Friday, January 30, 2004
what up? im eating raison bran. watching the fifth wheel.
work was alright tonight. i talked to bart a lot. i also discovered that randy gives good hugs. i had pegged him as a wimpy hug boy, as he is a self proclaimed "show tunes fag." he hugged me while doing his straight act. i complimented him on his hugs. i was kinda busy for a minute, i had like six tables.. that was good. i made $35, which is waaay better than the $10 i expected.
after work i went to the studio with bart. it was good times, we hung out in john lennon's recording studio for a while, its the best studio in the place. its all wood, and has like a velvet ceiling. they were going to do some mixing, but i guess they decided not to, and to practice in the morning instead. then we went up to the storage/office area to look at some computer parts (michael works at the studio), and i was looking at the spines of the master copies of songs, and there was one true thing. i was like.. aw jamie gates loves one true thing. so i guess they recorded there. speaking of the saints, though, bart told me that they got an offer for a record deal. its an indie (as in independant, not as in the style) label with only two other artists. they are both R&B, but the guy whose label it is wants to go back to rock or something. he supposedly worked with U2 and personally knows the edge. but. i dont know, bart exaggerates all the time. i dont really consider signing onto some dude's label as getting a deal, but ok. i think what they really want is to have someone finance a tour. hence signing to a little label, but like.. i dunno, im not sure this guy is going to fund a tour. i think they need to get their acts together and self-finance, bc this waiting game is getting old. they have been in nyc for like 2 years. they had only wanted to be here for one. they are always talking like its so close, talking about quitting chevy's and blah blah blah. but i dont know anymore. i think that they might have to form some Plan B's..
the heart palpatations are here. as usual. i wish they would stop. it upsets me. really. last night i was kept awake by my irregular heart beat for two and a half hours. TWO AND A HALF HOURS! im like.. ok, maybe its serious. its probably not supposed to flip like this. what if i take deep breaths? or lay on my back? maybe i should quit smoking. or go to the gym. do some cardio. maybe my heart is weak. maybe its failing. should i start saving for some kind of exam? what if something happens before i get health care? ugh. it beats normal, but every so often, it beats once hard. and it like.. i dont know it like terrifies me each time, it just feels weird, like it shouldnt be happening. i cannot explain how terrified i am that something might be wrong with it. and how much worse it is from the fact that i *dont* have health care, and i *cannot* afford to have it checked out. when i went to the nurse at pace, she said i had a slight murmur, but that it was nothing to worry about. she said that like 1 out of 3 women have a murmur. i was like "greaaaat." i also had the EKG done back then, bc i was afriad there was something wrong, and they said it was normal. maybe im freaking out over nothing. but it is hard to deal with when you have no idea why yr heart beats realllly hard sometimes. plus its only been doing this for like three months. it was not doing this back then. and my lungs hurt sometimes, too. maybe my whole body is giving out. i ABUSE it, thats why. because i have to smoke all day long and drink caffiene and not eat healthy. im thinking about changing my lifestyle. im way not ready to do that, but i dont know. i think im getting a reality check with these strange chest pains, and im realizing that i cant keep doing this to myself. i think that after i finish the weed i have (which is not much, mind you), i will not buy any more for a while. im kind of resolved in this. im also thinking about weaning myself off of cigarettes. maybe i'll start drinking more water. and maybe, just maybe, if i give up this crazy fucked up all the time lifestyle, i'll probably go to bed earlier, and then i'll get up earlier, and then i'll actually be a productive member of society, instead of a lazy bum who smokes and plays guitar all day. by no means am i giving up the guitar, no way no way. but i'll play during the day sober. maybe i'll get a second job during the day. no. i have to write my thesis. its so weird. i think this all the time, and i never do anything about it. but i dont know, at least with the weed, i think im ready. at first it served to make me not feel, but now it makes no difference. i've exploited all its good use, and now its just something i do to do, and thats not what i want. so i think its time to grow out of it. or at least only smoke socially, and very infrequently. this is my resolution. cross yr fingers for me.
so thats that. im gonna.. i dont know. i cant go to bed yet, cos i smoked like half hour ago, and i cant fall asleep stoned. my heart will freak me out. not that it only happens when i smoke, bc it also happens in the middle of the day, while im still sober....
*was there trauma, or a struggle, am i missing, or was the body found?* dashboard.
work was alright tonight. i talked to bart a lot. i also discovered that randy gives good hugs. i had pegged him as a wimpy hug boy, as he is a self proclaimed "show tunes fag." he hugged me while doing his straight act. i complimented him on his hugs. i was kinda busy for a minute, i had like six tables.. that was good. i made $35, which is waaay better than the $10 i expected.
after work i went to the studio with bart. it was good times, we hung out in john lennon's recording studio for a while, its the best studio in the place. its all wood, and has like a velvet ceiling. they were going to do some mixing, but i guess they decided not to, and to practice in the morning instead. then we went up to the storage/office area to look at some computer parts (michael works at the studio), and i was looking at the spines of the master copies of songs, and there was one true thing. i was like.. aw jamie gates loves one true thing. so i guess they recorded there. speaking of the saints, though, bart told me that they got an offer for a record deal. its an indie (as in independant, not as in the style) label with only two other artists. they are both R&B, but the guy whose label it is wants to go back to rock or something. he supposedly worked with U2 and personally knows the edge. but. i dont know, bart exaggerates all the time. i dont really consider signing onto some dude's label as getting a deal, but ok. i think what they really want is to have someone finance a tour. hence signing to a little label, but like.. i dunno, im not sure this guy is going to fund a tour. i think they need to get their acts together and self-finance, bc this waiting game is getting old. they have been in nyc for like 2 years. they had only wanted to be here for one. they are always talking like its so close, talking about quitting chevy's and blah blah blah. but i dont know anymore. i think that they might have to form some Plan B's..
the heart palpatations are here. as usual. i wish they would stop. it upsets me. really. last night i was kept awake by my irregular heart beat for two and a half hours. TWO AND A HALF HOURS! im like.. ok, maybe its serious. its probably not supposed to flip like this. what if i take deep breaths? or lay on my back? maybe i should quit smoking. or go to the gym. do some cardio. maybe my heart is weak. maybe its failing. should i start saving for some kind of exam? what if something happens before i get health care? ugh. it beats normal, but every so often, it beats once hard. and it like.. i dont know it like terrifies me each time, it just feels weird, like it shouldnt be happening. i cannot explain how terrified i am that something might be wrong with it. and how much worse it is from the fact that i *dont* have health care, and i *cannot* afford to have it checked out. when i went to the nurse at pace, she said i had a slight murmur, but that it was nothing to worry about. she said that like 1 out of 3 women have a murmur. i was like "greaaaat." i also had the EKG done back then, bc i was afriad there was something wrong, and they said it was normal. maybe im freaking out over nothing. but it is hard to deal with when you have no idea why yr heart beats realllly hard sometimes. plus its only been doing this for like three months. it was not doing this back then. and my lungs hurt sometimes, too. maybe my whole body is giving out. i ABUSE it, thats why. because i have to smoke all day long and drink caffiene and not eat healthy. im thinking about changing my lifestyle. im way not ready to do that, but i dont know. i think im getting a reality check with these strange chest pains, and im realizing that i cant keep doing this to myself. i think that after i finish the weed i have (which is not much, mind you), i will not buy any more for a while. im kind of resolved in this. im also thinking about weaning myself off of cigarettes. maybe i'll start drinking more water. and maybe, just maybe, if i give up this crazy fucked up all the time lifestyle, i'll probably go to bed earlier, and then i'll get up earlier, and then i'll actually be a productive member of society, instead of a lazy bum who smokes and plays guitar all day. by no means am i giving up the guitar, no way no way. but i'll play during the day sober. maybe i'll get a second job during the day. no. i have to write my thesis. its so weird. i think this all the time, and i never do anything about it. but i dont know, at least with the weed, i think im ready. at first it served to make me not feel, but now it makes no difference. i've exploited all its good use, and now its just something i do to do, and thats not what i want. so i think its time to grow out of it. or at least only smoke socially, and very infrequently. this is my resolution. cross yr fingers for me.
so thats that. im gonna.. i dont know. i cant go to bed yet, cos i smoked like half hour ago, and i cant fall asleep stoned. my heart will freak me out. not that it only happens when i smoke, bc it also happens in the middle of the day, while im still sober....
*was there trauma, or a struggle, am i missing, or was the body found?* dashboard.
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