Tuesday, April 20, 2004
*now that i know that im breaking to pieces i'll pull out my heart and i'll feed it to anyone*
the cure.
so. now that we know this thing is not dead.. i guess im just blah. i was pretty depressed today, weird shit happened and i found myself laying on my side, staring out the window and thinking about what a failure i am, about how my life lacks any meaningful relationships.. it started at rudy's after work. it was kim and derek and me, drinking. and kim got up to go to the bathroom, and derek goes "this is why i dont kill myself." and i was like "this?" and he said "sitting outside in a garden, drunk, with good conversation and beautiful people." so kim got back and we started thinking of reasons to not kill ourselves, and i could only come up with two. i mean, they are two GOOD reasons, but still. i wish i had a million. or maybe like ten. but two. and they are, in no particular order: (1) bc it would be a great big FUCK YOU to my parents, like "hey i know you guys worked real hard to provide for me, and you helped me getting a masters, but hell, i dont appreciate it. fuck you, im gonna be selfish and die, mmmk?" and... shit. ive already forgotten.. oh, i remember.. (2) because i'm WAY too afraid that i'll miss something. when i was little i didnt sleep bc i was afraid i'd miss something, i didnt miss a day of school.. i always had to be there. and killing myself would make me miss a lot of things. it is therefore not an option. and i was sad that i only had two reasons, i was sad that one of them wasnt that i am able to form meaningful relationships.. bc i CANT. clearly. everything i do is empty and meaningless. i hate my job, i hate school, i hate my friends half the time.
so i think im on the edge of another nervous breakdown. its kind of overdue. i got home this morning and i was just like totally miserable. i had been a jerk to the enigma last night. i sent him a message saying "did i do something wrong? i feel like i dont hear from you since monday" and he was like "no not at all. i dont really know why. i feel like we havent really been texting either. its been hectic. we played a lot this week." and i was like "ok.. if you say so.." and i felt like that was a jerk thing to do. so i messaged him at like 830am, and i just said that i was sorry for being a jerk, and that i think im on the edge of a breakdown and that i should probably sleep for the rest of the week to hope my mind stops failing me.. i didnt hear back from him, so i went to sleep. i overslept for work today, which i NEVER do.. i got there 15 minutes late, and i finally heard back from him at 535. he was like "whats going on with you. are you ok. how was yr weekend? make a lot in tips?" and i said something like i made $600 but it didnt matter bc i was miserable and i wanted to cry constantly. so he asked why i felt like that and i told him it was bc i felt like ppl just used me and didnt really care about me. and that everything was empty and meaningless. so he asked why i thought i meant nothing to people.. and i said bc no one cares, bc its always using.. i dont remember exactly what i said, but he responded "stop. thats not true." and i was like "it IS true" and he said "why do i feel like yr yelling at me?" which irritated me. i mean, i guess it was his guilty conscience, bc he KNOWS he is using me, and using me worse than anyone else does, at that.. so i said "i dont know why you feel that way. you asked me what was wrong. why are you taking it personally?" and he said "i dont know. you rule and i feel like you dont know." and i think i said something like "i wish i knew that, too. but i dont. im sorry if ive upset you." he never responded. i rule? what? he tells me that ALLLL the time, but it doesnt make him wanna mean anything more than sex to me. or be responsible to me in any capacity. or even spend TIME with me. do i rule bc i'll send you dirty text messages, bc i know you love it? do i rule bc i LET you use me, for a YEAR now, without pressing the issue of you and me? and then i start to get mad at him, and think about last week, but i get stopped short by the little voice that goes "he tried to see you at 8:22am. yr phone didnt alert you. yr the one who slept all day and never checked for a text message. he WANTED to see you for the whole day." ugh. and its RIGHT. thats the worst part. that i cant even get that mad, bc he did make an effort. though it was WEAK and he could have called me. so thats that. im still confused. i dont think ill see him for a while.. im thinking mid-may, earliest, unless i go to LI next week. which i might.
anyway. bedtime. i wanna get up at 1030. i have this strange desire to look nice tomorrow, and i have therapy at 12. if i get up at 1030, then i can iron my hair and perhaps throw on some make up (!!!). i think i will wear a skirt.. i shaved my legs in the shower tonight, but i missed one hair on my left leg. or at least thats all ive noticed so far. and 6.5 hours works for me.. so goodnight, moon.
the cure.
so. now that we know this thing is not dead.. i guess im just blah. i was pretty depressed today, weird shit happened and i found myself laying on my side, staring out the window and thinking about what a failure i am, about how my life lacks any meaningful relationships.. it started at rudy's after work. it was kim and derek and me, drinking. and kim got up to go to the bathroom, and derek goes "this is why i dont kill myself." and i was like "this?" and he said "sitting outside in a garden, drunk, with good conversation and beautiful people." so kim got back and we started thinking of reasons to not kill ourselves, and i could only come up with two. i mean, they are two GOOD reasons, but still. i wish i had a million. or maybe like ten. but two. and they are, in no particular order: (1) bc it would be a great big FUCK YOU to my parents, like "hey i know you guys worked real hard to provide for me, and you helped me getting a masters, but hell, i dont appreciate it. fuck you, im gonna be selfish and die, mmmk?" and... shit. ive already forgotten.. oh, i remember.. (2) because i'm WAY too afraid that i'll miss something. when i was little i didnt sleep bc i was afraid i'd miss something, i didnt miss a day of school.. i always had to be there. and killing myself would make me miss a lot of things. it is therefore not an option. and i was sad that i only had two reasons, i was sad that one of them wasnt that i am able to form meaningful relationships.. bc i CANT. clearly. everything i do is empty and meaningless. i hate my job, i hate school, i hate my friends half the time.
so i think im on the edge of another nervous breakdown. its kind of overdue. i got home this morning and i was just like totally miserable. i had been a jerk to the enigma last night. i sent him a message saying "did i do something wrong? i feel like i dont hear from you since monday" and he was like "no not at all. i dont really know why. i feel like we havent really been texting either. its been hectic. we played a lot this week." and i was like "ok.. if you say so.." and i felt like that was a jerk thing to do. so i messaged him at like 830am, and i just said that i was sorry for being a jerk, and that i think im on the edge of a breakdown and that i should probably sleep for the rest of the week to hope my mind stops failing me.. i didnt hear back from him, so i went to sleep. i overslept for work today, which i NEVER do.. i got there 15 minutes late, and i finally heard back from him at 535. he was like "whats going on with you. are you ok. how was yr weekend? make a lot in tips?" and i said something like i made $600 but it didnt matter bc i was miserable and i wanted to cry constantly. so he asked why i felt like that and i told him it was bc i felt like ppl just used me and didnt really care about me. and that everything was empty and meaningless. so he asked why i thought i meant nothing to people.. and i said bc no one cares, bc its always using.. i dont remember exactly what i said, but he responded "stop. thats not true." and i was like "it IS true" and he said "why do i feel like yr yelling at me?" which irritated me. i mean, i guess it was his guilty conscience, bc he KNOWS he is using me, and using me worse than anyone else does, at that.. so i said "i dont know why you feel that way. you asked me what was wrong. why are you taking it personally?" and he said "i dont know. you rule and i feel like you dont know." and i think i said something like "i wish i knew that, too. but i dont. im sorry if ive upset you." he never responded. i rule? what? he tells me that ALLLL the time, but it doesnt make him wanna mean anything more than sex to me. or be responsible to me in any capacity. or even spend TIME with me. do i rule bc i'll send you dirty text messages, bc i know you love it? do i rule bc i LET you use me, for a YEAR now, without pressing the issue of you and me? and then i start to get mad at him, and think about last week, but i get stopped short by the little voice that goes "he tried to see you at 8:22am. yr phone didnt alert you. yr the one who slept all day and never checked for a text message. he WANTED to see you for the whole day." ugh. and its RIGHT. thats the worst part. that i cant even get that mad, bc he did make an effort. though it was WEAK and he could have called me. so thats that. im still confused. i dont think ill see him for a while.. im thinking mid-may, earliest, unless i go to LI next week. which i might.
anyway. bedtime. i wanna get up at 1030. i have this strange desire to look nice tomorrow, and i have therapy at 12. if i get up at 1030, then i can iron my hair and perhaps throw on some make up (!!!). i think i will wear a skirt.. i shaved my legs in the shower tonight, but i missed one hair on my left leg. or at least thats all ive noticed so far. and 6.5 hours works for me.. so goodnight, moon.
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