Thursday, January 15, 2004
im so excited, i just learned the intro to "the places you have come to fear the most" by dashboard. im like WOOOO i will be a star someday. i'm not going to see on the might tomorrow.. i really want to, but i can't handle it alone. kims friends are coming in, and my brother is busy.. antonia is going on a date. ryan is working late. so yah. maybe i can ask mike to go. maybbbeeeee. he's probably working, too. so. im kinda upset that i took off work for this.. and now i can't go. not that i was gonna make money tomorrow, anyway, but like. i probably wont leave the house again. im supposed to go to LI to hang out with mike on saturday, too. so who knows. stupid fucking enigma, ruining everything.
my eyes are burning slightly. my throat kinda hurts, IM FALLING APART. i'm getting old. almost 24, you know. my body is beginning to need sleep and nutrition. i can't we awake and waify for much longer. this sucks! im so mad that i gave away my shift. i never get to do anything i want to do anymore. im always stuck at home, i was fucking finally going to go out and have a good time, but noooo, of course not, i can't go alone bc he wont respond to any of my messages and i cant handle being there with no one to talk to and distract me from being sad or crying bc he wont be talking to me, but maybe she'll be there, and ugh. but i wanted to see him, so in a way i was looking forward to going, i wanted to run into him and get a hug, and have him tell me he's missed me, that he lost his phone or something something something. but i cant go alone, i cant show up there by myself and have it be ok. argh.
candace is sleeping on the couch. i was playing guitar but i felt bad with her sleeping like 5 inches from me. so im watching letterman, im kinda sober, which will have to be fixed as soon as possible. i can feel the wind whipping through my windows. it is verrrry drafty in this apartment.
im like really upset. i keep trying to convince myself that its no big deal, i wont be missing much, but i dont know when kim called and said she was going to hang out with her other friends, i wanted to cry. seriously, im tired of this solitary life. but no one ever wants to do things that i like to do. kim and i decided we were going to go to more shows together, but in the year and a half in which we've been friends, we have seen three shows together.. she came with me to see the enigmas band in may, we went to see thursday in june (which was CANCELLED) and we saw cursive in september. im never going to meet new boys bc none of my friends want to go to shows. they want to go to bars. i have given up drinking. kim was like "well, come out with us tomorrow" and i was like "riiiight, so i can babysit you and yr drunk friends?" i dont even know them.. and its like.. im 23. almost 24. and im through with getting drunk. kim and her friends were like straight edge till they turned 21 (kim lost her edge on her 21st bday.. how typical) so they are still like "WHOOOO" about drinking, cos they've all recently turned 21. im no longer in the trance of getting drunk. i got it out of my system when i was 20 and 21.. i almost had alcohol poisoning a month ago, and i haven't really had any urge to drink since then. i took a shot of tequila on new years, but that's it. oh and i had a beer at the bar a few days ago. but whatever. i dont know what to do with myself. its too cold to have plans, its too sad to do anything, its too.. its too.. i dont know. i dont know what i wanna say. im just tired of this life. i need a new one, a better one, an exciting one. i need to find a niche again, bc im tired of feeling like the odd girl out, bc i lost my scene. its like i lost my home and my comfort. and i cant regain it. like i dont fit in anywhere else. even though ive always gravitated toward the punkish kids in my life.. like tom in college, kim after college, steve in grad school.. i magically click with the hc and emo kids i meet, even when i dont even know about their hc/emo tendancies in the beginning.. freshman year of college destroyed that part of my life (the scenester part), and im really unhappy about that. i still went to shows with tom, but then that fell apart, and then i went to shows with chaz, but they were few and far between, and now its like, i need that part of me back, i need to go and feel alive through the music, and feel at ease and happy and dance around some church or vfw hall, just being at one with the music and feeling every strum of the guitar, every beat of the drums, and every word that falls out of the singers mouth. that was it for me, it was all i needed to be whole. its since i left my scene that everything became dreary. i need it back. im resolving to get it back. come hell or high water.
my eyes are burning slightly. my throat kinda hurts, IM FALLING APART. i'm getting old. almost 24, you know. my body is beginning to need sleep and nutrition. i can't we awake and waify for much longer. this sucks! im so mad that i gave away my shift. i never get to do anything i want to do anymore. im always stuck at home, i was fucking finally going to go out and have a good time, but noooo, of course not, i can't go alone bc he wont respond to any of my messages and i cant handle being there with no one to talk to and distract me from being sad or crying bc he wont be talking to me, but maybe she'll be there, and ugh. but i wanted to see him, so in a way i was looking forward to going, i wanted to run into him and get a hug, and have him tell me he's missed me, that he lost his phone or something something something. but i cant go alone, i cant show up there by myself and have it be ok. argh.
candace is sleeping on the couch. i was playing guitar but i felt bad with her sleeping like 5 inches from me. so im watching letterman, im kinda sober, which will have to be fixed as soon as possible. i can feel the wind whipping through my windows. it is verrrry drafty in this apartment.
im like really upset. i keep trying to convince myself that its no big deal, i wont be missing much, but i dont know when kim called and said she was going to hang out with her other friends, i wanted to cry. seriously, im tired of this solitary life. but no one ever wants to do things that i like to do. kim and i decided we were going to go to more shows together, but in the year and a half in which we've been friends, we have seen three shows together.. she came with me to see the enigmas band in may, we went to see thursday in june (which was CANCELLED) and we saw cursive in september. im never going to meet new boys bc none of my friends want to go to shows. they want to go to bars. i have given up drinking. kim was like "well, come out with us tomorrow" and i was like "riiiight, so i can babysit you and yr drunk friends?" i dont even know them.. and its like.. im 23. almost 24. and im through with getting drunk. kim and her friends were like straight edge till they turned 21 (kim lost her edge on her 21st bday.. how typical) so they are still like "WHOOOO" about drinking, cos they've all recently turned 21. im no longer in the trance of getting drunk. i got it out of my system when i was 20 and 21.. i almost had alcohol poisoning a month ago, and i haven't really had any urge to drink since then. i took a shot of tequila on new years, but that's it. oh and i had a beer at the bar a few days ago. but whatever. i dont know what to do with myself. its too cold to have plans, its too sad to do anything, its too.. its too.. i dont know. i dont know what i wanna say. im just tired of this life. i need a new one, a better one, an exciting one. i need to find a niche again, bc im tired of feeling like the odd girl out, bc i lost my scene. its like i lost my home and my comfort. and i cant regain it. like i dont fit in anywhere else. even though ive always gravitated toward the punkish kids in my life.. like tom in college, kim after college, steve in grad school.. i magically click with the hc and emo kids i meet, even when i dont even know about their hc/emo tendancies in the beginning.. freshman year of college destroyed that part of my life (the scenester part), and im really unhappy about that. i still went to shows with tom, but then that fell apart, and then i went to shows with chaz, but they were few and far between, and now its like, i need that part of me back, i need to go and feel alive through the music, and feel at ease and happy and dance around some church or vfw hall, just being at one with the music and feeling every strum of the guitar, every beat of the drums, and every word that falls out of the singers mouth. that was it for me, it was all i needed to be whole. its since i left my scene that everything became dreary. i need it back. im resolving to get it back. come hell or high water.
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