Friday, April 23, 2004
*someday.. maybe [he'll] come back to me and ill say 'why dont you go fuck yrself'*
reel big fish with gille modification.
imagine i really felt that way? well i do for some boys. but not the current disaster. nope. i messaged him to ask him if i lent him my dashboard cd, but he didnt respond. perhaps he was fucking some other girl. though being naked in my bed didnt stop him from messaging jeff last week. or maybe it wasnt jeff. maybe it was the girlfriend im becoming more convinced he secretly has.
my back hurts. i need sleep. who is this shannon elizabeth? what is she from? she is on conan. she has a very hot body. my body is going to shit with the crap i am eating lately. like hunks of mozz cheese, and pasta, and all this crap. i have to be more responsible with my eating habits, since i want to keep my figure for the summer. cos we all know that i will pack on the pounds upon my rearrival to long island.
so i was thinking. when i move home, my mom is probably going to want a key to my place. and i dont trust her enough for that. she read my journal when i was 17, and since then, i have been loathe to trust her around my belongings. i dont want to have to keep shit hidden. and besides, the woman is the nosiest lady on the face of the EARTH. she would smell them out. seriously. how would i go about telling her that i dont think she should have a key? ugh. this is the worst.
blah blah blah. i have been reading this girls ejournal. a random girl from virginia. sometimes i see so much of myself in what she says, and other times i absolutely cant stand her. but im addicted. im almost caught up with all the archives, so it will be weird when im all caught up. waiting for another installment. i regularly browse blogs.. i think im searching for the perfect story, for someone who babbles as much as i do about perhaps more relevent things. i imagine running across someone i knows blog and secretly reading it. all the time. but alas, i have yet to do that. mainly because i dont think i have ever known anyone who kept an ejournal besides stef who (a) i arguably don't know anymore, since i havent really seen or spoken to her since she moved to california and (b) she used livejournal, which i never search. perhaps i should.. i do, however, find random people from my past on myspace, which usually makes me laugh. back when i used to use makeoutclub, i found matt orphan and mike kinney and some other weirdos from way back when. on myspace i have come across several bands i know and their whole profiles made me giggle. i found this girl who used to be one of my best friends, but then decided that having a relationship with the boy who had just broken up with me two weeks before was more important than our three year friendship. blah blah blah. surfing myspace isnt as much fun for me as it is for mike, though.
so i think ive figured out my schedule for next week. im going to do my orals monday, go to LI to print my thesis tuesday, come back wednesday and see cursive. go to rutgers thursday, then head back to LI for my tattoo with emily, and then (supposedly) inside on friday, though i havent heard anything further about the possibility of them playing at the wading river church.... saturday i have an 8am server meeting (UGH). and then i am FREEEEE. i can just work 5 days and pile up some money, and be off mon and tues. i was thinking perhaps i would take off sunday and monday instead. that way i could go apartment hunting on LI sudays and mondays. but it would be annoying bc i would have to get back on monday night bc of tuesday morning therapy.. i suppose i could change my appointment, but i dont want to do that! its *always* been on tuesdays. it might have used to been on mondays, actually. i know we changed it. or maybe we never changed it. maybe it *has* always been tuesdays. i dont know. i think i have to think about it some more. and figure out what i wanna do with my stupid life.
actually, i already know what i want. and that is: a cute one bedroom apartment with enough room to live happily and have some space; a baby siamese kitty, preferably a boy, and preferably the runt of the litter; a desktop where i can download as much music as i like, and make playlists and always have a list for any mood i might be in; to be with the boy, and have him come see me a few times a week, and fall asleep with me close to home, and not have to worry about work in the morning; a job teaching sixteen- and seventeen-year-olds american history; a car that is not my moms 4-runner, bc i abhor the suv; cable televsion and a cable modem; um.. yah i think that might be it. thats really all i want.
aww there is a promo for iron chef on. chaz and i used to watch that back when we were young and happy, and before he hated me for moving on so quickly. well. hindsight is 20/20, right? and i realize that i made a huge mistake and now i have to live with it for the rest of my life. thanks god.
anyway. i think perhaps i should sleep, but im really not interested. my eye is kind of burning, and my heart is doing that palpatation thing. which is way ugh.
lately i have been wondering if i would be able to re-adjust to life if i was in a relationship. today i spent practically the whole day alone. this was my day: i woke up at 330, talked to ryan online for a minute, got dressed, did laundry. came home, watched tv interspersed with AIM conversation, spend a while listening to the kill yrself cd and writing in my paper journal while laying in bed. then i watched some more tv, made pasta, got high, watched tv. candace came home, drunk, after her date. she danced around the apartment, and made me promise i would do weekly facials and that i would try to get up early on saturday in order to have "family day" and play the game of risk, bc she cant stop thinking about it since i bought it. then she took some advil, smoked a cigarette, looks at me and goes: "im goin to bed!" in her best texas cheerleader way. and she does. exit candace and all we've got is gille. and weed. and the tv. so i watched and i smoked. talked to mike, now im emailing with twon.. the whole night i did whatever i wanted. i laid in bed. i looked out the window. i watched crappy television shows bc dammit, i WANTED to. i didnt have to confer with anyone. i didnt have to cater to anyone's needs. if i feel like it, i can get it on with myself at night. if i dont, i need not worry about whether or not im going to have to give it up bc i have a stupid boyfriend who doesnt understand "im tired," and besides, id get to sleep quicker if i just let him use my body and shut up than if i kept trying to thwart his efforts.. and its not like i dont get enough partnered sex as it is. considering that ive been with three different men and one woman in the past three weeks. oh, did i let that slip? oops. thats what i was trying to keep secret. the threesome. no more details will be provided. ANYWAY. back to the matter at hand: would i be able to adapt to the relationship life again after being single for almost two years? ive become so used to being solitary, to not having to open my mouth to speak. i almost like it.
*almost*
cos really, i do miss waking up beside someone. and i kinda miss monogamy. and someone who knows my body and what i like. although i do have that in the enigma. he knows exactly what to do, he knows me and what i like. but he is like a treat. i get him once a month if im lucky, and i might cry afterward. ugh. im tired of thinking about this.
bedtime, methinks. perhaps one more smoke, and then i will retire to from whence i came but a meager thirteen hours ago. ha. fuck being responsible, i will be a slacker for as long as i like. take that! xoxo
reel big fish with gille modification.
imagine i really felt that way? well i do for some boys. but not the current disaster. nope. i messaged him to ask him if i lent him my dashboard cd, but he didnt respond. perhaps he was fucking some other girl. though being naked in my bed didnt stop him from messaging jeff last week. or maybe it wasnt jeff. maybe it was the girlfriend im becoming more convinced he secretly has.
my back hurts. i need sleep. who is this shannon elizabeth? what is she from? she is on conan. she has a very hot body. my body is going to shit with the crap i am eating lately. like hunks of mozz cheese, and pasta, and all this crap. i have to be more responsible with my eating habits, since i want to keep my figure for the summer. cos we all know that i will pack on the pounds upon my rearrival to long island.
so i was thinking. when i move home, my mom is probably going to want a key to my place. and i dont trust her enough for that. she read my journal when i was 17, and since then, i have been loathe to trust her around my belongings. i dont want to have to keep shit hidden. and besides, the woman is the nosiest lady on the face of the EARTH. she would smell them out. seriously. how would i go about telling her that i dont think she should have a key? ugh. this is the worst.
blah blah blah. i have been reading this girls ejournal. a random girl from virginia. sometimes i see so much of myself in what she says, and other times i absolutely cant stand her. but im addicted. im almost caught up with all the archives, so it will be weird when im all caught up. waiting for another installment. i regularly browse blogs.. i think im searching for the perfect story, for someone who babbles as much as i do about perhaps more relevent things. i imagine running across someone i knows blog and secretly reading it. all the time. but alas, i have yet to do that. mainly because i dont think i have ever known anyone who kept an ejournal besides stef who (a) i arguably don't know anymore, since i havent really seen or spoken to her since she moved to california and (b) she used livejournal, which i never search. perhaps i should.. i do, however, find random people from my past on myspace, which usually makes me laugh. back when i used to use makeoutclub, i found matt orphan and mike kinney and some other weirdos from way back when. on myspace i have come across several bands i know and their whole profiles made me giggle. i found this girl who used to be one of my best friends, but then decided that having a relationship with the boy who had just broken up with me two weeks before was more important than our three year friendship. blah blah blah. surfing myspace isnt as much fun for me as it is for mike, though.
so i think ive figured out my schedule for next week. im going to do my orals monday, go to LI to print my thesis tuesday, come back wednesday and see cursive. go to rutgers thursday, then head back to LI for my tattoo with emily, and then (supposedly) inside on friday, though i havent heard anything further about the possibility of them playing at the wading river church.... saturday i have an 8am server meeting (UGH). and then i am FREEEEE. i can just work 5 days and pile up some money, and be off mon and tues. i was thinking perhaps i would take off sunday and monday instead. that way i could go apartment hunting on LI sudays and mondays. but it would be annoying bc i would have to get back on monday night bc of tuesday morning therapy.. i suppose i could change my appointment, but i dont want to do that! its *always* been on tuesdays. it might have used to been on mondays, actually. i know we changed it. or maybe we never changed it. maybe it *has* always been tuesdays. i dont know. i think i have to think about it some more. and figure out what i wanna do with my stupid life.
actually, i already know what i want. and that is: a cute one bedroom apartment with enough room to live happily and have some space; a baby siamese kitty, preferably a boy, and preferably the runt of the litter; a desktop where i can download as much music as i like, and make playlists and always have a list for any mood i might be in; to be with the boy, and have him come see me a few times a week, and fall asleep with me close to home, and not have to worry about work in the morning; a job teaching sixteen- and seventeen-year-olds american history; a car that is not my moms 4-runner, bc i abhor the suv; cable televsion and a cable modem; um.. yah i think that might be it. thats really all i want.
aww there is a promo for iron chef on. chaz and i used to watch that back when we were young and happy, and before he hated me for moving on so quickly. well. hindsight is 20/20, right? and i realize that i made a huge mistake and now i have to live with it for the rest of my life. thanks god.
anyway. i think perhaps i should sleep, but im really not interested. my eye is kind of burning, and my heart is doing that palpatation thing. which is way ugh.
lately i have been wondering if i would be able to re-adjust to life if i was in a relationship. today i spent practically the whole day alone. this was my day: i woke up at 330, talked to ryan online for a minute, got dressed, did laundry. came home, watched tv interspersed with AIM conversation, spend a while listening to the kill yrself cd and writing in my paper journal while laying in bed. then i watched some more tv, made pasta, got high, watched tv. candace came home, drunk, after her date. she danced around the apartment, and made me promise i would do weekly facials and that i would try to get up early on saturday in order to have "family day" and play the game of risk, bc she cant stop thinking about it since i bought it. then she took some advil, smoked a cigarette, looks at me and goes: "im goin to bed!" in her best texas cheerleader way. and she does. exit candace and all we've got is gille. and weed. and the tv. so i watched and i smoked. talked to mike, now im emailing with twon.. the whole night i did whatever i wanted. i laid in bed. i looked out the window. i watched crappy television shows bc dammit, i WANTED to. i didnt have to confer with anyone. i didnt have to cater to anyone's needs. if i feel like it, i can get it on with myself at night. if i dont, i need not worry about whether or not im going to have to give it up bc i have a stupid boyfriend who doesnt understand "im tired," and besides, id get to sleep quicker if i just let him use my body and shut up than if i kept trying to thwart his efforts.. and its not like i dont get enough partnered sex as it is. considering that ive been with three different men and one woman in the past three weeks. oh, did i let that slip? oops. thats what i was trying to keep secret. the threesome. no more details will be provided. ANYWAY. back to the matter at hand: would i be able to adapt to the relationship life again after being single for almost two years? ive become so used to being solitary, to not having to open my mouth to speak. i almost like it.
*almost*
cos really, i do miss waking up beside someone. and i kinda miss monogamy. and someone who knows my body and what i like. although i do have that in the enigma. he knows exactly what to do, he knows me and what i like. but he is like a treat. i get him once a month if im lucky, and i might cry afterward. ugh. im tired of thinking about this.
bedtime, methinks. perhaps one more smoke, and then i will retire to from whence i came but a meager thirteen hours ago. ha. fuck being responsible, i will be a slacker for as long as i like. take that! xoxo
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