or "you feel so good" or just sighing and smiling. we fell asleep together. and i have not stopped thinking of you since.
how did this post go this way? all i meant to say was that kimberly and i would be valentines again.. see. you fucking consume me.
i'd kind of forgotten that valentines day was on the horizon. as a general rule, i hate valentines day. but i secretly love it, and want to go out and be adored. ive only had one really good valentines day. lets see. ive been participating in the holiday since i was 15. (although im always my dads valentine, bc im his little girl). so.. ok, 1995 was mark. he didnt get me anything, and we didnt do anything. 1996 i was single. 1997 i was in 11th grade.. i dont think i had a boy, i think that was when kurt and i were officially over (as of late january), and i was probably moping. 1998 i went to see inside and error type:11 play acoustic at this center in port washington. i went with jenn and ryan and alex and davin. afterward we went to this diner, and some musclehead ass guy waited on us, and we stiffed him. 1999, i was going out with steve. he had bronchitis, and he had gone home from college bc of it. he didn't even call. we broke up when he got back, bc i was just a rebound. 2000. the only realllly good valentines day. chaz took me to this resturant called pelligrino's in little italy. we got dressed up and i had lemongrass ravioli. i think we might have gone to the movies afterward. he got me a beautiful bracelet and a basket of perfume related items. *sigh* 2001 was my first valentines day with nick, which was also pretty good. i was in the vagina monologues, and then he recreated our first date. we went to the pizza place on st. marks, then we went to yaffa cafe for banana cheesecake, and then to the movie theatre we went to on our first date. and he made me a heart shaped chocolate chip cookie. i dont remember what we did in 2002. oh. i was in the vagina monologues again. my dad came all the way from LI to see me, and he brought me roses, and i was so happy. then i think nick and i went out to dinner, though i cant remember where or what we did. then finally we have 2003. i was kims valentine. everyone talked about that. we were secret lesbians. i worked a double, and i made like $60, which was something like 8% of my sales.. cos really, think about it. what kind of guy takes his girl to CHEVY'S for valentines day? riiiight. this year will probably be the same. i'll work, and i'll be valentines with kim. and no one will get dressed up with me, or take me out, or tell me they love me. though i might get flowers from my girlfriend lol.
so anyway, now im kinda bummed. because its not like i *need* someone for valentines day, or i'll be upset bc i dont have someone. but i hate to see all those people in love, like flaunting it in front of me.. and me being like, well yah. i was in love once, and i destroyed it. or, yah i think i love you, but what the hell is this situation, what do you want from me, why don't you make time, i dont think you love me anymore. are you a distraction? is yr purpose to keep me from falling for someone here? because im leaving, and i know i dont want to get involved with anyone here to prevent dealing with breaking it off, or making something work long distance. but i dont know. i know when yr here, i feel warm and happy, and the warm fuzzies erupt in my belly.. and there are sparks when you hug me, and i cannot describe the insurmountable tension between us.. and im in love with the image of our first kiss.. laying on the couch.. it plays in slow motion in my head. i remember taking swigs of tequila from the bottle, watching 8 mile. i remember sitting right beside you, as our hands touched and i felt sparks. you rubbed my hand, you tangled yr fingers in mine. i cuddled up next to you. i went to the bathroom, and when i came back, you were laying on the couch. so i just layed on top of you. i slid off, and buried my head in yr chest. "my hopes are so high that yr kiss might kill me." so many things were running through my head.. do i want this, do i want you, do you want me, you have a girlfriend.. the movie ended, and we laid there together. you kept burying yr face in me, breathing the words "yr so tempting.." it was my face and yr face, you telling me how soft i am, yr face and my face.. and then it stops playing in slow motion and its happening. so playful and breezy and all i ever expected it to be. i kept thinking about 1997, and what i wrote back then.. how i'd hoped to go to RI with you, so i could curl up next to you and fall asleep. and all the times i'd written "i want to kiss you, just to know what it feels like." and i was finally knowing.. as you said "why didnt we do this five years ago?" or "you feel so good" or just sighing and smiling. we fell asleep together. and i have not stopped thinking of you since.
how did this post go this way? all i meant to say was that kimberly and i would be valentines again.. see. you fucking consume me.
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