Saturday, January 24, 2004
*well i never meant to become like you, full of hopelessness.. we always fall, but not always together and this is what scares me the most* penfold.
its 3:30. im tired. i know as soon as i go lay down, i wont fall asleep. i'll turn on the swiss army romance, bc it lulls me.. but it'll end. and i'll start it over. and feel like i will never fall asleep.. i'll toss and turn. face left. face right. try fetal position. flip onto my back. back to facing left. stare at the big red numbers on the clock.. jesse suggested some pills. sleeping pills make me feel like crap.
its been harder and harder to get out of bed on saturday and sunday mornings. i think im so jaded with going to work. alienated from myself. you know. fuckin capitalism...
*in the backroom at chevys*
marjorie: man, i wish i could not work. why cant i just stay home?
gille: yah. too bad we live in a capitalist world, where we have to sell our labor to earn money to exchange for goods and services.
marjorie: i dont need the finer things, just give me an acre and a mule.
gille: ah, but you'd have to work to earn the money to purchase said acre and mule. then property taxes.. yah, its not set up for you to just exist peacefully on yr acre. sorry.
marjorie: i just want to grow mangoes. i'd throw parties. they would be BYOBB. bring yr own brown bag.
all: laughter...
*exit our characters*
the bouncing souls are on conan. its a repeat from friday night. a week ago. i know this bc when i went to the show last week, the enigma was making phone calls to see if someone could tape it for his band mates.
*yr eyes have all the answers and im wrong*
i miss you. have i told you this lately? well. i do. i know i saw you last friday. i know that was only a week ago. but it wasnt just us. it was crowded. i had to play the secret role. i think i rolled my eyes when you hugged me. "we'll hang out soon." you say that all the time. we haven't hung out in a month. january first. the first day of the new year. i wanna cuddle. i need some good hugs. lets watch a movie. valentines day is approaching. i hate that day. sometimes i entertain the idea that you'll want to see me, that you'll want me to be yr valentine. lofty dreams, gille.. id bet money that you spend the day with her. but you seem so.. i dont know. you seem like you really wanna see me. you seem like you genuinely want to hang out soon.. maybe things didnt work out. maybe you havent gotten any since the last time we were together. i'd be yr valentine. i'd be yr anything. i'd be the girl you wake up to every morning for the rest of yr life. the words slip off the tips of my fingers before i can stop myself. and i dont believe in deleting what i wrote. cos i said it for a reason. and to erase it would be denying i felt that way. and continue to feel that way.
*standing outside the workplace, smoking a cigarette*
...back then, i always knew that things would fall apart. the last time i saw you in 1997 i felt it, i remember it clear as day. it was the night that we sat on my bedroom floor, reading YM to each other and doing headstands. i remember you told me that you loved when i played with yr hair. we talked about how many people we'd kissed. it got late. you had to go. i walked you to the door. we stood at the top of the steps, and i hugged you so tight. then something dropped inside of me.. and suddenly it flashed into my head.. "i'll never see him again. this is it." you pulled away from the hug, and you kissed my neck. it made me shiver. i wanted to beg you not to go, i wanted to put my arms around you and make you stay. but i didnt. i let you leave. and i watched the door shut behind you...
i was right back then. i thought i would never see you again, and i didnt. it was not too long after that you called me in tears.. and you said you needed time.. and i wasnt up to playing that game with you anymore.. sure, i saw you at shows, but it didnt mean anything. i wasnt even nice to you. but as far as i knew, for four years i thought i would never see you again. at least not how i wanted to.
but its different now. when i have flashes of whats to come, i see you holding a child, smiling. i hear yr voice. if i was right back then, am i right now?
*time to go, throw cigarette, face job*
im not miserable. i realized this tonight. it kind of crept up on me.. a little voice, interjecting.. "gille.. you havent been miserable in a long time." and it was right. i havent been. i've had ruts, ive felt sad. but i havent been unbearably miserable. i think im learning to be myself. i dont need someone else to make me strong. im strong on my own, i can stand on my own, i can deal with the ups and downs of life without a crutch. for eight years i was always "gille and ..." (though now im "gille and kim," but that doesnt count). but for the past year and a half, i've been just gille. and i like it. i can do whatever i want, whenever i want. i spent a lot of time thinking. i figured out what *i* want in my life, how i want to live, what i want to be and what will be best for me. without having to consult another, or take him into consideration. for eight years i made each decision with someone else in mind. i didnt go to grad school far away because of nick. i didnt transfer out of pace bc of chaz. i mean, i guess those decisions got me where i am today, but this is a critical time in my life. and i've made my decisions. im moving back to long island, not for anyone else but for myself. im going to teach high school. i dont have to meet anyones expectations or think about what would be in OUR best interest. you cant feel complete without knowing loneliness. for the first year of my single journey, i thought i would never make it. i thought i *had* to meet someone, or else i would never be myself again, i would never be able to be whole or happy. and i obsessed over the fact that there was no one to call up when i'd had a particularly bad day, or even an especially good one. i thought my bed was too big and lonely, and i longed to curl up with someone else. but thats all changed. i love my big bed, i love taking up the whole thing and squirming all i want. i kind of like watching whatever i want, not having to compete with some boy over what we'll watch or do or see. just work and school and play for me.
one day i'll be ready to share my life with someone else again. and i'd be lying if i said i didnt hope that that person would be you, my beautiful enigma boy.
*late one night, in a year or so*
its around 11 pm. im getting ready for bed.
my phone vibrates..
"i need a hug. are you home? im outside."
i go to the door, and there you are. you wrap yr arms around me. and then you say: "eight years in the making.. im finally ready to be with you and only you. i love you. i always have."
and then i cry, and i look into yr eyes, and i say: "i always knew it would be you and i."
*stage lights dim, characters exit*
because i know that seven years doesnt mean nothing, and i know that the fact that we have constantly gravitated back to each other is not for naught. maybe its learning patience. i've been waiting patiently since may 20, 1997. because i always knew you meant it when you used to tell me you loved me every night. and i see the way yr eyes light up now, and i hear the way yr voice flutters out of yr mouth when you talk to me.
*subway, on the way to work*
its next year. yr going on tour. i kiss yr forehead, and i tell you to have fun. cos i know yr coming home to me.
these are the only flashes of the future i get now. when you leave, i dont ache for you, i dont KNOW that this is the last time i'll see you. because i will always see you again. we're like magnets. no matter what happens, we find our way back. its in the stars...
maybe i'll go to bed. lay there for a while.
*its cold where yr going, i hope that yr hearts always warm*
its 3:30. im tired. i know as soon as i go lay down, i wont fall asleep. i'll turn on the swiss army romance, bc it lulls me.. but it'll end. and i'll start it over. and feel like i will never fall asleep.. i'll toss and turn. face left. face right. try fetal position. flip onto my back. back to facing left. stare at the big red numbers on the clock.. jesse suggested some pills. sleeping pills make me feel like crap.
its been harder and harder to get out of bed on saturday and sunday mornings. i think im so jaded with going to work. alienated from myself. you know. fuckin capitalism...
*in the backroom at chevys*
marjorie: man, i wish i could not work. why cant i just stay home?
gille: yah. too bad we live in a capitalist world, where we have to sell our labor to earn money to exchange for goods and services.
marjorie: i dont need the finer things, just give me an acre and a mule.
gille: ah, but you'd have to work to earn the money to purchase said acre and mule. then property taxes.. yah, its not set up for you to just exist peacefully on yr acre. sorry.
marjorie: i just want to grow mangoes. i'd throw parties. they would be BYOBB. bring yr own brown bag.
all: laughter...
*exit our characters*
the bouncing souls are on conan. its a repeat from friday night. a week ago. i know this bc when i went to the show last week, the enigma was making phone calls to see if someone could tape it for his band mates.
*yr eyes have all the answers and im wrong*
i miss you. have i told you this lately? well. i do. i know i saw you last friday. i know that was only a week ago. but it wasnt just us. it was crowded. i had to play the secret role. i think i rolled my eyes when you hugged me. "we'll hang out soon." you say that all the time. we haven't hung out in a month. january first. the first day of the new year. i wanna cuddle. i need some good hugs. lets watch a movie. valentines day is approaching. i hate that day. sometimes i entertain the idea that you'll want to see me, that you'll want me to be yr valentine. lofty dreams, gille.. id bet money that you spend the day with her. but you seem so.. i dont know. you seem like you really wanna see me. you seem like you genuinely want to hang out soon.. maybe things didnt work out. maybe you havent gotten any since the last time we were together. i'd be yr valentine. i'd be yr anything. i'd be the girl you wake up to every morning for the rest of yr life. the words slip off the tips of my fingers before i can stop myself. and i dont believe in deleting what i wrote. cos i said it for a reason. and to erase it would be denying i felt that way. and continue to feel that way.
*standing outside the workplace, smoking a cigarette*
...back then, i always knew that things would fall apart. the last time i saw you in 1997 i felt it, i remember it clear as day. it was the night that we sat on my bedroom floor, reading YM to each other and doing headstands. i remember you told me that you loved when i played with yr hair. we talked about how many people we'd kissed. it got late. you had to go. i walked you to the door. we stood at the top of the steps, and i hugged you so tight. then something dropped inside of me.. and suddenly it flashed into my head.. "i'll never see him again. this is it." you pulled away from the hug, and you kissed my neck. it made me shiver. i wanted to beg you not to go, i wanted to put my arms around you and make you stay. but i didnt. i let you leave. and i watched the door shut behind you...
i was right back then. i thought i would never see you again, and i didnt. it was not too long after that you called me in tears.. and you said you needed time.. and i wasnt up to playing that game with you anymore.. sure, i saw you at shows, but it didnt mean anything. i wasnt even nice to you. but as far as i knew, for four years i thought i would never see you again. at least not how i wanted to.
but its different now. when i have flashes of whats to come, i see you holding a child, smiling. i hear yr voice. if i was right back then, am i right now?
*time to go, throw cigarette, face job*
im not miserable. i realized this tonight. it kind of crept up on me.. a little voice, interjecting.. "gille.. you havent been miserable in a long time." and it was right. i havent been. i've had ruts, ive felt sad. but i havent been unbearably miserable. i think im learning to be myself. i dont need someone else to make me strong. im strong on my own, i can stand on my own, i can deal with the ups and downs of life without a crutch. for eight years i was always "gille and ..." (though now im "gille and kim," but that doesnt count). but for the past year and a half, i've been just gille. and i like it. i can do whatever i want, whenever i want. i spent a lot of time thinking. i figured out what *i* want in my life, how i want to live, what i want to be and what will be best for me. without having to consult another, or take him into consideration. for eight years i made each decision with someone else in mind. i didnt go to grad school far away because of nick. i didnt transfer out of pace bc of chaz. i mean, i guess those decisions got me where i am today, but this is a critical time in my life. and i've made my decisions. im moving back to long island, not for anyone else but for myself. im going to teach high school. i dont have to meet anyones expectations or think about what would be in OUR best interest. you cant feel complete without knowing loneliness. for the first year of my single journey, i thought i would never make it. i thought i *had* to meet someone, or else i would never be myself again, i would never be able to be whole or happy. and i obsessed over the fact that there was no one to call up when i'd had a particularly bad day, or even an especially good one. i thought my bed was too big and lonely, and i longed to curl up with someone else. but thats all changed. i love my big bed, i love taking up the whole thing and squirming all i want. i kind of like watching whatever i want, not having to compete with some boy over what we'll watch or do or see. just work and school and play for me.
one day i'll be ready to share my life with someone else again. and i'd be lying if i said i didnt hope that that person would be you, my beautiful enigma boy.
*late one night, in a year or so*
its around 11 pm. im getting ready for bed.
my phone vibrates..
"i need a hug. are you home? im outside."
i go to the door, and there you are. you wrap yr arms around me. and then you say: "eight years in the making.. im finally ready to be with you and only you. i love you. i always have."
and then i cry, and i look into yr eyes, and i say: "i always knew it would be you and i."
*stage lights dim, characters exit*
because i know that seven years doesnt mean nothing, and i know that the fact that we have constantly gravitated back to each other is not for naught. maybe its learning patience. i've been waiting patiently since may 20, 1997. because i always knew you meant it when you used to tell me you loved me every night. and i see the way yr eyes light up now, and i hear the way yr voice flutters out of yr mouth when you talk to me.
*subway, on the way to work*
its next year. yr going on tour. i kiss yr forehead, and i tell you to have fun. cos i know yr coming home to me.
these are the only flashes of the future i get now. when you leave, i dont ache for you, i dont KNOW that this is the last time i'll see you. because i will always see you again. we're like magnets. no matter what happens, we find our way back. its in the stars...
maybe i'll go to bed. lay there for a while.
*its cold where yr going, i hope that yr hearts always warm*
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