Saturday, January 31, 2004
so.. i never fell back asleep. i wanted to, but i also wanted to continue to chat.. so i did. and then it was like 9, and he asked me where i was. i said brooklyn. he said he had to leave by 1, but he would come out. i said i had work at 1230, but that if he got here by 1145, we could have half an hour, on one condition.. and that was that if we met up for so short today, he would try his best to get out here during the week so we could watch a movie and cuddle. i showered and i was like so excited that he was coming. then it was 1145, and he wasnt here, so i sent him a message asking if he was close. exit 28. he said should we just meet up during the week, and i said i felt so bad, he came so far.. and then he was like exit 20. and i said he could drive me to work. so he got here and i met him outside and i hugged him all the way to the car. i was like "im just gonna hug you all the way down the street, ok?" hehe. then i hugged him in the car, and i cuddled with him at very red light. we got lost and it was funny. i was half an hour late to work. we were at a red light, and i kissed him (i made a move! i made a move!) and it was funny bc there was a truck behind us, and he honked and pointed. the light hadnt even changed yet. weirdo. anyway so i go tto work and i hugged him again, then i kissed him on the cheek and he looked at me funny and i went back and i really kissed him.. he was like "i was waiting for that, i was like.. guess im only getting a kiss on the cheek today" and i laughed and kissed him like ten more times. i realllly hope he comes through on monday or tuesday..
so. i got to work and kim was like "WHERE WERE YOU???" looking at me like all i-know-you-did-something.. it was hilarious, actually. i walked in and went to the elevator, and she was at a table, and she actually walked away from it to get in the elevator and yell at me. but i played secretive. she followed me around for like 10 minutes till i finally caved in and told her everything. she was totally upset with me, but happy for me at the same time. she has major issues with me and the enigma. she likes him, but she doesnt like him for me. she was telling randy that she thinks hes a nice guy and stuff, but that he doesnt know what he wants. i was like.. well, he does, and what he wants is to play in a band and tour and not be tied down to a girl. which got me thinking..
when i saw him, he told me that they plan on being away for the whole summer, july and august and part of september.. and then they are going to europe for six weeks in october. europe! and also, when he got home, he sent me a message saying that he just got a call about fat records, and that against me! and none more black were talking about them.. im so torn, bc i really wanna be excited for him, but at the same time, it makes me sad to know i wont see him all summer or for six weeks in the fall. but the point is that i dont care. i *am* happy for him, and i hope that they do really well on tour, and they make money and are happy, and you know what? i'll be here when he comes home. i will be right here, my feelings *clearly* arent going anywhere, and im gonna be here. and i *want* to be there. i want to be the one he comes home to after three months of touring, i want to be supportive, i want him to go away and be happy on the road. and i will be. on that point i am firm. in fact, it doesnt even have to be any different than it is now. when we have time, our worlds can collide and be one. when we dont, we can do our seperate things. i feel like thats what ive been looking for since nick and i broke up. i want to have two lives that meet.. like a ven diagram. you know, the two seperate circles that overlap in the center. i wish i could say this to him. i wish i could sit down and say "i want to be the girl you come home to. i dont want to be yr everything, or even yr most-of-thing.. i want to be yr support and i want to love you and i want you to love me. and thats all i want."
so thats that. i feel all kinds of emotions right now, im happy and sad and confused. im happy that i saw him, and that he smiled so much and that we got to spend that hour together in the car. im sad that he's not gonna be around when i come back to li, but he will be back.. and im sad bc i never have the guts to really tell him how i feel. i think that part of this mess is my fault too. have i said this before on here? well. who cares. no one reads it anyway, so im only being repetitive to myself. but i dont know, in the beginning i bared all, i told him how i felt and how i wanted to be with him. but he didnt want a girlfriend, he didnt wanna be tied down.. and i think i stopped pursuing him. when i saw him in august, on the day he left to go on tour, i TOLD him to hook up with girls while he was away. he came back and he hinted at had i hooked up with other people in his absence, and i said no i hadnt.. and he said that he was kind of trying to avoid asking me bc he didnt wanna hear that i'd been with other guys. but then the trying-to-fix-things-with-the-ex thing happened, and i told him again.. i told him that he didnt wanna be tied down to me, i told him that i really thought he cared, but i guessed i was wrong, since he must have been using me. but he said that wasnt true, that he doesnt hook up with just anyone, and that everything that happened, happened bc he liked me. but those days went by when we werent talking, and i think i grew numb again. ever since, i havent really pushed hard to get together, i let him know when i was gonna be on the island, but i hadnt invited him out to brooklyn, or anything like that. and its like, since i invited him out here in january, he's been way more.. i dont know, forward. like anxious to see me, like sending me txts at 7:30 am to tell me "i fucking want you so bad." and also since im talking to him again after the cbgb incident. and since he was so happy to see me at the show... i dont know. i think im sending mixed signals, i think im being hot then cold. today i was definitely hot, but.. it wasnt like "i wanna be with you, i really care about you, we're so perfect for each other," it was like "i fucking love yr belly." kinda more sexual than loving. who knows. maybe someday i'll grow some balls and fess up that i think we should be together, bc we are perfect complements.. and bc of the duration of our feelings, and i dont know.
who knows though. maybe things didnt work out with the girl, and now he's coming to me to take care of his physical needs. the opposite side to that, though, is that he is way more into pleasing me than me pleasing him. i mean, hes all for it, but he always talks about pleasuring me. you know. im not gonna get into it. thats for the paper journal. anyone happening across this crap doesnt need the details of my intimate life, thaaaanks.
oops gotta go.. i am gonna miss my train again this time if im not careful. and who wants to wait at jamaica for an hour? NOT ME.
xoxoxo
so. i got to work and kim was like "WHERE WERE YOU???" looking at me like all i-know-you-did-something.. it was hilarious, actually. i walked in and went to the elevator, and she was at a table, and she actually walked away from it to get in the elevator and yell at me. but i played secretive. she followed me around for like 10 minutes till i finally caved in and told her everything. she was totally upset with me, but happy for me at the same time. she has major issues with me and the enigma. she likes him, but she doesnt like him for me. she was telling randy that she thinks hes a nice guy and stuff, but that he doesnt know what he wants. i was like.. well, he does, and what he wants is to play in a band and tour and not be tied down to a girl. which got me thinking..
when i saw him, he told me that they plan on being away for the whole summer, july and august and part of september.. and then they are going to europe for six weeks in october. europe! and also, when he got home, he sent me a message saying that he just got a call about fat records, and that against me! and none more black were talking about them.. im so torn, bc i really wanna be excited for him, but at the same time, it makes me sad to know i wont see him all summer or for six weeks in the fall. but the point is that i dont care. i *am* happy for him, and i hope that they do really well on tour, and they make money and are happy, and you know what? i'll be here when he comes home. i will be right here, my feelings *clearly* arent going anywhere, and im gonna be here. and i *want* to be there. i want to be the one he comes home to after three months of touring, i want to be supportive, i want him to go away and be happy on the road. and i will be. on that point i am firm. in fact, it doesnt even have to be any different than it is now. when we have time, our worlds can collide and be one. when we dont, we can do our seperate things. i feel like thats what ive been looking for since nick and i broke up. i want to have two lives that meet.. like a ven diagram. you know, the two seperate circles that overlap in the center. i wish i could say this to him. i wish i could sit down and say "i want to be the girl you come home to. i dont want to be yr everything, or even yr most-of-thing.. i want to be yr support and i want to love you and i want you to love me. and thats all i want."
so thats that. i feel all kinds of emotions right now, im happy and sad and confused. im happy that i saw him, and that he smiled so much and that we got to spend that hour together in the car. im sad that he's not gonna be around when i come back to li, but he will be back.. and im sad bc i never have the guts to really tell him how i feel. i think that part of this mess is my fault too. have i said this before on here? well. who cares. no one reads it anyway, so im only being repetitive to myself. but i dont know, in the beginning i bared all, i told him how i felt and how i wanted to be with him. but he didnt want a girlfriend, he didnt wanna be tied down.. and i think i stopped pursuing him. when i saw him in august, on the day he left to go on tour, i TOLD him to hook up with girls while he was away. he came back and he hinted at had i hooked up with other people in his absence, and i said no i hadnt.. and he said that he was kind of trying to avoid asking me bc he didnt wanna hear that i'd been with other guys. but then the trying-to-fix-things-with-the-ex thing happened, and i told him again.. i told him that he didnt wanna be tied down to me, i told him that i really thought he cared, but i guessed i was wrong, since he must have been using me. but he said that wasnt true, that he doesnt hook up with just anyone, and that everything that happened, happened bc he liked me. but those days went by when we werent talking, and i think i grew numb again. ever since, i havent really pushed hard to get together, i let him know when i was gonna be on the island, but i hadnt invited him out to brooklyn, or anything like that. and its like, since i invited him out here in january, he's been way more.. i dont know, forward. like anxious to see me, like sending me txts at 7:30 am to tell me "i fucking want you so bad." and also since im talking to him again after the cbgb incident. and since he was so happy to see me at the show... i dont know. i think im sending mixed signals, i think im being hot then cold. today i was definitely hot, but.. it wasnt like "i wanna be with you, i really care about you, we're so perfect for each other," it was like "i fucking love yr belly." kinda more sexual than loving. who knows. maybe someday i'll grow some balls and fess up that i think we should be together, bc we are perfect complements.. and bc of the duration of our feelings, and i dont know.
who knows though. maybe things didnt work out with the girl, and now he's coming to me to take care of his physical needs. the opposite side to that, though, is that he is way more into pleasing me than me pleasing him. i mean, hes all for it, but he always talks about pleasuring me. you know. im not gonna get into it. thats for the paper journal. anyone happening across this crap doesnt need the details of my intimate life, thaaaanks.
oops gotta go.. i am gonna miss my train again this time if im not careful. and who wants to wait at jamaica for an hour? NOT ME.
xoxoxo
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