Thursday, January 22, 2004
*and i cant comprehend how someone with yr eyes could ever dissapear and break yr heart.*
*remember tonight, it just might last you the rest of your life. and all those times i said 'i love you,' those weren't lies. this will hurt you but in time, you will understand that i would never want to be in his shoes, but i would do anything to take his place.*
"m" penfold (change the "his" to "her" though)
long time no talk. i was on long island.
monday i went home.. went to my dads. got some info on LI schools. mike came over at like midnight, he picked me up and we went to the diner, where we played mad libs and drank coffee. fucking no smoking laws.. anyway. went back to my house and watched tv till 8am. he crashed at my place. i slept in my moms bed. couldnt sleep though. the cats were chasing each other around and running over me. the sun was bright bc the windows face east. the phone kept ringing. i got up at 2. mike took me to the dentist, i got my cavity filled. we went to fridays and had some food, but half my mouth was completely numb. eating soup was quite the task. so was navigating the straw to my mudslide. went back to my house, watched tv. i fell apart bc i got my hopes up. i constructed this idea in my head that the enigma would somehow make it to my house. i knew he wouldnt. he had practice on monday and his moms bday on tuesday. but i convinced myself that he'd stop by to cuddle sometime after. but no. and he didnt even send a message to tell me he was sorry he wouldnt make it.. just kinda left me hanging the whole time, with a big "i dont think i'll be able to hang out, but i'll try." which translates to "sit home and wait around for me, ok?" in my head. so whatever. mike left at like midnight. i watched a lot of tv, golden girls, mad about you, some discovery channel show on informants. fell asleep around 2:45. i got up at 1130 this morning. the cats slept at the same time as i did (and yoda was still asleep when i wanted to get up), and i fell asleep before the sun. i got up and wrote cover letters. sent out some resumes. watched some more tv (american idol.. so bad), then i got on the LIRR to come back to brooklyn. wrote some on the train. listened to penfold. called antonia, she played little bits of nkotb songs over the phone and we giggled. got off at jamaica, took the E.. and i was looking out for a G train, so i could switch, but i somehow missed it and it pulled into queens plaza just as the doors to my E closed. so i got off at 23rd-Ely, hoping that i could beat the G, i ran as fast as i could through the corridor.. but i missed it. it was pulling into the next station. so i sat in the cold station, i swear i was the only one there for like 15 minutes. then candace came down and did the pee pee dance. we got home and we did a mad lib, and looked at pictures. then i showed her the part of "the places you have come to fear the most" that i learned, then i played and played and played until i could play the entire intro. now im super proud of myself.
some lyrics? ok.
*sleep with our socks on, we never know how cold it gets in this room.. i can see my breath but tell me, why can't i see yours.. watching the lights dim, watching my fingers moving, bleeding.. be her eyes, leave her alone.. be her eyes, leave her alone..
wake up and stand tall.. theyre waiting outside of your door.. we cant stop, if we slow down now, we'll never get there..
and thats fine.. this X marks the spot not where a life begins but where a life begins to matter..
be her eyes, leave her alone..*
"the sound of jazz" penfold.
soo good. i hadnt listened to the album in a while.. and i forgot how much i loved it. "sea of crisis" is soooo good. there is one song though.. "brilliance." it was written by a girl. not a member of penfold. but like. i dont know, i hate the beginning, but the middle to the end is sooooo gooooood. its intense.
*If I wake up blind, with the sun in my eyes
Beating on my brow through the car window
If I close my eyes, will I miss pink skies being overcome by black clouds above
But I'm too scared to explain why only days ago, I'm sure I died
The brilliance of the rocks below
I'm in control, at the edge, on my own
Arguments and solace from the book inside the dresser drawer
Curled up on the bathroom floor and Billie's on the radio
If Lady Day could only know how she's saving me now
And I will fly away in time
And I will learn to forgive myself*
"the brilliance of the rocks below" is where it gets good. reallly good.
so anyway. im really tired. my eyes hurt and my back hurts and.. you know. im just tired. im really upset bc i sent him text messages like four days and for four days i got no response. on sunday i responded to his message by saying that he could come fall asleep with me after practice on monday.. i didnt really expect a response though, since my message was in response to his. on monday i sent something like "hope you had a good weekend, i brought yr favorite movie with me just in case." no response. so at like midnight i gave up on hearing from him, and sent "im guessing you wont be stopping by tonight, but if the festivities end early tomorrow, or you get lonely tonight, give me a call." ok. tuesday. "just wanted to say hi. hope yr having a good day. hugs." nothing. wednesday, around noon: "i didnt get everything done, so im still on LI today. what are you up to tonight?" nothing. 2pm: "i dunno if my phone is being dumb again, but i havent gotten any responses from you in 4 days. so if yr free tonight, call me." nothing. so i sent kim a message saying i didnt think i was getting my messages, would she send me one. and she did. so. yah. its not even like last week, when i wasnt getting my messages. he's just not responding. whatever though. im a big girl. i need to walk away. thats it.
but thats the problem.. i have to walk away. and im not ready to do that. the only way i can move on and forget my feelings is to say goodbye. just say its over, and tell him i cant see or speak to him anymore. thats what happened in 98. i had to walk away. only i was stronger then. i *could* walk away. but.. i mean, he also really prompted me to walk away. he wanted some time.. and to me, that translated into.. "i need to not see or speak to you for a while to make suzanne happy, and once thats done, i'll call you." and to allow that would be letting him win, he could get the girl and keep me. i wasnt about that. it hurt, and it hurt so much that i could go.. that i could say byebye... but now. its like.. i want soo much to believe that i let him go and he came back to me. and i still really care, and he hasn't outright HURT me. so i cant convince myself to leave. but ive had the conversation in my head a thousand times. i would say "im sorry, but i cant do this. as long as you are a part of my life, i will have feelings for you, and its not healthy. you dont want to be with me, but every time i see you, we end up being together. and every time i talk to you, i end up seeing you. and even if we didnt hook up when we were together, i would still hurt bc i cant be with you. so what i need for you to do, is to leave me alone. and if i get weak and send you a message, dont respond. just pretend like you didnt get it. instantly delete it from yr phone. and if you miss me, dont tell me. dont send me messages to let me know you were thinking about me, dont build up my hopes and make me think that someday.... someday you'll come around. bc you wont, and i cant be a part of this any longer. you'll understand someday. i'm sorry. i love you too much." it'll be dramatic and sad and i'll probably cry.
im going to bed. its like quarter to four. i need to be effective tomorrow. play some guitar, read some history. you know. not be such a slacker. i can still get up at like 1230 if i go to bed now..
some blink 182 on the way out..
*i think of a while ago, we might have had it all. i was so stupid then, you needed time to grow. but now just as things change, as well my feelings do. in time things rearrange, i am so sick of chasing you. but what do i get, cos i just seem to lose? you make me regret those times i spent with you. and playing those games as i wait for yr call.. now i give up, so goodbye and so long*
*remember tonight, it just might last you the rest of your life. and all those times i said 'i love you,' those weren't lies. this will hurt you but in time, you will understand that i would never want to be in his shoes, but i would do anything to take his place.*
"m" penfold (change the "his" to "her" though)
long time no talk. i was on long island.
monday i went home.. went to my dads. got some info on LI schools. mike came over at like midnight, he picked me up and we went to the diner, where we played mad libs and drank coffee. fucking no smoking laws.. anyway. went back to my house and watched tv till 8am. he crashed at my place. i slept in my moms bed. couldnt sleep though. the cats were chasing each other around and running over me. the sun was bright bc the windows face east. the phone kept ringing. i got up at 2. mike took me to the dentist, i got my cavity filled. we went to fridays and had some food, but half my mouth was completely numb. eating soup was quite the task. so was navigating the straw to my mudslide. went back to my house, watched tv. i fell apart bc i got my hopes up. i constructed this idea in my head that the enigma would somehow make it to my house. i knew he wouldnt. he had practice on monday and his moms bday on tuesday. but i convinced myself that he'd stop by to cuddle sometime after. but no. and he didnt even send a message to tell me he was sorry he wouldnt make it.. just kinda left me hanging the whole time, with a big "i dont think i'll be able to hang out, but i'll try." which translates to "sit home and wait around for me, ok?" in my head. so whatever. mike left at like midnight. i watched a lot of tv, golden girls, mad about you, some discovery channel show on informants. fell asleep around 2:45. i got up at 1130 this morning. the cats slept at the same time as i did (and yoda was still asleep when i wanted to get up), and i fell asleep before the sun. i got up and wrote cover letters. sent out some resumes. watched some more tv (american idol.. so bad), then i got on the LIRR to come back to brooklyn. wrote some on the train. listened to penfold. called antonia, she played little bits of nkotb songs over the phone and we giggled. got off at jamaica, took the E.. and i was looking out for a G train, so i could switch, but i somehow missed it and it pulled into queens plaza just as the doors to my E closed. so i got off at 23rd-Ely, hoping that i could beat the G, i ran as fast as i could through the corridor.. but i missed it. it was pulling into the next station. so i sat in the cold station, i swear i was the only one there for like 15 minutes. then candace came down and did the pee pee dance. we got home and we did a mad lib, and looked at pictures. then i showed her the part of "the places you have come to fear the most" that i learned, then i played and played and played until i could play the entire intro. now im super proud of myself.
some lyrics? ok.
*sleep with our socks on, we never know how cold it gets in this room.. i can see my breath but tell me, why can't i see yours.. watching the lights dim, watching my fingers moving, bleeding.. be her eyes, leave her alone.. be her eyes, leave her alone..
wake up and stand tall.. theyre waiting outside of your door.. we cant stop, if we slow down now, we'll never get there..
and thats fine.. this X marks the spot not where a life begins but where a life begins to matter..
be her eyes, leave her alone..*
"the sound of jazz" penfold.
soo good. i hadnt listened to the album in a while.. and i forgot how much i loved it. "sea of crisis" is soooo good. there is one song though.. "brilliance." it was written by a girl. not a member of penfold. but like. i dont know, i hate the beginning, but the middle to the end is sooooo gooooood. its intense.
*If I wake up blind, with the sun in my eyes
Beating on my brow through the car window
If I close my eyes, will I miss pink skies being overcome by black clouds above
But I'm too scared to explain why only days ago, I'm sure I died
The brilliance of the rocks below
I'm in control, at the edge, on my own
Arguments and solace from the book inside the dresser drawer
Curled up on the bathroom floor and Billie's on the radio
If Lady Day could only know how she's saving me now
And I will fly away in time
And I will learn to forgive myself*
"the brilliance of the rocks below" is where it gets good. reallly good.
so anyway. im really tired. my eyes hurt and my back hurts and.. you know. im just tired. im really upset bc i sent him text messages like four days and for four days i got no response. on sunday i responded to his message by saying that he could come fall asleep with me after practice on monday.. i didnt really expect a response though, since my message was in response to his. on monday i sent something like "hope you had a good weekend, i brought yr favorite movie with me just in case." no response. so at like midnight i gave up on hearing from him, and sent "im guessing you wont be stopping by tonight, but if the festivities end early tomorrow, or you get lonely tonight, give me a call." ok. tuesday. "just wanted to say hi. hope yr having a good day. hugs." nothing. wednesday, around noon: "i didnt get everything done, so im still on LI today. what are you up to tonight?" nothing. 2pm: "i dunno if my phone is being dumb again, but i havent gotten any responses from you in 4 days. so if yr free tonight, call me." nothing. so i sent kim a message saying i didnt think i was getting my messages, would she send me one. and she did. so. yah. its not even like last week, when i wasnt getting my messages. he's just not responding. whatever though. im a big girl. i need to walk away. thats it.
but thats the problem.. i have to walk away. and im not ready to do that. the only way i can move on and forget my feelings is to say goodbye. just say its over, and tell him i cant see or speak to him anymore. thats what happened in 98. i had to walk away. only i was stronger then. i *could* walk away. but.. i mean, he also really prompted me to walk away. he wanted some time.. and to me, that translated into.. "i need to not see or speak to you for a while to make suzanne happy, and once thats done, i'll call you." and to allow that would be letting him win, he could get the girl and keep me. i wasnt about that. it hurt, and it hurt so much that i could go.. that i could say byebye... but now. its like.. i want soo much to believe that i let him go and he came back to me. and i still really care, and he hasn't outright HURT me. so i cant convince myself to leave. but ive had the conversation in my head a thousand times. i would say "im sorry, but i cant do this. as long as you are a part of my life, i will have feelings for you, and its not healthy. you dont want to be with me, but every time i see you, we end up being together. and every time i talk to you, i end up seeing you. and even if we didnt hook up when we were together, i would still hurt bc i cant be with you. so what i need for you to do, is to leave me alone. and if i get weak and send you a message, dont respond. just pretend like you didnt get it. instantly delete it from yr phone. and if you miss me, dont tell me. dont send me messages to let me know you were thinking about me, dont build up my hopes and make me think that someday.... someday you'll come around. bc you wont, and i cant be a part of this any longer. you'll understand someday. i'm sorry. i love you too much." it'll be dramatic and sad and i'll probably cry.
im going to bed. its like quarter to four. i need to be effective tomorrow. play some guitar, read some history. you know. not be such a slacker. i can still get up at like 1230 if i go to bed now..
some blink 182 on the way out..
*i think of a while ago, we might have had it all. i was so stupid then, you needed time to grow. but now just as things change, as well my feelings do. in time things rearrange, i am so sick of chasing you. but what do i get, cos i just seem to lose? you make me regret those times i spent with you. and playing those games as i wait for yr call.. now i give up, so goodbye and so long*
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