Tuesday, January 13, 2004
just got home from therapy and errands. i went to pace, and i was like woooooo i finally submitted all the paperwork for my teacher certification, and i feel like i got something done. i still have to get my fingerprints, but im thinking ill do that thursday. speaking of thursday, i was just listening to them. mmmm so good. gille loves full collapse. *i'm falling to pieces. i cant let go, tearing apart yr lies. i want to live.. its the sound of yr shotgun pulse beating over and over in yr silent halls. its a thought that keeps us alive, it makes us want to rise.* BEST ALBUM EVER. ok maybe not ever, but its certainly in my top five. there is not one song on that cd that i do not love.
so anyway i went to the school of education and finished all that stuff, then i went to bill's office, bc i ran into him on the way in. he gave me motivational tips on how to get my thesis going. he told me that if i dont start soon, he's gonna sic nancy on me, and she is well know as an academic dominatrix. oh my. he wants me to set aside 4 hours a day (!!!) every day to dedicate to my thesis. riiiiiight. maybe on days i go to rutgers for the library. im going to be so boring this semester, researching and playing guitar all the time. thats all i want to do. play guitar. not research, i dont wanna do that at all.
so therapy was ok today. we talked about the kimberly drama, and she said that i wasnt being selfish, bc i worried i was.. i was afraid that i was being selfish in feeling like kim should have told me.. but she reminded me that the nature of our friendship has always been super honest. i mean... the day kim and i became friends was like.. i dont know. i ran into her on the L train, we were both going to work and it turned out that she lived on S. 4th (i was living on S. 3rd). she was all concerned about me bc i'd lost a lot of weight.. and we talked at work and she came over afterward, and we basically just bonded. we sat in my apartment and i told her all about the nick and jan drama, how jan had told me that our friendship was worth less to her than trying out a relationship with nick, and how insignificant that made me feel, and how i had literally just begun to open up to jan the week before and let her into the darkness and the pain of what had been my life until then.. and then she was like "yah, gille, who needs you when i could have a chance with the WORST BOY IN THE WORLD." whatever, though, maybe he isnt so rotten to her. maybe they are still together and in love and planning their life together. maybe my loss was their gain, and maybe i facilitated happiness in someone elses life. that seems to be the role i play, get fucked over so other people can be happy forever.. hey, maybe someday it'll be my turn to have life make sense again. anyway, so we each other our life stories. kim omitted a lot, bc she's a closed person, and i omitted a lot bc i didnt wanna be like "yah, and then i was date raped.." bc i thought maybe we should work up to that.. but we told each other a lot, we both have really dysfunctional family histories, and a lot of the same issues, and we had both been played by jaime.. but we were instant best friends, we instantly trusted each other, and i knew iw ould be able to count on her for everything. i felt like i knew that she wasnt going to be the type of person who hurts others to gain for themselves (which perhaps i might have been wrong about but i love her nonetheless). we started talking like nightly and hanging out all the time and we just got very involved in each others lives and pasts and... its always been that way. i tell her everything, she tells me everything. and so it hurt when she didnt tell me something as major as that, and it also bothered me bc if mikey caught her, then it was gonna get out and i'd hear eventually.. so why couldnt she just tell me herself and skip the fight? but anyway. my therapist concluded that i wasnt being selfish, that i had certain expectations of my friendship with kim, and that those expectations were let down. then i guess she wanted to talk about the enigma, but i had nothing to say. she thinks that we cant be friends, bc hanging out inevitably leads to making out and making out inevitably leads to stuff and stuff inevitably leads to me being sad. i was like, yah youve been saying this for a year now, and nothing changed, so lets talk about something else. and i told her about my sober year with chaz, and how when things began to fall apart, i immediately wanted to do drugs again. in my journal, i wrote something about how i was losing him, how it was my fault for picking fights and pushing him away, and how all i wanted to do was get high. i no longer had my comfort and my happiness, so i wanted to bury it all in being high. and what happened? i met nick, who, when we met, was a sometimes smoker.. but soon that turned into something we did on the weekends, which then turned into if we couldnt get any for a friday night, he would be all pissed off and not even want to talk to me, despite the efforts i made to call people and score some. like it was my fault. so then i started to make sure we always had some, to ensure that he wouldn't throw a temper tantrum, and always having some turned into smoking almost daily, which turned into smoking constantly, before work, before class, after work, after class, at night, later that night, before bed, and all the time. eigths turned into ounces and ounces turned into two at a time, which led to the hiding place in the molding of the wall, and not a sober day since. i'm sober right now. but i havent really been *sober* since chaz and i broke up. the day after we broke up, i got drunk. i hated drinking, and i hated when he drank, and i turned into him. i always take what i hated and make it my own.. like when jon and i stopped seeing each other in 1997, i started smoking marlboro reds, even though i hated them before that. and when steve and i broke up in 1999, i started smoking pot, even though i hated it before that. i absorb all the negative qualities of the people who hurt me. i didn't continue to drink, but i did continue to be fucked up as often as possible. bc when yr not sober, you dont have to face it. i didnt have to face the fact that the love we shared was gone, and that it was all my fault. i still havent faced it. i mean, i have.. and i apologized and i asked for a chance at forgiveness, but its too late. but that hasnt made me stop getting fucked up all the time so that i dont have to deal with the world around me. because i hate the world around me, its not the utopia i built my sophomore year of college, its this bleak desolate land that has more rainy days than sunny days. but my memories of those days are so bright and sunny, i cant look at pictures or think back without there being this aura of peacefulness and glowing. i dont know, maybe thats why i cant get over it, maybe the feelings are dead but the memory of being sober and happy remains. or maybe it wasnt supposed to end that way. maybe i forced my fate and made a terrible series of decisions. no.. no! life has its path, the decisions we make were our only choice bc without them, we cant move on to the next battle, the next creation, the next triumph.. every decision is made before we consciously make it. but then why do i still feel this way about a boy who hates me? why can't i let go?
so anyway i went to the school of education and finished all that stuff, then i went to bill's office, bc i ran into him on the way in. he gave me motivational tips on how to get my thesis going. he told me that if i dont start soon, he's gonna sic nancy on me, and she is well know as an academic dominatrix. oh my. he wants me to set aside 4 hours a day (!!!) every day to dedicate to my thesis. riiiiiight. maybe on days i go to rutgers for the library. im going to be so boring this semester, researching and playing guitar all the time. thats all i want to do. play guitar. not research, i dont wanna do that at all.
so therapy was ok today. we talked about the kimberly drama, and she said that i wasnt being selfish, bc i worried i was.. i was afraid that i was being selfish in feeling like kim should have told me.. but she reminded me that the nature of our friendship has always been super honest. i mean... the day kim and i became friends was like.. i dont know. i ran into her on the L train, we were both going to work and it turned out that she lived on S. 4th (i was living on S. 3rd). she was all concerned about me bc i'd lost a lot of weight.. and we talked at work and she came over afterward, and we basically just bonded. we sat in my apartment and i told her all about the nick and jan drama, how jan had told me that our friendship was worth less to her than trying out a relationship with nick, and how insignificant that made me feel, and how i had literally just begun to open up to jan the week before and let her into the darkness and the pain of what had been my life until then.. and then she was like "yah, gille, who needs you when i could have a chance with the WORST BOY IN THE WORLD." whatever, though, maybe he isnt so rotten to her. maybe they are still together and in love and planning their life together. maybe my loss was their gain, and maybe i facilitated happiness in someone elses life. that seems to be the role i play, get fucked over so other people can be happy forever.. hey, maybe someday it'll be my turn to have life make sense again. anyway, so we each other our life stories. kim omitted a lot, bc she's a closed person, and i omitted a lot bc i didnt wanna be like "yah, and then i was date raped.." bc i thought maybe we should work up to that.. but we told each other a lot, we both have really dysfunctional family histories, and a lot of the same issues, and we had both been played by jaime.. but we were instant best friends, we instantly trusted each other, and i knew iw ould be able to count on her for everything. i felt like i knew that she wasnt going to be the type of person who hurts others to gain for themselves (which perhaps i might have been wrong about but i love her nonetheless). we started talking like nightly and hanging out all the time and we just got very involved in each others lives and pasts and... its always been that way. i tell her everything, she tells me everything. and so it hurt when she didnt tell me something as major as that, and it also bothered me bc if mikey caught her, then it was gonna get out and i'd hear eventually.. so why couldnt she just tell me herself and skip the fight? but anyway. my therapist concluded that i wasnt being selfish, that i had certain expectations of my friendship with kim, and that those expectations were let down. then i guess she wanted to talk about the enigma, but i had nothing to say. she thinks that we cant be friends, bc hanging out inevitably leads to making out and making out inevitably leads to stuff and stuff inevitably leads to me being sad. i was like, yah youve been saying this for a year now, and nothing changed, so lets talk about something else. and i told her about my sober year with chaz, and how when things began to fall apart, i immediately wanted to do drugs again. in my journal, i wrote something about how i was losing him, how it was my fault for picking fights and pushing him away, and how all i wanted to do was get high. i no longer had my comfort and my happiness, so i wanted to bury it all in being high. and what happened? i met nick, who, when we met, was a sometimes smoker.. but soon that turned into something we did on the weekends, which then turned into if we couldnt get any for a friday night, he would be all pissed off and not even want to talk to me, despite the efforts i made to call people and score some. like it was my fault. so then i started to make sure we always had some, to ensure that he wouldn't throw a temper tantrum, and always having some turned into smoking almost daily, which turned into smoking constantly, before work, before class, after work, after class, at night, later that night, before bed, and all the time. eigths turned into ounces and ounces turned into two at a time, which led to the hiding place in the molding of the wall, and not a sober day since. i'm sober right now. but i havent really been *sober* since chaz and i broke up. the day after we broke up, i got drunk. i hated drinking, and i hated when he drank, and i turned into him. i always take what i hated and make it my own.. like when jon and i stopped seeing each other in 1997, i started smoking marlboro reds, even though i hated them before that. and when steve and i broke up in 1999, i started smoking pot, even though i hated it before that. i absorb all the negative qualities of the people who hurt me. i didn't continue to drink, but i did continue to be fucked up as often as possible. bc when yr not sober, you dont have to face it. i didnt have to face the fact that the love we shared was gone, and that it was all my fault. i still havent faced it. i mean, i have.. and i apologized and i asked for a chance at forgiveness, but its too late. but that hasnt made me stop getting fucked up all the time so that i dont have to deal with the world around me. because i hate the world around me, its not the utopia i built my sophomore year of college, its this bleak desolate land that has more rainy days than sunny days. but my memories of those days are so bright and sunny, i cant look at pictures or think back without there being this aura of peacefulness and glowing. i dont know, maybe thats why i cant get over it, maybe the feelings are dead but the memory of being sober and happy remains. or maybe it wasnt supposed to end that way. maybe i forced my fate and made a terrible series of decisions. no.. no! life has its path, the decisions we make were our only choice bc without them, we cant move on to the next battle, the next creation, the next triumph.. every decision is made before we consciously make it. but then why do i still feel this way about a boy who hates me? why can't i let go?
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