Friday, April 16, 2004
*being lonely isnt about wanting to be with other people - its about wanting to be with people who really care about you.*
carrie pilby
thats the book im reading. i saw it when i was at borders a few months ago buying books for school. it looked interesting, like in a popfiction type of way. so my stepsister got it for me for my bday and im loving it. i can identify with carrie. i can identify with anyone. but yah. i have like 100 pages left, which i may read tonight or maybe tomorrow. i have to (try to) go to the PO tomorrow, but who knows really. i have work at 5, and id like to get there in time to eat something real quick. or maybe ill have pasta before i go.. but wouldnt that make me tired earlier? we shall see..
im kinda bored. candace went to bed way early tonight, she was up till like 2am last night, and so ive been chillin for the past hour and forty minutes. courtney love was on leno, she is so crazy that woman. shes funny but in a crackhead kind of way. now im watching conan. my okcupid buddy isnt going to be here tonight, his band is playing chicago so hes not going to be around for the weekend. which is normal, seeing as he works weeknights as the night doorman at this hotel.. and he usually doesnt work fri or sat nights. but i am usually working then. mike hasnt signed on yet, which is weird for him. i have no one to talk to, i already did the crossword. so now i shall blather for a wee bit. or maybe ill go read. but i wanna watch conan, too.
i sent the enigma a text message at midnight. just sayiing i was thinking of him and that i hoped the show was well tonight. but he didnt respond. perhaps they got back already, and hes asleep. perhaps not. who cares, really. he doesnt care about me. this was demonstrated monday. why i think he'll come through all the sudden is beyond me, really. i mean, he hasnt even been messaging me a lot since we saw each other on monday. he was in my dream this morning, and he wanted a cheeseburger so i went to get him some, but it was like impossible to find a fuckin burger. so i got into a cab (i think we were in like miami or something) and i tried to get to mcdonalds i was like "i'm just gonna get a 2 cheeseburgers meal" and the cabbie was descending through this garage and we were almost there, but it was gated off at the bottom so i said i'd be right back and i went through and i got the cheeseburgers, but to get there i had to jump off this really high wall... so i did and i tried to get back to the cab but he was gone and i was lost and i finally made it back to the place they were playing at, and they were gone.. and i felt sad. bc all i wanted to do was make him happy. so i told him about this dream (in the space of two texct messages so like only 300 characters lol) and HOURS later he responds "thats weird. well you know how i love burgers. i wonder what it means. i need to get a dream book." and i said it made me sad. and thats all that mattered.
im full but i still wanna eat. i dont know what to do with myself tonight. seriously. this is awful. i feel lonely for the first time in a long time. which is weird bc i felt so good this afternoon and evening. i was like.. i wore my yellow sweater today to commemorate the first day of sunshine in a while.. and when i came home from rutgers, i stopped at the grocery store and i picked up a nice dinner for myself, and it smelled like someone was baking fresh jelly donuts all up manhattan avenue.. i loved it. i felt so at home in greenpoint at that moment, i was walking up java st and it all made sense, it was dusk and the river was lit up real blue right in front of me.. and it was warm yet damp yet pleasant. and i thought i should wander around.. but i had like 900 printouts in my bag and i wanted to eat my dinner before the final apprentice started at 9. so i came home and listened to candace's bad day. watched extreme home makeovers. it was way touching. then we watched the apprentice, which was good i guess. i wasnt really for either of the candidates.. but it was candace and my show, so i had to watch. i wish i had a reeses peanut butter cup. not the white chocolate crap they are advertising on my tv at this very second, but the old school brown chocolate kind. white chocolate is like a product of the devil. it is not good. nosiree! no.
so in addition to my pasta, i got a hunk of mozzerella cheese (im so PMS i *need* mozz!), a hunk of cheddar, and a pint of haagan daz, which i was opposed to, only c-town had just ben and jerrys light (ew). so i went with vanilla fudge haagan daaz. which i cant spell. so there.
ooooh i picked up my thesis today, and dr. basch loved it. so just a few minor corrections.. i love that. im about to have acheived a masters education by being a slacker and skating. maybe im smarter than i think. or maybe im just a fabulous con artist who has conned herself a Masters somehow. well. i guess i wrote all the papers. so... i mean i *earned* it, but yah. i didnt work hard at all.
uup.. heres mike. not responding to my IM. perhaps it is the comment i made about him being a jerk sauce face on his myspace comments area. he was making fun of me in *my* comments, so i had to declare war.
i want to eeeat. i just took a break to eat a slab of mozzerella. and i got a new cherry coke, cos this ones almost out. i could have some more ice cream i suppose. but i dont wanna get fat. well kinda i do. but not really. i like my girlish figure, and i think i should hold onto it as long as possible since when i move to li i will be getting negative amounts of exercise. which will probably lead to me gaining weight. but hell you never know i was skinny when i lived there in the first place. and i was a sloth back then too. more than i am now, cos i didnt walk anywhere. or wait tables, which i swear is the secret to my success.
so ive succumbed to talking to chevys people right now. jesse and kathy. jesse asked me about nick before. he apparently misses him. however, for all i know that kid is living somehwere around lower manhattan being an asshole.
oooh chaz just signed on. like i would im him. after that email. but. whatever, i mean. i guess i dont understand the whole thing bc all i was trying to do was be friends again bc he meant so much to me, but he still hates me so much.. its not like i was asking him to get back together, bc im relatively sure that would be a bad idea. since until the enigma like dies or moves out of state, there will always be the chance that i would cheat on the boyfriend. which is why i abstain from forming relationships with people. bc i know i will not be faithful, and this is fair of me. diplomatic. im not trying to hurt anyone.
blah blah blah blah. im just gonna babble and babble cos no one reads this anyway and at least then i feel like im talking to someone. if my fingers are moving i feel less alone. so type i shall, while im holding on for mike and talking to jesse. woooo.
i found two little bugs in my bathroom tonight. im reminded that warmth is coming. i hear that we might reach 80 this upcoming week! i would die. i would drop everything and make my way on over to the park for some suntan enhancement.
i wanna go back to vegas. all i think about is playing roulette and making bigger bets. and winning! i want to go to atlantic city. and mohegan sun. i wanna gamble. constantly. i want to move to vegas. no ok, i do not want to move there. but i def wanna go again and have a better time and make big bets and come home rich. or poor. whatever, i just want it to be fun. i like fun. i wanna go with the enigma. that would be cute. us betting and making out. neat.
eeeep! eeeep!!! i so wanna im that boy chaz. he said i could whenever i wanted to, but like in the same breath that he said he'd been better off without me. and his away messages allude to a new love, so im happy for him, but somehow i think he would be less receptive to being my friend if hes in a relationship.
what the fuck is michael up to? this hold on has taken entirely too long. he's probably cyber making out with one of his internet girls. cos he da pimp lately. but then he meets them and there are no sparks and he must emerge alone and disillusioned, insisting: "im not like you, gille. i cant spend hours alone and be content." content. ha! i am certainly not content. if i were content, i wouldnt be trading the use of my body for a couple of hours of intimacy a month. to feel close to someone for like one hundred and eighty minutes.. for that i give him myself, and i remain miserable for the rest of the hours of the days of the weeks of the months till we meet again, and he acts like i mean something to him and he provides me with human contact and psuedo love for those three hours.. which isnt enough, but i make it enough bc its all i can manage from him.... content. ha!
ooooh i have peanut m+m's! YAY! YAY!
i need a haircut. i think ill wait till after this whole end of my education crunch is over.. since i need to work on my thesis and study for orals this week. UGH. im going to perish. or something. im way freaking out about this, i mean im not.. but im like. putting it off and i know ill get stressed but i wont collapse, i havent yet. tw more weeks and then im done! DONE DONE DONE! for ALL of may AND june AND july, i can just work and have 2-3 days a week off to read books and go to the park and find a new home on LI and get a kitty so he'll be old enough for me to take home on august 1 when i move back... and i can watch as much tv as i want with no deadlines and do things that make me happy (like sitting inside my apartment).. i wonder if ill become a hermit. ha i doubt it. considering i havent yet and i havent had classes at all this semester, either.
i just ate that whole bag of peanut m+m's, by the way. are you sick of me yet? you dont exist so you cant be. hahahahaha.
i kinda feel bad for fans of friends. because i know how it feels to lose yr show. when x-files ended, i was lost and lonely, and i had no idea what to do with my sunday nights. what will these people do on their thursdays? they look forward to friends, and following the lives of these people. kinda like how i get with books.. all drawn in and i get so upset when they end bc i know i can never get it back and that ill never read another wordabout mersault or charlie again.. because their stories have ended....
anyway im through with this crap now. i refuse to proofread. you figure out my spelling mistakes, mmmk? xoxo.
carrie pilby
thats the book im reading. i saw it when i was at borders a few months ago buying books for school. it looked interesting, like in a popfiction type of way. so my stepsister got it for me for my bday and im loving it. i can identify with carrie. i can identify with anyone. but yah. i have like 100 pages left, which i may read tonight or maybe tomorrow. i have to (try to) go to the PO tomorrow, but who knows really. i have work at 5, and id like to get there in time to eat something real quick. or maybe ill have pasta before i go.. but wouldnt that make me tired earlier? we shall see..
im kinda bored. candace went to bed way early tonight, she was up till like 2am last night, and so ive been chillin for the past hour and forty minutes. courtney love was on leno, she is so crazy that woman. shes funny but in a crackhead kind of way. now im watching conan. my okcupid buddy isnt going to be here tonight, his band is playing chicago so hes not going to be around for the weekend. which is normal, seeing as he works weeknights as the night doorman at this hotel.. and he usually doesnt work fri or sat nights. but i am usually working then. mike hasnt signed on yet, which is weird for him. i have no one to talk to, i already did the crossword. so now i shall blather for a wee bit. or maybe ill go read. but i wanna watch conan, too.
i sent the enigma a text message at midnight. just sayiing i was thinking of him and that i hoped the show was well tonight. but he didnt respond. perhaps they got back already, and hes asleep. perhaps not. who cares, really. he doesnt care about me. this was demonstrated monday. why i think he'll come through all the sudden is beyond me, really. i mean, he hasnt even been messaging me a lot since we saw each other on monday. he was in my dream this morning, and he wanted a cheeseburger so i went to get him some, but it was like impossible to find a fuckin burger. so i got into a cab (i think we were in like miami or something) and i tried to get to mcdonalds i was like "i'm just gonna get a 2 cheeseburgers meal" and the cabbie was descending through this garage and we were almost there, but it was gated off at the bottom so i said i'd be right back and i went through and i got the cheeseburgers, but to get there i had to jump off this really high wall... so i did and i tried to get back to the cab but he was gone and i was lost and i finally made it back to the place they were playing at, and they were gone.. and i felt sad. bc all i wanted to do was make him happy. so i told him about this dream (in the space of two texct messages so like only 300 characters lol) and HOURS later he responds "thats weird. well you know how i love burgers. i wonder what it means. i need to get a dream book." and i said it made me sad. and thats all that mattered.
im full but i still wanna eat. i dont know what to do with myself tonight. seriously. this is awful. i feel lonely for the first time in a long time. which is weird bc i felt so good this afternoon and evening. i was like.. i wore my yellow sweater today to commemorate the first day of sunshine in a while.. and when i came home from rutgers, i stopped at the grocery store and i picked up a nice dinner for myself, and it smelled like someone was baking fresh jelly donuts all up manhattan avenue.. i loved it. i felt so at home in greenpoint at that moment, i was walking up java st and it all made sense, it was dusk and the river was lit up real blue right in front of me.. and it was warm yet damp yet pleasant. and i thought i should wander around.. but i had like 900 printouts in my bag and i wanted to eat my dinner before the final apprentice started at 9. so i came home and listened to candace's bad day. watched extreme home makeovers. it was way touching. then we watched the apprentice, which was good i guess. i wasnt really for either of the candidates.. but it was candace and my show, so i had to watch. i wish i had a reeses peanut butter cup. not the white chocolate crap they are advertising on my tv at this very second, but the old school brown chocolate kind. white chocolate is like a product of the devil. it is not good. nosiree! no.
so in addition to my pasta, i got a hunk of mozzerella cheese (im so PMS i *need* mozz!), a hunk of cheddar, and a pint of haagan daz, which i was opposed to, only c-town had just ben and jerrys light (ew). so i went with vanilla fudge haagan daaz. which i cant spell. so there.
ooooh i picked up my thesis today, and dr. basch loved it. so just a few minor corrections.. i love that. im about to have acheived a masters education by being a slacker and skating. maybe im smarter than i think. or maybe im just a fabulous con artist who has conned herself a Masters somehow. well. i guess i wrote all the papers. so... i mean i *earned* it, but yah. i didnt work hard at all.
uup.. heres mike. not responding to my IM. perhaps it is the comment i made about him being a jerk sauce face on his myspace comments area. he was making fun of me in *my* comments, so i had to declare war.
i want to eeeat. i just took a break to eat a slab of mozzerella. and i got a new cherry coke, cos this ones almost out. i could have some more ice cream i suppose. but i dont wanna get fat. well kinda i do. but not really. i like my girlish figure, and i think i should hold onto it as long as possible since when i move to li i will be getting negative amounts of exercise. which will probably lead to me gaining weight. but hell you never know i was skinny when i lived there in the first place. and i was a sloth back then too. more than i am now, cos i didnt walk anywhere. or wait tables, which i swear is the secret to my success.
so ive succumbed to talking to chevys people right now. jesse and kathy. jesse asked me about nick before. he apparently misses him. however, for all i know that kid is living somehwere around lower manhattan being an asshole.
oooh chaz just signed on. like i would im him. after that email. but. whatever, i mean. i guess i dont understand the whole thing bc all i was trying to do was be friends again bc he meant so much to me, but he still hates me so much.. its not like i was asking him to get back together, bc im relatively sure that would be a bad idea. since until the enigma like dies or moves out of state, there will always be the chance that i would cheat on the boyfriend. which is why i abstain from forming relationships with people. bc i know i will not be faithful, and this is fair of me. diplomatic. im not trying to hurt anyone.
blah blah blah blah. im just gonna babble and babble cos no one reads this anyway and at least then i feel like im talking to someone. if my fingers are moving i feel less alone. so type i shall, while im holding on for mike and talking to jesse. woooo.
i found two little bugs in my bathroom tonight. im reminded that warmth is coming. i hear that we might reach 80 this upcoming week! i would die. i would drop everything and make my way on over to the park for some suntan enhancement.
i wanna go back to vegas. all i think about is playing roulette and making bigger bets. and winning! i want to go to atlantic city. and mohegan sun. i wanna gamble. constantly. i want to move to vegas. no ok, i do not want to move there. but i def wanna go again and have a better time and make big bets and come home rich. or poor. whatever, i just want it to be fun. i like fun. i wanna go with the enigma. that would be cute. us betting and making out. neat.
eeeep! eeeep!!! i so wanna im that boy chaz. he said i could whenever i wanted to, but like in the same breath that he said he'd been better off without me. and his away messages allude to a new love, so im happy for him, but somehow i think he would be less receptive to being my friend if hes in a relationship.
what the fuck is michael up to? this hold on has taken entirely too long. he's probably cyber making out with one of his internet girls. cos he da pimp lately. but then he meets them and there are no sparks and he must emerge alone and disillusioned, insisting: "im not like you, gille. i cant spend hours alone and be content." content. ha! i am certainly not content. if i were content, i wouldnt be trading the use of my body for a couple of hours of intimacy a month. to feel close to someone for like one hundred and eighty minutes.. for that i give him myself, and i remain miserable for the rest of the hours of the days of the weeks of the months till we meet again, and he acts like i mean something to him and he provides me with human contact and psuedo love for those three hours.. which isnt enough, but i make it enough bc its all i can manage from him.... content. ha!
ooooh i have peanut m+m's! YAY! YAY!
i need a haircut. i think ill wait till after this whole end of my education crunch is over.. since i need to work on my thesis and study for orals this week. UGH. im going to perish. or something. im way freaking out about this, i mean im not.. but im like. putting it off and i know ill get stressed but i wont collapse, i havent yet. tw more weeks and then im done! DONE DONE DONE! for ALL of may AND june AND july, i can just work and have 2-3 days a week off to read books and go to the park and find a new home on LI and get a kitty so he'll be old enough for me to take home on august 1 when i move back... and i can watch as much tv as i want with no deadlines and do things that make me happy (like sitting inside my apartment).. i wonder if ill become a hermit. ha i doubt it. considering i havent yet and i havent had classes at all this semester, either.
i just ate that whole bag of peanut m+m's, by the way. are you sick of me yet? you dont exist so you cant be. hahahahaha.
i kinda feel bad for fans of friends. because i know how it feels to lose yr show. when x-files ended, i was lost and lonely, and i had no idea what to do with my sunday nights. what will these people do on their thursdays? they look forward to friends, and following the lives of these people. kinda like how i get with books.. all drawn in and i get so upset when they end bc i know i can never get it back and that ill never read another wordabout mersault or charlie again.. because their stories have ended....
anyway im through with this crap now. i refuse to proofread. you figure out my spelling mistakes, mmmk? xoxo.
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