Saturday, August 25, 2007
i'm goin crazy, i think about you constantly
* plow united *
i'm pretty much lost right now.
i went to Costa Rica. it was gorgeous. no sloth sightings. so sad.. but i love it there, and i will definitely return and go to the sloth hospital/rehabilitation center. maybe i can even cuddle one there.
was home for a few weeks, then i went to georgia with jan. that was fun also. until my second to last day, when i got involved in a discussion with tom about us. he wants to be single. i have no choice. i can't convince him to stay. i'm a mess though. a disaster. he's so right for me. i'm so right for him. he's an idiot. i only want to love him.
i'm too old for this.
i think i might be insane. i don't know why i have such intense feelings for someone who cannot be with me. i feel like i'm 19 again. 22. not 27. i'm supposed to be married by now. or at least engaged. yet i'm still pining.
i think i convinced myself that this was right, that this was it. because there is not much convincing necessary.. we're so perfect. common interests. amazingly happy when we are together. a complementary pair. he is what i need, i am what he needs. but it's not meant to be. and i can't understand why.. i can't grasp the reasoning of the fates for us to not be meant for each other.
i let myself start to fall in love when i knew it would end badly.
we have tickets to see pinback on october 6th. 7 weeks from tomorrow. that is when i'll see him again. in 49 days. the 49 longest days of my life, i guess. 1176 hours.
i can't unwrap my emotions from around him. i'm tangled.
the past two days were perfect. wednesday was far from perfect.. he picked me up at newark airport and i was tearful through dinner and the drive to my apartment. but we watched a movie, and we cuddled. he slept in my bed, cuddling all night. he holds my hand in his sleep. awoke thursday morning to go to montauk.. shared a bagel on the way, held hands in the car the whole way.. talking, laughing, listening to music.. we got to montauk after a 3 hour drive.. went to the lighthouse, where he paid, and climbed the 137 stairs to the top. no view, too much fog. went for a long hike through hither woods preserve and hither hills park. beautiful scenery, a white-tailed deer, and sporadic sweet kisses on the cheek. pancakes for dinner, where he paid again. joking about asking directions to the gazebo. the long drive back, socializing with my dad, who i'm pretty sure thinks tom and i are an item. which i'll have to explain that, no, we aren't. holding hands continually while in the car. he holds my free hand with both of his, gently rubbing my fingertips. we arrive at my apartment and i let him nap while i shower. we watch a movie, cuddle. he stays the night again. i let him sprawl across the bed, diagonal. holding my hand. waking to cuddles.. i call in sick to my eyebrow appointment because i can't bear the thought of not having his body beside mine, not getting a proper goodbye.. a trip to all american burgers, holding hands, he pays again. return here, i cry. i can't say goodbye. i can't i can't i can't. i know that when he leaves it's gone, he's gone and he's gone for a long time. this is not reversible. he will not see how much he misses me, that he needs me. i need to keep him here, i can't let him out of my sight because it's over when he drives away. avoiding phone calls, i'm crying, i'm telling him this is killing me and he's explaining that it's his fault, he's a mess. it's not me, it's any girl.. two years single hasn't been enough. he needs to be single. i can't stop crying, he's kissing me. why is he kissing me? we're copying the cds we made for atlantic city on to my computer and i don't want it to end. please don't end. please..... but it does, three cds are now on my computer and there is nothing keeping him here. he's begging me to end this on a good note, and i can't not cry. i need to be stronger, a bigger person, but i don't have it in me. i need him to stay. he says "walk me out?". i do. he holds my hand to the elevator. in the elevator. my eyes are swollen. it's bright outside, he has my plow united cd. we arrive at his car and a new wave of tears washes over me. he's leaving, this is goodbye, this is GOODBYE. he hugs me, he won't met go. he kisses me, again and again, always returning to the hug. i say goodbye. i can't hold on anymore, need to do this quick, like ripping off a band-aid. i'm saying goodbye, i'm walking away. i don't look back before i enter my building, i don't want to see him because i'll run back, i'll run back screaming "don't go" or "please stay" or.. i don't know. it'll be dramatic. there's nothing i can do. he's home in new jersey, i'm here on long island. two rivers and the island of manhattan between us. a world away, and 49 days.. forty nine days. forty nine days.....
if i could tell you that i'd fallen for you, that i had fallen in love with you, it wouldn't matter. you'd still be on the mainland and i'd still be here. i'd still be the perfect girl for you, who you couldn't be with. i'd still be me, unlucky in love. i'd still feel like vomiting every five seconds. so i listen to "loro" and i cry because it sounds like you.
like i cry now.
like i'll cry later.
like i'll....
i swear i love you. and i hate that yr gone. i'm too old for this. unrequited love.. i'm too old.....
* plow united *
i'm pretty much lost right now.
i went to Costa Rica. it was gorgeous. no sloth sightings. so sad.. but i love it there, and i will definitely return and go to the sloth hospital/rehabilitation center. maybe i can even cuddle one there.
was home for a few weeks, then i went to georgia with jan. that was fun also. until my second to last day, when i got involved in a discussion with tom about us. he wants to be single. i have no choice. i can't convince him to stay. i'm a mess though. a disaster. he's so right for me. i'm so right for him. he's an idiot. i only want to love him.
i'm too old for this.
i think i might be insane. i don't know why i have such intense feelings for someone who cannot be with me. i feel like i'm 19 again. 22. not 27. i'm supposed to be married by now. or at least engaged. yet i'm still pining.
i think i convinced myself that this was right, that this was it. because there is not much convincing necessary.. we're so perfect. common interests. amazingly happy when we are together. a complementary pair. he is what i need, i am what he needs. but it's not meant to be. and i can't understand why.. i can't grasp the reasoning of the fates for us to not be meant for each other.
i let myself start to fall in love when i knew it would end badly.
we have tickets to see pinback on october 6th. 7 weeks from tomorrow. that is when i'll see him again. in 49 days. the 49 longest days of my life, i guess. 1176 hours.
i can't unwrap my emotions from around him. i'm tangled.
the past two days were perfect. wednesday was far from perfect.. he picked me up at newark airport and i was tearful through dinner and the drive to my apartment. but we watched a movie, and we cuddled. he slept in my bed, cuddling all night. he holds my hand in his sleep. awoke thursday morning to go to montauk.. shared a bagel on the way, held hands in the car the whole way.. talking, laughing, listening to music.. we got to montauk after a 3 hour drive.. went to the lighthouse, where he paid, and climbed the 137 stairs to the top. no view, too much fog. went for a long hike through hither woods preserve and hither hills park. beautiful scenery, a white-tailed deer, and sporadic sweet kisses on the cheek. pancakes for dinner, where he paid again. joking about asking directions to the gazebo. the long drive back, socializing with my dad, who i'm pretty sure thinks tom and i are an item. which i'll have to explain that, no, we aren't. holding hands continually while in the car. he holds my free hand with both of his, gently rubbing my fingertips. we arrive at my apartment and i let him nap while i shower. we watch a movie, cuddle. he stays the night again. i let him sprawl across the bed, diagonal. holding my hand. waking to cuddles.. i call in sick to my eyebrow appointment because i can't bear the thought of not having his body beside mine, not getting a proper goodbye.. a trip to all american burgers, holding hands, he pays again. return here, i cry. i can't say goodbye. i can't i can't i can't. i know that when he leaves it's gone, he's gone and he's gone for a long time. this is not reversible. he will not see how much he misses me, that he needs me. i need to keep him here, i can't let him out of my sight because it's over when he drives away. avoiding phone calls, i'm crying, i'm telling him this is killing me and he's explaining that it's his fault, he's a mess. it's not me, it's any girl.. two years single hasn't been enough. he needs to be single. i can't stop crying, he's kissing me. why is he kissing me? we're copying the cds we made for atlantic city on to my computer and i don't want it to end. please don't end. please..... but it does, three cds are now on my computer and there is nothing keeping him here. he's begging me to end this on a good note, and i can't not cry. i need to be stronger, a bigger person, but i don't have it in me. i need him to stay. he says "walk me out?". i do. he holds my hand to the elevator. in the elevator. my eyes are swollen. it's bright outside, he has my plow united cd. we arrive at his car and a new wave of tears washes over me. he's leaving, this is goodbye, this is GOODBYE. he hugs me, he won't met go. he kisses me, again and again, always returning to the hug. i say goodbye. i can't hold on anymore, need to do this quick, like ripping off a band-aid. i'm saying goodbye, i'm walking away. i don't look back before i enter my building, i don't want to see him because i'll run back, i'll run back screaming "don't go" or "please stay" or.. i don't know. it'll be dramatic. there's nothing i can do. he's home in new jersey, i'm here on long island. two rivers and the island of manhattan between us. a world away, and 49 days.. forty nine days. forty nine days.....
if i could tell you that i'd fallen for you, that i had fallen in love with you, it wouldn't matter. you'd still be on the mainland and i'd still be here. i'd still be the perfect girl for you, who you couldn't be with. i'd still be me, unlucky in love. i'd still feel like vomiting every five seconds. so i listen to "loro" and i cry because it sounds like you.
like i cry now.
like i'll cry later.
like i'll....
i swear i love you. and i hate that yr gone. i'm too old for this. unrequited love.. i'm too old.....
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