is it too late to heal?

so. here i was, since 1:14 am, typing away, making jokes and being merry. and all the sudden my computer freezes and ALL IS LOST. i wanted to cry. i discussed the proper way to make mix tapes, like in high fidelity. i articulated the importance of fresh songs on a first mix, when you want someone to know you like them, but you gotta play it cool bc you dont wanna scare them off. and how you save the mushy songs for the "im falling in love with you" tape. and i talked about how ryans kill yrself cd was mislabelled, and should in fact be a break up cd.. bc the songs are mushy and lovey. and i said that kill yrself cds have to end with something sad and acoustic. but nooooo. aol wanted to freeze, and not let me send my thing, and all is lost. i still wanna cry when i think about it. it was funny and i loved it. i told you about my conversation with my mom. i talked about what i want in a boy (no money lovers, just flighty musicians for me.. people who wanna do what they love and make money for it). i talked about steve and how sad it was that we arent close anymore, bc i didnt become a member of that thing.. and how i like anarchopunk but i dont roll with the anarchists, and how i like marx, but im not hanging out with the communists.. and how i dont like to fit in, that i dont want to belong to something.. and i talked about about ryans cd, and how he had recycled some songs he put on the tape he made me for my 18th birthday, and how i felt like they'd been cheapened, bc he clearly made this cd bc he missed sarah.. i said stuff about the serenity prayer, and how my therapist wants me to go to AA bc im an addict. and i think its weird, i dont wanna go to AA and be like "my name is gille, and im addicted to a plethora of things, none of which is alcohol" cos im NOT. i might be addicted to the enigma (so says dr. jennifer, and i would have to agree), and cigarettes, and pot, and music, and emotion, and sex.. but not alcohol. nope.

anyway. im sad now, and i lost a piece of me. which is why i will never leave the lovely paper journal. she doesnt freeze and cost me two hours of work. nosiree. i shall smoke more pot now. ha.