Saturday, January 31, 2004
*chasin the ghost of a good thing, haunting yrself, as the real thing is getting away, away, awayyyyy from you again, while yr chasin ghosts*
<3 dashboard confessional
i dont know why i was compelled to post bonnie raitt lyrics a few minutes ago. sometimes i really feel them. like. i dont know. not presently. right now i feel like i dont know.. amazingly hopeful. did i mention that i was gonna stop smokin drugs? well. i only smoked ONCE today, and not much. so. woooo! and i was home all day. i went to the laundromat. but i didnt feel like i needed to smoke. perhaps this will be the beginning of my new sober life, since i gave up drinking. ive only drank twice since i gave up drinking, and both times i had verrry little. on new years i had one shot of tequila, and the other day i poured about a shot of malibu into a 20 oz bottle of cherry coke. i will probably drink on my bday celebration, since it will be my last nyc birthday. so sad. not really. besides, thats like 2 months away still, anyway. i can relish in being 23 (such a good number) for two whole months. and five days.
i think i smell. i havent showered. i was gonna, but candace came home with some mcdonalds (mm cheeseburgers no meat) and she wanted to watch queer as folk, so i couldnt say no! i loooove those boys. mm hot brian. mm funny emmett. i'll just get up early and shower before work. it'll do me good, i'll be all bright eyed for my first sober shift in like a year. maybe i'll cheat in the morning.. cos, technically, i was gonna wait till what i had was gone. and if i only smoke in the morning, then that should be ok.
so i dunno. i cleaned the house. i went through the HUGE pile of crap i had over on the shelf.. threw out a lot of papers i did not need, put school related papers away.. it was kind of a big deal. i cleaned my room, which was.. fun. i hung up all my clothes for the first time in like two months. i hadnt cleaned my room since like.. i dunno, late november or early december. it doesnt get *dirty* but like, it gets messy. cos i do laundry and i just leave the folded piles on the boxes at the foot of my bed, instead of hanging them.. i didnt *clean* but i straightened. i might still clean though. its like 2am, but im not quite tired. i have to leave at 1130, so i should get up at 1045. no big deal. i can go to bed at 4 and be ok. i need to get back into a good sleep pattern.
so anyway. back to what i was saying about feeling amazingly hopeful. its kind of strange. i havent felt this way in a long time. im breezy and happy and i laughed more than i have in a long time tonight. i feel all mushy. i wanna see the enigma and smile and cuddle and feel like everything is wonderful and great. i feel a huge connection to him right now. like i might have let go a little, and now i am just happy. i have by no means let go of him, or the idea that he'll come around, but ive let go of the angst. and now i feel silly. not ashamed silly, but playful silly. i looked at the webpage of his band earlier, and i clicked on a link to an interview.. and there were some pictures and i laughed. he looked silly, all mod-like. i showed candace, and she goes "did he gain weight??" not the last time i saw him.. well kinda. i dont know. his face is filling out a little. but then, who cares? his belly is my favorite part, anyway. perhaps it would cease to be my favorite if he got fat fat though. right now its like a beer belly, which is adorable and stuff. when he came back from tour in september he had lost weight, and i was like "where did yr belly go?" so maybe he's working on regaining what was lost. hehe. i wanna seeeeee you. i wanna hug you and hug and hug and hug! pleeeeease? its all good though. in time the hugs will return, and i will be the smiliest girl ever. you'll tell me yr coming, and ill sit here and shake and my belly will flip flop, and ill smoke cigarettes like a fiend, bc ill be so nervous. then youll get here, and ill continue to be nervous, but ill hug you till there is no hugging left. then we'll play the game, the who will kiss first game.. and of course you will, bc i am a pussy and i dont make the first move. especially on a boy who could possibly have a girlfriend. that way, if something happens, and yr still with her, i wont feel like it was my fault. cos you know, i dont *know* if yr with her. you havent mentioned her since november. NOVEMBER! thats like.. three months. *sigh* i love deluding myself into thinking what we do when we are together is right. besides, if stuff is happening, then you cannot be in love with her. it was like early november the last time you eluded to her.. you said you wanted to see me, but were worried you wouldnt be able to behave. and you failed, so maybe you took that as a hint that she is the past.. blah blah blah blah blah. evidence that you are no longer together.. 1) you wanted me to go christmas shopping with you. 2) the reason that you were hesitant to kiss me the last time was bc you were sick, not bc you were feeling guilty. 3) the last time we hooked up, you said it'd been a while, since you didnt have time for girls, what with playing and working. 4) you told me you needed some huggin in december. 5) lately you are constantly trying to see what my schedule is like, so we can get together. 6) you agreed to a slumber party the last time i saw you. 7) you said you hadnt really eaten in two days bc you dont eat when yr alone.. and why would you spend new years alone, if you had a girl? and why wouldnt you have spent yr two days off with her, if there was a her? 8) you've been playing out of state every weekend for the past few weeks, and she hated that. and everytime you had something to do, it was not girl related, it was practice, or yr moms bday, or going to iron maiden, or you were playing, or yr sister had a baby.. ok so that is eight SOLID reasons. so im going to go ahead and continue to pretend that she has gone, and all it is, is a matter of time before i move home and our worlds collide and become one.
hey, a girl can dream....
<3 dashboard confessional
i dont know why i was compelled to post bonnie raitt lyrics a few minutes ago. sometimes i really feel them. like. i dont know. not presently. right now i feel like i dont know.. amazingly hopeful. did i mention that i was gonna stop smokin drugs? well. i only smoked ONCE today, and not much. so. woooo! and i was home all day. i went to the laundromat. but i didnt feel like i needed to smoke. perhaps this will be the beginning of my new sober life, since i gave up drinking. ive only drank twice since i gave up drinking, and both times i had verrry little. on new years i had one shot of tequila, and the other day i poured about a shot of malibu into a 20 oz bottle of cherry coke. i will probably drink on my bday celebration, since it will be my last nyc birthday. so sad. not really. besides, thats like 2 months away still, anyway. i can relish in being 23 (such a good number) for two whole months. and five days.
i think i smell. i havent showered. i was gonna, but candace came home with some mcdonalds (mm cheeseburgers no meat) and she wanted to watch queer as folk, so i couldnt say no! i loooove those boys. mm hot brian. mm funny emmett. i'll just get up early and shower before work. it'll do me good, i'll be all bright eyed for my first sober shift in like a year. maybe i'll cheat in the morning.. cos, technically, i was gonna wait till what i had was gone. and if i only smoke in the morning, then that should be ok.
so i dunno. i cleaned the house. i went through the HUGE pile of crap i had over on the shelf.. threw out a lot of papers i did not need, put school related papers away.. it was kind of a big deal. i cleaned my room, which was.. fun. i hung up all my clothes for the first time in like two months. i hadnt cleaned my room since like.. i dunno, late november or early december. it doesnt get *dirty* but like, it gets messy. cos i do laundry and i just leave the folded piles on the boxes at the foot of my bed, instead of hanging them.. i didnt *clean* but i straightened. i might still clean though. its like 2am, but im not quite tired. i have to leave at 1130, so i should get up at 1045. no big deal. i can go to bed at 4 and be ok. i need to get back into a good sleep pattern.
so anyway. back to what i was saying about feeling amazingly hopeful. its kind of strange. i havent felt this way in a long time. im breezy and happy and i laughed more than i have in a long time tonight. i feel all mushy. i wanna see the enigma and smile and cuddle and feel like everything is wonderful and great. i feel a huge connection to him right now. like i might have let go a little, and now i am just happy. i have by no means let go of him, or the idea that he'll come around, but ive let go of the angst. and now i feel silly. not ashamed silly, but playful silly. i looked at the webpage of his band earlier, and i clicked on a link to an interview.. and there were some pictures and i laughed. he looked silly, all mod-like. i showed candace, and she goes "did he gain weight??" not the last time i saw him.. well kinda. i dont know. his face is filling out a little. but then, who cares? his belly is my favorite part, anyway. perhaps it would cease to be my favorite if he got fat fat though. right now its like a beer belly, which is adorable and stuff. when he came back from tour in september he had lost weight, and i was like "where did yr belly go?" so maybe he's working on regaining what was lost. hehe. i wanna seeeeee you. i wanna hug you and hug and hug and hug! pleeeeease? its all good though. in time the hugs will return, and i will be the smiliest girl ever. you'll tell me yr coming, and ill sit here and shake and my belly will flip flop, and ill smoke cigarettes like a fiend, bc ill be so nervous. then youll get here, and ill continue to be nervous, but ill hug you till there is no hugging left. then we'll play the game, the who will kiss first game.. and of course you will, bc i am a pussy and i dont make the first move. especially on a boy who could possibly have a girlfriend. that way, if something happens, and yr still with her, i wont feel like it was my fault. cos you know, i dont *know* if yr with her. you havent mentioned her since november. NOVEMBER! thats like.. three months. *sigh* i love deluding myself into thinking what we do when we are together is right. besides, if stuff is happening, then you cannot be in love with her. it was like early november the last time you eluded to her.. you said you wanted to see me, but were worried you wouldnt be able to behave. and you failed, so maybe you took that as a hint that she is the past.. blah blah blah blah blah. evidence that you are no longer together.. 1) you wanted me to go christmas shopping with you. 2) the reason that you were hesitant to kiss me the last time was bc you were sick, not bc you were feeling guilty. 3) the last time we hooked up, you said it'd been a while, since you didnt have time for girls, what with playing and working. 4) you told me you needed some huggin in december. 5) lately you are constantly trying to see what my schedule is like, so we can get together. 6) you agreed to a slumber party the last time i saw you. 7) you said you hadnt really eaten in two days bc you dont eat when yr alone.. and why would you spend new years alone, if you had a girl? and why wouldnt you have spent yr two days off with her, if there was a her? 8) you've been playing out of state every weekend for the past few weeks, and she hated that. and everytime you had something to do, it was not girl related, it was practice, or yr moms bday, or going to iron maiden, or you were playing, or yr sister had a baby.. ok so that is eight SOLID reasons. so im going to go ahead and continue to pretend that she has gone, and all it is, is a matter of time before i move home and our worlds collide and become one.
hey, a girl can dream....
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