Tuesday, April 13, 2004
*i shot the pilot, now im begging you to fly this for me. im here for you to use, broken and bruised. do you understand? it's only you, beautiful. or i dont want anyone. if i can choose, it's only you. but how could i miscalculate... perfect eyes will have perfect aim. if i can choose, it's only you.*
brand new.
im tired. its only 5 pm. i think i might nap soon. id miss the king of queens, but thats better than missing one tree hill bc i fall asleep on the couch later. i would cry. i missed it in vegas.
i put up some pics on myspace.. one of my tattoo and a bunch from vegas. http://www.myspace.com/2174465.usr thats the address. wooohoooo. good times. the pics from my bday came out awful. i must have looked like crap. sigh. i did not scan any.
saw the enigma yesterday. it made me sad. the original plan was that he was gonna take off monday to spend the whole day with me.. but then he realized he had to take a half day thursday and didnt wanna take two days so he was gonna hang out with me after work monday, and then take off thursday the whole day and spend the morning with me. but some crap happened, he had to drive jeff to the train in the morning and found his radiator leaking, so he called off work anyway and texted me at 822 saying he wanted to see me. however, my phone opted not to alert me of my new messages.. and i stayed asleep. i did wake up at like 833. i determined which kitty was in my bed, looked at my phone and went back to sleep. fuck. so i wake up at 230, and i go to send him a message and find three waiting for me. fuck! so i said i was awake and he said hed be over in a bit. he gets to my place at like 315, and we lay down for a little while, then we decide to go get a movie. on the way to blockbuster, i said we should eat, so i asked if he wanted to get diner or something quick, and he said we should get something quick bc he had to pick up jeff at the train at 6. i was so mad. cos not only did he take off the day and now couldnt take off thursday, he was cutting down our time to like 2 hours. that made me so upset, i was like.. what the hell.. and so he told jeff to take a later train. that didnt really help though. why talk all this shit? why tell me you wanna spend the whole day with me, why tell me you want to cuddle, when you are scheduling another booty call with me? conveniently making plans for later.. you said youd drive me to the fucking train. but now yr bailing early and cancelling thursday. so we argued and i didnt talk about it like i should have. i mean, he knew he was upsetting me. i said i was going to go downstairs to get my laundry after we got back to my house and hes like "are you mad?" and i was like "no." and he was like "disappointed?" and i was like "yah maybe" and i walked away. came back and laid down with him.. we watched school of rock and then stuff happened. after, we were laying in my bed and he fell asleep.. i laid there and i cried silently. i stared at the wall thinking that everything he said to me in the past two weeks was a lie. that he probably didnt mean it when he said "lately thats all i think about. its all i want. you." or "i constantly wish you were with me, wherever i am." cos if it was true, you wouldnt always be bailing, youd WANT to see me. and i dont understand, cos it *is* more than sex, we talk and we joke and we can just be together without the physical part.. but at that moment it felt like nothing. it felt empty and meaningless. i cant explain it. it wasnt the same kind of empty and meaningless as, say, baxter, bc that was totally impersonal. it was still participatory, he talked to me and looked into my eyes and all the things that make it personal. and meaningful. but it was lacking at the same time. and it made me sad. i could feel him sleeping, all twitchy like, and i hoped that it would end before he woke up. i did not move, i laid there with tears falling out of my eyes, not breathing. and then he woke up. i made like my eye itched and wiped away the tears. he asked me if id been sleeping. i said no. and i started crying hard. i buried my face in my pillow and he asked if i was crying. i said no, but it was obvious i was. he put his amrs around me and kissed my back softly. he told me he wanted me to be happy. he kissed the top of my head. i apologised for being PMSy. and i said i was sorry if id ruined everything. instead of saying how hurt i was, how insiginificant his change of plans had made me feel.. i turned to face him, and i cuddled up to him, and he continued to kiss the top of my head softly. and he giggled at himself for it, apparently thinking he was adorable. he was like "little soft kisses!" and i thought about how much i hate him for being so fucking adorable. i walked him out and we said goodbye. he kissed me. i hugged him. he got in the car and he kissed the air like "come give me a kiss" and i did.. i wanted to cry again. i tried so hard not to cry in the first place. i couldnt stop. i just wanted to be ok or pretend i was ok. i got back to brooklyn last night and he had IMed me. i dont know when. perhaps it was when he was wishing i would respond to his text. i didnt understand why he didnt just call me. he said "we never talk on the phone" and i said "we used to talk on the phone all the time." and he said "that was before text messaging." grr. but i think ill retreat again. he will too, im sure. he'll fade into my background for a few weeks until i can feel like im over him. then the messages will start more frequently, he'll miss me. endless cycle. im not even going to say im staying away anymore, bc im a fucking failure.
anyway. im going to take a nap. mike is coming over around 1130, i got some board games today, risk and scattergories. this is my THIRD scattergories, mind you. my ex, rich, stole the first one. i left the second in casey's dorm room right before nick and i broke up and i severed ties with the pace community.. this one, im fuckin putting an alarm on or something. were gonna smoke and play board games and eat mashed potatoes. i should rest up. perhaps ill wake up around 8 and play guitar for an hour. anyway about that. i was going to take a nap... go look at my fabulous pics.
brand new.
im tired. its only 5 pm. i think i might nap soon. id miss the king of queens, but thats better than missing one tree hill bc i fall asleep on the couch later. i would cry. i missed it in vegas.
i put up some pics on myspace.. one of my tattoo and a bunch from vegas. http://www.myspace.com/2174465.usr thats the address. wooohoooo. good times. the pics from my bday came out awful. i must have looked like crap. sigh. i did not scan any.
saw the enigma yesterday. it made me sad. the original plan was that he was gonna take off monday to spend the whole day with me.. but then he realized he had to take a half day thursday and didnt wanna take two days so he was gonna hang out with me after work monday, and then take off thursday the whole day and spend the morning with me. but some crap happened, he had to drive jeff to the train in the morning and found his radiator leaking, so he called off work anyway and texted me at 822 saying he wanted to see me. however, my phone opted not to alert me of my new messages.. and i stayed asleep. i did wake up at like 833. i determined which kitty was in my bed, looked at my phone and went back to sleep. fuck. so i wake up at 230, and i go to send him a message and find three waiting for me. fuck! so i said i was awake and he said hed be over in a bit. he gets to my place at like 315, and we lay down for a little while, then we decide to go get a movie. on the way to blockbuster, i said we should eat, so i asked if he wanted to get diner or something quick, and he said we should get something quick bc he had to pick up jeff at the train at 6. i was so mad. cos not only did he take off the day and now couldnt take off thursday, he was cutting down our time to like 2 hours. that made me so upset, i was like.. what the hell.. and so he told jeff to take a later train. that didnt really help though. why talk all this shit? why tell me you wanna spend the whole day with me, why tell me you want to cuddle, when you are scheduling another booty call with me? conveniently making plans for later.. you said youd drive me to the fucking train. but now yr bailing early and cancelling thursday. so we argued and i didnt talk about it like i should have. i mean, he knew he was upsetting me. i said i was going to go downstairs to get my laundry after we got back to my house and hes like "are you mad?" and i was like "no." and he was like "disappointed?" and i was like "yah maybe" and i walked away. came back and laid down with him.. we watched school of rock and then stuff happened. after, we were laying in my bed and he fell asleep.. i laid there and i cried silently. i stared at the wall thinking that everything he said to me in the past two weeks was a lie. that he probably didnt mean it when he said "lately thats all i think about. its all i want. you." or "i constantly wish you were with me, wherever i am." cos if it was true, you wouldnt always be bailing, youd WANT to see me. and i dont understand, cos it *is* more than sex, we talk and we joke and we can just be together without the physical part.. but at that moment it felt like nothing. it felt empty and meaningless. i cant explain it. it wasnt the same kind of empty and meaningless as, say, baxter, bc that was totally impersonal. it was still participatory, he talked to me and looked into my eyes and all the things that make it personal. and meaningful. but it was lacking at the same time. and it made me sad. i could feel him sleeping, all twitchy like, and i hoped that it would end before he woke up. i did not move, i laid there with tears falling out of my eyes, not breathing. and then he woke up. i made like my eye itched and wiped away the tears. he asked me if id been sleeping. i said no. and i started crying hard. i buried my face in my pillow and he asked if i was crying. i said no, but it was obvious i was. he put his amrs around me and kissed my back softly. he told me he wanted me to be happy. he kissed the top of my head. i apologised for being PMSy. and i said i was sorry if id ruined everything. instead of saying how hurt i was, how insiginificant his change of plans had made me feel.. i turned to face him, and i cuddled up to him, and he continued to kiss the top of my head softly. and he giggled at himself for it, apparently thinking he was adorable. he was like "little soft kisses!" and i thought about how much i hate him for being so fucking adorable. i walked him out and we said goodbye. he kissed me. i hugged him. he got in the car and he kissed the air like "come give me a kiss" and i did.. i wanted to cry again. i tried so hard not to cry in the first place. i couldnt stop. i just wanted to be ok or pretend i was ok. i got back to brooklyn last night and he had IMed me. i dont know when. perhaps it was when he was wishing i would respond to his text. i didnt understand why he didnt just call me. he said "we never talk on the phone" and i said "we used to talk on the phone all the time." and he said "that was before text messaging." grr. but i think ill retreat again. he will too, im sure. he'll fade into my background for a few weeks until i can feel like im over him. then the messages will start more frequently, he'll miss me. endless cycle. im not even going to say im staying away anymore, bc im a fucking failure.
anyway. im going to take a nap. mike is coming over around 1130, i got some board games today, risk and scattergories. this is my THIRD scattergories, mind you. my ex, rich, stole the first one. i left the second in casey's dorm room right before nick and i broke up and i severed ties with the pace community.. this one, im fuckin putting an alarm on or something. were gonna smoke and play board games and eat mashed potatoes. i should rest up. perhaps ill wake up around 8 and play guitar for an hour. anyway about that. i was going to take a nap... go look at my fabulous pics.
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